Letters from Berlin

by Tania Blanchard

  He shook his head. ‘No, I didn’t agree to anything… it was all just talk.’ But I could see the fear in his eyes.

  ‘We were so close.’ I put my arms around him and rested my head on his chest, tears rolling down my cheeks as the consequences hit me.

  ‘Germany’s doomed,’ he said, holding me tight.

  * * *

  Life quickly returned to a semblance of normality, but Julius felt distant somehow. He never mentioned the plot again – it was as though something had died in him.

  ‘What do you want me to say, Susie?’ he asked when I pushed him on his ambitions of leading the ministry towards a better Germany. ‘Everything’s changed. It’s time to keep our heads down. Nothing’s going to plan.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I was beginning to see that the way Julius saw the world was complex. For Leo and Tante Elya, life was black and white because of the constant peril they were in. It came down to survival and instinct – how they believed they could remain safe. But Julius’s life wasn’t in danger, and that had allowed the line he walked to become less distinct, more shades of grey.

  He sighed, putting down the papers he was reading. ‘We can’t even transport the new engines that the Luftwaffe has been waiting on.’

  I put down my tea, anticipation swirling through my belly.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘They’ve had problems with the manufacture of the engines and production has slowed down to a trickle. It’s almost laughable how inefficient the whole process has been. These new engines were supposed to change the course of the war, making our planes unbeatable in the sky, but with the Allies marching across France, Paris within their sights and the Soviets advancing on Warsaw, we’re running out of time.’

  I felt sorry for Julius’s frustration, but I wanted to shout with glee. These were the engines the resistance had been targeting because of my intelligence. ‘If we continue on our losing streak,’ he said grimly, ‘we’ll soon be fighting a war on home soil – fighting for Germany’s very existence. We’re losing, and that makes the Führer nervous, meaning he’s unpredictable and capable of anything. We just have to survive now by staying under the radar.’

  Julius believed that the best course of action was to steer Germany through the remainder of the war with as little impact to the economy and governance as possible. I didn’t agree. Despite the Führer’s new vigilance to opposition, the resistance remained committed to bringing down the Nazis any way they could, even by contributing to Germany’s losses in the war. Julius knew I supported their cause but he didn’t prevent me from returning to Gut Birkenhof where he suspected I’d be involved in resistance activities. He only kissed me, held me tight and asked me to be careful.

  I continued to bring small pieces of information to Leo whenever I could. Although Bästlein, Jacob and Saefkow had been captured, the resistance was more determined than ever to strike a blow to the Nazi heart for the sake of those they’d lost trying. In fact, some of their plans were finally producing rewards and every action that brought the Allies closer gave the resistance something to celebrate, especially each battle won by the Soviets in the east. They would be first to liberate the remaining ghettos and camps of the east, like the Majdanek and Sobibor extermination camps in eastern Poland closest to the front. I knew that Tante Elya would be overjoyed if we were liberated by the Russians, and I began to wonder what life would be like if that happened.

  Miraculously, Tante Elya had received a hastily written letter from Onkel Tedi in Lodz and she began to read it as we all sat together in the parlour after dinner one night.

  ‘We were ecstatic to hear about the Allied invasion of Normandy. We have a small radio hidden and from time to time we can listen to what’s happening in the world outside of the ghetto,’ she read. ‘We hear that the Russians are inching closer to Lublin and Warsaw, but I don’t know if liberation will come in time for us.’ Tears were filling her eyes, making it hard for her to continue reading. The Soviets had already taken Lemberg, but had found no evidence of the Janowska concentration camp, believed to be near the city, and we hadn’t heard if any of the Jewish people living there had survived. We already knew that few Jewish people were found alive in Kiev.

  ‘Here,’ said Leo. ‘Let me read it for you.’ He took the page from his mother’s unresisting hands. ‘The relocations have begun again, sending thousands to an unknown destination, although we believe they’ve been sent to Chelmno. I don’t know why because we’re working like dogs to fill the ever-increasing armament quotas.

