Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  “Well?” he questioned impatiently.

  “What does it matter?”

  He rose with Nate in the crook of his left arm. “We’ll talk when you’re ready.”

  “Are you kidding? That’s it? The conversation is over because you don’t get your way?”

  He maintained his calm and pinned her with a stare. “I kissed you. You kissed me back. We both enjoyed it. When you’re ready to admit all three points, we’ll talk.”

  She said through gritted teeth, “You kissed me. I kissed you back.”

  He waited for a moment before quietly prompting, “And…”

  She glared at him for so long he figured she would never finish the sentence out of sheer stubbornness. When he was about to give up, her tone softened and she said quietly, “And we both enjoyed it.”

  It mattered to him to hear her admit it.

  “But it should have never happened.” Her words doused his excitement.

  “I won’t argue whether it should or shouldn’t have. It did. What do we do about it now?”

  “We put it behind us and move on like it never happened.”

  He held her in a steady gaze as he spoke. “Is that what you need to make yourself feel better?”

  When she didn’t say anything, he continued with, “Okay fine. If that’s what you need, that’s what we’ll do.”

  Maybe it was his wishful thinking, but she seemed strangely disappointed.

  “Before we close that door, I’m not sorry about the kiss. I enjoyed kissing you and would have liked the chance to do it again. More than that, I wanted the chance to explore this connection between us.” He stopped to let the words settle over her. Not expecting her to answer, he continued. “But I can tell how afraid you are by this–” Before she had a chance to jump in and make the verbal argument her face was showing, he put his hand up to ask her to wait until he finished. “I don’t have to read a book on grief to know you’re not over Jared.” She accepted the truth of that statement. “You’re not ready. I get it. I wanted to explore where this could go, but you’re not at a point where it can happen. I respect that.” He stopped to smile at Nate who was babbling and tugging at his shirt to get his attention. “You’re my first real female friend—crazy, I know—and I’d like to keep you in my life. There’s nothing else between us but friendship. I get that now. I won’t cross the line again—after today.”

  He gently placed Nate in the playpen he’d purchased to keep in his home. She’d insisted that wasn’t needed, but he’d countered that it only made sense, given the amount of time they spent with one another.

  Before she could catch her breath in anticipation of the look in his eyes, he caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. “Just after this one last kiss.”

  The couple of seconds of the first kiss had left her in shock and unable to participate right away. This kiss was different. She was with him as soon as his lips touched hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and tasted his lips with as much fervor as he did hers. It was a funny feeling simultaneously drowning and holding on for dear life. She felt lightheaded yet incredibly lucid. She was intimately aware of the way he increased the pressure and stroked his tongue to hers as she drew her body closer to his. Her body protested when he held her by the shoulders and painstakingly ended the kiss. He sat her on the couch away from him.

  He caught his breath. “If you don’t think you’re ready now or will be ready in the future, I’ll close that door. I just needed to…well, you know.” He smiled. “I needed to kiss you one more time to know I wasn’t the only one affected.”

  For someone with a degree in English Literature, she was finding it very difficult to speak the language. A simple sentence: subject, verb, and noun. Heck! Just a subject and verb would do at this point. She tried but could not get her brain to function enough to form an intelligent thought.

  And her silence is how they agreed to remain just friends.

  Chapter 9

  “Admit you’re a Scrabble shark.” Eli put away the board he’d purchased upon learning of Reina’s love for the game.

  “We’ve been playing once a week for what . . . two months? You’re still convinced I’m hustling you?”

  “You’ve outscored me by at least 50 points every single game. You’re not a newbie.”

  “I told you word games come easily to me.”

  “Yeah sure.”

  She laughed. “Or maybe you just suck at the game.”

  “I’ll remember those words the next time you need someone to kill a bug.”

  “Me and my big mouth.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Hey!”

  Noticing the time, she stood up and grabbed her bag. “I should let you get ready for your date.”

  “Ah. Yes.” He walked her to the door. “What’s on tap for the rest of your evening?”

  “Nate’s having a blast at his sleepover with Lauren.”

  “You two okay now?”

  “We will be. It’s going to take some more time. I hurt her.”

  “Friends forgive, so says my mother.”

  She nodded. “Have fun tonight.”

  “But you didn’t tell me what you’re up to.”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll go wild and go to the movies.”

  “Be a real rebel—throw in dinner, too.”

  “There you go giving me ideas. Just be ready to bail me out.”

  “I keep Jace around for just such occasions.”

  “Even more reason for me to be nice to him when we do the walk-through of the venue next month.”

  After the night at her apartment, Jason had worried he had set her back in her healing process. He’d kept his distance, though he had still wanted to help with the fundraiser. Last month in early June, she had asked Eli to extend an invitation to Jason for brunch as a way of bringing closure to that conversation. She’d greeted Jason with a tentative hug and said, "I'm happy at least one of you survived that monster." Audibly letting go of the breath he was holding, Jason had smiled shyly. She’d then given him an open, friendly embrace and pulled both he and Eli into the apartment and said, "Let’s eat!" That had been their way of moving forward.

  “He is still coming, right?”

