Dirty Disaster

by Addison Moore

  “New York?” I can barely get the words out of my throat.

  Here we are, in the middle of Founder’s Square where we shared our first kiss all those dizzying months ago. Only now the night is replaced with the cold harsh glare of a winter sun, snow reflecting its rays mercilessly.

  “Yes, it’s for a spring admit.” He swallows hard as he wraps his arms around me just a little bit tighter. He can feel the urge to bolt building in me, I can tell. “NYU has a great law school. It was my first choice. Don’t worry about it. It’s just a silly admissions letter. I should never have brought it up. I’m happy at Whitney Briggs. I’m happy with you.” He presses a kiss over my lips that quickly grows cold in the frigid air.

  My body solidifies. I can’t breathe. I can’t push the words that are dying to stream from me past that Manhattan-sized lump in my throat.

  “You should go.” I shrug, trying not to acknowledge the pain those words caused as they shred their way past my vocal cords. “It’s not every day your number one pick invites you to participate as a spring admit. Finals are over. I’ll help you pack.” I bite the air with my words. That furious venom that lives inside me percolates to the surface—a parting gift from my mother.

  “Hey”—fear takes over his features, and I hate that I’ve done this to him—“I’m not going anywhere. I’ve already got my classes set for spring right here. I get it. A long distance relationship would suck. And the only thing I need to suck is you.” He offers up that sheepish grin that has the power to charm me, and I almost want to laugh at what a fool I’ve been. Who the heck did I think I was diluting myself into thinking that this person, this entity that lives outside of my airspace could be controlled and kept under the lid of my universe? People leave—mothers, fathers, boyfriends, and it was all too painful to deal with. No way in hell am I ever falling on a sword for an outsider ever again. Serena, Marlin—they’re not only blood, they’re my charges. I don’t care how much older Marlin is. He’s mine.

  I glare at Axel Collins, and those eyes I’ve let him hypnotize me with because I can never safely say the same about him.

  “Go to New York or I will never speak to you again.” I don’t dare tell him that it will be the same case if he stays. “In no way do I want to be that person who you will point an accusing finger at for the rest of your miserable life because I made you stay,” I spit the words out like venom.

  The entire purpose of this conversation and any other interaction we might have from this moment on will be just that—an effort to make him loathe me. It will be easier that way for both him and me. Leaving someone you love is hard on the heart and just as hard on the mind. People turn off their emotions real quick once they despise someone. I wish I could hate my mother. I’ve nurtured that love for her for far too long. I’ve hurt my heart, damaged it beyond repair. My mind is a maze of madness, of head games and defense mechanisms that I utilize just to keep breathing each day.

  “Lex.” Axel tips his head back, his eyes opened to the sky as if pleading for help from an outside source. “Why are you taking this so hard? I’m going to let them know I’m not coming. It was stupid of me to mention it.”

  “Please go.” My voice cracks. For a second I contemplate tricking him into believing I’m fine with a long distance relationship—drop him off at the airport and forget him. But I know Axel. He’d be on the next flight home if he thought something were amiss. No, this needed to end, and it needed to end now.

  “I’m breaking up with you.” I slap my palms over his chest and take a step back. “If you don’t have the backbone to do what’s right in your life, then you’re not the man for me.”

  Axel lunges forward and wraps his arms around me like a vise. His eyes are glassy and his jaw set tight as we stare one another down sternly. Axel and I have been a fragile flower since the beginning, each petal encased in snow. But the thaw was coming. Eventually, the seasons change, and spring is inevitable. We weren’t strong enough to survive the sun and her heated affection. She had already killed us by merely exposing our faults with her light.

  I knew, I knew in the deepest part of who I was that this was too good to be true. Axel and I were doomed from the start. This entire last year has felt as if I were running haphazard on a tight rope, no net. I’ve spent each day secretly dreading the fall. Sometimes it’s easier just to jump, get it over with, and that’s what I was doing. Jumping.

  I take a breath and harden my resolve. “You didn’t think I was serious with you, did you?” I turn and walk briskly to the student parking lot. Axel doesn’t follow.

  I was serious with him. Far too serious for my own good.

  Present Day

  Lex

  I growl like a madwoman at the bevy of protesters lining my front driveway as I barrel my way into the house.

  Raven comes storming out of the kitchen clad in her uniform of old ratty sweats, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s with a spoon spiked through it as if it were a requirement.

  “You.” I needle her with all of my discontent.

  “You!” Raven jumps back, and that waterfall of inky dark hair spills over her shoulders. “You’re half-dressed! You’re wearing someone else’s clothes! You have no shoes on.” She stretches the words out with a newfound disdain as her eyes rise to my middle. “And my God, you have a bush!”

  I glance down at my newly exposed crotch and let out a howl of a scream. “This day just keeps getting worse and worse!” All sorts of gagging noises sputter up my throat as I dash into my bedroom and strip off all evidence of last night’s romp and stomp.

  Raven blinks to life beside me, snickering and tittering while pointing at my girl parts.