  ‘There aren’t many of us left. I’ve heard from reliable sources that we’re the last operating ghetto in Poland. The hope that we’re safe because we’re necessary in completing this work is fast fading.’ Leo stopped, glancing quickly at his mother.

  ‘Finish it, Leopold,’ she said with quiet determination. He nodded, frowning in concern, but he knew not to argue with his mother. Tante Elya grasped my hand and held it tightly. We were all bracing ourselves for what Leo would read next.

  ‘If the letters stop, you’ll know why. I only hope that our compatriots reach us in time and that we all survive this war and see each other again. Otherwise we’ll meet again in heaven, reunited with Mama and Papa and, I fear, Felix too. Give my love to Leopold, Susanna and Georg. Goodbye my darling Elya – your loving brother, Tedi.’

  Tears ran down my cheeks. Leo looked anguished and Tante Elya sat rigid next to me.

  ‘He has to make it,’ she said as Onkel Georg came to her side. ‘They all have to make it.’ There was nothing we could say. ‘We have to do something.’

  ‘We’re doing everything we can to bring this war to an end as soon as possible. Only with the liberation of the camps can we ensure their safety,’ said Onkel Georg, holding her tight.

  ‘I sit here in comfort and safety because of who I married while my brother and uncles and other Jewish people like them are dying or live in constant fear for their lives.’

  I knew she was right. And I was even more guilty of living a life of luxury. It didn’t feel right, and the longer I immersed myself in that lifestyle with Julius, the more I struggled to keep my perspective. I was doing it to protect my family but I couldn’t avoid the harsh reminder that many Jewish people were being treated worse than animals. ‘We can only hope that the Red Army reaches them before it’s too late. We have to help the Russians if nothing else,’ she said. Leo and I shared a glance. If only I had access to information that could help the Jewish people in the east and Onkel Tedi and his family. ‘We have to get more prisoners back home.’

  ‘Of course, liebling,’ said Onkel Georg. ‘We can do that.’

  All I could think about was what the Nazis would do to the remaining Jewish people in the Reich, like Tante Elya and Leo, when all the Jewish people in the eastern ghettos had been dealt with. My relationship with Julius was now more important than ever.

  * * *

  Back at the hospital, we heard rumours that the Russians were moving closer and closer.

  ‘They’ve stopped on the Vistula, outside Warsaw,’ said one of our patients, while Marika and I were discussing his wound management.

  Marika had passed her nursing exam months earlier, but there’d been no time to celebrate as she was rostered on to her new position within hours of her news.

  ‘The Poles have begun an uprising in the city, but the Russians just sit and wait, allowing our troops to get the city under control once more and improve our defences,’ continued the soldier.

  ‘Why would the Russians do that?’ I thought about Onkel Tedi and bile rose to my throat at his words.

  He shook his head. ‘I don’t know, but it plays right into our hands.’

  Hearing these stories of the Red Army halted outside a city fighting for its survival and not lifting a finger to help, I began to wonder what fate was in store for Germany. I felt afraid.

  ‘Can we hold them back?’ asked Marika quietly.

  The soldier shrugged. ‘A year ago I would neve
r have imagined the Russians coming this far or the Allies advancing on Paris, but the Führer promises we will overcome them.’ He grinned, showing gaps where his teeth were missing. ‘Don’t worry, the war isn’t lost yet.’

  Wiping the perspiration from my brow, I shared a look with Marika. Part of me didn’t want Germany to lose the war because of the devastating effect it would have on our country, on our soldiers and the good people who remained but part of me rejoiced with each advance. I couldn’t lose Tante Elya or Leo.

  Not long after, I was sitting in Julius’s suite with the late summer sun streaming in from the window on my back. It was a peaceful Sunday morning and my day off. I was reading a book on ancient Rome.

  Julius came into the room. ‘The Allies have liberated Paris,’ he said. ‘They tell me that the Parisians are celebrating. I wouldn’t mind some wild French celebrations,’ he said, smiling wistfully. ‘We don’t have much to celebrate these days.’

