Seven Shades of You

by Johnson, A. M.

  “That’s my point. You’re my brother, not my dad.”

  I didn’t wait to hear his response, leaving my coffee behind I walked away. Pocketing my anger, I blew out a breath as the cold morning air hit my face and pulled out my phone. I typed out a message as I descended the stairs.

  Me: I owe you a painting.

  Me: I’m so mad at him.

  Kai: Don’t be mad. It’s a guy thing. Bro code.

  Me: Guys are stupid.

  Kai: I agree.

  I puffed out a watery laugh and wiped the tears from under my eyes.

  My thumbs hovered over the screen. I wanted to tell him I missed him already, but that wasn’t something you said to a friend, or to a boy with coffee-caramel eyes that made your bones melt. Instead, I tested the water, like last night, keeping my toes in the shallow end.

  Me: I never said thank you, by the way. For saying I’m beautiful.

  He didn’t answer right away, and every second that passed, my heart sank another inch.

  Kai: I didn’t just say it, I meant it.

  I brought my phone to my chest and squeezed it as I closed my eyes. The voices in my head muted as I painted their lips with crimson, sealing them shut. I opened my eyes. I didn’t know how to reply without saying something over the top in my haze of red. Choosing to open the string of messages I had with Royal, I typed four words.

  Me: Let me breathe, Blue.

  Indigo

  The entire Aquatic Center erupted as Kai’s fingers touched the edge of the pool. He’d won the final race by three tenths of a second. Three. Tenths. It was infinitesimal, it was nothing more than a half of a breath, a lash falling from a fingertip, but in that small measure, the world became his. At least, the world that lived in this room. Every St. Peter’s student, coach, and faculty member, including myself and Camden, were on our feet screaming like maniacs. Kai pulled himself out of the pool, his golden skin drenched with confidence as he stood and looked up at the bleachers, raising his right hand above his head, and curled into a fist.

  Royal practically jumped him, and the rest of his team followed his lead, chanting, Cap! Cap! Cap! Kai was swallowed into the biggest group hug I’d ever seen.

  “I was worried for a second,” Camden whispered in my ear, clapping his hands.

  USU had held their own in a few of the races, making the four-hundred medley the deciding race.

  Three tenths of a second.

  “Is it weird I want to cry right now?”

  “Maybe?” Camden gave me a crooked smile, the same smile he reserved for Royal, and I poked him in the ribs with my elbow.

  My throat felt tight as the guys slowly gave Kai room to breathe. His smile stretched over his face as he pulled his towel around his neck and shook hands with the guys from the other team.

  “You have to work on that,” Camden said.

  Confused, I stared at him, and he nodded his chin toward the pool deck.

  “It’s written all over your face. You like him.” he asked, more of a statement than a question, and my cheeks caught fire.

  I bent down to grab my bag, avoiding his eyes. “Like I said at breakfast the other day, he’s a friend, Camden.”

  “This is the same guy who ignored you last semester…” I gave him a dirty look. “Your words, not mine.”

  “He’s also the guy who stood up—“

  “I know.” Camden exhaled and linked our hands. He squeezed our fingers gently. “He’s a good guy.”

  “A good friend.”

  “Friend?” he asked.

  “Yes, friend. You’re as bad as Royal.”

  I tried to tug my hand from his but he held on tighter. “He’s your brother. Isn’t that what families do? Worry about each other?”

  The guilt bubbled in my chest. I hadn’t really spoken to Blue since breakfast yesterday. He hadn’t responded to my last text, in a way, doing as I’d asked, giving me space to breathe.

  “I was so alone in high school.” The bleachers started to empty around us. I shook my head and swallowed, trying not to cry but for completely different reasons now. “Royal has always been bright and shiny, and I’ve always been on the dark side of his shadow. I know he wants to protect me, but at what point do I ever get to see the sun, Camden?”

  Turning to leave, Camden’s warm fingers wrapped softly around my elbow. “You deserve to be happy, too.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Just be careful. Kai is—”

  “A friend. That’s all.”

