Seven Shades of You

by Johnson, A. M.

  I could give her this. This I was good at.

  Indigo

  We’d fallen asleep again, his nose buried in my neck. The blunt pads of his fingertips peeked under the hem of my t-shirt, and as the morning light set the room in an orange flame, I smiled with swollen lips. Stinging from his kiss, from the coarse stubble along his jaw, I dragged my fingers across my chin. I turned on to my side, earning a low groan from the cute, sleepy boy next to me. Kai’s large body took up most of the bed, but I wasn’t complaining. I’d gladly spend every night trapped by the cage of his touch.

  Every night.

  I stared at his thick lashes, at the sun spot on his cheek, at the sleep lines created by my pillow, marking this morning as mine, and wondered if I’d get another night like this. Worried when his eyes opened, if the burn of the sun would remind him that I was untouchable. Off limits. And my every night would become never again and thank you so much for the movie, and his I’ve been dying to touch you would fade into I should have never allowed this to happen. The doubt set my palm on his chest, and I fell into the simple beat of his heart.

  I’d kissed him. I’d kissed Kai and it was every shade of red. Red velvet. Burgundy. Cherry. Candy apple. Crimson. Cardinal. Fire engine. Pillar box. I wanted to keep kissing him, keep moving forward. Uncover unknown shades. Create our own. Keep touching until his heart raced again, until it kept pace with mine. Until the tips of his fingers, barely resting on my stomach, became the flat plane of his palm searching for more of my skin. Until the ache inside me pulsed. Until I asked him to relieve it.

  You’re empty.

  Empty.

  Empty.

  Empty.

  “Hey,” he whispered, moving his fingers from my stomach to the small curve of my hip.

  His voice closed the shutters on the voice in my head. Leaving the witch without a view.

  “Hey.” I rubbed my lips together as the pupils of his eyes stretched the coffee color of his irises to a thin circle.

  Kai squeezed my hip. “You okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” I bit back my smile, trying to keep myself as casual as I’d been before we’d fallen asleep.

  He rolled onto his back, taking his hands with him and yawned. “What time is it?”

  The butterflies in my stomach rioted as I sat up, creating more distance from his heat. The room was cold and its temperature invaded my skin, stealing the remnants of his touch. I glanced at the clock on my desk.

  “Nine.”

  He yawned again, sitting up on his elbows his lopsided smile appeared. He was a man at ease. “Nine,” he repeated, his voice scratchy and gruff. “I should probably get going.” My heart deflated. And maybe he saw it in my expression. As he played with the hem of my shirt, he said, “I didn’t mean it like you’re thinking.”

  “What am I thinking?”

  Kai sat up completely, his hand on my thigh, he leaned toward me, “Come here.” With my back against the wall, I draped my legs over his lap and he kissed my cheek. “I’m not bailing.”

  “Okay.”

  “I figured… don’t you usually have breakfast with your brother?”

  “Not always… it’s Sunday. He’s probably still in bed with Camden.”

  “Thanks for that visual, O’Connell.”

  I laughed. “I do what I can.”

  He cupped my face, his eyes searching mine, he asked, “Do you have plans today?”

  “No.”

  “You do now.”

  Kai’s mouth was warm, and his taste chased away the shadows as he kissed me.

  He pulled away, his lips brushing against my chin as he spoke. “Let’s go to that gallery in town.”

  “There’s a gallery near here?”

  “No, in Rockport.”

  “Rockport?”

  “Yeah, there’s this awesome hole-in-the-wall diner on the way.”

  “Is this a date?”

  “It’s art and greasy food.” When I didn’t say anything, he smirked. “Yes, Indie. I’m asking you on a date. You up for it?”

  “Art and greasy food…” I hummed and tapped my finger on my lips. “Do I get to pick the playlist on the way?”

  “You can play whatever the hell you want as long as I get to do this whenever I want.” He pressed a kiss to my mouth, my jaw, and I shivered. “Let’s go on a date,” he whispered into what seemed to be his favorite spot, the crook of my neck.

  “Okay.”

  When he lifted his head, his smile crinkled around his eyes. “I’ll head to Garrison and shower. Meet you back here in like… an hour?”

