Courage to follow your heart

by Christina Aas

  “Well, of course. It’s kinda obvious, at least when you’re around him.” Liz smiled gently at Katie and gave her shoulder a friendly tug. Katie blushed and looked down at her feet. “Oh no, does everyone know now?” Liz stroked her hand down her shoulder and arm. “No, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t worry about it.” Katie looked up at her with tears in her eyes. “But what should I do? He’s so angry with me. I think he actually hates me.” She sobbed and Liz grasped her into a tight hug. “I would talk to him. The best thing to do is just tell him the truth. Be honest and tell him how you feel. Honesty always lasts the longest.”

  The two of them heard a shouting from higher up the trail. “You girls coming, or not?” Erik yelled down at them and waved. “We’re going to stop for lunch soon. I guess you’re also hungry? You need to hurry on up here then, otherwise the food’ll be gone”. Erik laughed jokingly out loud and turned around to continue up the trail to the rest of the hiking group. Katie and Liz picked up the pace and followed him. “Thanks for the talk. I really appreciate it” Katie smiled over at Liz. “Of course, any time, okay?” Liz peered back in consolation.

  One of the Spanish girls had prepared a feast for lunch and everyone were digging in, starved from the many hours out in fresh air. Liz sat curled up against the side of a rock, enjoying the chorizo cheese sandwich someone had handed to her. It really felt good to be outside. Nature is truly healing. It feels like all the sadness is lifted off my shoulders the longer I stay out here in this incredibly clean air. This was just what I needed today! Liz was still stuck in her own thoughts when she heard a crack from a branch next to her, and a shadow stepped up. She carefully lifted her head to peer in the direction of the sound. Hunter stood next to her, with her hands folded in front of her and a remorseful expression in her face. “Can I join you perhaps?” Hunter pointed to the empty spot next to Liz behind the rock. Liz simply nodded and shrugged her shoulders. “Sure.” Hunter supported her hands on her thighs and bent down to squat next to Liz. “I just wanted to talk to you about yesterday. You know, I kinda had a lot to drink. And I shouldn’t have taken it out on you like that.” Hunter looked over at Liz with embarrassment. “I know you can’t control your feelings, and I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I just really like you, is all. But that’s my problem to deal with it, not yours.” Hunter’s apology was evident in her eyes. “I just wanted to tell you that I fully understand, and I won’t bother you like that anymore, okay?” Hunter was about to stand up again when Liz put her hand on her knee. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to hurt you yesterday. But I hope we can still be friends?” Liz looked quizzically at Hunter. Hunter nodded while she continued to stand up. “Just give me a little bit of time and I’ll be ready. I do want to be your friend, you know. I like you, you’re a cool person. And there aren’t enough of those in the world, my parents always taught me to take care of those I found.” Hunter smiled regretfully down at Liz. “Just a little bit of time first.” She turned away as her voice trailed off, and Liz understood Hunter was dealing as best she could.

  Katie found Bryan leaning against a tree while he stood admiring the mountainous view ahead. She stepped slowly in his direction, careful not to scare him off. But a branch gave her away and Bryan turned abruptly in her direction, anger flashing in his eyes. “What do you want? Haven’t you hurt me enough already?” Bryan was about to step away when Katie grabbed his shoulder and held him back. “Please, just hear me out. Then I promise I’ll go away and leave you alone. Please.” Katie looked pleadingly at Bryan and his anger softened slightly. He turned back toward her. “Two minutes.” She nodded gratefully. “I didn’t plan for this. I was only going to focus on my studies and career this summer. But then you showed up. And I couldn’t control my heart. I fell for you, despite my best efforts not to. And now I’m struggling with what to do. I still have my commitment back home, the promises I’ve made. But my heart is confused, it’s aching for you when it knows it shouldn’t. And I can’t control it.” Katie started crying and Bryan’s anger dissipated away. He grasped her and pulled her in toward him in a gentle embrace. “I know. It’s not always something we control, is it? But you know you have to decide, right? You can’t have us both. And I won’t wait forever.” He leaned her back a bit so she could look him into his eyes. He saw understanding and sadness in her eyes. He pulled her back in and gave her a long hug. “I’m sorry you’re hurting. And I’m sorry I’m one of the causes.”

