Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  “You had a lot to handle. Being pregnant and grieving doesn’t leave much energy for anything else.”

  “I couldn’t handle how public everything was. I did all I could to avoid the media—especially those first few weeks. There was something too final about watching Jared’s face plastered all over the news and hearing strangers confirm I would never see him again.”

  “I wondered how you were coping with all the media attention.” To clarify, he told her his experience with her at Jared’s funeral. “I thought about you on and off after that day, hoping you’d somehow found happiness again.”

  “The old me would have said God always intended for our paths to cross. He’s certainly dropped enough breadcrumbs to lead us to each other.”

  Eli considered her words. He too didn’t believe in luck or happenstance. But if God directed them to each other, for what purpose? Neither of them seemed to know.

  Missing it initially, it finally dawned on him what she said about the “old her.”

  “The old you?”

  “The one whose faith in God could not be shaken, not even after her parents’ deaths.”

  “She’s not there anymore?”

  “That naïve girl is six feet under with Jared.”

  He paused for an answer. God, how can I help restore her faith when I’m so new in mine?

  “Any chance she was never buried? That she’ll find her way back?”

  “She’s been trying since Nate came home safely. But—” He wasn’t sure if she’d ever finish the sentence when she eventually said, “But how could the same God who saved Jason and brought Nate back allow Jared to be gunned down like an abandoned animal?”

  Eli prayed for an answer. Taking a deep breath, he responded honestly, the only way he could. “I don’t know.”

  “At least you’re not telling me there’s a greater plan. I used to believe that. But what reason is there to keep taking parents away from their children?”

  “I can’t pretend to know God’s reasoning, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last year, it is that He loves us.”

  “What kind of love leaves Nate without a father? He can keep it.” Eli saw Reina’s hands shake and heard terror in her voice. “No. I can’t believe I just said that out loud. Now I’ve made Him so mad He’s going to take Nate away again.”

  Eli’s heart stopped. He watched Reina’s pulse quicken and distress cross her face. She truly believed it. She really thought God was sitting there waiting to punish Nate for her anger toward Him. God, is that why You brought us together? Spiritual guidance isn’t exactly what I know how to do. I’m barely crawling in my faith. How am I supposed to help her walk?

  “When I was thirteen, I was convinced God loved my sister Elizabeth more than he loved me,” he told her.

  “Huh?”

  “In my eyes there wasn’t a thing she wanted God didn’t give her. The puppy. An extra cookie. Extended TV watching permission. I’d hear her pray for these things and God would answer her. But me? Nope. It felt like we were praying to two different gods. One who loved Elizabeth and one who hated me.”

  “But we both know there’s only one God and He says He’s the God of love.” She reluctantly defended.

  “Yes. But it doesn’t feel that way when you think He’s out to get you or He doesn’t give you what you want when you want it,” he added.

  Reina shifted uncomfortably beside him.

  “This last year I’ve been feeling like if God hates me, I can’t do anything to stop Him,” Reina said. “The best I can do is stay out of His way. Keep my head down and hope He doesn’t notice me.”

  Eli took a silent breath. God, wow. You do know it’s me, right? The guy You just saved. You could have sent Reina someone with a degree in theology. How do I help her here?

  Apparently, Reina wasn’t expecting him to try. She continued. “You obviously don’t feel that way anymore. What changed?”

  “At the time, my mother explained that God designed and sees the whole picture from start to finish. As an adult I know now she was talking to me about His sovereignty, but she kept it simple. She explained that God loves all his children the same. That God is love. That’s His nature and He could never go against His nature and hate. And just because He gives something to one and not to the other doesn’t make it less true. Only He knows why He does what He does. But we can rest assured, because the Bible tells us, that whatever He does, He does for our good.”

  She bristled at that last thought. “Some good it is to take a husband from his wife and a father from his child.”

  Father, please help me know how to help her.

  “I don’t understand the reason for Jared’s death any more than I understand why Jason was shot. The only thing I know is over the last year I’ve learned to trust in God’s love and care more than I’ve ever in my entire life. I couldn’t have survived without it.”

  “It must have been painful waiting to learn if Jason would pull through.”

  “I’ve known better days.”

  She waited for him to say more.

  “We’ve been best friends since the womb,” he added.

  “How’d that come to happen?”

  “His mother saved the day when mine got to the cash register at a local supermarket and realized her wallet was missing.”

  “How embarrassing.”

  “Thankfully, Mrs. Downing paid for her groceries.”

  “Generous woman. What happened to your mother’s wallet?”

  “We’re still not sure.”

  “Strange.”

  “I know. But good thing it was lost. Otherwise, Jace and I would have missed out on each other’s toys growing up.”

  She offered up a small smile as reward for trying to cheer her up.

  He sobered when he continued. “We were each other’s shadows before we knew the meaning of best friend.”

  “It must have felt like you were losing a brother.”

  She allowed him the time it took to relive those days.

