A Love Restored

by Goshorn, Kelly;

Mama studied her. “Benjamin came by to visit today.”

  Ruth Ann pressed a hand against her middle. Why did the mere mention of that man’s name cause fluttering in her stomach? “I trust you sent him away.”

  Mama shook her head. “He was hoping to see you, of course. When he learned you had gone to Brook Lawn, he spoke with the family.”

  She snapped her attention toward her mother. “The family? W-what did he say?”

  “He apologized to us for his treatment of you and asked our forgiveness then professed to a major change of heart where you are concerned.”

  Ruth Ann’s gaze drifted to her lap. Her fingers traced the thin yellow stripe of her evening dress. “You don’t believe him, do you?”

  “I do. Benjamin seemed very sincere. He had many complimentary things to say about you and—” Mama’s voice cracked. “He reminded me of what a special young woman you are.”

  Lips parted, she peered up at her mother’s face.

  “I’ve never been very comfortable expressing my feelings, Ruth.” Mama hesitated and reached for her daughter’s hand. “But I want you to know that there are many qualities I admire about you. You have an inner beauty and quiet strength that draws people to you. You are kind, smart, and of strong character. Every one of our acquaintance tells me how affable you are.”

  Ruth Ann’s breath hitched. She yearned to believe her mother’s words, but they didn’t fit the narrative of her life.

  Moisture pooled at the rim of Mama’s eyes. “You have reason to doubt what I say?”

  She tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. “Sometimes, Mama, when you look at me, I think all you see are my—” Lowering her gaze she whispered, “My imperfections. For a very long time, that is all I saw as well.”

  “I am sorry, Ruth Ann.”

  Ruth Ann? She lifted her head. Her mother hadn’t addressed her that way since childhood.

  A single tear traveled Mama’s cheek. “I have been too harsh on you in the past. I placed entirely too much emphasis on your outward appearance and not enough on your character. We all have our weaknesses, Ruth Ann. I am profoundly sorry for exaggerating yours.”

  She rested her head on her mother’s shoulder.

  “I’ve made quite a mess of things. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

  Ruth Ann clutched her mother close. “Of course, Mama. I love you.”

  Mama pulled her close again, caressing her back. She rested her cheek atop Ruth Ann’s head. “Now, about this marriage offer…”

  ~*~

  A light breeze fluttered the yellow toile curtains at the Sutton’s kitchen window. Mumbling to herself as she wrote, the steel nib of Ruth Ann’s pen glided effortlessly across the paper tablet barely able to keep pace with the flourish of ideas churning in her head.

  “Three-week lending period. No fees unless more than five days late. No more than two books lent to any one patron during a single lending period.”

  “Have you seen my pipe and tobacco box, Ruth Ann?”

  Pen in hand, Ruth Ann pointed to the counter nearest the icebox. She dipped the nib in the inkbottle and returned to her list-making with nary a glance in Joseph’s direction.

  “Thank you.” Joseph peered over her shoulder. “If I’d put things away where they belong, as I tell Chloe on a daily basis, perhaps I could find them when I need them.”

  Lost in her own thoughts, Ruth Ann continued penning and mumbling. “Negroes must be allowed access to the library.”

  She paused, pen to cheek. James would never allow it. Sighing, she scratched a line through her last entry. Tapping the wooden shaft of her pen against her jaw, she continued pondering how to make the lending library accessible to all of Catoctin Creek’s residents.

  The pen descended on the paper, etching her idea in ink. “Discuss lending library for Francis Jackson Negro School before resigning from Colored Man’s Aid Society.”

  Joseph struck a match across the strike plate on the stove and lowered it to the bowl of his pipe. Soon the kitchen smelled of cherry and vanilla as his rich Virginia Cavendish floated in the air. “What has you so engrossed, Ruth Ann?”

  “I’m making a list of all my ideas for the library foundation.” She hastily scribbled another idea on her list.

  “Mmm. Then you’ve decided to accept James’ proposal?”

  Ruth Ann froze, nib to paper. “Yes. I have.” She swallowed the lump in her throat, eyes fixed to her list. “I will tell him tomorrow.”

