A Love Restored

by Goshorn, Kelly;

  Ping.

  She pushed herself onto her elbows.

  Ping. “Ru-thie!”

  Huh?

  “It’s me, Ben.”

  For heaven’s sake, didn’t he know what time it was?

  “There’s a yellow rose of Texas that I am going to see-“

  The familiar chorus drifted through her open window. Was he playing a guitar?

  “She cried so when I left her, it like to break my heart. And if I ever find her, we never more will part.”

  Ruth Ann cast off the blanket and hurried toward the source of the disturbance. With one knee bent on the window seat, she lifted the sash above her head and leaned out. “Benjamin? What are you doing?”

  He stepped into the moonlight. “I have some things to say to you, and I want you to come down to the porch and hear me out.”

  “It’s late.”

  “I’m not leaving until I’ve said my piece.”

  “I’m not—”

  “—her eyes are bright as di’monds, they sparkle like the dew—”

  “Stop that at once! You’ll wake the entire house.”

  “Then you’d better come down here, Ruthie.”

  “I will not. Besides, I’m in my nightclothes.”

  “Have it your way. Oh, now I'm going to find her, for my heart is full of woe. And we'll sing the songs together that we sung so long ago. We'll play the bango gaily, and we'll sing the songs of yore, And the Yellow Rose of Texas shall be mine forevermore—”

  “All right. All right. I’ll come.” She dressed quickly and crept down the stairs then peeked through the open crack in the front door.

  “I’m here. Now what is it you wanted to say to me?”

  “Nope. You need to come out here on the porch and talk with me.”

  She shook her head. “It must be after ten o’clock.”

  His fingers plucked the strings. “There’s a yellow rose of Texas that I am going to see—”

  Ruth Ann scurried through the door, closing it tight behind her. “Okay, you win.”

  ~*~

  Benjamin lifted the strap from his shoulder and leaned the guitar against the porch railing. His eyes fixated on the dark mass of curls unfurled across her shoulders. His throat felt thicker than a stack of pancakes smothered in molasses. He wiped his sweaty palms against his pant leg and removed his hat. “Evenin’, Ruthie.”

  Ruth Ann folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips. Her slippered foot tapped the wooden porch boards. She didn’t look too pleased with his starlight serenade. He swiped his tongue around the inside of his mouth, hoping to remove the mass of cotton that had somehow collected there. His heart thundered in his chest. This was it—now or never.

  His last chance.

  Pulse hammering in his head, words tumbled from his lips. “I’ve come here tonight to persuade you to trust me again. I love you, Ruthie. My heart beats for none but you.”

  “I’m sorry, Ben, it’s too late—”

  A faint hissing escaped his constricting lungs.

  “I’m accepting James’ proposal tomorrow.”

  He doubled-over, hands sliding to his knees.

  She rushed to his side. “Are you ill?”

  “Woman…you…scared me.” He took several deep breaths and straightened. “It’s not too late, and you need to listen to what I have to say, before you make a huge mistake like the one I made calling on Rose.”

  She stepped away from him, shaking her head.

  “Please, Ruthie. Listen to what I have to say, and if I don’t convince you, then I’ll leave you alone and you can marry Thornton with no more interference from me.”

  “Promise?”

  Benjamin raised his right hand. “On my honor.”

  A faint smile passed her lips. “I agree to your terms.”

  “Allow me, Miss Sutton.” He offered his arm.

  She raised a brow. “Why can’t we talk right here?”

  “I have a surprise.”

  Her gaze wandered to the guitar. “I hope it’s quieter than your last one.”

  “That depends on you. If you give me any trouble, I’ll have to start singing again.”

  She slipped her hand into the fold of his arm. “I’ll be on my best behavior.”

  Benjamin escorted her down the stairs and across the well-worn path to her mother’s cutting garden. As they rounded the corner of the house, a small fire came in view. Two chairs sat nearby with a wooden crate between them serving as a makeshift table. A pair of coffee mugs sat on the crate, one on either side of a pitcher filled with pale pink Peonies.

