It's All Relative

by S. C. Stephens

  During Harmony’s brief shift as she thought about Jessie’s request, April sat up and scooted over to the edge. “Kai? He left? Is he okay?” Her face, equally as scruffy and wild as Harmony’s, looked genuinely concerned. While she and Kai may not have worked out in the romantic sense, she did like him and her face clearly showed it.

  Jessie felt another tear slide down her cheek as she shrugged. She really didn’t know if he was okay or not. The last she’d seen, he’d been staring after her, looking on the verge of the same breakdown she’d had. Jessie had to imagine that wherever he was right now, he had to be anything but okay to just leave her like that he had. “I’m not sure. He left while I was sleeping.”

  Harmony’s eyes came back to Jessie, her brow scrunched. “He didn’t say why he was taking off? He didn’t say goodbye?” She tilted her head. “Did you guys have a fight or something?”

  Jessie opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. She had no idea how to answer her. She couldn’t tell them what had happened. They’d be horrified. Feeling her cheeks heat as she thought about it, she sputtered, until she remembered the tired blonde downstairs. “The front desk said he mentioned an…emergency…or something.” She looked between her friends. “I just, I don’t know what that means and I really need…” Swallowing back a lump in her throat, her eyes watered unnecessarily. “I need to see him.”

  Harmony nodded, running a hand down Jessie’s hair. “Of course. We’ll go home, make sure he’s okay.” She looked over at April as the other woman got up off her bed and came over to sit on Jessie’s other side. Glancing back at Jessie, Harmony asked, “Can we eat first? Maybe do a run or two?”

  Feeling even more horrible, Jessie fought the growing tears. Shaking her head, she said, “I know I’m spoiling the weekend, but I really would like to leave as soon as possible. He’s only a half hour or so ahead of us, and has he to get a taxi to his place from wherever he’s getting dropped off. We could get there at the same time…if we left now.” The tears won out and a couple spilled over. Her voice shaky, she looked between her friends. “I just really want to make sure he’s okay.” And that he wasn’t making arrangements for a flight back home.

  Harmony patted her knee, smiling encouragingly. “Hey, it’s okay. He would have woken you up it had been anything really serious.” She twisted her lips. “Maybe it was just a work thing?” Harmony shrugged, not really knowing what Kai did anyway. Jessie watched her stand up and nod at her pile of belongings strewn about one corner of the room. “We’ll just get our stuff together.”

  Jessie nodded as Harmony got to work shoving things back in her bag. April beside her slung an arm over Jessie’s shoulders. Jessie leaned into her, grateful. It was the first time in a long time that April had been anything other than snarky with her. “She’s right, you know. Kai would have told you if it was a family emergency.” She shrugged adorably. “I mean, that would affect both of you, right?” She smiled like what she’d just said was encouraging. Jessie wanted to cry again.

  Seeing the look on her face, April squeezed her tighter. “Hey, sorry about kicking you out last night, making you stay with him.” She leaned her head on Jessie’s shoulder while Jessie sniffled. “I guess I was being pretty bitchy about the whole thing.” Glancing up at Jessie, she smiled devilishly. “It’s not like I haven’t called you worse.” April winked at her and Jessie managed a small laugh.

  Sighing sadly, Jessie thought of everything that had happened between her and April recently, and all because Jessie had tried to place her between herself and Kai. Truly a bad idea. She’d only added jealousy into the relationship with her cousin, and strained the relationship with her friend. She patted April’s leg. “I am sorry I went off on you.” Blushing, she added, “I know you don’t understand this, but it was more about him than you.”

  April put her hand over Jessie’s and squeezed. “I know, he told me.” Jessie felt every inch of her tense. He’d told her? Told her what? April looked over her wide eyes and shrugged. “It’s kind of why we broke it off.” Jessie tensed even more. God, did she know? Oblivious to the terror in Jessie’s veins, April said, “You know. That he’s hung up on some girl in his past, can’t let her go.”

  April shrugged again and Jessie relaxed, somewhat. The “girl” Kai had told April about, was obviously Jessie. Well, that was obvious to her, to April, it could have meant anybody in his past.

