Absolution: A Salvation Society Novel

by Leaona Luxx

  Even if I had, she wouldn’t have known where to find me. Even now, I know she was more alone than I ever could’ve been. I promised her forever and gave her misery.

  I fist my hair, screaming as the person I used to be collides with who I am now. For so long, I thought there’d be a struggle, that who I was and now need to be, would fight until one of me was dead.

  I’ve been so wrong because they’re the same person. I didn’t change, not even when I couldn’t remember who I was. My life has run parallel, waiting for one to catch up with the other.

  “I need to find her.” I fight my weakened body to stand, as Doc runs to me. “She’s ours… they’re our family.”

  My bag sits by the front door, Doc and I stop long enough for me to grab it off the floor and head out. My entire being is exhausted, I feel like I’ve been rebirthed. As though I have a new life.

  The highway isn’t busy this time of night, and the moon shines bright, clearing a path for my drive home. I know the first thing I have to do when I get back to Cherry Grove.

  So, I set my eyes on my target and press the gas. The sooner I can get home, the better off we’ll all be. I peek back at Doc; her head is laying on my headrest.

  “It’s okay, love. We’re going home, and everything is going to be alright. I often wondered if you’d recognize the old me, but now I know, it’s just me before and after.”

  A few hours later, I pull into the driveway at my parent’s home. I haven’t a clue what I’m going to say, I hope something takes over, and it rolls out, so I don’t have to think anymore.

  I step from my SUV, turning to the dimly lit house. Doc climbs out from behind me, clinging to my side. My feet move faster the closer I get to the door; I don’t even knock.

  I hurry through, announcing myself as I walk in. “Mom? Dad? I’m home. Dear God, I’m home.”

  Crawford turns the corner, stopping short of me. He searches my eyes, waiting for me to go on, or say something more. Kathryn leans around him, staring at me for a split second before bum-rushing me.

  “Thank you, Heavenly Father! My baby is home!” Her arms wrap around me, hugging me so tightly she steals my breath away. As if of their own accord, I enfold her into mine.

  “Yeah, Mom. I am finally home.” I’m brought to my knees with her cries, as they echo throughout the house, sending me reeling with my own. My heart hammers in my chest, pumping my blood through my body like a freight train.

  I glance at my dad, he stands just to the side of us, his hand clasped on his mouth, muffling his sobs. I reach for him, offering him a lifeline to join us. He grasps hold of it, and I pull him to us.

  We stand in their foyer, holding one another like this for the longest time. Finally, I know they have questions, and I don’t have time to answer them all, but I know I have to try.

  Dad steps back, drying his face on his handkerchief. “What happened?”

  “Scarlet.” I drop my head, shaking more memories free as I do. I can’t count how many times a day I thought of her, now she’s all I can think of day and night.

  “She had something to do with this?” Mom tilts her head, wiping her face on her shirt.

  “Oh, Mom. Let’s get you some tissues.” I take her hand, dragging her toward the kitchen with Dad hot on our heels. Kathryn yanks down a handful of paper towels, using them instead.

  Dad drops into the chair beside me. “I don’t understand, how did Scarlet help? Did you have a dream or flashback?”

  “You might want to strangle me, but I’m gonna have to leave most of it until I can get back here, I need to go find her. I messed up, bad.”

  “Not until you give us at least a clue of what happened!” Mom takes my hand, and for the first time in two years, I don’t flinch. She smiles, and a warm feeling builds in my chest.

  “Long story, short.” I squeeze my eyes closed, not wanting to see their faces when I hit them with everything. Hey, I’m still their kid. “We dated in college, I asked her to marry me and promised to introduce you all. Then, I joined the SEAL’s without talking to anyone, even her.”

  Scarlet took it as well as she could, and continued getting her degree in veterinarian medicine. Every time we had it planned for her to meet y’all, she had school, or I would be deployed, it made it hard to get y’all together.”