  Ruth Ann cradled her cheeks between her palms. “You did this for me?”

  “Let’s say it’s been a group effort.”

  “But why?”

  He pointed to the canopy of stars. “Because God made nights like this for wooing women.”

  She smiled, revealing one of her dimples, then took a seat by the fire.

  Benjamin handed her a mug and took the empty chair beside her. A few minutes passed before he broke the silence. “Ruthie, there are no words to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you.”

  “I don’t want to—”

  He weaved his fingers between hers and squeezed. “No doubt some of what I say will be hard to hear, but you agreed to hear me out, and I intend to hold you to it.”

  Ruth Ann nodded and sipped her coffee.

  “You told me I was brave for rescuing you at the Freedmen’s school. But truth is, when it really mattered, I was a coward.”

  “That’s not—”

  He held up his hand, quieting her objections. “Yes, it is. I was a coward and a fool to walk away from you. I was afraid of what others would think of me if the woman on my arm was less than perfect. And the truth is, there was never anything wrong with you, Ruthie, but there was definitely something wrong with me.”

  He glanced in her direction. Their eyes met briefly before she focused on the crackling fire.

  “I’ve spent most of my life ashamed of my upbringing. I’ve already told you that my parents were illiterate and how we scraped to get by, but I never told you much about my family—especially my mother. She has always been…a portly woman. Doing the simplest tasks would tucker her out, so many things were put off or left undone altogether. People stared whenever we went to town, or worse yet, whispered and pointed in our direction. It got so bad, I’d offer to do errands for Ma in town because I was embarrassed to be seen with her. I ran ahead of my mother to church and chose a pew with friends so I wouldn’t have to sit with her.”

  Ruth Ann wriggled her fingers lose from his grip and moved closer to the fire. Keeping her back to him, she stretched her palms out against the warmth of the flames.

  Would that be the last time he ever touched her? Please, Lord, soften her heart toward me. He swallowed the lump in his throat and trudged on.

  “The sad part is, I love my mother, but I wasn’t courageous enough to confront those who judged her solely on her outward appearance.” Benjamin hung his head, fearful and ashamed of what he would say next. “Somewhere along the line, I resolved that my life would be different. No matter what it took, I would be respected, not ridiculed and I…I promised myself that I wouldn’t marry a plump woman.”

  Ruth Ann gasped and covered her mouth, refusing to look his direction. “You alluded to something like this when I forced you to tell me why we couldn’t be together, but to hear you put voice to it—” A soft whimper accompanied the shaking of her head. “There’s something I don’t understand. If you made such a promise to yourself, why did you pursue me in the first place?”

  He moved behind her. “Because you’re so pretty, Ruthie. I’ve been smitten with you since the first day I came across you barefoot at the creek. You’re smart, kind, and patient. You’re refined but satisfied with simple things.”

  She faced him now, wrinkles creasing her brow. “So, what changed?”

  “What changed?”

  “My figure hasn’t altere
d from the day we met to the day you stepped out with Rose Martin. Why did it suddenly become an issue for you?”

  “Oh.” Benjamin took a deep breath. He knew if there was any hope of righting things with Ruth Ann, he needed to be brutally honest with her, but he didn’t want to cause her any more pain. “Comments from the men in camp about your figure.”

  “Like what?”

  He hadn’t planned on traveling this road. What good could come from it? “It’s not important now.”

  “It’s important to me. Tell me, Ben.”

  A sweaty palm stroked the back of his neck. “Remember the day you came to see me at the railroad camp with Maggie and Charlotte?”

  She nodded.

  “When you left, several of the men teased me saying you had eyes for me and that I’d better be careful. They made jokes about your ample curves and how hips like yours were made for pushing out babies and…”

  Her eyes bore into him like a hammer pummeling a nail. “And you didn’t stand up to the truth of your feelings for me.”

  Her icy tone nicked his heart, but he deserved it. He squatted and stoked the fire with a stick. “No. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t.”