  Bryan stopped stroking her back and leaned back to look straight at her. “But I’m not sorry I’ve fallen for you. You’re incredibly beautiful, with a bold heart and magnificent character. I’ve always looked for someone like you. Someone I could call my equal, my partner. Someone who would challenge me in life, make me a better person. I’m not sorry I found you, not at all. But I am sorry that you’re taken.” He stepped out of the embrace and whispered. “I just hope you pick me.” He looked at her one last time, and just as she was about to respond he turned on his heel and walked away.

  Chapter 14

  Kris slowly buttoned up the black silk shirt she had decided was most suitable for the occasion. Her black trousers gave the attire the appropriate look, if there ever was such a thing as an appropriate look for seeing your mother to her grave. While Kris patted down her outfit she stared mindlessly out the window of her loft bedroom at the open yard in front of the house. Some of their family members, distant uncles and aunts of her mother, had begun to arrive she noted. Behind her a dark, bass voice asked gently, “Ready?”.

  Kris twirled around and looked into an equally empty pair of sad eyes as she replied to her brother Dean, “as ready as I’ll ever be”. Her stomach was in knots and she felt nauseous and sick. I just have to push through this and then it’ll be over. Dean wore a matching ensemble of black shirt and trousers and together they linked hands as they supported each other down the staircase of the old house. “Where will you go after this, will you go back to Toronto again?” Kris asked Dean when they slowly made their way down to the chaos of family members and expectations. “No, I’ll probably stay behind a few weeks and sort through some of her stuff here. I don’t have such a strict timeline as you have, so I can afford a few weeks off.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t mind actually. I guess it will be an appropriate way to say my goodbyes to her in peace and quiet.” Kris tilted her head up at him and shot him a sorry glance as she realized she was bailing on him during their toughest days. She gently squeezed his hand while they continued down the last steps and were greeted by their mother’s uncle.

  As soon as the group had said their helloes, everyone walked out to the set of cars that would lead them to the church and the ceremony that awaited. The cars drove slowly after each other, following in close formation along the road. Kris stared out the window and said nothing while the family members chatted nervously in the front seat. She just wanted this day to be over with. She longed to get away from here, from all the sorrow and pain, and just return to California where she could try to find her belonging in this disconcerting world.

  As soon as the chain of cars pulled up in front of the church Kris saw her standing there, looking into the cars searching for her. She was dressed in a black dress and looked actually a bit nervous, not quite her style but rather a welcome change. Kris stepped out of the car and straightened her back with a groan while she tried to stretch away all the pain and stiffness that resided in her body. Kris noticed she had been discovered and saw the figure walk straight toward her.

  “Hi honey”, Carrie said while she cupped Kris’ chin and stroked down her jaw with her thumb. “How are you holding up?” she stared deeply into Kris’ eyes and Kris felt trapped against the car, felt her chest tighten and her stomach churn. She needed to get away, but she was not sure how to best do it, to avoid making a scene in front of her whole family. Suddenly she felt an arm embrace her from behind and tug her away. “Come sis, we need to be up front in the church. We have to talk to the priest about a couple of thing
s. Hi Carrie. Sorry to drag her away, but I guess you can understand.” Carrie stared after them, a helpless look in her eyes while she frustratingly clenched her fists and turned away on her heel. “Thank you so much” Kris whispered while Dean continued to lead her away and toward the back entrance of the church. But instead of finding a priest there as she expected, she only found the two of them alone. A welcome change at this point, having been surrounded continuously by distant relatives all morning.

