Hard to Trust (Hard to Love Book 2)

by L. M. Reid

  I make my way to my office, but when I do, it’s not empty. There is no safety or solace here. Only Elliott.

  “Elliott, what are you doing here?” I ask shocked by his presence. I hadn’t realized that he was back in town. He’s been gone so much recently that I had nearly forgotten about him and our arrangement. Most of the time.

  “You didn’t answer any of my calls. I was worried,” he says, though his facial expression says otherwise.

  He’s pissed, not concerned. I am supposed to be at his beck and call and I wasn’t. Now, I have to answer for that. Well, I’m not too thrilled with the fact that he was supposed to have been keeping Johnny at bay, yet the bruises on my arms say otherwise.

  “I had a visitor,” I reply.

  “Oh? Who was that?” he asks.

  “Johnny,” I say with contempt in my voice. “I thought you took care of him.”

  Elliott looks me over then shrugs. “You seem fine.”

  “Fine?” I shout. “I seem fine? He tried to force himself on me. Had it not been for…” I stop myself from continuing not wanting to give away the fact that Grayson was the one who saved me.

  “For what?” Elliott asks.

  “For the cops and whatever neighbor decided to call them. God knows what would have happened if they hadn’t showed.”

  “Well now, we can’t have that, can we?” Elliott says. He still doesn’t sound concerned or upset. He sounds more like he’s formulating a strategy. I’m just clueless as for what, so I stay silent waiting for him to continue. “I think it’s best if you move in with me, where I can keep you safe.”

  “Wait, what?” I say. He can’t be serious. The look on his face says he is though. And it makes me question if he wasn’t the one to send Johnny to my home. It’s the look in his eyes, telling me that it’s not a suggestion, it’s an order that makes me question him even more. This is the part that I was afraid of - the ‘for now’ part that he mentioned when we first entered this agreement. “That’s not part of our arrangement.”

  “Our arrangement has changed,” he replies.

  There’s a hardness in his eyes that I have never seen before. Maybe Grayson is right, maybe Elliott isn’t the man I thought he was. Sure, I always knew he was ruthless when it came to work and yes, he blackmailed me into this relationship, but I never thought that he was going to try to make this into something it’s not. Having me move in with him – that’s a huge step. One that tells me he doesn’t trust me and that I am in way over my head when it comes to Elliott Cahill.

  30

  Grayson

  I shoot off another text; one in a barrage that I’ve sent throughout the day trying to get her to respond to me. I’m not asking for a lot, just hoping that she’s okay. I don’t like it, but I get it. The other night was…

  It was fucking awful. I can only imagine how traumatic it must have been for Ashlynn. I just wish she would let me be there for her. I can’t get the look on her face when she told me to leave out of my mind. Shame. She was filled with shame. But, why? She didn’t do anything wrong. She was attacked.

  It's been a week since everything went down. Seven days of worrying about both her mental well-being as well as her physical. Seven days of trying to get her to talk to me in any other format than emails about the Cole case.

  I glance down at my phone again. Still no response. Damn it. I throw the phone across the room my anger and frustration getting the best of me. Calm and in control two things that don’t seem to be an option for me when it comes to Ashlynn.

  “What the hell did that phone do to you?” Brayden asks when he enters my office uninvited.

  “What do you want?” I ask. The question falls from my lips, filled with disdain. I am not in the mood to put up with him, to put up with anyone.

  “We’ll get to that. What I want to know is why the hotel in Arlington sent me an email saying they were sorry I missed my stay. What happened?”

  “It’s a long story.” One that I frankly don’t want to get into.

  “I’ve got time,” he says as he hands me my broken phone.

  I don’t want to violate Ashlynn’s trust so I don’t want to give too much information, but I don’t want to lie to Brayden either.

  “Her mom came to visit her. It just didn’t work out,” I say trying to keep it short and sweet. It’s not a lie, just not the whole truth.