  Camden’s smile was quiet as he nodded. “If you say so.”

  Did I wish it could be more? On every shade of yellow the stars provided. That didn’t mean the universe was going to grant it. I’d lived long enough in the empty light of night to know the stars were liars. Bits of glittering gold spent on wishes long before mine. Dead light in a lost sky.

  “I say so.”

  Camden left it alone as we made our way outside behind the crowd. It would be a few minutes before Royal and the guys finally made their way out of the locker room, maybe longer since they’d won and were most likely getting a congratulation speech from their coach. The earlier rush I’d felt from the win had faded with the conversation I had with Camden. The silence between us was weird and bruised and I didn’t like it.

  “I’m sorry,” he said as he zipped up his hoodie, the night air cold enough to fog with his breath. “I shouldn’t have said anything, it’s not my business.”

  I bumped my hip into his. “I’m basically your sister… I get it. But you don’t need to worry about me, and neither does Royal. I’m an adult the last time I checked.”

  “Okay,” he said, linking his arm through mine.

  “Thank you.” I kissed his cheek.

  A few more minutes passed before Royal’s team started to spill through the doors in waves. Sherman was one of the first to leave and gave Camden a scathing look as he passed us by. Camden dropped his hold on my arm and shoved his hands into his pockets.

  “He’s a jerk,” I said.

  Camden shrugged.

  “Sherman is just one person.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you?” I asked.

  “It’s been a rough week. My dad wanted me to come home this weekend.”

  “He did?” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice. Camden’s relationship with his parents was beyond strained. He’d told me his dad had reached out a few times, but in my opinion, a parent’s love was supposed to be unconditional, and what his mom had put Camden through was unforgivable.

  “I said no. I’m not ready… to talk to my mom.”

  “That’s your right.”

  Silver eyes found mine, and the defeat on his face almost crushed me. “You think I made the right choice, then? Not going?”

  “If it would’ve hurt you to go? Then, yes. Yes, I do.”

  His lips parted into a small smile as I toyed with the sleeve of his hoodie.

  “Hey, beautiful.” Royal’s voice cut through the night air as Camden’s smile widened.

  I turned toward the building as their lips met, I told myself it was to give them privacy, and not at all to look for a certain someone, but Kai wasn’t there.

  “Hey, Pink.” My brother pulled the hood of my jacket until his arms wrapped around me from behind.

  His hug was warm, and I hadn’t realized how much I needed it until his familiar scent flooded my lungs. The lump in my throat was sharp. I wasn’t used to going a whole day without talking to my brother, avoiding him this morning and this afternoon was childish. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was still that lonely little girl who needed his shadow to feel safe. I turned in his embrace, my cheek to his chest, he kissed the top of my head and whispered, “Breathe.”

  He held me like that, his arms around my ribs, and all the anger I’d had disappeared. When I pulled away, his smile was my smile again.

  “Congratulations on the win.”

  He pulled his gym bag higher on his shoulder. “Barely, if it wasn�
��t for Kai…”

  “Where is he?” Camden asked, looking back at the front doors.

  “He’s heading back to Rockport tonight to visit his family after he’s done talking to Coach.” The private smile on my brother’s lips made Camden blush. “Feel like playing your new recital piece for me tonight?”

  “And I’m going to leave now.”

  I laughed as Royal tried to grab my wrist. “What? Hang on, let us walk you.”

  I waved at him over my shoulder. “Still breathing, Blue.”

  My dorm was quiet as I left the bathroom, cinching my towel tightly in my fist, I closed my bedroom door behind me. Ari was with Gus, and Imogen always spent the weekend with her boyfriend on Greek Row. After I threw on a pair of Royal’s old Pioneer Lake High sweats and my dad’s faded Joy Division t-shirt, I pulled my hair into a wet knot on the top of my head.