  Dean seemed to sense this as he stated, “just found us some peace and quiet before it all starts, thought you could also maybe need it” he cast her a sideways emphatic glance before he dug his hand into his pocket and searched for something. In the other hand he had found a lighter and Kris quickly realized what he had in mind. She nudged him gently, “you’re the perfect brother you know?”, as she saw him roll up the joint and bring it to his lips to light up. “This is exactly what I needed before we do this thing.” He drew in a deep breath while he brought the joint to life before he passed it over to Kris who took an equally deep breath of the hazy smoke and let it filter through her lungs feeling her muscles slowly begin to relax and her mind crawl out of its dark cage. They just stood in silence and continued to smoke and let their minds wander each their routes of solace. Once in a while they looked at each other, appreciation in their eyes, grateful for having each other and grateful for being able to understand what the other felt and needed. Somehow things became more manageable; at least they were together through it all. They were their own family now, and that would never change.

  Finally Kris felt as ready as she knew she would ever be, and after Dean put out the joint against the iron railing of the stairs, they linked arms and walked around the corner to the front entrance and into the crowd gathered for their final goodbyes.

  Chapter 15

  The sky cleared up as soon as they left Canadian airspace and Kris welcomed the light blue background in her view when she looked down on US soil again. She leaned her head against the thick plastic window and closed her eyes. Her body was exhausted, her mind heavy and she longed for being back at camp, being surrounded by people following their dreams with passion, surrounded by inspiration and positive mindsets. As she tried to drift off to sleep her mind caught up with all the events of the last days back home.

  The funeral had been the toughest thing she had ever had to experience, and if her brother had not been there she would not have made it through it all. Afterward the family had gone back to their house, but Kris had felt as if she was suffocating. Luckily her brother had picked up on this and as if on cue he had taken a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet and locked them both upstairs in his room. While they sat on the floor listening to Metallica and sipping the liquid consolation, she had several times heard knocking on the door from anxious family members. They had dismissed it every time and finally it seemed everyone had given up on them, leaving them to their own grief. Until one final knock sounded through and she knew instinctively who it came from.

  Kris had slowly walked up to the door, slightly faltering in her step as the alcohol seemed to have caught up its effect on her. She had unlocked the door and opened it to reveal Carrie standing outside with her hands folded across her chest and a pensive, strict look on her face. “Here you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you, you know.” She had said with irritation in her voice. Kris had just shrugged her shoulders, “this is where we are yes. Was it something you wanted?”, her flat tone of voice had been cutting through like a sharp knife. Carrie had gasped slightly when she picked up on it and a flare of anger had passed through her eyes, Kris noted. “So this is the way it’s gonna be huh? After all these years?” Carrie’s voice trembled with anger while her eyes watered slightly. She looked deep into Kris’ eyes, trying to find any kind of comfort or recognition, but she found only emptiness and hardness. Kris had stared straight ahead at her as she had taken another sip of the whiskey bottle. Carrie had looked at her a while longer as if to eliminate all hope before she had slowly turned around. “Goodbye” was the last whispered word Kris had heard when she watched Carrie walk away.

  Kris had slowly closed the door and released a deep breath, letting her stress and tension leave her lungs. She had looked at her brother who gazed up at her with a raised eyebrow. “What was that all about?” “I broke up with her last week, and she wasn’t really in agreement with that decision I guess. But now it seems she finally understands that it’s the end of it.” Kris had sat down again and passed the bottle over to her waiting brother while he had grabbed her shoulder and squeezed it. They had hunkered down against each other and stared out into the room, letting time slowly begin to heal their wounds.

  The stewardess poked gently at Kris. Kris turned fiercely toward her, hissing “What?!”. The stewardess stepped frightened away while she stuttered “We’re… We’re landing. You need to put your seat belt on and put your seat in an upright position again.”

  “Ah, okay”, Kris shot her an apologetic look and smiled crookedly, “fell asleep there”. The stewardess just huffed before she turned and walked away. “Typical” Kris thought to herself before she sat up and prepared herself for arriving back in California.

  The sun blinded her when she stepped out of the airport lounge into the warm moist air. Even in the uncomfortable heat, Kris felt her body welcoming the change of weather and change of scenery with every cell she had. Her chest still ached with the deep pain she suspected would now be her new life partner. But it would be good for her to focus on her studies again and the participation in the summer program could be a way to get through the next couple of weeks in one piece, she thought while walking over to the taxi stand. I just have to start putting one foot in front of the other.

