Finding the Green Room (The Sutter Family Book 3)

by Heather D'Agostino

  “I know.” He sighed as he shook his head. “I was young, and hurt, and stupid. I was a stupid kid who was jealous that his girlfriend got something first. I wanted what you had, and I knew that I could hurt you. I’ve been regretting that day for years now, I just didn’t realize how much until last week.”

  “When did you realize it? When you saw me? When you paraded Brinley around in front of me? How about when you created a fake relationship with her? Was it then Ryan, because you could’ve fooled me.” Those last few words hit their mark and I watched him recoil. He huffed out a breath before standing up and striding around the table. He gripped the chair I was sitting in and spun me towards him. Shocked, that was all I could feel. Ryan had always been a little pushy when we were younger, but I’d never seen this side. I knew the Sutter men had a reputation, but Ryan never seemed to fit into it… until now.

  “Stand up!” he growled before reaching for my hand.

  I slowly pushed up out of my chair, smoothing my dress in the process. Ryan’s eyes dipped down to follow my movement and he hissed when my palm caught the fabric, making it rise up my thighs slightly. “What?” I narrowed my eyes. He wanted to play like this? I could do it too.

  I watched him take a few deep breaths before his eyes met mine. “The day you told me about all this, I started missing you. Before you even walked away, I knew that I’d lost. I knew at sixteen, we could never make living on opposite coasts work. I did the only thing I could think of… I made you hate me. You hating me was easier than missing you. I knew if there was enough anger there, you’d concentrate on your dream. You’d leave me behind. I didn’t want you to, but I couldn’t be the one to tell you not to go. I’ve regretted what I did since then, but you see… I never thought you’d come back. I assumed I’d be in Wilmington doing who knows what for the rest of my life. My plans for the future didn’t include you because yours didn’t include me.” Each word that fell from his lips caused his feet to move closer and my heart to crack a little more. I wanted to believe him but I just couldn’t get the image of Brinley wrapped around him out of my head.

  “Why her?” I murmured as my eyes started to fill. I sniffed back the tears. I would not cry in front of him. Ryan had gotten enough of my tears over the years, he wasn’t getting more.

  “Like I said… I was stupid.” He shrugged.

  “Not good enough, Ry.” I tipped my head to the side. “You telling me you’re sorry doesn’t make everything you did ok.”

  “I don’t expect it to. I’m not trying to wipe the slate clean, I’m merely asking for a new one. I want to start over. I want a chance to show you this version of me; the man, not the boy you knew. I wanna know the woman you’ve become. I wanna learn what makes you tick, who your friends are, what makes you blush. Do the same things turn you on?” He reached out and caressed my cheek with his knuckles. “We made a great team all those years ago. I think we could do even better now. I just want a chance,” he whispered as he leaned in.

  Our foreheads touched and I sighed as my eyes drifted closed. Every part me was coming alive, but conflict bubbled below the surface. What if I made a choice that upset him again, then what? Would he hurt me all over again? Would he run? How was this going to work with the entire country between us? Would he move? “I can’t do this again,” I murmured. “I can’t give in only to have you purposely hurt me. I won’t take that chance.”

  “I just want a chance Jess,” he murmured again. “Just give me a few days to show you I mean what I say. Please?” We stood there forehead to forehead, afraid to move for fear of breaking our connection, but afraid to move forward at the same time. “I have to go home in four days. Give me those four days to prove myself,” he begged.

  I nodded, causing our heads to bob, “Ok.”

  “Do you mean that?” He leaned back and stared at me, his brown eyes boring into my blue.

  “Four days.” I nodded again.

  “I’m gonna kiss you now.” He stepped up, cupped my cheek, and leaned closer. “You can’t give me hope like that and expect me not to, so I’m going to kiss you. If you don’t want me to, well then you’re just going to have to stop me.”