  “Finally, I promised her that when I got back from the last mission, I would make it happen during one of her visits to see me. By then, she was pregnant, and I didn’t exactly return.”

  “Creed,” mom’s hand clutches her throat.

  I nod. “Yes, Emmie’s our child. You have a granddaughter, and Scarlet was so alone, she truly didn’t know what to do.”

  “Craw…” mom reaches for Dad, their hands clasp. “I told you.”

  “What?” I gape at them, my head nearing an explosion from so much information coming at once.

  He smiles wide. “The minute Kathryn saw her; she knew she was yours.”

  “How in the hell didn’t I see it?” I scrub my hand over my face, thinking of every time I looked into Emmie’s eyes.

  “You couldn’t even see yourself and recognize who you were. It’s no one’s fault, I’m just thankful for fate.”

  I rub the center of my chest as my heart aches for them. Of course, my parents would see what I couldn’t. There’s a switch that flips automatically when you’re a parent, your heart knows theirs.

  “I truly hate saying this, but I need to go; I have to try and salvage this. I love them, I want them to know it but more than that, I need them to feel the love they’ve missed for so long.”

  “We’ll be here.” Dad pulls me into a hug, slapping me on the back when he’s done.

  Mom walks around the counter to me. “When you can, we’d love to meet our Emmie and Scarlet.”

  “I promise we’ll come over. If she’ll let me in, and forgive me.”

  “She will.” Mom pats my cheek, letting me go so I can run to Scarlet and beg her forgiveness. I press my lips to her forehead and head toward the door.

  I'm not even sure Scarlet will talk to me, let alone forgive me and whether anyone else thinks so, she has every right to not want to. I hop in my SUV with Doc by my side. I waste no time getting to Scarlet’s, but I have one obstacle before I can see her.

  Reese.

  “What?” Reese taps her foot on the porch as I approach, she had to have seen me coming.

  “I love her! And I remember everything; every moment, every kiss, and every time I promised her everything would be okay, and it wasn’t. I’ll spend the rest of my life groveling at her feet to make it up to her, but by god, I’m coming in and telling her myself.”

  Reese cocks her brow. “How do you plan to do that?”

  “By telling her I can’t live without her being by my side, the way she’s held my heart all of these years. I plan to love her until she can find it in her heart to love me again.”

  Reese purses her mouth. “That’ll work.”

  I lean in, kissing her on the cheek. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t hurt her again, or I take your balls.”

  “Never, I’m loving her forever.” My chest tightens with the thought of a lifetime with Scarlet and Emmie. And they’re all I need.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Scarlet

  “Scarlet, for the love of all that’s holy, please take a bath! Don’t make me call 911 so the firemen can hose you down, although they’d be better suited with their face masks!” Reese yells from the other room, and I cover my head with a pillow, trying to drown her out. It doesn’t work.

  “Go away!”

  She jerks my covers off, gagging as she does. “Yuck! Oh my god! What in the hell?”

  “Please leave me alone, I’m trying to die alone and unhappy.”

  “Girl, you got dying down! Your ass or crotch is rotten, go!” Reese screams at me until I drag my ass out of bed. “Oh, my gracious! You stank-ass!”

  “Fine! But I will not shave anything below my boobs.”<
br />
  Reese stares blankly. “Where in all the hell do you have hair?”

  “I meant my cooter and legs.” I stomp toward the bathroom. All I want to do is wallow in my self-pity and despair. Reese acts as if she’s never been heartbroken. Well, I have, and it’s fucking terrible.

  “You’re giving firemuff a whole new meaning, you know that, right?”

  I flip her off, sticking my tongue out at her. “I hate you.”

  “Brush them damn nasty ass teeth too, or I’ll use your toilet bowl brush on them when you get out!”

  Reese kills me, she also gets me. I don’t think I’d be here if not for her, but that’s what I deserve for letting him back in. He should’ve never come back here. Then again, I should have left. This is his home.

