by Jane Anthony
I’d told her I came into work early for the Corvette but that was only half-true. The nagging guilt that AJ was lying in that bed because of me was gnawing at me, making it hard to sleep. It never would have happened if he didn’t walk in on us, and it’s all my fault. I’m a grown man with no self-control. Even worse, I’m still doing it. Every time she comes to me in the night, I know it’s wrong but I try to justify it by telling myself that I’m doing it for her. The truth is the only time I feel at home is when I’m with her.
I was exhausted by the end of the day but I forced myself into the shower and out to the hospital, stopping first at the donut shop to buy coffees for Jillian and me. At the last minute, I grabbed Jill a turkey sub because if I knew her, she hadn’t eaten anything all day.
Jillian greeted me with a small smile when I knocked on the doorframe to AJ’s room. I handed her the coffee and sandwich, then retreated back to my chair in the hall. A few seconds later, she appeared in the doorway. “This was sweet, thank you.” She blew into the coffee and steam rose from the mouth of the cup.
“How’s he doing today?”
She leaned against the wall and exhaled a deep breath. “Same.” The corners of her mouth turned down, and she took a sip of her coffee. “You don’t have to wait out here, you know. You can come in.”
“I read online that he may be able to hear talking and commotion that goes on inside the room. I think my voice is probably the last one he wants to hear, unfortunately. But maybe this will help stimulate some activity.” I handed her my phone, and she peered down at the screen.
“2112, AJ’s favorite. He loves Rush. I can’t believe you remembered this.”
“Geddy Lee is not a voice easily forgotten, believe me.”
She smiled, and it seemed genuine for the first time in days. I watched from the hall as she turned back into the room and placed the phone on the table next to AJ. The pseudo futuristic sounds of “Overture” started up then smoothly tumbled into “The Temples of Syrinx.” “And the meek shall inherit the Earth,” she chanted under her breath. She kept the sound low, I assumed not to offend anyone else in the hospital. This was only for AJ, after all.
Memories of us trying to play this album came flooding back. It was both awful and awesome at the same time. I came far enough into the room to lean against the woodwork around the doorframe. She looked back at me. Tears streamed down her face, but she was smiling. Did she remember too? “You tried to sing the lead because even at sixteen, AJ’s and my voices were too deep.” She put her hands up to her mouth to stifle a giggle. She did remember.
“Everything seemed so simple back then. Strange how long five years can be.” She wasn’t kidding. It was a lifetime ago. The person I was back then was a stranger to me now. My lips curled into a tight-lipped smile, and I nodded, not wanting to say too much. I stepped out of the room and reclaimed my seat in the hall.
Eventually, the album ended, and all was quiet again except for the slight sounds of beeps and hums. Jill came out and handed my phone back to me, then returned to the seat next to AJ. Two seconds later, the phone buzzed in my hand.
Jill: After all is said and done, I know AJ would appreciate everything you’re doing for us.
She must have texted herself from my phone to get my number. I saved her number into my phone before responding. Those ten digits were like gold.
Jameson: Well, that’s up for debate.
Considering the lethal look on his face when he found Jill and me in bed together, I wasn’t so sure.
Jill: Maybe we can convince him what happened that day was just a dream.
Was that what she wanted? For us to just fade away like a dream? The idea that AJ’s recovery equaled the possibility of never touching Jillian again created complicated feelings within me. Of course, I wanted him to be get better. I wanted nothing more than to make shit right between us. It was important to me that we have the man-to-man talk that was well overdue. Things got way out of hand before the accident, and I never should have let it get that far. I should have been straight with him from the start. I honestly had no idea what was going to happen once he recovered, but I did know I couldn’t lose her. I needed her. She was a part of me now.
Jameson: Maybe. I think being honest about our feelings would be a better tactic.
My knee bounced as I waited with my phone in my hand. Her response wasn’t as immediate as her last, and I wondered if I’d overstepped my boundaries. I knew she was battling with it in her own mind. She mostly avoided me like the plague during the day, but at night, her true desires bubbled over.