  Joseph pointed to the empty seat beside her at the table. “May I?”

  “Of course. You needn’t ask.”

  Joseph straddled the chair beside her. “And what of your feelings for Benjamin?”

  Squaring her shoulders, she met Joseph’s gaze. “That’s irrelevant. After what he’s done, how can I ever trust him again?”

  He clenched the stem of his pipe between his teeth. “Your sister and I found our way back to each other after our courtship ended. We learned to trust again. You and Benjamin can as well.”

  She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I love you, Joseph. You know that, but I’m not as gentle spirited as Sarah. I don’t know how she learned to trust you again.”

  He lowered the pipe from his mouth. “It wasn’t Sarah that needed to learn to trust again—it was me.”

  Ruth Ann stared, mouth agape. “I—I just assumed it was you who had ended the relationship. I was barely fourteen. Sarah didn’t confide in me then.” She shook her head as she struggled to reconcile Joseph’s words with her memories. “But I remember her tears and malaise. She barely ate for months.”

  Joseph removed the pen from her hand and rested it in the ink bottle. “Yes, all of that is true, but only many months later. Perhaps you should ask Sarah about this.”

  “I’d rather hear about it from you.”

  Joseph hesitated, brow wrinkled. “All right, but only because I think it may help where Benjamin is concerned.”

  Ruth Ann rolled her eyes. “What does Benjamin have to do with anything? I know Sarah didn’t cast you aside because your appearance was lacking.” She grinned. “You are one of the handsomest men I’ve ever seen—even with the whiskers. And you know I’m not inclined toward a man with a beard.”

  Joseph’s neck sported a nice shade of crimson as his discomfiture spread upward from his neck. “Thank you. I suppose I should be accustomed to your frankness by now, but sometimes, you still surprise me.”

  She smiled. “Good. Stop stalling and tell me what you did to my sister to make her end the courtship.”

  The gleam in Joseph’s eyes disappeared, replaced by a thoughtful stare. “I wasn’t born first.”

  “Sarah broke the courtship because you won’t inherit Oak Hill?”

  Joseph nodded.

  She slouched against the back of her chair. “I can’t believe it. That doesn’t sound like Sarah.”

  “Not only that, she began receiving calls from my older brother, Richard.”

  “Why would she do such a thing?”

  Joseph raised a brow. “Why has your mother encouraged a match between you and James?”

  Ruth Ann swiftly raised her hand in a failed effort to prevent a gasp from escaping her lips. “To secure a wealthy, well-connected husband.”

  Joseph sighed. “I could’ve stayed at the farm and lavished Sarah with my family’s money, but I had a dream to own my own business. I had requested and received a chunk of my inheritance to open my liveries. However, your mother felt I was untested—too much of a risk.”

  A stiff breeze swooshed through the open window, swaying the curtains. The pages of Ruth Ann’s tablet flipped well past the point of her meticulous list. She moved to the window and lowered the sash.

  “That doesn’t make any sense. Mama depends on you, and Sarah—she adores you.”

  A smile crossed Joseph’s whiskered face. “And I her, but the sweet peacemaker we both know and love is void of your tenacity and determination, Ruth Ann. Sarah is compliant. Sometimes t
o her own detriment. She bowed to your mother’s wishes where I was concerned.”

  “What did you think when she told you she wanted to step out with Richard?”

  “Ah, that part she didn’t tell me at first. Initially, she tried to convince me that we weren’t well suited for one another. A few weeks later, Richard told me he intended to court Sarah and that she was amenable to the idea.” Joseph raised the pipe to his lips and took another puff, his mind seeming to drift away before releasing the smoke from his mouth. “When I confronted her, she didn’t deny it. She said simply that despite her love for me, she could not stand to disappoint your mother.”

  Ruth Ann leaned against the dry sink, eyes trained on Joseph, struggling to accept this version of events so foreign to her.

  “I begged her several times to reconsider, but after discovering that she had chosen Richard, not for love but for his inheritance, I was devastated.” Joseph’s voice cracked as he fought to contain his emotions. “The thought of my brother, whom I idolized, with Sarah, nearly drove me insane. I had not only lost my best friend in my brother, but the love of my life as well.” Joseph shuddered. “I bought my first livery, in Middleburg. I bunked there and refused to speak to either Richard or Sarah for months.”