  “Is that visit why she’s moving in with Dad?”

  “What did you just say?”

  “You didn’t know?” he asks, surprised.

  Apparently fucking not.

  Fuck. He’s upping the timeline on his little plot which only means I need to work faster.

  “I don’t get a say in what Ashlynn does,” I inform Brayden. If that isn’t the fucking truth then I don’t know what is. Christ, that woman is hell on wheels, stubborn and strong and fucking determined to do everything on her own. Including handling my father, though I don’t feel like she’s doing a good job of it at the moment.

  “Yeah well, you have to feel some sort of way about it.”

  Oh, I do. I fucking hate it. There’s just nothing I can do about it.

  “Is that what you came here for? To tell me about Dad and Ashlynn?” If it is, I just might fucking punch him after all. Between this and her not responding to me, I’m at the end of my rope and Brayden can clearly see that based on the laughter in his eyes.

  “No, I actually came to see if you found what you came here looking for yet.”

  Found it? No. That would mean I would have had to have started to look for it at some point. Instead, I’ve spent my time here consumed with all things Ashlynn.

  “Not yet,” I say.

  I sure as hell am going to start looking into it now though. The only way I can be with Ashlynn is to figure out what he has on her and make him give it up. Then, I can destroy him so he can never hurt her or anyone else, again.

  “Anything I can do?” he asks.

  “You’ve done enough,” I reply. “You don’t need to be involved in this.”

  “What exactly are you expecting to find on him, Gray?”

  “It doesn’t matter. Besides, the less you know the better. Plausible deniability.”

  Brayden gets a nervous look on his face. For the first time I feel like he’s actually taking my accusations against our father seriously.

  “You’re going to be fine,” I tell him, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “If I find what I’m looking for, I will make sure that it doesn’t touch you. I swear, Brayden.”

  He nods. “They’re moving in together in a couple days. I suggest you get your shit together. At least make the most of what freedom she has left.”

  With a wave of his hand he exits my office and I follow quickly behind him.

  “What the hell?” Ashlynn yells when I barge into her office. Her hand flies to her chest. “You scared the hell out of me.”

  “I’ve been patient Ashlynn; I’ve tried to give you your space. But my patience is wearing thin. I… I don’t need an explanation; I just need to know you’re okay.” Tears well in her eyes. I step closer to her cognizant of the fact that the door behind me isn’t fully closed and I need to be cautious. “I need to know that we’re okay.”

  “I… Grayson, there is so much that you don’t know. So much that…”

  “What do I need to do to get you to trust me, Sweetheart? I’ll do it. I’ll do anything.” My hand brushes against her cheek.

  “I’m moving in with Elliott.” I already know this, but hearing the words fall from her lips is like a punch to the gut.

  “Brayden told me,” I admit.

  She nods, both of us at a loss of how to navigate this situation. “Why do you even want to be with me?”

  “That’s easy, because I hate being without you. We belong together Ashlynn. And I am not letting that go without a fight.”

  “There are things you don’t know. Things that could change how you feel about me.”

  A small chuckle escap
es me. “I swear to you, Ashlynn. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that could ever change how I feel about you.”

  I can see her trying to accept my truth, to finally trust someone when she’s never been able to before. Opening up to me, caring about me, it’s a foreign concept to her. One that I can see her struggling to overcome.

  I pray silently, hoping that she gives me a chance. Because if she doesn’t, I’m not exactly sure what else I’m supposed to do.

  “I have to finish packing tonight. Maybe…” she glances past me to the still open door then back to me. “Maybe you could come over and we could work on the Cole case?”

  “I’ll bring pizza,” I tell her.

  “And whiskey. Lots of whiskey.”

  “Your wish is my command.” I glance behind me and see the coast is clear. I give her a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ve missed you, Sweetheart. Don’t ever push me away again.”

  She fights back the smile that is trying to emerge on her oh so kissable lips.