  Emmie and I don’t have one, and especially without him. I’ve waited for him, longed to be held by him, and needed for him to love me for so long, I didn’t care how he came back to me.

  I was selfish, I know it. Creed deserved the truth from the minute he walked into the clinic, I just didn’t know how to tell him. No one’s listened to me in so long, I felt stupid for mourning him as long as I have.

  I gasp on a sob, not wanting her to realize I’m breaking all over again. A week has passed since the last time I’ve talked to Creed. It feels so much worse than before. Losing someone is hard, but doing it twice is murder.

  “Hey, Scarlet!” Reese yells through the door, ripping me from my nightmare that I’m living while wide awake. I bite back the tears, pretending to be okay.

  “What? I’m washing and shaving everything! Now, leave me be woman!”

  “Good, ya nasty ass hooch! Emmie and I are running over to get the twins, we’ll be back in a few.”

  “Take your time, I am.” Reese is the best, doesn’t matter she’s my cousin, I love her like a sister. Emmie will love having the twins over to play with too.

  I take my time, showering, and shaving all the things, even though I didn’t want to do it. By the time I’m finished, I feel much better. I also no longer smell. I wrap my hair and trudge through the house.

  “I wonder if Reese will grab us some ice cream. Where’s my cell?” I round the corner to be stopped dead in my tracks. My mouth hangs before I can shut it.

  “Scar.” My name on his lips is like an anthem to my soul. It soothes my heart and feels like home.

  “I thought you were moving away.” I jut out my chin, folding my arms across myself. Doc runs over to me, and I lean down to love on her. “Hello, my love. How’s my Doc?”

  “We’re good, and yes, I packed my things, thought about getting away from everything, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave.”

  “I let you go, you’re forgiven. No worries here, so go start a new life.” I beg my tears to stay put, I refuse to let him see me cry again. I focus on Doc as she makes herself at home on the couch.

  “Damn, I was just getting used to you loving me.” He steps closer to me, looking fine as hell. Like, why? He’s trying to torture me.

  “One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is to grieve a person that was still living. I think you’ll get over it if you try hard enough.” I twist my mouth, chewing the inside of it, hoping I don’t lose my shit in front of him.

  “Scar, I’ll never love another person the way I love you. In the middle of my chaos, there you were. Pulling me into the here and now. I’m sorry I let you down.” This time, I have no way to stop them. His eyes glisten with the wet stuff too.

  I move across the room, putting distance between us. “I’m not sure we can fix all that’s been broken, Creed.”

  “We’ll never know if we don’t try.”

  “We did try, and we failed.” I sniffle, giving into my fledgling tears.

  “No, you tried. I was too caught up in being a selfish asshole. I never gave you a chance to explain what you had been through. I’m not sure I would’ve made it.”

  “But didn’t you? You’re here, and you’re getting a second chance. That’s something most aren’t given.”

  “I was lost, Scar. I wasn’t sure a second chance is what I needed. I was wrong, it’s all I need.” He stalks toward me. “You’re all I need.”

  I shake my head to keep him from noticing my body quaking. “You don’t need me; you don’t even know me.”

  “My heart will always know yours. If you came to me as a different person, in another time, with your name changed, I would still know you. I will always love you.” He reaches for me, and I flinch.

  “I let my guard down with you once, I can’t risk it again. This wasn’t meant to be, I was wrong. I should’ve never come here; I never should’ve looked for you.”

  You know those pieces of my heart that were left, there’s nothing now. Creed searches my face, looking for the love I once gave him, but it’s not here anymore. I’m not the same girl, and there is no absolution for me.

  “Go home, Creed. I’m no longer someone you can love.” I turn to leave, and he steps in front of me.

  “I remember you. The day I first laid eyes on you, I knew then I’d love you forever, and my entire world flipped. I dreamed of you every day while I was in that hell hole. You would beg me to come home to find you. And now that I have, I’m not letting you go.”