  April’s face brightened as she sat up straighter on the bed. “Hey, maybe that’s it! Maybe it’s the girl? Maybe she realized what an idiot she was, called him, and begged for him to come back. Maybe he fled in the middle of the night to romantically run to her.” She sighed and shook her head. “I bet by tonight, he’s on a plane back to Hawaii, where she’ll be waiting for him at the airport. Then they’ll kiss, an orchestra will play, and everyone will live happily ever after.”

  Jessie closed her eyes. April had just unknowingly spilled out her greatest fear. No, he wasn’t running to Hawaii to get to a girl, he was running back to Hawaii to get away from a girl. Her. He could very well be on a plane by tonight, heading home…alone. Only no orchestra would be waiting for him and there would be no happily ever after with the woman he loved. Not in this fairy tale.

  Just then, Harmony looked up from stuffing clothes in her bag. Smirking at April, she said, “Well, aren’t you the closet romantic?” Then she grabbed a pair of April’s pants and chucked them at her. “Now pack up, I’m not doing it for you…again.” Harmony twisted her lips as April stuck out her tongue.

  What felt like an eternity later to Jessie, the girls were all piled in Harmony’s car, ready to leave their getaway spot behind. Harmony sighed as she cast glances back at the mountain they were leaving in her rearview mirror. Jessie felt that guilt resurface, but she just couldn’t lounge around and have fun, not with the turmoil in her stomach that things were really wrong between her and Kai. She didn’t blame him for planning on leaving, for going back home. She just couldn’t stand the thought of him doing it while she was away. Jessie couldn’t handle the idea of him leaving without saying goodbye.

  She’d make it up to Harmony with another trip in a couple of weekends. If there was one thing that was pretty easy to do in Colorado, it was ski in the wintertime. Maybe she’d treat her friends to the best room in the lodge, to thank them for yanking them away from it. That was, assuming she ever felt like skiing again.

  Sighing, as she hoped for the millionth time that they were gaining on him, Jessie felt April beside her pat her knee. “Hey, relax. I’m sure he’s fine.” Jessie gave her a half smile, not really in the mood to chitchat about Kai. April twisted her lips. Digging through her jacket, she pulled out her phone. “Did you try his cell phone?”

  Jessie frowned and shook her head. No, she hadn’t calmed down long enough to think of just calling him. April pressed a couple buttons then put the phone to her ear. She almost immediately pulled it away while Jessie held her breath. April shrugged. “Straight to voice mail. Maybe the battery died?”

  Jessie nodded and looked out the window at the sea of white capped trees flying by. Or maybe he’d shut it off, because he couldn’t handle talking to Jessie. Maybe he was done. As her stomach turned at the thought, April leaned across the seat. “Hey, you want to hear about the guys at the bar last night?”

  Jessie turned back to her as Harmony started to laugh softly. April bit her lip. “Mine was a tight end for Oregon State… and yeah, he had a very tight end.” She giggled while Harmony shook her head.

  Jessie managed a smile and leaned into the door. “I’d love to hear all about it, April.” Anything to stop worrying about Kai.

  Settling in, Jessie listened to her friends talk about all the fun, innocent form of flirting that they had done last night. Jessie tried not to, but words and sounds of her own night filtered into her head. Kai breathing in her ear. Kai whispering how he needed her, how he thought about her. Her own sounds as he entered her. Him telling her, once again, that he was coming, that
he couldn’t stop…

  It was a long drive home with all of that in her head. By the time Denver rolled into view, Jessie’s stomach was knotted so tight, she wasn’t sure how it would ever release. Jessie explained to Harmony how to get to his place, since Jessie figured he had to return there at some point. Pulling up to the outside of the apartment complex, Harmony stared at it oddly. Too anxious to care why, Jessie started to open the door.

  Harmony’s voice froze her in place, one foot out on the sidewalk. “Isn’t this where Ricardo lives?”