  “An hour works for me.”

  A date…

  A comfortable quiet descended as we both looked at each other. His dark hair was disheveled, falling over his forehead and curling up a little over his ears. My smile took its time and so did his, starting at the edges with slow grace as we both realized this was happening. We were happening. I had a real date. The lump in my throat formed out of nowhere.

  “What will you tell Royal?” he asked, pushing a fallen strand of hair behind my ear.

  “I’m going to Rockport with a friend to check out a gallery.” It wasn’t a lie.

  “Close enough…” He shifted and stood, bending to pick up his phone from the floor. “I don’t like you lying to your brother. It will make everything worse if—”

  “Indie,” Ari yelled as the front door slammed.

  “Jesus, Ari.” I heard Imogen shout in a whisper. “If she was sleeping you probably gave her a heart attack.”

  “If she’s even here.” My bedroom door flew open. “See, she’s probably with—”

  To their credit, neither of them gasped.

  Kai chuckled at their wide-eyed expressions as I quickly scooted to the edge of the bed and stood. He ignored them and I wished I could do the same. There was no way to explain why Kai Carter was in my room at nine in the morning without telling them the truth. And what if he spent more nights? That intangible every night I hoped for. How would I explain those away?

  “I’ll pick you up in an hour,” he said.

  I nodded, and he grabbed his ball cap from my desk, placing it on his head backward, he moved toward the door. Ari and Imogen stepped to the side. “Ladies,” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Always a pleasure.”

  Ari waited until the front door clicked shut before she hit me with her first wave of questions. “Kai Carter was in your bedroom.”

  “I’m aware.” I sank down onto my mattress.

  “Why?” she asked.

  “He came over last night to watch a movie for class, and we fell asleep.”

  Imogen laughed. “A movie for class?”

  “Yes.”

  “Kai Carter came here to watch a movie for class?” Ari asked, her full lips pinching into an incredulous frown.

  “That’s what I just said.”

  “And he fell asleep?” Imogen asked, and I sighed.

  “Yes, we fell asleep.”

  Ari took a few hesitant steps into the room, glancing at my rumpled sheets. Her eyes darted back to my face, assessing me. The longer she stared, the harder it was for me to stand still. I could feel the flush on my cheeks, and Imogen bit her lip.

  “Indie…” I didn’t like the placating tone of Ari’s voice. “This is what he does, you know that, right?” she asked. “He’s slept with—”

  “I know.” I hadn’t meant to raise my voice. “I know what he was like.”

  “What he is like.” Ari gave Imogen a knowing look and I bristled.

  “He’s not like that with me. We… we kissed, that’s it.”

  “That’s only because he’s your brother’s friend.” Imogen spoke under her breath.

  “She’s right.” Ari sat down next to me on the bed. “About him being Royal’s friend.” She glared at Imogen. “That’s why he wouldn’t play her like that.”

  “Like every girl on this campus?”

  “Do you know him?” I asked, and Imogen didn’t answer. “
Do you?” I asked again, and she shook her head. “I didn’t think so.”

  “Indie, I—”

  “Kai is more than his reputation.” I picked at the fabric of my sweats. “I like him, and it doesn’t matter who he’s... been with… right now… he’s with me.”

  “He is?” Ari asked, and when I turned to face her, she smiled.

  “I think so. He’s taking me to breakfast and this gallery in Rockport.”

  Ari’s tan cheeks flooded with a wide grin. “Shut up, like a date?”

  “A real date.”

  “You have a date with Kai Carter!” Ari started to bounce on the mattress.

  Imogen rolled her eyes, but a smile twitched at the corner of her mouth. “You can’t wear overalls,” she said.

  “Why not?” I complained, and Ari giggled.

  “Imogen has a point…” Ari stood and rummaged through my closet.

  “What about that sweater you wore to that frat party we went to last semester?”

  “Yes! Imogen, you are a genius.” Ari giggled as she pulled the deep green sweater from my closet and tossed it at me.

  “Pair that with skinny jeans.” Imogen turned toward the door. “You can borrow my tan booties.”

  “I’m not wearing… booties.”

  “You’re wearing them.” She disappeared down the hall.