  The room felt hollow with Daphne gone. Sterile white despite the blots of color she’d left in her wake. I hadn’t packed up her things yet, and made a promise to myself that I would tomorrow. I should’ve gone to the studio tonight, but I was tired, and worried my fatigue was a sign my mood was changing. Sleep always helped, and I was getting ready to open my laptop and stream something to help me sleep, when my phone rang. My heart did a cartwheel as the number lit up my screen in bright blue light.

  “Hello.”

  “Indie.” He breathed my name like I was his saving grace.

  Music and loud laughter filtered through the phone. “Kai?”

  “Hey, I…” The background noise faded and I could hardly hear, but it sounded like he was talking to someone. “Sorry, it’s fucking crazy here tonight.”

  “Where are you?” I asked.

  “Stacks. Are you at the studio?”

  “No, I’m in my room.”

  “Oh,” he sighed and I could feel the weight of it through the phone.

  “Are you okay?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Kai?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I looked at my face in the mirror, a blank canvas, no makeup, my shower pink cheeks, drowning in my hand-me-down pajamas. I wasn’t Stacks appropriate, but I didn’t have to get dressed up for the studio.

  “Did you want to meet me at the studio?” I asked.

  “It’s late.”

  “Come over,” I said on an impulse.

  The air changed, or maybe it was just the rhythm of my heart speeding its way to an early death as he asked, “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah… Yes. Come over. You sound—”

  “I’ll be there in a few.”

  “I’m in suite number four-oh-four.”

  “Four-oh-four.”

  “Kai, wait,” I shouted and winced at the same time.

  I thought I heard him chuckle. “Yeah?”

  “Let me give you the code for the front doors, you’ll need it to get in.”

  “I already know it,” he said, and the line went dead.

  I didn’t want to think too long about how he already knew the code to an all-girls’ dormitory. This was Kai Carter. Of course he knew.

  I had ten minutes, not enough time to pull myself together, but enough time maybe to change into non-sleep attire and brush my teeth again. Scanning my room, I noticed one of my bras on the floor and decided to forego a wardrobe change, picking up my dirty laundry instead. Pins and needles invaded the tips of my toes and fingers by the time I finished brushing my teeth, and when I heard the knock on the door, I froze, bewildered and terrified.

  “One sec,” I called from the bathroom, quickly tapping my toothbrush on the sink’s edge and wiping my mouth with a towel.

  I can do this.

  Didn’t you look in the mirror?

  The devil on my shoulder fought for the last word, but I took a breath and whispered, “You’re fucking beautiful,” before I opened the door with shaking fingers.

  He was framed by the light of the hallway, his eyes hidden by the ball cap he wore. His black, long-sleeve shirt hugged every muscle on his arms and chest. Kai’s jeans, worn and soft, hung low on his hips. His scent surrounded me, spicy and clean, and for a brief moment, I was lost to the image. I almost missed it. The crack in his façade. The smile he forced to hide the strain in his jaw. The way his hands, usually casual at his sides or in his pockets, were balled into fists at his sides.

  “Kai?”

  “Can I come in?” he asked, pulling his cap even lower.

  I stepped to the side, inviting him in, wishing I could see his eyes. Head down, he stormed into my living room as I shut the door.

  “What happened?” I asked, worry taking root in my stomach when he finally looked at me.

  His brown eyes were tinted with something I couldn’t read. “I fucked up.”

  “Okay.”

  “It’s not okay.” He glanced over his shoulder toward the hallway. “Are your suitemates home?” he asked, keeping his voice low. I shook my head, and he let out a breath. “I was supposed to head back home tonight.”

  “I know, Royal told me.”

  “My dad bailed, he fucking bailed… said he had a last minute sale in Iowa, wanted to know if we could just talk over the phone.” His laugh was derisive. “I should’ve known.”

  I took a few tentative steps toward him. “I’m sorry.”

  “I had a beer tonight.” His brown eyes fell to the carpet.

  “Okay.”

  “Why do you keep saying that?”

  “I don’t know what else to say. You had a fight with your dad, you had a beer. Are you drunk?”

  “It was one beer, Indie.”

  “Then why are you upset?”