  “You had him at pizza.”

  She’d suggested they all go out for a friendly meal afterward. Lauren would join with Nate.

  She joked, “I sure know how to attract ‘em.”

  Eli flashed a quick sober smile. “Yeah. Yeah, you do.”

  A persistent knock forced them to break eye contact before either could react to the charge in the environment. Eli opened the door. Emily, the brunette he’d been seeing since late May, stood on the other side.

  “Did I get our plans mixed up? I thought I was picking you up in an hour.”

  “I see you were too busy to read my text.” Emily pouted, drawing attention to her red painted lips.

  Eli apologized and excused himself to find his cell.

  Left alone with Emily, Reina found herself on the receiving end of her inimical glare.

  “Somehow I’m not surprised to see you here again.”

  Reina was taken aback. She’d sensed Emily seemed jealous of her, but she’d dismissed the thought. What was there to be jealous about? Since their last kiss, Eli had moved on, earnest in his desire to respect Reina’s wishes. He’d straightened the blurred lines they’d toed. Which gave her the freedom to remain cocooned in the grief that allowed her to hold on to Jared. What she thought she wanted.

  We're just friends! She wanted to shout to Emily, but the nagging voice of truth—the one she'd dubbed little Lauren—kept her silent. So maybe I feel something more than friendship for him, she acknowledged silently. How can I not after that kiss? Kisses, actually. She was confused about her feelings for him at a time when he was moving on.

  Refusing to engage Emily in an argument, Reina yelled to Eli that she was leaving. Eli walked back in with the phone in hand. Emily, now all smiles, sna
ked her arm around his.

  Staring at the aesthetically perfect pair, Reina questioned why the woman wasted her energy seeing her as a threat. In case you haven't noticed, you two are sickeningly perfect together. Knowing Eli was now over whatever he’d thought he felt for her, added to her misery. She exhaled her sadness.

  She must have done so loudly because Eli asked, “Are you feeling okay?”

  "Great. You two have fun tonight,” she answered and rushed off.

  Though she knew his knock, Reina was surprised to see Eli at her door the next night. He had an early dinner date with Emily. She’d seen them leave not long ago. Catching her breath and commanding her heart to calm its rapid beats, she stepped aside to allow him into her apartment.

  She pointed to the clock. "Did you even chew your food?"

  He should have at least cracked a smile in response, but he just watched her. His face, curious. Nate was growing impatient waiting for Eli to acknowledge him and tried to leap from her arms to his.

  His action broke Eli’s trance. Laughing, Eli easily took hold of Nate. The sight of her son jovial in Eli’s arms touched her heart.

  To move past the tender moment, she asked, “What happened with your date?”

  "Why would you think something happened?"

  Again, she directed his attention to the time.

  "Dates end early,” he said and added, “Scrabble?”

  She looked confused but pulled out the box from underneath the coffee table and set it up on the floor.

  “I’ll grab chips."

  “Not too much. Had plans to order pizza for dinner. I’ll grab one of your special pies in case you’re still hungry.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Reina sat on the soft rug more confused now than when he first came in. He'd looked like he had something important to say but had changed his mind. She racked her brain for what it could be and groaned when her mind settled on an answer. Did Emily say something to make him think I’m a threat to their relationship? No wonder he looked uncomfortable. We’d settled this. Crap!

  Not realizing she'd spoken the last word out loud, she jumped when he teased. "Such language."

  Black-girl-blushing, she smiled nervously.

  “What has you cursing up a storm in here?”

  The answer burned to escape the tip of her tongue. I'm jealous that things are getting serious between you and Emily. And I’m scared and confused about these feelings for you. Feelings I told you I wasn’t ready for. Feelings I don’t think I am ready for.

  Instead, she answered, “Just remembered something I meant to do. I’ll take care of it tomorrow. Come on. Let’s play.”

  He nodded.

  C-A-J-O-L-E-D. She laid down all of her letters to score first in the game.

  Midway through the game, they took a break while Eli grabbed the pizzas from the deliveryman. Letting them cool, he returned to the board and played D-O-L-E off her D.

  Nate banged on the board and cut the awkward silence of the night.

  He sensed Reina was finally done holding back her curiosity.

  “What's going on?"

  Eli looked up from writing the score, gently tugged the piece of paper Nate was putting in his mouth, and thought of how to answer without scaring her off. “Broke things off with Emily.”

  “But why?”

  She wasn’t you. A quick check of her reaction assured him his heart had spoken the words silently. Eli had called an early night to what should have been a good date because Reina had occupied his every thought. He'd spent the night wishing it was Reina and not Emily who sat across from him flirting and trying to hold his attention. If it had been her, she wouldn't have had to try.

  Aloud he answered, “It wasn't working out.” He’d been trying to honor his pledge to God to change his wayward ways. He had thought committing to Emily would help but he couldn’t. He’d broken up with Emily because a relationship with her would be a lie. Reina was the one he wanted to be with. Plain and simple. But he couldn't burden her with his feelings. Not when she still wore her wedding band. A sure sign she wasn’t letting go of Jared.

  “Her loss will be another woman’s gain,” Reina told him.