  “I didn’t know what to do.” He said, remembering how defeated he’d felt. “I mean a guy thinks he’s in control of everything until he’s faced with watching his best friend hooked up to machines—” He raked his fingers through his hair, disheveling it completely, “—playing a game of wait-and-see if he lives or dies.” Reina’s eyes encouraged him to continue. “But as petrified as I was that he would die, it paled in comparison to my worry that he’d leave this earth without ever accepting Christ.”

  She seemed touched by his quiet declaration.

  “I felt guilty that I’d been friends with him all these years but wasn’t living the kind of life that would have encouraged him to come to Christ.”

  “That’s a lot of guilt to shoulder.”

  “It was warranted. I grew up in the church, but never accepted Jesus as my personal savior. How could I have shared Christ with Jace when I didn’t have Him for myself?”

  “That’s an agonizing realization to come to while your best friend is fighting for his life.”

  “I think God saved Jace’s life to save both our souls.”

  “Wow.”

  “I was convicted at his bedside while he was in that coma. That day I dedicated my life to Christ and asked for His grace to be a witness to Jace and others around me.”

  “That’s a powerful testimony.”

  “Best decision I’ve ever made, but it’s been a challenging year of changing my ways to actually live how God has called me.”

  “Doesn’t the Bible say that’s why He gives us the Holy Spirit? It’s not something we can do alone.”

  “I certainly need Him.”

  “Me, too.” She added, “I’ve been trying to let go of my anger over Jared’s death. It’s not working.”

  “A good friend just told me we don’t have to shoulder things on our own. We have the Holy Spirit for that.”

  She edged closer and allowed him to wrap her in a comforting hug.

 
He felt his face redden when he said, “I’m still learning to pray, but I’d like to pray with you.”

  She nodded her agreement.

  “Father, You alone understand Reina’s anguish because You alone see her heart. She needs You, God, to release the anger that’s choking her. Although she doesn’t understand this great loss, help her trust that You love her and will free her from this pain. In the wonderful name of Jesus we pray this. Amen.”

  Reina swiped away tears. “Thank you.”

  “Tell me more about Jared.”

  Reina smiled and took him on a trip down memory lane.

  Toward mid-day, when it came time for Reina and Nate to go visit Jared’s grave, it felt natural for Eli to accompany them in support.

  “You keep coming in exactly when I need you,” Reina said, then smiled. “If you’re an angel, I don’t want to know.”

  He gave a short quiet laugh. “If I am, you should ask for your money back.”

  Eli laid flat on his back with the blanket carelessly draped over him. Sleep would not come. Not when there was so much on his mind.

  In the year since he’d given his life to Christ, God had called him to change so many of the life choices that were not pleasing in His sight. Prayer had led him to see that his revolving door of women grieved the Lord the most. He’d asked God for the strength to start to change his ways. A prayer answered immediately. His other request—God lead me to the relationship that will please You—had taken longer to manifest in his life.

  If he judged correctly, God was now answering that prayer. While comforting Reina today, he realized for the first time in his life what it meant to be in love. He’d been on the receiving end of romantic declarations more times than he deserved. The offers of love generally left him uncomfortable. Undoubtedly, the scenes would end the same: a woman sobbing and cursing him for being a heartless bastard. Now that he was the one with love to offer, he had no clue how to move forward.

  God, You certainly love a challenge. Is Your will for me a widowed mother who is still in love with her dead husband? While that terrified him before, now it calmed him, oddly. You’re still working on my faith; please help me trust Your hand in this matter. He wasn’t sure where to go from here, but that night he slept content in the acceptance of his love for Reina, and God’s plan for that love’s future.

  Reina marveled at the subtle changes in her relationship with Eli after that day. There was an awareness of each other that wasn’t there before. It’s not like either of us has mentioned the delicate shift. It’s easier that way. She pulled a jacket from her closet after settling the baby into his car seat. “Would be nice if we could shed these layers. Come on April, do your job. Bring some warmth.” She glanced at her phone. “Yikes, we’re going to be late.” She picked Nate up and kissed his nose. “These weekly counseling sessions with Pastor Roy have been a godsend. Mommy’s not where she wants to be yet, but she’s edging closer to letting go of the anger. But this hurt is keeping its grip on mommy’s heart…and this thing with Eli.” Nate watched her as if he was listening and processing. “Good thing I’m going to therapy. I need someone other than you to talk to.” She pretended to chew on his fingers. “But you’re a great listener, my little baby.” God, please stop these growing feelings for Eli. They’re disrespecting Jared’s memory.

  Chapter 8

  “Yes. Lauren is beautiful.” Eli eyed Reina, unsure where the conversation was heading.

  “I haven’t asked if you’re dating anyone and you can tell me to mind my business, of course.”

  He held his response.

  Reina cleared her throat. “Lauren thinks you’re attractive and you think she’s attractive.” She shrugged the rest of the thought. “She’s not talking to me or returning any of my calls for anything unrelated to Nate. Not that I can blame her after my horrible behavior.” She sighed. “But if she ever accepts my apology, I can set you two up some point down the road.”