  31

  Ashlynn

  I flit around my apartment nervous energy coursing through me. I wish Grayson would just get here already. I need to get this over with. I need to know if he can actually accept me and my past or if I’m just fooling myself.

  The sentiment was nice, his statement that nothing could change how he feels about me, heartwarming. Thing is, who the hell would expect that their girlfriend’s secret was that she was a hooker.

  I’m just about to toss a sweater into a box when I realize what I just said. Girlfriend. I referred to myself as Grayson’s girlfriend. I have never – and I mean never, not even with Logan – referred to myself as anyone’s anything.

  It’s what I am though, isn’t it? We’re together, we care about each other. We are just stuck in a colossal cluster fuck of a situation that we can’t seem to find our way out of. Aside from all of that, my past, his father, us competing for the same job, we just fit. We make each other better. I am Grayson’s girlfriend. I say the words out loud. They sound silly to me, ridiculous even. But they make me smile.

  I wonder momentarily what Grayson would think of the term. It’s not as foreign of a concept to him as it is to me, but still. Is that what he wants? Is this, are we, really truly in a relationship?

  “Ashlynn Robbins and this is my boyfriend, Grayson West,” I say then begin to laugh hysterically.

  I’m nearly thirty. And for the first time in my life I have a boyfriend. And not in the sense that Elliott is technically my boyfriend by blackmail, but a real honest to God boyfriend.

  What the hell has Grayson West done to me?

  The knock on the door excites me. For once I am hopeful. I hang on to Grayson’s words, his promise like a lifeline. It may take some time to understand, to get used to, but he’ll get past it. I’ve just turned this into a death sentence, when really it isn’t one.

  I check the peephole before opening the door, not wanting a repeat of the events of last week. There Grayson stands, pizza and whiskey in hand. I fling the door open and smile at him.

  “You’re late,” I say.

  “This is some expensive and hard to find whiskey you drink, Sweetheart,” he says with a chuckle.

  I take the bottle from his hand and put it on the counter where I left out two glasses for us.

  I don’t know what to say, how to start this conversation that I know Grayson and I need to have. The admissions that I need to make that may in fact make him look at me in a completely different light. The same admissions that would make whatever concerns he has had about Logan or Elliott, insignificant.

  Grayson doesn’t push though, he’s not prying or asking, rather he just looks content to be here with me.

  “Would you like a glass?” I ask holding up the bottle he brought.

  He nods in response. I pour then turn to hand him the glass.

  He takes a long sip as he glances around the room. “You’re almost done.”

  His observation comes with a flat tone, one that’s not judgmental, but clearly disapproving.

  “I am,” I reply.

  Another sip of whiskey. “I hate this. You know that, right?”

  “I know. I’m sorry. God, Grayson, I never should have let things get this far.”

  “With him? Or, with me?”

  My lack of response is more than enough for him. I hang my head in shame. It’s not that I don’t care about Grayson or that I don’t want to be with him. It’s that he deserves better than this.

  “This whole thing is beyond fucked up. Christ, Grayson, doesn’t it bother you?”

  He puts up a hand to stop me from continuing.

  “Of course it bothers me,” he says softly. “But, Sweetheart, the idea of not having you in my life is worse. So, I’m doing what you ask, I’m playing along with this convoluted little game because I need you Ashlynn. I want you in my life.” He shakes his head and looks away. “I was never willing to give up anything for Reagan, it’s what tore us apart. But with you, it’s different. I will walk away from anything and everything as long as I have you by my side.”

  I sit down on the couch, my legs crisscrossed in front of me. “Before you say that, there are some things you should know.”

  “Whatever it is Ash, I assure you…” he rests his hand on my leg as he says the words.

  “We all have our limits Gray,” I cut him off. “And what I’ve done, it may surpass that fine line.”

  “Then tell me,” he encourages.

  So, I begin.

  “First, let me apologize for the other night.”

  “Ashlynn…”

  “No, listen, please. I… I shouldn’t have thrown you out. I didn’t want you to go.”