  ‘That’s wonderful, isn’t it?’ I asked after watching his frown deepen. ‘The sooner the war’s over and the Nazis are gone, the sooner Tante Elya is safe.’ I squeezed his hand in encouragement.

  He nodded, deep in thought. ‘I think that soon we’ll have to bow to the inevitable and it only makes sense to cut our losses, but with the failed Luftwaffe counterattack on Paris, the Wehrmacht is scrambling for extra troops and openly recruiting boys from outside the Hitler Youth into their ranks now.’

  ‘I can’t believe we don’t have enough grown men to fight and have to resort to sending children to war. Surely the war can’t continue much longer like this?’ I said.

  ‘While the Führer continues to tell Germany that we can win this war, our soldiers will fight until the very end.’ He put down the paper and stared out towards the Brandenburg Gate. He was drawn, with black circles under his eyes. Long hours at work and a hopeless outlook for Germany’s future had seen him become more and more distant. ‘So much bloodshed could be avoided, as well as the destruction of Germany’s infrastructure and economy. It’s going to be a disaster once the war is eventually over.’

  ‘What can we do?’ I was worried about him. A man who wanted to change the world and make it a better place was now trapped, fighting a war he no longer believed in.

  He smiled weakly. ‘There’s nothing we can do but continue to do our jobs and wait.’

  * * *

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with you,’ said Dr Stahl about six weeks later. My blood tests had arrived, and I was sitting across from him in one of the small consulting rooms at the hospital.

  I’d been tired and light-headed and Julius had been worried that I’d been pushing myself too hard at the hospital with back to back shifts. After some prodding from Marika who pointed out that I was pale and that my uniform hung a little loose on me, I’d finally seen Dr Stahl, Johann, now that he was her boyfriend, who agreed that I’d probably picked up something in the hospital. I’d been waiting on the results of blood tests before he’d prescribe me any medicine.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I frowned in puzzlement.

  ‘You’re pregnant.’

  ‘I’m sorry?’ Surely I’d misheard.

  ‘You’re pregnant,’ he repeated.

  I stared at him in disbelief. ‘Are you sure? I can’t be.’

  ‘The blood test doesn’t lie, Susie.’

  I thought back desperately – my last period had been in August and it was now October. It wasn’t unusual for me to be a little late sometimes, and admittedly I’d lost track of time with the long hours I’d been working, but three weeks late… The blood drained from my face and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  ‘I could be, but…’ I looked at him in consternation, feeling dislocated from myself.

  He covered my hand with his own. ‘So, not expected then?’

  ‘No,’ I whispered. ‘We’ve been diligent but there must have been an accident.’

  ‘How will Julius take the news?’ he asked.

  I shrugged. ‘I honestly don’t know. We’ve talked about having children one day.’ I gazed out the window, out onto the gardens, while Johann put the test results into my file. My first thoughts were for Leo, not Julius. My heart still belonged to Leo, no matter how I tried to push my feelings for him away. A stab of pain seared through my chest with the realisation that the small but steadfast hope I’d harboured that Leo and I would be together one day was now completely destroyed. There was no future for us. My life was now forever tied to Julius’s. Although Julius loved me, and I had come to love him in my own way, I wondered how he’d take the news. Bringing a child into the world at a time of war, under the shadow of the Third Reich, wasn’t something I wanted, but here I was…

  ‘You and Marika both have news to share.’

  My wandering thoughts were jerked back to the present. ‘What?’ I looked at Johann, uncomprehending.

  ‘I proposed to Marika last night. We’re getting married in December!’ I was still spinning and struggled to drag myself from my own thoughts but his joy was evident. I forced my own worries to one side and smiled warmly to show him how happy I was for them.

  ‘How wonderful!’ Marika had found the love she’d been searching for. ‘Congratulations, Johann. You’re both lucky to have found each other.’ I gave him a brief hug before closing the door behind me.

  I’d never been so grateful for the demands of work, which occupied my attention and gave me the time I needed to digest the news, to accept what a pregnancy meant for me. When I should have been sleeping between shifts, I often lay on my bed staring into space, in a haze of disbelief and confusion. My relationship with Julius was complicated and a baby had never been part of the bargain for me. I worried whether he was ready to become a family man, whether he’d accept this pregnancy or reject me. It would scandalise the village if I returned home, unmarried and pregnant, and my family had enough problems without caring for a fallen woman and her illegitimate child.