  The drive went by quickly as Kris stared out the window and let the view pass by in its swift tempo. Her mind was numbingly blank, she was still trying to process the past week of haunted sorrow. Finally they approached the security gate and the driver had to let her off since he was not cleared for passing through. Kris showed her badge and passport to the guards and grabbed her duffel bag before flinging it over her shoulder and starting walking into campus, hoping for an escape, escape from the hurt and pain and sorrow. As she walked down the road passing the green grassy fields she noted it was Sunday afternoon and all the students had free time. Most of them were probably off site doing some kind of sightseeing activity. Good, I could use some peace and quiet while I get back into my rhythm here.

  She saw a group play ball on one of the fields as she continued walking past and toward their apartment building. Kris wondered where the rest were, one person in particular, but quickly discarded the thought. Just get yourself settled in for now. A couple of students nodded a greeting to her when they walked past with their sunbathing equipment. Kris couldn’t help but look up at the clear blue sky and feel her heart embrace the warmth surrounding her.

  After a quick stop in her room to shrug off her bag and change out of her travel outfit, she put on her black swim shorts and a white t-shirt and stepped out into the bright sun again. A quick swim will be just what I need now, she thought to herself while she walked toward the pool located at the far end of the campus. She hoped she would be alone, since she wasn’t really up for greeting people quite yet. When she stepped through the gates toward the pool area she noted with satisfaction that there seemed to be no one else there. She put her stuff down on one of the sun beds and tugged off her t-shirt. Just as she was about to step up to the pool her eye caught something in the far side of her view. Her breath halted and her heart skipped a beat when she slowly tilted her head and stared ahead at the most beautiful view she had ever seen. Out of the pool stepped a gorgeous creature, long slim and tanned legs walking up the stairs with water dripping off her delicious body. The girl flipped back her wet hair and shook her head before she abruptly stopped in her step, sensing someone else being around. She slowly turned and looked straight at Kris.

  Liz’ heart
jumped at the sight before her. Kris stood there in a black surfer shorts and a black bikini, looking simply incredible and staring straight at her while she unconsciously moist her lips. Liz didn’t know where to put herself, so she just stood frozen in her path looking into Kris’ eyes, seeing a range of emotions pass through them; attraction, hope, tiredness and grief. She felt Kris’ pain even from a distance and decided to take a chance as she slowly moved her legs again and started walking around the edge of the pool toward Kris standing in the sun.

  “Hey you” Liz murmured, smiling gently at Kris. Liz stood just outside her reach, probing her soul carefully with her stare. “How are you holding up?” she tilted her head slightly and kept looking into Kris’ eyes, losing herself in their beautiful green depths. “I didn’t think you’d be able to get back here, at least not so soon.”

  “Yeah, well, I just had to get away from there. It wasn’t the easiest week of my life…” Kris looked tired and for a brief instant Liz caught sight of an incredible sadness passing through her eyes.

  “I cannot even imagine what you’ve been through this past week. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss” Liz looked down, embarrassed at her shallow attempt at comfort, but felt fingers gently curl into her own and opened her eyes to look at two hands intertwined. She felt another hand lift her chin slowly up and was welcomed back into Kris’ eyes as they swam with emotions tearing up from deep wells of green. “If it hadn’t been for you I would’ve never gotten through this past week” Kris held tightly on to Liz’ hand, “I need you to believe that” she stated intently while she kept her gaze and looked straight into Liz’ eyes. Liz hesitated, not sure if she should bring up her insecurities about Carrie being at Kris’ room the night before they had left. She felt Kris had enough on her plate and didn’t want to burden her with her own emotions. She blinked fiercely and swallowed hard, trying to shove her thoughts back. Kris stroked her thumb gently back and forth across her hand, staring deeply into her eyes with a questioning look. “Where did your thoughts go?” she murmured softly and Liz was inspired by her warmth and openness. “I was just unsure about where I fit in and how I should act, now that Carry is back in your life.”