  I was less than an arm’s length from where he stood, and if I thought it would help, I’d close the distance and pull him into a hug, but this wasn’t Royal, or Camden. I had no idea what Kai needed. He was a mystery, a ticking time bomb, and my finger hovered over the switch.

  The knot in his throat bobbed, his hands relaxing at his sides, he said, “I don’t want to be like him anymore… Drinking away my problems, pushing away everyone who gives a shit.”

  “You’re not like him.”

  “I haven’t had a drink all goddamn semester and then tonight...”

  “You celebrated with your team because you earned your win… And now you’re here, not pushing away the people who give a shit.”

  I bit the corner of my lip as the hard line of his mouth gave way to a soft, full smile. This smile was raw and broken, but perfect all the same. I’d never noticed the sun spot on his left cheek, and maybe this was the first real smile I’d ever received from him, as well. It defined his angles, his shadows, in ways I could never paint, in a color that didn’t exist, revealing a dimple in his right cheek and a small freckle hidden near his hairline.

  This was Kai Carter.

  Nice to meet you.

  “I’m here. With you. Probably shouldn’t be.”

  “If you start spouting bro code I’ll kick you out.”

  Kai’s laugh filled the room, his violent purple giving itself over to a lighter shade of blue as he held up his hand. “No bro code, at least not tonight.”

  “Or ever.”

  “I make no promises.” That elusive and genuine smile remained. “Thanks. For throwing me a rope tonight. I feel like an asshole, dragging you into my drama.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  “It’s late, I shouldn’t have—”

  “It’s eleven-thirty on a Saturday. I’m just lame and had nowhere to go.”

  Kai’s eyes danced slowly over my body, his lips breaking into a lopsided grin. “What the hell are you wearing?”

  My cheeks flushed as I pulled at the hem of my t-shirt. “Pajamas.”

  “You were about to go to sleep… ” His good humor dimmed. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

  “Kai.”

  He sucked in a ragged breath and avoided my eyes as he moved toward the door. “Thank you… for listening…” His jaw pulsed. “I feel like an idiot
… shit… I’m gonna go before I—”

  “Stay. You shouldn’t be alone.”

  “I’m a big boy.”

  “Stay until you sober up.”

  “It was one beer.”

  “Stay.”

  He flipped his cap backward on his head, his eyes assessing me. “We could study?”

  “Or… watch a movie. I found an old copy of Surviving Picasso at the library. That’s kind of like studying.”

  His chuckle warmed my stomach. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but I didn’t want him to leave. My reasons weren’t all selfish. I worried he’d leave, get into his head, and have more than one beer.

  “A movie…” he mused. “That will give Royal and Camden enough time to—”

  I put my hand over his mouth. “Shh. That’s my brother. Girl code.” His smile tickled my palm, sending a shiver down my arm.

  He laughed as I dropped my hand. “To fall asleep… Get your mind out of the gutter, O’Connell.”

  Embarrassed, I changed the subject. “Come on. Follow me”

  It was weird having a man in my room. Kai’s body took up space, laid siege to the calm, and my heart responded. My stomach was heavy with butterflies as I watched him look around and absorb his surroundings. He gave Daphne’s side of the room a cursory glance, his gaze shifting to the drawings I had tacked to the wall. I grabbed my laptop while he devoured the small collection of family photos I had hanging over my desk. Royal and my dad at his first meet. Mom, smiling over her shoulder, her hair speckled with blue paint. Dad holding me in his arms, his smile almost hidden by his beard, as I’d buried my eighteen-month-old face into his neck. Royal and I holding paint-stained hands in the studio, we were three at the time.

  Kai laughed, pointing at the picture of Royal holding me over his shoulder this past Christmas, Camden blurred in the background. “This is my favorite. You look pissed.”

  I sat on my bed, and scooted toward the wall. Opening the laptop, I rested it on my legs. “My mom actually caught the shot right as he’d lifted me over his shoulder. I was more surprised than anything.”

  He stared at a picture of my dad working on one of his tattoo clients at Avenues, in a sleeveless shirt, his ink on full display. “He seems… intense.”