  Ari grabbed a thin black scarf and handed it to me. “I mean, how did this happen… better yet, when did this happen?”

  “It’s a long story, and I only have an hour to get ready.”

  “I want an excerpt.”

  I exhaled and threw the scarf on the bed. “Grab my dark blue skinny jeans…” I pointed. “Right side of the closet.” She did as I asked, and I debated on how much I should tell her, deciding that Kai’s personal stuff with the therapist, and his family, didn’t need to be a part of the story. “Kai likes to draw, apparently he’s really good at it, too. He’s sold a few pieces through Professor Hintz.”

  “No shit?” she asked as she threw the pair of jeans onto my bed.

  “True story, he changed his major, and is trying for Hintz’s TA spot. I’m helping with the painting portion of his portfolio.”

  “Helping how?”

  “We work together in the studio, and he’s in my art history class. We watched Surviving Picasso last night, well, before we fell asleep.”

  “And kissed.” She smirked.

  I touched my fingers to my lips and managed to control my smile. “I kissed him.”

  “He obviously likes you if he’s taking you on a date. Kai Carter doesn’t date.”

  “My feet are a size bigger than yours, if you buckle them as tight as you can, you’ll be fine.” Imogen placed her fancy shoes, the ones I never intended to wear, on the floor next to my bed.

  “Thank you.”

  “Of course.” She gave me a tired smile. “I’m sorry about what I said… You’re my friend and—”

  “I understand. And I’ll be careful.”

  “He better be careful, if Royal doesn’t beat his ass, Gus will.”

  “I’m not ready to tell Royal yet.”

  “He doesn’t know?” Ari asked.

  “No.” I laid the sweater on the bed.

  The tension from earlier rolled in like a gray fog. “It’s my choice… for now. Promise me you won’t say anything. To anyone… boyfriends included.”

  They were hesitant to answer but agreed after a few long, heavy seconds.

  “Don’t wear that black scarf. It’s frumpy.” Imogen ordered, but squeezed my hand before she left the room. “And have fun.”

  “I got to meet Gus for breakfast, but you should shower first.” Ari offered, picking up the black scarf, she examined it again.

  “Thanks.”

  She hung the long black piece of fabric on a hanger in my closet and turned to face me. With a serious look on her face she asked, “Wasn’t it you who told Royal he shouldn’t have to hide his feelings for Camden?”

  Subtle.

  “I’m not hiding. I’m delaying.”

  She tipped her head to my messy sheets. “This is hiding.”

  “I don’t even know what this is yet.”

  Her smile was small. “You know… and so does he.”

  He won’t want you.

  Not worth the trouble.

  I folded my trembling hands over my arms and across my chest after she left. Uncertainty made a home in my throat. Royal was the pair of lungs in my chest. The blood in my veins. The pulse in my wrist. I’d never kept anything from my brother, and what Ari said was true. When Royal and Camden had started dating in secret, I’d told him they shouldn’t have to hide their relationship. A beautiful thing can only stay in the shadows for so long before it starts to wilt. But this was different. Royal had set up these rules for me, these limitations, without my permission. Maybe he wouldn’t care, maybe he’d fist bump Kai and say take good care of her. I know where you live… or something equally ridiculous.

  He was my mirror.

  And I was his.

  I studied my reflection in the framed glass hanging on the back of the door.

  He’ll know.

  He’ll see it.

  I wanted to go on a date. I liked a boy, liked having his hands on my face, his eyes on my mouth, his kisses on my lips. I wanted to ignore the shadows as they gnashed their teeth, expecting payment for my secrets before I even had the chance to keep them for myself. I wanted to be a girl. Just a girl in a car, in a diner, in a gallery, holding his hand. A girl who didn’t have to take meds every day. A girl with a brother who’d understand, for once, all I wanted was to be normal.

  Kai

  Camden and Royal were asleep when I got to the dorm. But I wasn’t as lucky as I left the bathroom, fully dressed with wet hair, ready to bolt.

  “I thought you were in Rockport with your dad?” Royal asked.

  I hated lying to him. I was a lot of things, but a liar wasn’t one of them. I slipped on my smirk, choosing to focus on the way he and Camden were positioned on the couch. Both lying down, Camden situated between Royal’s legs and resting his back against his boyfriend’s chest.