  “Then why did you?” he asks.

  “I was embarrassed, ashamed for what you walked in on,” I admit.

  “Ashamed? Of what? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Maybe not, but the idea of you seeing what you saw, seeing me like that.” I shake my head, one tear escaping and rolling down my cheek. Christ, if I can’t get through telling him this, how am I going to get through everything else?

  “All I saw was you hurting. All I wanted was to make it better. Ash, you need to hear me. What he did, what your mother did, it’s not your fault.”

  “I let it happen.”

  “Like hell you did. I saw you fighting him.”

  “Maybe not this time, but this wasn’t my first rodeo with this Gray.” His face drops and I can’t bear to look at him and the disappointment that I am sure is in his eyes. “Like I said, there are things about me that you don’t know.”

  I feel his hands on my face, forcing me to look at him. “And like I said, nothing you have told me, or could tell me will change my mind about you.”

  “You sound so sure.”

  His lips cover mine, passion and desire replacing the disgust that’s been left there by Elliott and Johnny. When he pulls back, he smiles at me, “I am sure.”

  “Johnny is one of my mom’s boyfriends. He’s the one that despite all the other’s she keeps going back to – the worst of the worst.” I shake my head recalling the first time I met Johnny. I was ten and he was eighteen. He seemed nice then, almost like an older brother. But they both sunk down a dark tunnel; one where the alcohol, the drugs, the sex all became more important.

  “By the time I was a junior in high school, I was working two jobs just to make ends meet. Someone had to pay the bills and she sure as hell wasn’t going to. That’s when Johnny reemerged in our lives. He owned a strip club and in exchange for his love and his help, my mom offered me up.”

  “Offered you up for what?” Grayson asks between gritted teeth.

  “To work for him,” I reply, my head hung in shame.

  I feel the weight of his body leave the couch. “You were a stripper? At his club?”

  “Yes.” The tears that I had been holding at bay, flowed freely now. I fear what I’m hearing in his voice is disappointment, that my admission may in fact
cost me Grayson. And he doesn’t even know the half of it yet.

  When I look up Grayson is standing at the window, his back to me. I continue because I just want to get this over with. I want him to hear the truth, know who I really am, and then watch him leave. That way, I can break down, cry, and start picking myself back up again. I need this over with because I don’t know how much more I can handle.

  “There’s more.”

  “More?”

  I nod even though I know he can’t see me. “I brought in good money, but it wasn’t enough for him. He wanted more. So he made me…”

  “Stop,” Grayson says.

  “No, I need to…”

  “I get what you’re saying, Sweetheart, I don’t need you to say the words for me to understand.”

  “I need to say them, Gray. I’ve never, ever…” I choke back my sob, “I’ve never talked about this, never told anyone. I know you might hate me for this, but…”

  Grayson whips around, facing me and looking me directly in the eye for the first time since I spoke. “Hate you? Christ, Sweetheart, I don’t hate you.” He strides toward me, his hands cupping my cheeks, his thumbs drying the tears flowing down my face. “I hate that you had to go through this. I hate what your mother did, what Johnny did, but I don’t hate you. You, Sweetheart, were just trying to survive. So no, I don’t hate you. If anything it makes me admire you even more.”

  I shake my head refusing to believe his words. He can’t mean them; he can’t not be disgusted by me. “How? How are you not…”

  “I love you Ashlynn, I meant it then and I mean it now. And regardless of what you’ve been taught – love doesn’t come with conditions.”

  I shake my head, disbelief in what he’s saying. “I… you can’t…”

  “I do, Sweetheart.”

  I walk into his open arms, my head resting on his chest. I hold onto him for dear life. For the first time in my life, I feel loved. I finally understand what love is. It’s Grayson. It’s the crazy happy way he makes me feel even when we’re both at our worst. We stay this way for a moment, holding each other silently.

  “Is this what he has on you?” Grayson asks.