  “What changed?”

  Joseph’s eyes softened as he reached for Ruth Ann’s hand.

  Placing her hand inside his, she returned to her seat.

  “Your father passed, and I came to pay my respects. It had been six months since we’d spoken, and Sarah was surprised to see me. Richard, on the other hand, had sent a telegram with his condolences. He told her it was foaling season, but if she sent word of the arrangements, he would do his best to come to the funeral.”

  Her voice strained. “He was courting Sarah, and he would ‘do his best to come’?”

  Joseph nodded. “If you recall, Richard and my parents did attend the funeral, but his first love has always been the horses—a lesson Sarah learned quite painfully. They departed the next day, leaving Sarah with all your father’s affairs to manage. She pleaded with Richard to stay and assist her, but he refused, saying he had a business to run and suggested your mother hire an attorney to handle your father’s estate.”

  Removing the pipe from his lips, Joseph leaned it against the tobacco box. “I saw her distress, and I couldn’t abandon her as Richard had, though it pained me to stay and not be able to console her grief as I would have liked.” Joseph rubbed his whiskers as he continued. “I sent word to my foreman that I wouldn’t be returning for at least two weeks and took a room at the Peterson’s. Fortunately, your father was an organized man. In just a few hours alone in his study I found his will, bank documents, and investment papers. A few days later, your mother and I traveled to Leesburg to settle all of his accounts and file his will with the court.”

  She’d always known Joseph to be an honorable man, but this—taking care of their father’s affairs when Sarah had rejected him. Her esteem for her brother-in-law grew tenfold. Her voice wavered. “H-How did you reconcile?”

  “We didn’t for several more months, but Sarah ended her courtship with Richard immediately after I returned to Middleburg. This is when the malaise you mentioned earlier initiated. Although I loved her deeply, my heart was not yet ready to trust her. Sarah took to her bed and wouldn’t eat or receive company.”

  “I remember. We were so worried about her, and on the heels of Papa’s death, it was more than Mama could bear.”

  “Your mother came to see me in Middleburg. She informed me of Sarah’s condition and begged me to visit her. My willingness to place my fledgling business on hold to assist your family in their time of need convinced your mother of my honorable character and love for your sister. She apologized for judging me solely by my bank account and asked me to forgive Sarah for complying with her wishes.”

  “But how did you trust her, Joseph? What made you believe that Sarah loved you?”

  Joseph placed his free hand on top of Ruth Ann’s. “I just knew in my heart that she had always loved me in spite of her misguided actions.” He paused. “Your father and I are not the only honorable men in your life, Ruth Ann. I can think of at least one other. One who risked his life for you, with no expectation of ever receiving your love or trust again.”

  Moisture pooled in the corner of her eyes.

  “The same one who missed his certification exam recuperating from his injuries.”

  She sucked in a breath. Images of Benjamin weak and bed-ridden invaded her thoughts. “I-I had no idea. He never told me.”

  “Why would he? He has no regrets sacrificing on your behalf. He loves you.”

  “But how can I be sure he will never tire of my appearance again?”

  “You can’t. There are no guarantees. Love is a leap of faith.”

  The kitchen door swung open. “I see you found your pipe.” Sarah’s mouth tilted upward in a playful smile. “I thought you had gone to awaken Malachi to purchase a new one.”

  Joseph looped his arm around his wife’s waist and pulled her close. “Ruth Ann and I have been talking.” He tapped the tip of Sarah’s nose with his finger. “You never told her that you broke my heart all those years ago. She assumed I had done the dirty deed.”

  Sarah brushed the back of her hand along Joseph’s whiskered jaw. “I thank God every day you had the courage to trust me again. I would be lost without you.”

  Joseph pulled Sarah’s hand forward and lovingly kissed her fingers.

  Ruth Ann doubted she would ever know the type of love Joseph displayed so tenderly for Sarah. Her thoughts roamed to the conversation with James in the gazebo last autumn. Perhaps, in time, we will have a deep abiding affection and concern for one another. She sighed. It may not be all that her heart desired, but at least he couldn’t shatter it to pieces as Benjamin had.