  “You don’t have a choice.” I level him. “I can’t do this anymore, Creed. This… you and I will never work! We’ve tried twice, and it has gutted me. I have nothing left to give. Just let go.” That’s when it happens, I release him. I would love to say my heart was breaking, but what was a fissure is now pieces of my world.

  “Because you have given me everything. A daughter. Your love. A place to call home. There was a time when I thought being a SEAL was the most important thing in the world. I was wrong, nothing will ever mean more to me than being your husband and Emmie’s father. Loving you both as I promised I always would, the way you showed me it should be.” This time, when I look into his eyes, I see the man I fell in love with. If only it wasn’t too late.

  “Life has a way of showing us what will be when we don’t listen. I refused to hear it, now I’m learning the hard way. No, Creed. This was never meant to be.” I clutch my chest, knowing my heart isn’t in this, but there’s no turning back. I race from the room, locking myself in my bedroom and away from him.

  I watch the clock as time moves slowly, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m thinking of Creed and wanting him here with me. Instead of texting him, I text Reese instead and check in on how Emmie is doing.

  Scarlet: Where are you?

  Scarlet: I can’t believe you left him here.

  Reese: I can’t believe you won’t talk to him.

  Scarlet: I’ve said it all.

  Scarlet: How’s Emmie?

  Reese: She’s great. Already asleep.

  Reese: Talk to him.

  Scarlet: No. Good night.

  Reese: You’re impossible.

  “It takes one to know one.” I sneer at my phone before tossing it onto the bed. If she only knew what I’ve been through, she’d understand why being with him is impossible.

  “Scarlet.” I jump out of my skin from the sound of his voice. Are you kidding me, he’s still here. I stare at the door, wanting to ask him to go but needing him to stay. My heart betrays me.

  “What?” I ease over to the door, pressing my ear against it.

  “I’m not leaving. I’ll be sitting in the hallway, against this door, until you open it and talk to me.”

  “Haven’t we said enough? We’ve caused each other enough pain to last two lifetimes. And as much as I hate to say it, it’s time to stop trying. To stop hurting each other. To stop the pain.” Creed often talks of the hell he went through in that hole. Right now, I’m in agony with a gaping hole ripped through me.

  “Maybe.” I hold my breath when he’s quiet for a minute. “So, I’ll be here when you have something else to say.”

  I release it with a heavy sigh. “You might be waiting for a while.”

  “I
used to think I had endured a hell like no other, then I spent this week without you. So, I’ll sit here for as long as it takes. Loving you for as long as I can. Because I just don’t work without you, Scar. I can’t live knowing you and Emmie are out here with me loving you the way you both deserve to be loved.”

  I slide down the door, propping my back against it. “Why? Why would you do this, Creed? When I finally find the courage to let you go.”

  “You’ve shown me what my life was supposed to be, and I want it all. When I think of you, I see beyond what I am. There’s a past, the present, and our future.”

  “And yet, it’s still not enough. You say I give you hope when I have none. You see a forever, and I can’t see beyond today.” My heart stops, and I catch my breath. “Love should never feel this way, remember?”

  “No, it shouldn’t.”

  I press my hand to the door, needing to feel his warmth. “You see, the hurt we’ve caused the other has robbed us of knowing how it should be.”

  “It will always be just like this,” he pushes a piece of paper under the door. “open it.”

  I pick it up, doing as asked. My vision blurs as I stare at the words. My voice breaks as I read them aloud. “I love you.”

  “I need you to read those words every time you think we can’t do this, when we argue, and make love. The millionth time, I leave my socks on the family room floor. When I forget to put the seat down, no matter how well-raised I was. But most of all, I will remind you of those words when you wake, sleep, eat, work, and breathe because that’s how many times in a day that I’ll be saying it.”

  This man. I reach for the handle, pulling it open to find him sitting just where he said he’d be… waiting on me. “You will not leave the seat up, or I’ll send you home to your momma.”