  It was a couple of days before I saw Marika and she shared her exciting announcement. I wept with happiness for her, hugging her tightly. Johann was a good match for her and I listened as she told me about her plans for the future, beginning with her wedding. I couldn’t ruin her special moment, but it seemed that soon both of us would be leading different lives: Marika as a married woman and me as a mother. I’d have to get married before I told my family the news. It would drive a permanent wedge between me and Leo. My head ached at the thought. I had a lot to work out but it was time to tell Julius and talk through what to do next.

  That night, I had Julius’s favourite meal waiting for him – roasted venison in a juniper and red wine sauce, braised red cabbage and spätzle – hot on the table when he arrived back at the suite after a long day at the ministry. There was a special grocer that many in the know used who could be relied on to find those little luxuries that had all but disappeared on ordinary shelves. He was one of Leo’s black market contacts, and it made me smile knowing that some of the estate’s produce ended up here, the exorbitant prices passed on to those who had forced Onkel Georg into this predicament in the first place.

  ‘Something smells good,’ Julius said, walking into the sitting room.

  ‘I’ve made you dinner.’ I smiled to cover my nervousness.

  ‘You’ve gone to so much trouble,’ he said as we sat at the carefully laid table, complete with a single burning candle in the centre and a small vase of miniature white roses. He inhaled. ‘It smells divine.’ He reached across the table and took my hand. ‘Nobody’s ever cooked for me like this. Thank you.’

  I squeezed his hand, blinking tears from my eyes. Cooking was such a small thing, yet it meant so much to him. I wondered if anyone had lavished love on him since he had left Gut Birkenhof. No wonder he visited us at the estate whenever he could.

  ‘It’s delicious,’ he said after a few mouthfuls. ‘I’m a lucky man to have you.’ Thank God Tante Elya and Frau Kraus had taught me well. The meal was cooked to perfection.

  ‘
Hopefully our children will like it one day too,’ I said, feeling faint. How did I ever get here? I took another swallow of the mellow wine to fortify myself.

  His eyebrows rose in surprise at my comment about children. It was something he’d talked about but not a topic I’d ever raised. ‘Of course they will. They’ll be fat, healthy and rosy-cheeked if this is anything to go by.’

  ‘Well, I think we’ll find out sooner rather than later,’ I said softly, watching his face intently as it dawned on him what I was saying.

  ‘You’re pregnant?’ He stared at me.

  ‘I’m sorry. I know we didn’t plan for this to happen now. The timing is all wrong, but –’

  Before I could finish, Julius jumped to his feet with a whoop, pulled me from the table, crushing me to his chest, and kissed me soundly.

  ‘You don’t mind?’ I asked slowly, still in his arms.

  ‘Liebling, I couldn’t be happier.’ He looked into my face and kissed my forehead, then led me to the lounge and settled me on his lap.

  ‘You’ve given me reason to hope for a better life, with a family of my own.’ He placed his hand protectively over my stomach. ‘And you don’t have to go back to work. I’ll look after you.’

  ‘The baby doesn’t arrive for quite a few months yet,’ I said, smiling. ‘And remember, I’m a modern woman. I love my job.’

  Julius nodded. ‘Have you told your family?’

  I frowned slightly, thinking how to tackle this delicate subject. ‘I wanted to talk to you first.’ I touched his cheek. ‘I wasn’t sure how you’d take the news.’

  ‘You’re my life, Susie. I’d never abandon you.’ I sagged in his arms at those words.

  ‘I can’t tell them that I’m pregnant outside of marriage,’ I whispered.

  He nodded thoughtfully. ‘Yes, it does change things. I think we should keep it quiet until we’re married. We’re surrounded by people with very traditional values who would view your condition as scandalous.’ He squeezed my hand in reassurance and smiled. ‘Then we can announce the news of your pregnancy.’