Survive and Conquer

by Andrew Grey

  “Smartass,” Newton retorted, and snickered. “I never get to swear anymore.”

  “I get the feeling there are a lot of things you don’t get to do.” Chase set his dish on the dash and leaned over the seat. “You have a little chocolate on your lip.”

  “Where?” Newton reached for the mirror, but Chase stopped him with a touch.

  “I’ll get it.” He leaned closer, touching Newton’s lips with his. Mint and chocolate mixed with the heady taste of Newton, all of it bursting on his tongue as he kissed him. Then he backed away. “See, now you’re much better.” Damn, Chase loved Newton, with his wide eyes and the way his lips parted.

  Newton stared at him as though he were shocked. “You kissed me.”

  “Is that bad? Do you want me to stop? I can take it back.” Chase winked and leaned closer once again. “You taste thrilling.” For a second he was worried he’d read the situation all wrong. Then Newton smiled, and Chase drew in once again. “Can I have some more?” Frozen custard be damned—this was really worth the trip.

  This time Newton took the initiative, and they ended up making out like teenagers for a few minutes. Their custard had melted by the time they returned to it, not that either of them seemed to mind. Chase took care of the trash, and hurried inside, got some custard to go, and happily started the engine before backing out of the parking space, driving to Newton’s, and parking in front of his house. He kissed Newton good night after walking him to the door and giving him the treat for the kids. Then he stayed until Newton went inside before returning to his car.

  Chapter 3

  “HOW ARE your little darlings?” Jolene asked from across the lunch table a week later. She was a close friend and one of his parenting partners. Newton hadn’t really thought a great deal about being a parent before he’d met Eric and made the decision to foster and eventually adopt him. Jolene had a son about Rosie’s age, as well as a nine-year-old daughter, and lived a block from him, so they’d quickly become friends, and she was his go-to person for parenting advice.

  “They’re growing up fast. How are Kirsten and Stevie doing?”

  “The same as yours, I suppose. Kirsten has decided that she’s old enough that she doesn’t need a mother, until she does. And she never stops moving. I swear, she has so much energy. In my case, it’s Stevie who’s the quiet one. He’d spend all day sitting on my lap or next to me as long as I was reading him a story. He asked me last week to teach him how to read so he could tell himself stories.” She grinned. “He said I don’t do the voices right anymore and he can do them better in his own head.”

  Newton laughed out loud, a few people turning to look at them in the downtown café. “What does Hayden think of all this?”

  “That man loves his kids. We’re going on vacation in a month, and he has activities planned for each and every day while we’re out in Colorado. Hiking, visiting all kinds of roadside attractions, the drive to the top Pikes Peak. All of it.” She smiled. “There are times when I think I’m completely secondary.” She sipped her coffee. “He’ll spend hours with the kids, and there are times I can’t seem to get his attention at all.” She sighed. “Then he’ll come home with flowers and everything changes.”

  “What did he want with the flowers?” Newton winked, and Jolene nodded.

  “Well, that, but there was this contest at work for selling so many cars, and he more than met his goals, so he got to choose the prize he could take. One was a new set of golf clubs, and I know Hayden had been looking at them the entire time. They were just what he’s been eyeing for years now.” She laid her hand on the table. “But look….” The diamond tennis bracelet sparkled on her wrist. “He chose this for me instead. Hayden said he didn’t need the new clubs that badly.” She practically glowed when she talked.

  “I guess he does see you,” Newton said.

  “Yes. He does, and as more than just the mother of his children. I know I’m being stupid, but sometimes I feel like that’s all I am. Part of the prize from work is a weekend at the Renaissance in Chicago, though. My parents are going to come stay with the kids so Hayden and I can have two days away.” She practically vibrated with excitement. “But that’s enough about me. If you think I asked you to lunch so we could talk about me and Hayden, you’re crazy.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Eric said you went on a date.”

  “I had dinner with a new friend I met through work,” Newton clarified.