  April beside Jessie scrunched her nose at Harmony while Jessie’s heart started thudding. “Ricardo?” April asked, confused over who that was. Then her eyes widened and she looked over at Jessie. “Oh, the Latin lover one nighter, right? We picked you up here?”

  Jessie shook her head and shrugged, feigning drunken memory loss. “I have no idea. I doubt it was the same place.” Stumbling out of the vehicle, she hoped her friends didn’t start putting the pieces together now.

  Harmony leaned over the seat to talk to her. “No, it was definitely this place. I remember the design on the door.” She laughed. “Oh my god, how funny that Kai lives here too.” She grinned impishly. “Do you think he knows Ricardo?”

  April laughed at that and started humming, ‘It’s a Small World After All.’ Jessie quickly stepped out of the car, eager to end the conversation. “Can you guys take my stuff home?” April laughed and nodded. Jessie paused a moment to appreciate the friends that had done so much to help her, and not just this morning either. Giving them each a warm smile, she lightly shook her head. “Thank you guys both, so much, for doing this.” She shrugged. “You both really mean a lot to me, I hope you know that.”

  April tilted her head at her, then leaned over and shoved her farther out the door. “Stop that, I feel guilty enough.” She playfully pointed a finger at her. “Don’t be getting all mushy on me.” Giving Jessie a quick wink, she closed the door. Rolling down the window, she blew her a kiss. “We love you too, Jessie.”

  Harmony agreed with her sentiment, then added, “Hey, let us know if Kai is okay. He’s family, so, we love him too.”

  Jessie nodded then waved as Harmony pulled away. She had no idea what she’d tell them. She didn’t really want to manufacture an emergency, and she couldn’t tell them the real problem. Jessie sort of felt stuck in her lie and she really, really hated that feeling.

  Walking through the doors to Kai’s apartment building, her loud heart started getting even louder. Jessie didn’t know if they’d beaten him back or not. Maybe he’d gotten home earlier than she realized he could, and he’d already gone to the airport. Maybe he was already on a plane…leaving her. Woodenly, she shuffled to his door. She stood in front of it, listening for sounds. It seemed pretty quiet in there. Raising her hand, she softly knocked.

  Nothing answered her. She tried again, louder, her panic giving her volume. Still nothing. She wrestled with the knob, but it was locked. Her rational voice was screaming at her that he wasn’t in there, but her heart didn’t want to consider that she’d missed him. Not wanting to disturb his neighbors, but needing him to be in there, she pounded on the door with the side of her hand. “Kai?”

  “Jessie?”

  The sound had come from behind her and she spun around. Kai was standing in front of the elevator, staring at her like he was seeing a vision that couldn’t be real. Jessie let out a long exhale. He was still here. She leaned back against his door as he slowly approached her. He still carried his bags from the trip, so he hadn’t even been home yet; she had beaten him. His face was worn, his incredible eyes heavy with weariness. Unlike her, it seemed that he hadn’t slept at all.

  Kai tilted his head as he stepped in front of her. “How…? What are you doing here?”

  Jessie straightened and took a step towards him. “You left? You just…left?”

  Kai looked away, his shoulders slumping. Looking exhausted, he shrugged. “I had to, Jessie. I couldn’t stay. Not after…” Looking back up, his gaze going to just over her shoulder, he pointed at the door. “Let’s go inside.” He dangled the keys in his hand and Jessie stepped aside so he could unlock his place. His body brushed against hers as he opened the door, but he still kept his eyes from her.

  Her heart hurting, her stomach churning, she followed him into his apartment. The apartment. The place where this whole mess had started.

  Kai set his bags down in the kitchen, and then leaned back against the counter, his hands carefully tucked behind him. He sniffed and stared at the floor, still not looking at her. As she closed the door, she wanted to cry again. He couldn’t even look at her. Jessie stayed with her back against the door, ignoring the memory of the first time that her back had been shoved against this door. Things were so different now than back when he’d only been a fling, only the elusive “Ricardo” that her friends loved to tease her about.

  Her voice coming out with a horrid warble in it, she broke the silence in the room. “Kai…?”