  I didn’t have time to react before he leaned in and sealed his mouth over mine. His other hand came up to cup my other cheek, tilting my head so he could control the kiss. His lips were firm but soft at the same time. His tongue pushed at the seam of my lips, begging me to let him in. I could hear a whooshing sound as blood rushed through my ears, my heart pounded, and every part of me went weak from that kiss. Ryan held me close as his tongue tangled with mine, massaging it, and begging me to surrender further to him. He was right, he wasn’t the boy I left, and he definitely had improved on his kissing skills.

  He pulled back, resting his head against mine as each of us attempted to catch our breath. His voice was a strangled whisper as he panted, causing his breath to fan across my cheeks, “I still love you Jessica Ryland, and I know you still love me, and I’m going to prove that to you in the next four days. You better be ready for me.”

  Chapter 16

  Jessica

  When the predawn light filtered through my curtains, I sighed softly. I didn’t really want to get up that early, but my body was accustomed to it. I was tired from the night before. Ryan and I had stayed up late just talking at his hotel. We’d walked on the beach, and basically caught each other up on everything that had happened to us over the years. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, and it surprised me that he’d been following my career. He told me about school, and his job. I told him about Griff and how things were when I first started out. We talked until we couldn’t stay awake any longer. He offered to let me stay with him, but I knew it wasn’t a good idea. If I stayed, things would change between us and I wasn’t ready for that yet.

  When Ryan brought me home, I could see hope in his expression. I felt it too, but I also felt the uncertainty that sat heavy in my gut. How were four days going to fix us? We’ve spent the better part of our lives together, and we were no better off now than we were at thirteen. When I unlocked my door, but failed to invite him in, I could see the disappointment on his face. It was like we were back at that place where he was always asking me when we’d have sex, and I was denying him every time. With the fragile bond that we had now, I knew that sex would ruin us. We’d never succeed if we added that element so early. I needed to be sure, and I needed Ryan to prove he was in this and I wasn’t just a number to him.

  My phone buzzed as I rolled over, and I squinted my eyes as I attempted to read the text.

  Ryan: The waves are stacked today. Where are you?

  I laughed as I shook my head. I couldn’t believe that he was out this morning with as little sleep as he had to have gotten last night.

  Jess: Give me 5 minutes

  I groaned as I swung my legs off the side of the bed and sat up. My muscles were sore from all my failed attempts at landing the aerial the other day. I shuffled over to my dresser and dug around for a bikini. After slipping it on, I grabbed a rash guard, tied my hair back, and slipped on some flip flops.

  ooooooooo

  The walk to the beach was quick, and when I crossed the dunes I could see why Ryan had come out. The water was perfect, and as the sun peeked over the horizon, the waves were cresting beautifully. There was a bite of chill in the air, but I knew once I got out there, I’d forget about it. Ryan was in the distance bobbing on his board dressed in a red wetsuit. I couldn’t help but laugh when I thought about him complaining the water was cold. I’d swam in it enough that the chill didn’t bother me anymore, but the Pacific was colder than the Atlantic. Usually even the coldest days go unnoticed because the adrenaline keeps me warm. Landing a trick, or just getting a regular practice in is enough.

  I waved as I tossed my towel and water bottle down on the sand. I scooped up my board, and rushed toward the water. Ryan chuckled as I jumped over the shallow waves, making my way out to the breakers. I flopped down, and duck di
ved as I began to paddle out to where he was bobbing around.

  “Took you long enough.” He smirked as I climbed up to mimic his position.

  “I’m tired. Somebody kept me up late last night,” I grumbled under the pretense of being upset with him.

  “Huh,” he mused. “I didn’t think you dated. My bad.” He shrugged.

  I narrowed my eyes on him before turning on my board to face the beach. “I don’t usually, but this guy was persistent.”

  “I’ll have to get some pointers from him then.” He grinned as he tapped my leg with the back of his hand.

  “Won’t do you any good. He’s barking up the wrong tree.” A slow grin formed as I glanced over and saw total shock on Ryan’s face.

  “You into girls now, Jess?” His mouth dropped open as he waited for me to answer. I wasn’t sure at this point how much of this conversation was us messing around, and how much was real to him.