  He wanted her to want to be that woman.

  She placed her tiles and earned triple points for R-E-J-E-C-T.

  Looking down at the board, she grimaced. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Some things aren’t meant to be.”

  “I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I’m glad I can finally be here for you like you’re always there for me.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’ve been like an emotional vampire from the day we met.”

  “That means what exactly?” He asked the question not to be mean, but because he was genuinely confused.

  “It means you’re always coming to my emotional rescue: Nate’s disappearance, Jason’s news, and my breakdown on the anniversary of Jared’s death.”

  “We’re keeping scores?”

  “You’re not because I haven’t done anything for you.”

  “Other than be my friend?”

  “This take, take, take on my end is not friendship—not a good one anyway.”

  How can two people look at the same situation and come to such vastly different conclusions?

  “You know by now I’m not a chump.”

  “I never said you were.”

  “You did,” he said bluntly. “Only a fool would sit around letting himself be used and used and used, as you said, without putting an end to it.”

  “You’re not a fool, but you can’t say you haven’t had to be there for me more than you can count.”

  “Maybe that’s your problem. You have some scoreboard you’re marking off. I don’t.”

  “Spoken like the man who’s always giving.”

  “Stop making me out to be some kind of saint.” The Scrabble board shook with his emphatic declaration and tiles shifted. Nathaniel took that as his cue to clear the remaining ones. He grinned as if he just helped with a household chore.

  Nate’s delight helped Eli relax. Reina didn’t know he continued to hope for more than she had made clear she could give. He’d been doing his best to move forward. To respect her wishes to be just friends. When he had started seeing Emily, he’d done so with all the right intentions to close the door on what could have been with Reina and focus on building a future with someone new. But his time with Emily only proved to him that he hadn’t given up on Reina. He wanted the three of them, sitting around like a family right now, to be real. God, I can use a little more of that faith I prayed about months ago.

  He was frustrated that she kept him on some kind of hero pedestal. It’s not that he didn’t appreciate her gratitude, he did. But he thought she was using that to keep distance between them. He wasn’t the perfect selfless human being she kept insisting he was. Eli thought of his past and wondered, not for the first time, if he should share it with her. Some, not all. He wasn’t ready to bare everything for her to see his many flaws.

  He continued, his tone subdued. “Having you and Nate in my life has given me as much—if not more—than anything I could ever give you.” Nate, now crawling on the floor, let loose an excited scream. Eli and Reina laughed. “I guess Nate agrees with me.”

  She started again to remind him of her earlier argument, but he shut her down by saying, “We’re not keeping count. Let’s stop going back and forth on it.”

  “You’re too bossy to be a saint.”

  He gave a quick chuckle but wasn’t ready to let her change the subject with a joke.

  Out of the corner of his eyes, Eli spotted an eager Nate about to chew on the Q tile. Nathaniel squirmed as Eli picked him up, upset that he wasn’t allowed to eat a scrabble letter for dinner. Eli placed him in a sitting position and started bouncing him on his knees. At nine-months-old, this had become his favorite game—as evident by his delighted squeal. His glee increased with every bounce. Happy to see his joy, Reina c
lapped her hands in excitement. Nate’s eyes and ears followed her hands and he clumsily tried to mirror his mother’s movement.

  When he stopped bouncing, Reina grabbed some of his favorite toys from his room and they all played on the floor until it was time to feed, bathe, and put him to bed.

  Much later that night, Reina walked back to the living room with plates in hand. Her fingers pinched her nose as she handed Eli the one with the two pizza slices of ham, anchovies, and pineapple. She took the glass of water in exchange.

  “You eat like you’re pregnant.”

  After chewing a big bite, he responded, “So I’ve been told.” He mocked her by slowly inching the slice close to her face. “Take a bite. You know you want to.”

  Disgusted, she dragged herself across the rug to move away from him. “Keep that vile concoction on your side of the room.” Her puckered face punctuated her repulsion. “Ugh. I can smell it.”

  He only laughed.

  When he quieted down, he gently reintroduced the unfinished conversation between them. “For someone who doesn’t think she’s brought much to my life, you’re somehow always making me laugh.”

  “It’s not like you were a curmudgeon before we met.”

  That’s true. He’d always been an easygoing guy. “Maybe not, but I wasn’t exactly the laughing family man I am today.”

  “Oh.”

  Realizing what he said, Eli stammered, “Not t-that … I mean…I-I’m not saying it like we’re a family—mother, father, and son type—” He was floundering, trying to explain.

  “Don’t worry. I know what you mean. I think.”

  “The guy I was before you and Nate wouldn’t find anything fun about spending a Sunday night with a mom and her kid.”

  “Gee thanks.”

  His tongue tripped over his explanation. He wanted her to know she’d change him—for the better. “Not insulting you. Guess I’m saying you make day-to-day life enjoyable. Even the mundane seems fun.”

  “You make me sound as exciting as old dishwater.”

  Eli had finessed his approach with women by the time he was sixteen. How could he possibly be fumbling this so badly? Because you’re in love with her. Since coming to that realization, he’d felt like an immature schoolboy always rummaging for the right words.