Jill: Sex is not a feeling.
The text hit me in the chest like a sledgehammer. It was amazing how easily destroyed I was by those five little words. She was still denying us. When was she going to realize my feelings for her were real? I told her I wasn’t going anywhere, and I meant it. Not just right now, but for always. If it took me the rest of my life to prove it to that girl, then I’d spend the rest of my life doing just that.
I slid my phone back into my pocket. There was no good way to respond. It was better to leave it alone before starting a wicked fight I knew I’d ultimately lose. She could tell herself that sex wasn’t a feeling, but that night when she was pleading to have me inside her, I’d know the real deal.
Chapter Nineteen
JILLIAN
The next two weeks progressed with little change except for the dark hair covering AJ’s jaw. We’d fallen into this monotonous daily routine. Jameson worked like a machine at the shop, and I worked for a few hours, but ultimately left early to be with AJ, and every day I’d play different albums in AJ’s room hoping he would hear it and follow it home.
I sat by AJ’s bed waiting for Dr. Rumson to arrive. He’d had a CT scan earlier that morning, and I’d prayed for something to change. When she arrived, Jameson followed her in, and grabbed my hand, bracing me for the possibility of bad news.
She opened her folder and read the results from the chart before speaking. “Well, it seems like the swelling has greatly reduced.” She pushed her glasses up on her nose and continued reading. “Brain activity seems normal as well.” She closed the folder and held it under her arm.
I was squeezing Jameson’s hand so hard it was beginning to hurt. “So what now?”
“Now, we lower the medicine and allow him to wake up.” She said it so flatly; as if it wasn’t the best news I’ve heard in my entire life. Jameson let go of my hand and wrapped his arms around me. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I didn’t know whether to cry or bang out a cartwheel. “Keep in mind it could take a while for the drugs to leave his system and even longer before we can remove the ventilator. Once he is stable, can open his eyes, can follow commands, and has shown strength to breathe by himself, there should be no reason that he can’t be taken off the ventilator after a day or so, generally speaking.”
“I understand. So when will you decrease the meds and when will he start to wake up?” I felt like a kid at Christmastime waiting to open her brand new bike. I was going to talk to my brother again. He was going to move and eventually talk back.
“We’ll start decreasing them ASAP, but it could be tomorrow before we see any activity from him.”
“Thank you so much, Dr. Rumson.” If I didn’t think the woman would suffer cardiac arrest from the shock, I probably would have kissed her. She checked the machines, tinkered with the IV bags, and excused herself. I sat back in the seat by AJ, content to wait until he was ready to join me again. Jameson kissed my head and walked back to his chosen seat in the hallway.
I scrolled through my phone looking for another album to play. It felt like a Van Halen kind of day. I popped on 1984, and set it on his bedside table as I’d done every day that week. Diamond Dave started to croon, and I joined Jameson in the hall. “You all right? You seem weird.”
“Yeah, cutie, I’m great. Just tired. It’s been a long couple of weeks, you know?” I hadn’t noticed how worn out he really looked until he s
aid something. He’d been burning the candle at both ends between the shop and dealing with all of this.
“Why don’t you head out? I’m fine here, really.”
“Nah, I’m good.” He threaded his fingers with mine and pulled me between his legs. His arms encircled my middle and squeezed me tightly. “See? I’m better already.”
I smiled and took a step back. He seemed so odd. His eyes were ringed red with exhaustion, but it was more than that. The sadness in them was painful to look at.
“Jameson, you’ve been amazing this week,” I said resting my hands along each stubbly cheek. “You’ve done more for us than anyone ever has, and there is no way I could possibly ever repay you. Please, go home and get some rest. For me.”
He looked up at me with a bleak expression. It was almost as if he was afraid to leave. Like if he left this spot, I'd dissolve into a puddle of nothingness on the floor never to be seen again. “You and I both know I’m not above begging,” I said with a smirk. “Honestly, I’m probably just going to stay the night. I would like to be here when he wakes up, ya know?”