  “Uh-huh. You do know that your son has his bedroom in the front of the house. He saw you in the car, kissing. So, therefore, it’s a date.”

  “Chase is hot, a lawyer, and we had a good time. Though he and I definitely didn’t talk about first date kinds of stuff.”

  Jolene rolled her eyes. “It’s been so long since you went on anything that might resemble a date, I don’t think you know what first date conversation should be.”

  “We talked about the kids, his work, mine a little, music, and movies. Stuff like that. It was a wonderful evening, and Chase was really nice and kept watching me.” Newton shivered as he remembered the intensity of some of those gazes. “But he’s a lawyer, and even he said he was too busy for a relationship. He and I went out to dinner… that was all. And it’s been a week and he hasn’t called.”

  “Has he texted?” Jolene asked pointedly.

  “Yes. A few times. But he’s never mentioned us going out again. They’re only general texts and stuff.” Which he kept saved in his phone, each and every one of them.

  Jolene shook her head. “Chase asked you out to dinner, right? And he’s texted you and kept in touch. Did it ever occur to you that he was waiting for you to ask him out this time? You can’t expect Chase to do all the work and show all the interest. If you aren’t going to ask him out or make a move of some kind, why should he?”

  The notion had never occurred to Newton. “So I should ask him out?”

  “Do you know what you want? Do you like this guy?” Jolene asked, staring at him until Newton grew uncomfortable and looked away first. “You do?”

  “What’s not to like? He’s hot and really sexy. Watching him work in court was like watching an artist at work. He threw himself into what he was doing, and he was willing to help a client of mine for free. I think he has a good heart.” Newton wasn’t willing to trust him with any of his secrets yet, but he was convinced that Chase was a caring person. “But there’s pain in his past.”

  “And you have plenty of that in yours. What’s the problem?” She shrugged. “Shared pain is eased pain. That’s what my gran used to say. If you want to lessen the burdens you carry inside, the only way is to share them with someone else.” She sipped her coffee, and Newton wondered if she could be right. “And please, not me. I already know most of your secrets.” She patted his hand.

  “Are you going to give me the lecture on how I need to find someone to share my life with, that you’re worried about the amount of time I’m alone… or some such rubbish?” he asked.

  Jolene shook her head. “Nope. I don’t have to. I’d say your mother has already done a pretty good job of that. I’m willing to bet that you’ve heard that plenty from her over the years. Of course, your mother is probably more like ‘You need to find a wife.’” Jolene rolled her eyes. “Sometimes I think that woman is totally blind. How she can’t know and understand what it means to be gay is beyond me.”

  Newton shrugged. It was an old argument, and one that wasn’t going to change. She had her faith, and that had seen his mother through some very difficult times for her. Newton didn’t really blame her for holding on the way she did. He knew better than most that everyone needed some comfort in their lives, and who was he to deny his mother hers? He simply wished that she didn’t try to foist her beliefs and worldview on everyone else. Still, his mother loved him in her own way, and she adored the kids, so that was all he really could ask for.

  “Mom is who she is. It isn’t fair to expect anything else.” Newton wasn’t going to expend any more energy on what he could d
o nothing about.

  “You’re a better person than I am,” Jolene said. “Still, maybe your mother is right, and you need to put yourself out there. Eric and Rosie are going to grow up, and with each passing year, they’re going to need you less and less. You deserve someone in your life who’s there for you.”

  “But you complain about Hayden all the time,” Newton challenged.

  “Yeah, I do. He’s my husband, and there are times when the man drives me completely crazy. But he’s also there for me whenever I need him, and he has to listen to me when the kids have driven me to distraction. For all his faults, Hayden is a good man, and when it comes down to it, I know that in his life, I come first. And there’s something to be said for that. Once everyone is grown and the kids are out of the house, it will be him and me again. Hayden already has plans for some of the things he and I are going to do together. Will they happen? Who knows? But he’s already thinking of twenty years down the road… with me. And I like that, knowing he’ll still be there and that I’ll be there for him.”