  She couldn’t say any more than that and he finally looked up at her. His eyes were wet. “I needed to get away from you, Jessie, because staring at you in that bed…all I wanted to do…was join you.”

  Jessie closed her eyes, his words washing over her as soothingly as his hands had earlier. He hadn’t fled in disgust. He’d fled from desire, from love. Opening her eyes, Jessie wondered if that was any better. His pained eyes confirmed that he didn’t think it was. He shook his head. “And I can’t. I can’t let myself cave to these feelings I have for you. It’s wrong, Jessie.” Kai shrugged, his face tired and hopeless.

  Jessie bit her lip, begging the water in her eyes not to fall. “I know,” she whispered. He nodded and looked down again. The room once again swirling with a tension filled quiet, Jessie whispered, “Are you leaving?” One tear disobeyed her, traveling down her cheek to drip onto the floor.

  Kai looked up, glancing at her cheek before returning to her eyes. His seemed torn, like he wanted to sweep her in his arms, but wanted to keep his distance. Swallowing, he looked at the door she was leaning against. Frowning, he looked back at her. “Is that why you rushed here? You thought I’d come home, get my stuff, and head back to Hawaii…today?”

  Closing her eyes, Jessie nodded. She felt him step towards her, heard his shoes move across the linoleum. “Jessie, I would never leave without…saying goodbye first.”

  She opened her eyes to find him a few steps in front of her, his arms loose at his sides. Jessie couldn’t help but note that he hadn’t said that he’d never leave. “But you are, aren’t you? You’re leaving?”

  He looked down again and Jessie saw something fall from his eyes to splash on his jeans. Tears. Jessie’s stomach squeezed. It was rarely ever a good thing when men were reduced to tears. “Not today…” he whispered.

  She took a step towards him. “Kai…”

  His hand came out to stop her from getting any closer. “I can’t be around you, Jessie. I thought it would get easier…but it’s only gotten worse.” He looked up at her, telltale tracks on his cheeks. “The more I get to know you, the more I want you. You’re perfect for me. Take away the fact that we’re family, and you’re perfect for me.” He shook his head. “I think that’s what really kills me. You’re everything I could have asked for…and I can’t have you.”

  Kai sniffed, struggling to not lose control. Jessie nodded, struggling to maintain hers as well. “I know. You’re…all I’ve ever wanted.” She shrugged and he closed his eyes, his tired body slumping more.

  Shaking his head, he ran a hand through his hair. The hand trembled, along with his voice. “I thought that we could get through this…attraction together, but it’s gone so far beyond that now, I don’t think it’s even possible to work through it anymore.”

  Jessie stepped forward. Standing a foot away, she reached out and swiped her thumb under his tired eyes, drying the tear marks. He exhaled softly and leaned into her touch. “What are you saying, Kai?”

  H
is eyes popped open, a new tear running over Jessie’s thumb still on his cheek. “We need…space, Jessie.” He reached up and grabbed her hand, pulling it away from his skin. His words mixed with his actions ominously. His tropical eyes searching hers, he whispered, “We tried just being family, we tried placing another person between us, and we even tried not seeing each other.” He shook his head as Jessie felt her own tears finally freely falling. His eyes watching them, he continued. “And all that did…was lead to…”

  Stopping, he bit his lip. Jessie flushed, thoughts of last night again running through her mind. His eyes flicked over her face. “Even now, watching you, I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, and I want to tell you that I…I…” He stopped again and sighed. “And I can’t. I shouldn’t. Because this is wrong.”

  His hand still holding hers, dropped it, and he took a step away from her. “If we stay in the same city, the same State…if we stay around each other, it’s going to happen again. Our lives are too connected here, with Gran, with your friends. The world is too small…” Kai sighed and looked to the side, like he couldn’t bear to break her heart directly. “I can’t do this. I can’t hurt my family like that. I can’t let you hurt our family like that. As much as I want you, as much as I need you, this is wrong, Jessie. It’s twisted and sick and…” he looked back at her, his eyes hurt, tired, and apologetic, “…and I can’t stop thinking about you. So…for now…I need to go home.”