“All right, all right. You win.” He stood, stretching his long body to the ceiling. The corded muscles in his arms flexed and strained under his vibrant skin and his rigid stomach peeked out from the hem of his shirt. I pretended not to notice the hard looks he got from the women on the floor.
His fingers caught under my chin as his lips dropped to mine with a gentle kiss good-bye that took my breath away. “Call me if you need anything,” he said, before walking toward the elevator.
“Hot for Teacher” was just starting to play as I reentered AJ’s room. Alex Van Halen thrashed on the drums and the eyes beneath AJ’s closed lids started to flit side to side. My mouth dropped open in surprise; this was more activity than I’ve seen from him all week! Small as it was, it gave me more hope than the doctor’s encouraging words did earlier. My mind was made up. I would not leave this hospital until AJ opened his eyes.
AJ’s favorite bands played one after the other late into the night, but I didn’t get any other indication that he was with me at all. I was doing the bobble head neck bounce trying to keep myself from nodding off in the chair. My eyelids felt heavy, but I just knew the second my eyes closed, his would open and I’d miss it.
I rubbed my eyes and got up to get another coffee. Jameson’s unoccupied seat sent a quick flash of sadness through me. I sent him home because he needed rest, but I wished he were still here. I couldn’t help it. It was lonely here at night, and I missed him. I wished I were home in his arms. He was so cozy and warm. He’d tangle his legs with mine and wrap his arm completely around me in a sweet Jameson cocoon. His warm breath would tickle my neck and the loneliness would drift away leaving me with a sense of peace.
Every night this week, we’d started the night out apart but finished it together. He’d tuck me in and do whatever needed to be done at the house, but sooner or later, when the nightmares hit, I’d crawl into his arms and he’d comfort me the best way he knew how. It was the part of our routine that was ignored the moment the sun rose.
I grabbed a coffee from the machine in the ICU waiting room. Unlike the stuff in the coffee shop downstairs, it was total swill, but I hoped enough cream and sugar would mask the taste. This time of night, it was all that was available, and I needed the jolt of caffeine to stay awake.
The music stopped and the room was quiet. I sipped my coffee and sat in silence until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Remember that time in high school when we went to Ozzfest together? That was a wild show. Our seats were right at the edge of the wall in the stadium. It would only be one swift jump to the ground for us to be on the floor. You talked about it the whole time we were there, but I was too chicken to make the leap.” My throat felt tight conjuring up the memory of a lifetime ago. AJ and I were different then, wild and carefree. We had nothing better to do than hang out.
“Pantera came on stage, and you lost your mind. The growling vocals of Phil Anselmo made me feel brave, and I went for it. I jumped over the wall and landed on the floor below. You followed me right after yelling, ‘Go! Go!’ so that we could get lost in the crowd. It was exhilarating, and I wished I hadn’t been so scared and listened to you earlier. I should have known you’d never ask me to do something that would get me hurt. You always have my back.”
Tears filled my eyes. I wiped them away and cleared my throat before continuing with my anecdote. “That was, of course, until I ran into the mosh pit!” I giggled as the full memory of that day came flooding back. “I took a rogue elbow to the face and some enormous beefy dude grabbed the kid by his shirt and hurled him aside like he was a kitten, remember? I think that is one of my favorite memories of us. I ended up with a bloody nose and the worst sunburn of my life, but that show was legendary. And I got to see it with my favorite person in the whole world.”
As I finished my story, I slid my hand into the motionless one lying by his side. His fingers lightly squeezed around mine then let go. I jumped up from my seat. “AJ?” My voice was quiet, but my heart was pounding in my chest. I gave another tentative squeeze, and his hand tightened around mine again. My hand still in his, I touched his face with the other. “AJ. It’s Jill. Can you hear me?”