  “But what if something happens and the earth opens up?” Or buildings fall on top of you? He didn’t say that part, but it was in his mind. “Those plans could come to nothing.”

  “That could happen anyway. The thing is, Hayden has the dreams and the plans. They’ll change over time, but you can’t move forward without having them. Otherwise we go in boring circles, wandering in the dark and never really getting where we want to go.” She was amazingly smart. It was part of why Newton liked her so much. “What are your dreams? You have to have some.”

  Newton shrugged. “I guess to get the kids to the point where they’re happy, healthy adults. I don’t want a lot in life.” He leaned to the side as Jolene swiped at him over the table.

  “That is so lame. Close your eyes and think of what you really want. What did you see for yourself when you graduated college? We’re all idealistic then.”

  Newton did as she suggested, but no real dreams came to him. “I wanted to help people, and that’s what I do every day. And I think I’m pretty good at it.”

  “Didn’t you want more than that? You can’t tell me you never dreamed of meeting a hot guy, settling down, and living happily ever after. We all want that.”

  “Maybe once. There was a time when I used to look up and reach for the stars. I used to wish and dream big. I wanted to make a difference, and I did that—I still do that.” He was deliberately being obtuse because he didn’t want to think about what he’d lost. “You know there’s nothing wrong with keeping your feet on the ground. I have two kids who I love very much, and I want to be able to provide for them. They are going to need braces and college—all that stuff. So I guess that’s my dream now.” He was pretty pleased until Jolene scoffed, picked up his phone off the table, and shoved it at him.

  “You are so danged boring sometimes. Message that hot guy and tell him that you want to take him out. Maybe you could go this weekend. There’s a go-cart track out in West Allis—take the kids, see if he wants to go, and for God’s sake, have fun.” She leaned over the table. “And figure out a way to get yourself some. It’s been so long, you have no idea what fucking fun really is.” She snickered softly at her joke. “Do you even remember what it’s like to have your eyes roll back in your head and to be left breathless by the closeness and intimacy of spending special time with another human being?” She thought a second and sipped her coffee. Then she slid off the stool and grabbed her purse, pulled out her phone, and sent a text.

  “What are you doing?” Newton leaned over to try to peek at her phone.

  “Sending a dirty message to Hayden. One of us might as well get lucky tonight, and since you won’t get off your butt, it might as well be me.” She wagged her eyebrows in that way she had and then finished her coffee. “I need to get back, and so do you.”

  Newton nodded, knowing that his time away from the office was up and that he had plenty waiting for him when he got back. She hugged him once she was ready to go. “I’ll see you soon,” Newton promised.

  Jolene released him. “Think about what I said. You need to have a life of your own.” She turned and left the coffee shop, hurrying away down the sidewalk.

  Newton checked his phone for the time and did the same. Each step toward the office filled him with indecision. He had a full life right now. Eric demanded a great deal of his attention and energy. His condition meant that Newton had to be on his guard all the time. And Rosie deserved just as much of his attention as Eric received. Between the two of them, they took all his time outside of work.

  Newton stopped on the sidewalk, others passing around him like water flowing past a rock in the stream. Maybe Jolene was right after all. He’d spent the last four years giving all his time and energy to Eric and Rosie—not that they didn’t deserve it. But he had no one for himself.

  Newton tried to think of the last time he had done something purely for himself, and the only thing he could come up with was dinner with Chase. And he spent half the evening talking about the kids. With every topic of discussion, he somehow managed to bring it back to the kids. Man, no wonder Chase hadn’t asked him out again. Newton must have been dull as dirt. Still, he was a turtle, Newton knew it, but maybe he’d stayed in his damned shell for way too long. Of course, there was also the fact that Newton was a number of years older than Chase. So maybe Chase was interested in seeing someone his own age.