  “You guys seem… cozy.” I casually slapped Royal’s big toe. He was too tall for the blanket he had spread over both him and Camden, and his foot stuck out where it sat on the arm of the sofa.

  He didn’t smile. “What happened? I thought you guys were going to talk.”

  “I guess he had more important shit to do.”

  “Sounds like my parents,” Camden muttered.

  “He bailed?” Royal scowled, looking far more pissed off than he needed to be.

  Especially since I’d spent the night with his sister, and a large portion of my morning making out with her like a freshman in high school. Now, I was about to lie through my teeth so I could take Indie out on a date, without his consent. I was definitely the worst friend on the planet. Most definitely going to hell. I didn’t deserve his concern; I deserved to be punched in the junk.

  “He had a work thing.”

  “On Sunday?”

  Camden not so nonchalantly elbowed Royal in the ribs.

  “Ow, what was that for?”

  I laughed as I grabbed my keys from the coffee table. “I think your boyfriend is finally learning social cues.”

  “You were being nosy.” Camden’s smirk never ceased to catch me off guard.

  “I wasn’t being nosy.”

  Royal leaned down and kissed Camden on the neck. Trying to give them some privacy, and possibly leave without being questioned, I turned toward the door as Royal whispered something into Camden’s ear.

  “Come to breakfast with us?” Royal asked before I was able to make a clean getaway.

  “Can’t, I’ve got plans.”

  “Don’t forget. Coach canceled weights tomorrow and wants us in the pool at the ass crack of dawn instead.”

  I had forgotten. “Shit, thanks.”

  He tapped his temple with his finger. “I’ve got
your back.”

  Grinning, I flipped him off and waved at him one last time before I escaped. Proud I hadn’t uttered one lie. Lying by omission could go fuck itself.

  The sun was high in the sky, burning the dew off the quad, and thankfully it wasn’t freezing inside my car as I slid in over the cracked vinyl seat. The heater hadn’t worked since my senior year of high school. Most of the shit in this car didn’t work. The wipers were fickle as hell, and there was more rust than blue paint on the hood. I wasn’t embarrassed; this piece of shit was a tank and got me where I needed to go. I kept it clean and running, but as I pulled into the Vigrus parking lot, I assessed the passenger seat, trying to picture Indie sitting there, and my stomach turned.

  What the hell was I doing? All my bone-deep insecurities manifested again. Wasn’t I just stealing kisses and touches? Stealing time from a guy who had a real car and a real future with her. Someone who wasn’t fighting the urge to drain a bottle of whiskey every night. Who actually had a plan and didn’t derail his life on a whim. I should turn around, park my ass at Garrison, admit what happened to Royal, and get my ass properly kicked. I wouldn’t fight back. But I’d texted Indie after I’d gotten out of the shower, told her I was leaving in five minutes. Not showing up would be a colossal asshole move. The idea of hurting Indie was a punch to the gut, more painful than any wrath Royal would rain down on me, much worse than my prideful thoughts about my stupid car.

  Pulling my phone from my pocket, I texted her.

  Me: Just pulled in, I’ll be up in five.

  Her response was immediate.

  Indie: You don’t need to come up.

  Me: I should come up, it’s the polite thing to do.

  Indie: Too late, already on my way down.

  I slipped my phone in my pocket and waited. Only a few students dotted the lawn this morning. Most of them looked hung over, or were dressed for a morning workout. I recognized one of the girls as she walked by the car and was glad she didn’t notice me. Jesus, I really was a whore. I didn’t have enough time to dwell on all the senseless shit I’d done the last two-and-a-half years. Indie emerged from the side door of the building with her lips between her teeth as she eyed the parking lot. Her knuckles were white as she clasped her bag, all her nerves surfacing in the way she kept her head down, her shoulders tight. She had no reason to be nervous, though. The sun illuminated her creamy skin, her pale blonde braid stood out against a bright green sweater, and Christ, her jeans fit her like a second skin. I gulped as her eyes found mine. Was she wearing heels? She took a step and tripped over her own feet. Her cheeks turned scarlet as she shook her head, a shy smile forming on her lips as I got out of the car.