  “So you tossed me aside in the hopes of a relationship with Rose. Well, that makes sense. Rose is slim and petite—quite the opposite of me, isn’t she?”

  “Yes, she is. In every way imaginable.”

  ~*~

  Unbelievable.

  Ruth Ann folded her arms tightly against her chest, doubting her decision to come outside and listen to more of this nonsense.

  The fire hissed and popped as Benjamin shoved his makeshift poker under a log. “Rose may have been the petite woman I thought I wanted, but she has none of your qualities. She spoke only of fashion and gossip. When she asked about my work, she nearly fell asleep before my answer was through.”

  Ruth Ann’s lips curved into a satisfied grin.

  Benjamin paused, keeping his gaze fixed on the flames. “Rose represents everything I thought I needed to garner the attention and respect of other men. However, I’ve learned that a man can’t respect himself if he doesn’t pursue the woman he loves because of what others think about him. God taught me that respect comes from my character—not my job, my possessions, or the woman who graces my arm.” He tossed the stick into the fire and stepped toward her. “And you taught me how to look deeper within myself to find the courage to stand up for what I want.”

  “Me?”

  He grasped her folded elbows. “You risked everything to teach at the Freedmen’s school because you didn’t see Negroes. You saw people made in the image and likeness of God. And you didn’t back down.”

  “I was foolhardy and reckless. I nearly got myself and everyone I care about killed.”

  “No. You stood up for what you believed, no matter what others thought. That’s what I intend to do from this day forward. With or without you by my side.”

  “Aren’t you forgetting something?

  “What?”

  “Nothing has changed in that regard. I have the same broad shoulders and fuller curves I’ve always had.” She looked away from him, biting her lip to keep her emotions in check.

  “Ruthie, everything I could ever want or need is in my two hands right now.”

  Her lips quivered and moisture pooled in her eyes.

  “I’ve always thought you were pretty, but now…”

  Benjamin’s eyes widened and the smile that graced his lips expanded. Why was he staring at her as if he didn’t know her? “How do you see me now, Ben?”

  “I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

  Her jaw slackened. “Y-you think I’m beautiful? But I’m still…”

  “Shhh,” he whispered, gently cupping her face in his hands. “All I see…is you.”

  Tears streamed unchecked now. No one had ever thought she was beautiful. No one, except her Heavenly Father. The tender sincerity of his words bore witness in her heart. This was exactly what she wanted him to say—what she needed him to say.

  He removed the handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed her eyes. “You are all my heart desires. Without you, Ruthie, I’m nothing. I need you by my side, helping me to become the man God wants me to be.”

  Her chest tightened as her resolve dwindled like candle wax near a burning a flame.

  “Ruthie, look at me.”

  “Uh-uh.” She clamped her eyelids closed, summoning strength from somewhere deep inside she didn’t know she still possessed.

  He lifted her chin with his finger, but she still refused to open her eyes and look at him. He leaned forward, his soft breath tickling her ear. “You’re a stubborn woman, Ruth Ann Sutton.”

  She chuckled and complied with his request as her gaze rested on his honey-colored eyes.

  “Ruthie, I know I don’t deserve it, but can you find it in your heart to forgive me? To trust me? I will never hurt you like that again.”

  Ruth Ann pressed her lips together, heart pounding. It was no use. She could not deny her love for him any more than she could deny air to her lungs. “I already have.”

  Benjamin drew her gently toward him. His fingers traced her hairline then across her jaw before dropping to her shoulders and down the length of her arm.

  She trembled at his touch and pulled back slightly. Disappointment clouded his eyes. Any doubt soon vanished as she stroked his cheek with the back of her hand. “No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make myself stop loving you, Ben.”

  He pulled her into a snug embrace. “What will you tell Thornton?”

  A contented sigh escaped her lips. “That I can’t marry him because I’m in love with you.”

  He raised her hand to his mouth. A sultry grin claimed his lips as he kissed her open palm.