  Eli remained silent. His face was indecipherable. An image of the striking, bubbly redhead he’d met three months ago came to mind. At any other time in his life, he would have had a date with her before they’d said their goodbyes. He had come to learn much more about her in these weeks that followed. He’d seen for himself, with the way she cared for Reina and Nate, a beauty that extended beyond the surface. Although she was everything he was normally attracted to physically, he was annoyed and upset with Reina for trying to set him up.

  “I don’t date everyone I’m attracted to,” he responded and regretted his harsh tone when he saw her wounded expression.

  “My fault. I shouldn’t have assumed.” She stood up and walked to the kitchen.

  “Rei.”

  Eli walked up to her as she bent to grab the water pitcher from the fridge. She was sandwiched between him and the refrigerator when he turned her around to face him. He removed the container from her hand and placed it on the counter. Briefly unnerved by the overwhelming urge to kiss her, Eli stood, unable to keep his eyes off her lips. He imagined the fullness of them against his own, and before he could question his sanity, stepped closer, tilted her chin upward, and bent his head to kiss her. He barely had time to register her widened eyes and soft gasp before touching his lips to hers. After a moment of hesitation, she joined him in the kiss. The tentative exploration soon turned into a self-assured claiming of her lips. He could feel Reina’s knees nearly buckle as he increased the pressure and gently coaxed her lips apart. His tongue found hers and the touch left her melting against him. He finally broke the kiss, but continued gently caressing her cheek. Stepping aside, his hand at the small of her back, he guided her to the couch. She sat away from him in the far corner, trying to catch her breath. He stood at the opposite end watching her.

  Say something, please. His eyes implored her. He watched fascinated by the myriad of emotions fighting for real estate on her face. She tried to guard it, but her dazed expression confirmed the full impact of the kiss. Seeing her that way validated his feelings. He was sure his expression mirrored hers.

  He thought he should apologize, but where was the truth in that?

  He wasn’t sorry for kissing her.

  Worried. Yes.

  Confused. Of course.

  But sorry? Not at all.

  Reina was first to break the silence. “That was…a mistake.”

  “That’s how you feel?”

  “We can forget all about the… well, you know.”

  “Is that what you’d like us to do?”

  Reina couldn’t hold his gaze.

  Eli crossed his arms.

  “Let’s just forget about the… well, you know,” She rushed to finish, “and go back to our conversation. You and Lauren would make a great match.”

  There was no confusing the anger holding court on his face. “You’re talking about setting me up with your best friend not even five minutes after we’ve–”

  Reina stopped him before he could finish. As if she thought not saying the words meant the kiss didn’t happen.

  “There was a spark when you two met. I’m sure it can turn to more if you let it.”

  Eli uncrossed his arms, shook his head, and stalked toward the door. “Keep convincing yourself of that spark as you try to forget the kiss we shared.” He furiously unfastened the lock, snatched the knob, and marched out. Before climbing the stairs two at a time, he turned around and scrutinized Reina. “Didn’t take you for the type to sacrifice her best friend for her self-protection.” He yanked the door closed and snarled, “Say goodnight to Nate.”

  April was nearing its end and Eli was still as furious today as he’d been when the “well, you know,” as she’d called it, happened. He’d lived in the same building with her for almost a year without their paths ever crossing. Despite his very calculated efforts to ignore her in the last couple of weeks, they inevitably crossed paths at every turn.

  The awkward encounters consisted of curt hellos and goodbyes unless she was with Nate. The little boy gravit
ated toward him. Eli didn’t know a six-month-old could be so alert and aware of the people in his life. Nate always reached for him on sight. Eli had taken to simply holding his arms open whenever he came in contact with the two. While he freely displayed his happiness at seeing Nate, he held his joy in check when it came to Nate’s mom. He was courteous but formal. Never cluing her in on the disappointment he felt at their rift. His face masked his hurt and kept locked just how much he missed her. A lot.

  Until he’d met Reina, he hadn’t known he needed or wanted a smiling face to ask about his day. He hadn’t known it would matter to him to have someone, other than his mother, fill her fridge with his favorite juice. He had never considered that it could be fun to spend all night talking with a woman. She opened his eyes to all those things, and he was miserable without her. Adding to his torture was his brain’s refusal to shut out the kiss.

  Eli spotted her standing by the mailbox with Nate.

  “I hate how things are between us,” she said in greeting.

  He reached for Nate. “Let’s head to my place to talk in private. The Pearl has ears.” He waved to Mrs. McFarland as she walked by, glancing at them with interest. They rode the elevator up to his apartment and stood in his living room for several minutes in uncomfortable silence.

  “Have any more friends you want to pawn me off on?” His face was serious. “Or do you have to kiss me again to try out the merchandise before you sell me to the highest bidder?”

  “Was that necessary?”

  They stared at each other, both upset and unwilling to back down.

  “Look, I came here to apologize. Nate is too young to understand, but I don’t want to fight in front of him.”

  The hard anger lines on his face softened as he accepted his part in escalating the tension. He motioned for her to sit while he did the same with Nate.

  “About the…well, you know–” He stopped her before she could finish.

  “This conversation ends right here if you don’t acknowledge our kiss.”

  He didn’t give her a chance to respond.