  Sarah leaned forward and kissed the top of her husband’s head before addressing her sister. “Benjamin came to visit today while you were at Brook Lawn.”

  She pressed a hand to her stomach hoping to quell the unwelcome churning of emotions. “I heard. Mama told me.”

  “He apologized for the way he treated you.” Sarah placed a hand on her sister’s shoulder. “Joseph and I believe he is contrite and that he has changed.”

  Deep down, Ruth Ann knew it, too. She had sensed it when they talked about the Colored Man’s Aid Society, and she saw it in his jealousy over James. Having given him no reason to think she would consider him again, he’d come back repeatedly seeking to make amends. She shook her head. Stay strong so he doesn’t break your heart again.

  Sarah tucked a stray curl behind her sister’s ear. “He still loves you, and he’s determined to win you back.”

  “Too little, too late. Tomorrow, I will accept James’ proposal.” She gathered her writing supplies and whisked past Sarah and Joseph. “Good night.”

  “Ruth Ann,” Joseph called just as her hand pushed open the swinging door.

  She paused but refused to face him.

  “Accepting James doesn’t guarantee your life will be free from heartache. The only assurance you have is that James doesn’t love you. I’m sure he will be a kind husband to you, or I wouldn’t allow the union.” His strong hand gripped her shoulder, coaxing her to face him. “A loveless marriage will bring its own type of heartache to be sure. If that is all you desire from your marriage, then you should be well pleased.”

  He pulled her into a brotherly embrace. “If you desire to be loved deeply, then Sarah and I urge you to open your heart to Benjamin and trust him again.” His gaze wandered to Sarah. “I have no regrets that I chose to take a leap of faith.”

  Taking a leap of faith sounded simple enough.

  Then again, one misstep on the side of a steep cliff could send her hurling to her death.

  ~*~

  Moonlight streamed through Ruth Ann’s bedroom window, casting shadows on the wall. The chant of a distant whip-poor-will coupled with the sweet scent of peonies floated
on the breeze. She flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling, her arm draped across her forehead. James expected an answer tomorrow. He’d been so attentive at supper and interested in all her ideas for the library foundation. She glanced at the roses on the bureau. A faint smile passed her lips. He was trying hard to win her hand. Life as Mrs. James Robert Thornton wouldn’t be so bad.

  She rolled onto her side and allowed her eyelids to drift shut. Disturbing thoughts of their kiss on the swing derailed her slumber. Unwittingly, her hand swiped her lips. She shuddered. Surely, that would improve with time. Her eyes sprung open.

  What if it didn’t?

  She sat up and pulled her knees close. Could she lie in his bed? Conceive his children? There’d be no denying him if they married—and she did want children. How bad could it be? Women had endured their marital obligations for centuries. Besides, if he resided in Richmond six to nine months out of the year, the frequency of her wifely duties would be severely diminished. It would be fine. She nestled into her pillow and forced herself to concentrate on more pleasant thoughts—like the library foundation.

  Titles by Dickens, Austen, Emerson, and Verne tallied in her thoughts. Without warning or invitation, Benjamin’s amber eyes infiltrated her list making. She flung herself over, once again staring at the ceiling. He’d been genuinely concerned when he learned of Buddy’s passing. Unlike James, Ben had cared for her dog and had supported her involvement with the Freedmen’s School. Alone in the dark she chuckled at how flustered he was when he found her on the porch with James. Served him right.

  But that kiss! She shoved one leg from underneath the blanket and fanned herself with Pride and Prejudice. There was no denying that man could spark heat in every inch of her body. His contrition did appear genuine. Even Mama thought so. She sighed. Should she put James off a bit longer and try opening her heart to Benjamin again as Sarah and Joseph encouraged?

  Images of the petite Rose Martin on Benjamin’s arm taunted her. The leather straps supporting her bedding groaned as she flipped onto her stomach. She punched her pillow. Insufferable man.

  Ping.

  Ruth Ann glanced toward the window.