  Her breath stilled as a trail of tiny kisses showered her forehead, her temple, her cheek. One strong hand in the small of her back held her tight against him while the other tenderly caressed her face. She rested her cheek in his palm, savoring his touch.

  He angled closer. “Ruthie.”

  His warm breath fluttered against her skin dispatching fiery vibrations to every quarter. Pulse skittering, her eyes flickered closed, anticipating the reunion of their lips.

  “I can’t imagine my life without you. Marry me. Let me cherish you for the rest of my life.”

  25

  Ruth Ann’s eyes whisked open. She’d expected a kiss, not a marriage proposal. They’d reconciled only moments ago and now Ben sent her hurling off a precipice into the great unknown. She massaged her temple. What was she to say? Joy, fear, and desperation tangled her heart and head together like a ball of Myra’s knitting yarn. Heart throbbing in her chest, she desperately weighed Benjamin’s declarations. Were they enough to bind herself to him for the remainder of their lives?

  “Ben I’m not—”

  Calloused fingers pressed against her lips, silencing her protests. “I’m sure this seems very sudden, but I’ve wanted you to be my bride for a long time.”

  She shook her head. “But, I—”

  “Shhh. Don’t answer me now. Take a few days to think and pray about your decision.”

  She forced a short breath from her lips and nodded.

  “Good. I’ll come by for you on Tuesday. We can have a picnic at the stream and you can tell me your answer then.”

  ~*~

  Ruth Ann leaned back on her hands and twirled her feet in the cool water of the creek. Three days had passed since Benjamin proposed, and she still didn’t know how to answer him. She didn’t doubt their love for one another, but was his change of heart real or would the first woman with a trim figure and a pretty smile lure him away? Would he regret his choice? That would be too much to bear. She needed to find a way to renew their courtship but postpone any engagement until he’d proven himself. After all he’d put her through, he’d understand she needed more time.

  Or would he?

  Maybe even a postponement would sting of enough
rejection to chase him away. Injuring a man’s pride was dangerous territory. Sighing, she picked up a pebble and tossed it into the creek. The ripples spread across the stream. Her thoughts pondered the verse in Joel that Charlotte had shared during those dark days when she’d first learned why Benjamin had really ended their courtship. And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten.

  She glanced heavenward. “Is that what You’re doing between Ben and me, Lord? Are You restoring all that the locust have eaten? I love him, and I believe he loves me, but I’m afraid. Give me the words, Lord, so he’ll understand I need to wait—just a bit longer.”

  Her gaze rested on the stream where mating dragonflies skimmed the water’s surface. How would she tell him? What words would he—

  This is your husband.

  A cool prickle raced from her shoulders to her ankles.

  This is your husband.

  She glanced behind her. No one was there. The gentle, loving voice had been so clear, so vivid—like the dreadful evening she’d clutched the laudanum.

  Benjamin is your husband.

  What? No. She’d asked for God’s guidance, but this wasn’t the answer she’d prayed for. Her stomach roiled. Short, desperate breaths blew through her parted lips. She wanted to wait until Benjamin had proven himself. Tilting her head back, her fingers clutched the fabric of her bodice.

  “I can’t. I’m not ready, Lord. I need to see proof that he’s changed before I—”

  Benjamin is My best for you.

  Crying, she cradled her face in her hands. “Please! I beg you, Father. Don’t ask this of me.”

  I will not leave you or forsake you when you follow after Me. I love you, child, as I love, Benjamin. He is the one I have chosen for you.

  God had chosen Ben? For her? Her breathing relaxed to a steady rhythmic pace. A divine serenity washed over her just as the cool current of the stream flapped against her bare feet, easing the tightness gripping her chest.

  “I’m afraid, Lord. Please give me the courage to go where You lead.”

  Horse hooves clomped in the meadow behind her. She retrieved the handkerchief from her sleeve and dried her tears. What a sight she must be. Puffy, swollen eyes and a red nose would most likely greet Benjamin. She straightened her shoulders. God would give her the words—and the courage to speak them.