  “When did I get to be such a damned coward?” Newton asked out loud, and a lady on the sidewalk paused to turn to him, squinting as though he were crazy. She moved on, and still Newton parted the flow of people. Then, making his decision, he pulled out his phone and sent Chase a text message asking if he’d like to join them for some fun this Saturday. The kids were the most important part of his life, but if he wanted the chance at something more, something of his own, then they also needed to fit with the rest of what was important to him.

  Newton put his phone in his pocket, smiling at himself for taking one small step to poke his head out of his thick, protective shell. Granted, it was a single gesture, but still, he was happy about it, and when his phone vibrated, he pulled it out, surprised to have received such a quick answer.

  AFTER WORK that evening, Newton hurried home so he could meet Eric and Rosie as they got off the bus. It was an important ritual, and they were both full of stories about their day as the three of them walked back to the house. Inside, Rosie and Eric went upstairs to change their clothes while Newton answered the house phone.

  “Hi, Mom.” She was the only person to regularly use that number. She just didn’t seem to remember his cell.

  “Newton, I thought I’d call and have you over for dinner on Saturday. I’d like to spend some time with my grandchildren.” She never phoned because she wanted time with him. Not that he felt too badly about it. If he and his mother spent too much time together, the walls began to feel like they were closing in.

  “We have plans on Saturday. We’re going to go out with a friend.” He didn’t go into details.

  “A girlfriend?” she asked hopefully. “You know, it’s about time you settled down and found someone to be a mother to your kids.”

  “Mom, I’m not going to go out with a woman. His name is Chase, and I met him a week ago. He likes the kids, and we’re going to be out that afternoon. We could come for Sunday dinner if you’d like. Eric and Rosie would love to see you.” Okay, so he was piling on a little guilt, but his mother used it plenty, so why couldn’t he?

  She cleared her throat, which was never good. “You’re taking those kids along with you while you go on a date with some man?” She said it like she’d just eaten a mouthful of garbage. “How can you do that? The kids need to be raised in a wholesome environment, not one full of sin and disgust. I could keep quiet when it was just you, but now that you’ve decided to flaunt your lifestyle in front of them, I won’t have it.”

  “My lifestyle? What are you talking about? I deserve a life of my own, and the kids k
now Chase. They’ve met him and they like him. As for flaunting anything, you wouldn’t know. So, whatever you’re thinking, just let it go.” Newton’s anger rose. “On second thought, the kids and I are busy this weekend, so maybe we’ll come to visit some other time.” He was getting tired of his mother foisting her own beliefs on him. Newton had always tried to be understanding.

  “This isn’t right,” she sputtered. “I raised you better than that.”

  “No, Mom. It isn’t right. You deciding how I’m going to live my life and raise my children isn’t right. And it isn’t going to happen. I’ll call you later when I’m not so angry, and when I won’t say things I can’t take back. You have a good day.” He hung up the phone and clenched his teeth to keep from screaming in utter frustration.

  His cell phone rang, and Newton checked it before answering. “Hi, Chase.” He didn’t try to keep the pleasure out of his voice.

  “I had a few minutes and thought I’d call. What did you have in mind for Saturday?” There was equal happiness running through the line. “I’ll need to work for a few hours in the morning. I just got a big case, and I have a ton of research to do.” As soon as he mentioned the case, a darkness came over his tone, and Newton wondered what was causing it, but he couldn’t ask. Chase owed his clients confidentiality, the same courtesy he had shown to Angela.

  “I thought we’d go to lunch, and then Eric has been asking to go to the go-cart track for a month now. It’s a full-on fun center, with video games and stuff like that as well. We can go after lunch for a few hours.”

  “How is Eric?”

  “Doing okay. There hasn’t been a repeat episode, and they have him on a sort of oral IV with saline that he drinks once a day. He doesn’t really care for it, but I have to keep him hydrated with enough saline that it helps keep his fluids in balance. Other than being tired for a few days afterward, he’s doing very well and back in school.” Newton waited as the kids trooped down the stairs, then followed them into the kitchen for a snack.