  “Sometimes.” I lifted a shoulder. “They understand me better.”

  “So if I were to bring a date to dinner tonight, you’d be ok with that?” His grin spread even bigger.

  “You can bring whomever you want to dinner tonight, I’m staying in.” I laughed as his grin turned into a frown. “I’ve got plans with someone already.” Right at that moment a beautiful set started to come in. “This is mine.” I pointed as I started to paddle into position. Ryan just sat there for a moment until he realized I was serious, and our banter had ended. As the wave opened up, I took the drop, and rode it all the way to the shallows. When I turned around, Ryan was coming in on the next one.

  We didn’t talk much after that. It was as if he’d given up, and I wondered if I took our teasing too far. As the waves started to simmer down for the day, I trudged up on the beach, and tossed my board on the sand. I’d brought my yellow one, and Ryan stared at it like he couldn’t understand why.

  “You know I was teasing about the girl thing, right?” He pushed the top of his wetsuit down around his waist before he plopped down on the sand beside me.

  “Whatever.” I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to argue, but I was kinda hurt that he seemed to really be into that sort of thing. When we were younger, I always worried that I wasn’t enough. It was a fear that I felt whenever Brinley or some other girl would come sniffing around. Having him voice that fear out loud brought me right back to those times.

  “I mean it Jess. I was teasing.” He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing if back off his forehead. “I thought we were joking around out there.” He pointed at the water before cursing under his breath.

  “We were.” I sighed. “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry.” I pulled my rash guard off and tossed it with my board. The sun was out now, and it felt heavenly sitting there in it.

  “Can we just pretend that none of that,” he wagged his finger, “ever happened and you just got here?” He glanced at me before turning back to the water.

  I sucked in a deep breath as I closed my eyes. I let the sun bathe me in it’s warmth as I tried to let go of what Ryan had said. I didn’t want to spend one of the four days we had left arguing. “Hi.” I smiled as I turned to face him. “I’m glad you could make it today. I thought you’d be tired after last night.”

  “You’re worth it. Sleep is overrated anyway.” He laughed as he slung his arm around my shoulders. “I am sorry if I upset you. I was just joking around.”

  “About what?” I smiled at him.

  “Nothing.” He grinned before pushing up on his feet. “Come with me.” He held his hand out for me.

  “Where are we going?” I laced my fingers with his.

  “It’s a surprise. Grab your board.” His chin tipped in the direction of my abandoned board. I glanced down at my red bikini and the black rash guard in my hand before looking back up at him. “Don’t worry about anything. We’re staying in the water.” He tugged my hand and I fell into step beside him.

  ooooooooo

  We walked down the beach not really talking to one another, but the air was thick with tension. I don’t think he meant for it to be, but Ryan still put me on edge. Just being around him was enough to set my nerves on high alert, and he was acting weird today. Growing up, things had always been relaxed between the two of us. Even when we were going through the awkward moments in our relationship, we still could connect in the water. I don’t know when that changed, and it frightened me.

  “Where are you taking me?” I glanced around as my apartment faded into the distance.

  “Home.” He shrugged as he turned us toward the dunes and pointed to the massive hotel he was staying in. “There’s a nice pool here, and I thought we could be lazy today. Did you need to do anything?” He looked at me questioningly.

  I sighed as I thought about the conversation I’d had with my agent a few days ago. I did have plans tonight, but I wasn’t sure if I should tell Ryan about them or not. What if he flipped out like the last time we talked business?

  “I know that look. What is it?” He stopped us at the bottom of the stairs that led to the pool area.

  “I have an event tonight.” I nibbled my lip. “I can’t get out of it.”

  “Ok.” He smiled as he stepped back and let me pass in front of him. “You can tell me stuff, you know that, right?” He reached for my board, and leaned it up against the railing by two loungers.

  “Can I?” I stared at him in disbelief.

  “Yes.” He moved closer. “I’m not the same person I was three years ago, Jess. I’m an adult now; well, at least I like to think I am.”