His lashes flickered, and his hand constricted again, but his eyes didn’t open. I stroked his cheek with my thumb and waited. I knew I should probably get a nurse, but I was glued to the spot next to his bed. “AJ, I know you can hear me. Please, come back.”
Nothing happened. Disappointed tears flooded out of both eyes. How much longer could I do this for? I was trying so hard to be strong, but every time I got an inkling of progress, it disappeared without any warning and crushed me.
It just wasn’t fair. Why did everything have to be so damned hard all the time? I felt like I’d been put on this Earth for someone’s sick amusement. Like, ‘let’s see how much shit the short girl can take before she completely breaks!’ Well, I hope whoever was watching because my breaking point was very near.
Dead tired and angry at the world, my ass hit the chair as my pity party continued. All I wanted was for AJ to open his damn eyes. It seemed like such a small request after everything else I’d been through in my short lifetime. Why was I being punished like this? What kind of bastard was I in a past life that I was destined to live through watching everyone I love rot away in front of my very eyes while I was powerless to stop it?
What I really needed was sleep. I’d been running on fumes, and I was starting to lose my shit. Covering my face with a tissue, I wiped all the wetness away and took a few deep breaths. The doctor said he would wake up, and I had to be patient. Falling apart wasn’t going to help matters. I sighed heavily and laid my head on the bed next to my brother.
Fingers touched my face, and I shot up. AJ’s eyelids fluttered and blinked and his eyes slowly began to open. I grasped his hand and pushed the call button to alert the nurse as I awaited my brother to come to.
His eyes looked drugged. I wasn’t sure if he would even know what was happening. “AJ, I’m here. I’m here.” Lethargic pupils moved at a snail’s pace in my direction. “You’re awake.”
I couldn’t contain the tears that spilled over my cheeks. His drowsy lids closed and opened again, and it seemed like he tried to say something. “Don’t talk. It’s okay. You’re in a hospital. You had an accident. You’re going to be fine, though. Everything is going to be fine.” I was assuring myself just as much as him. He wasn’t out of the dark yet, but seeing his hazel eyes staring back at me was the greatest sight in the world to me.
JAMESON
The shrill ringing of the phone next to my head woke me up. The lighted display illuminated the dark room. I was still half-asleep when I barked hello into the mouthpiece.
“It’s eight o’clock, are you still in bed?” Her sweet voice flowed into my ear like a song.
“Shit, yeah. I had trouble sleeping last night.” It had only been a couple of weeks, but I’d grown used to hav
ing her next to me. My cold bed was like a prison cot without her sweet smell and soft body next to mine. It made even their lumpy old couch feel comfortable. “You okay? How’s AJ?”
“I’m great. AJ woke up early this morning. He was still pretty drugged up and doesn’t seem all that with it,” she said with a sleepy yawn leaking into her sentence.
“That’s great! Have you been awake all night?”
“I slept a little in the chair in the room. Catnaps mostly. AJ is asleep again, on his own this time. They are going to be doing some more tests on him, so I’m going to head home in a bit to sleep and shower. I just wanted to give you an update.”
“All right, cutie. You be safe driving home.” I disconnected the call and jumped out of bed to get ready to open the shop. If I didn’t hustle, I was going to be late, and I wanted to stop at the grocery store to get some things for Jill before heading over. I wasn't sure when she’d be back, but I did know that if there was no food when she got there, she just wouldn’t eat. She couldn’t survive on coffee and catnaps alone.
The key to her house was on the key ring for the office, so I just let myself in the front door when I arrived. I filled her fridge with a couple of sandwiches and a bottle of that Hazelnut shit she liked to pour in her coffee. It wasn’t much, but it would suffice for now.
The sound of crunching gravel outside alerted me to her presence. It was ridiculous how excited I was to see her. It had only been one night, but I missed her. The front door opened, and I walked over to meet her. “Honey, you’re home!” I joked.
She seemed surprised to see me. “What are you doing here?”