  “Sorry,” I murmured. “This is just new to me. I want to tell you things, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “I know.” He nodded as he glanced at the pool deck. “So when do you need to be back at your place?” His eyes looked hopeful as he glanced up at me.

  “I think I’ll be ok if I get back by three.” I twisted my hands in front of me as I nervously shifted on my feet. I wanted him to come with me, but I wasn’t sure how to explain it.

  “What? What now?” He flung his arms out.

  “You wanna be my guest?” I sucked my lip back into my mouth and clamped down on it hard enough to leave a mark.

  “I’d love to, but the question here is, do you want me to be your guest?” He smiled as he reached out and touched my shoulder. His fingers trailed down my arm until his hand met mine. He gripped my fingers and gave a gentle tug. “I’d love to see you in your element, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to take me because I’m here. I’m not here to take over your life, I’m merely here to see if I still have a place in it.”

  I wasn’t really sure what to do here. I wanted to have a place in my life for him, but I still wasn’t sure how all this was going to work. Ryan was leaving in three days, and I’d still be here. He’d be home, going to school, and I’d be here, working. “I want you to be my guest, but…” I trailed off as I looked away from him. My eyes scanned our surroundings, and I grimaced. I didn’t really want to have this conversation here. I wanted to talk to him, but I wanted it to just be us, at least that’s what I thought I wanted.

  Ryan must have sensed my discomfort because he grabbed my hand and pulled me back down toward the beach. I glanced up at my abandoned board, but Ryan stopped me. “It’ll be fine. Guests here expect their stuff to be left alone. I’ll buy you a new one if anything happens to it.” He dragged me a good distance away and then stopped. “Talk to me Jess,” he pleaded.

  “I don’t know what to say.” I blew out an exasperated breath because the truth was, I didn’t know what to say.

  “Try,” he begged.

  “Fine.” I scuffed my feet on the sand. “I want you to be a part of this, all of this.” I motioned to the water. “I’m just afraid. I’m afraid to let you in only to have you leave in three days. I need this to be more than a fling. I need to be more than a fling.” I pointed at my chest. “I can’t let you in, not like before, only to be here alone at the end of the weekend.”

 
He nodded as he glanced out at the water. “Do you mean that? The whole ‘us’ being a ‘thing’? Do you really mean that?” His brown eyes bore into mine with what seemed like hope.

  I was tired of playing games. If Ryan really wanted to give us a shot, then I needed to be truthful, and tell him how I felt. “Yes, I do.”

  “Fine.” He gave a quick nod of his head. “Know anyone looking for a roommate?” His lip curled up on one side as I stared at him.

  “What?” I jerked back.

  “If you’re serious about this working, I think it would work better if I were here.” He chuckled as he waved his hand in the air.

  “You’re serious, aren’t you?” I scoffed. Who decides to uproot themselves and move to the West Coast for a girl?

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” He shrugged. “I told you, I’m finished pretending that there isn’t something here. It’s been here since we were six. I’ve tried to hide, ignore, and run from it. None of that’s worked out so well for me. I think it’s time I embrace it, and I can’t do that from home. You’re here, so now I’m gonna be here too.”

  “How is this even possible?” I whispered. I was in shock, and I was afraid that when I came down from this that it would all have been a dream. There was no way this was real. Ryan wasn’t moving here, and I was surely hearing things.

  “I’ll transfer my credits, get a job doing something, maybe teach surf lessons?” He shrugged. “I don’t care as long as you let me in. If we’re really doing this, then I’m willing to do whatever it takes.” His arm slipped around my waist and tugged me closer. “The question is are you?” His chin tipped down as he stared at me.

  I blinked as the last few minutes sunk in. How was this even real? A week ago he was being a complete ass to me. He hurt me on purpose, and now he was basically telling me he still loved me. Could I even trust him now?

  “I don’t know,” I whispered. “How is this even happening?” I closed my eyes for a moment before I looked up at him. “I have a life here Ryan. I have a career, friends, everything…”