  “Boy, you must have really put on a show last night.” Then just as quick as her junior high glee showed up on the scene, it disappears as she gasps hard and slaps her hand over her face. “Your brother!”

  “That’s right, my brother,” I roar over her face. “How could you? Isn’t there some kind of a girl code you sorority girls pledge into for life? How is it that you practically cheerlead me into my ex’s bed and then you turn around and sic the Jepson PD on me who also happens to be the very last person on the planet who wants to see evidence of my sexuality? You sent him straight to ground zero!” I bellow over her until she shrinks into a semi-fetal position with her arms curled over her head.

  “I’m such an idiot. I swear on all that is good, I wasn’t in my right mind.” She bolts to the other side of the bed for protection—a wise move on her part. “But he flashed that badge! And he was dressed head to foot in that official uniform. God knows I’ve been fifty shades afraid of blue after you had Low thrown in the pokey. All that boy had to do was look at me and I spilled every answer at his feet. Honey—I answered questions he didn’t even ask.”

  “Crap,” I moan as I sit on the bed, naked and dejected after a night that my mind is desperate to replay, but I won’t let it.

  “Excuse me, but did I just hear you say the C word?” She slides in about an arm’s length away. “I know for a fact that goes against Lex code.” She slips in closer and butts her shoulder to mine playfully. “How about I make us some tea and cue up an entire montage of rom-coms to erase all memories of your big bro showing up on the scene? I’ll even help you get some clothes on.” She hops up and pulls a chenille robe out of the closet and wraps me in it before pulling back the covers and helping me crawl into bed.

  Raven disappears into the kitchen, and in less than ten minutes she’s back with a steaming cup of tea for the both of us, my grandmother’s china, peach and white flowers on a powder blue setting. It’s my favorite set, and I never use them, but rather than unleash my porcelain-based fury upon her, I sit up in bed and peaceably take the precious cup.

  “Don’t you worry about a thing.” She turns on the television and crawls in next to me, mounding the pillows behind us into a slouched hillside. “We’ll hang out right here, comfy cozy.” She sits so close to me our elbows touch. “After my sorority sisters wou
ld partake in the walk of shame”—she bats her lashes up at me, and I glower at her for even suggesting it—“not that what you just went through, naked, barefoot, and pantiless would qualify. Anyhow, most of them came back just the way they left, albeit a little more disheveled. But you—you’re a bona fide runaway—a sexual escapee. Heck, I don’t even know how to classify that crotch-bearing event. By the way”—she gives a sly wink—“nice move bringing back the seventies vibe.” She glances briefly to my lap. “I’m with you all the way. I hate shaving. Face it, those ingrown hairs itch like hell, and don’t you even try to tell me that curse word was not warranted. In fact, I think we should keep the momentum going. I’ll send an all pubes APB out to my old sorority sisters and we’ll get this hairy ball back in motion. Why should we have to shave for the man? You’re onto something, Lex. Girl power all the way with that one.” She offers up a knuckle bump, and I woefully accept. “You know, I think it’s time.” Those sad puppy dog eyes of hers sag as she gives a slow nod.

  “For Matthew McConaughey?”

  “For you to spill a few emotions all over the place. I get it. You keep a short list of friends, but Low and I care about you. We want to know what makes you tick.”

  “Low isn’t here.” I turn the volume up on the television set, a cooking show—my people, my world. I wish Raven would morph into a bird like she’s supposed to so I can sit here all day and watch bacon melt in a pan instead of slicing open my body like a piñata and entertaining her with the deformed rocks that fall out.

  Raven snatches the remote off the comforter, and within five hot seconds we’re in rom-com hell.

  “I’ll fill her in on all the dirty deets. Now, what’s with the no cursing rule? Let’s start there.”

  “My mother cursed like a trucker.” I lean my head back and end up thumping it against the headboard. So much for pillow mountain. That’s what I get for trusting someone else to do something for me. Today is all about the hard lessons. I don’t see why I should catch a break anytime soon. “She left my family when I was just a kid. I caught her as she was taking off in the middle of the night, suitcase in hand. There was a beat-up car idling for her in the driveway. She said, ‘Take care of everyone for me, baby. You’re my special Lexy girl. I will always love you.’” A single tear singes my cheek as it burns its way down. “I never wanted to hear that name again. I never wanted to see her face. I made sure the first wish came true. She made sure the next one did.”

  A hard sniffle comes from her as Raven lands her tea down on the nightstand. “My God, girl, you’re not made of ice. You’re made of glass.” She wraps both arms around me. “With a mother like that, it’s a wonder you survived. It’s not a big leap to figure out why you’re so cranky and nasty.” Her tears warm my neck as they trickle to my chest, and I pull back staring at her in wonder.

  “Are you crying for me?”

  “Of course, I’m crying for you. Who else would I be boo-hooing for? You’re a badass, Lex! Pardon not my French. But you are. Look at all you’ve managed to accomplish without your mother to guide you.”

  I give a hard sniff toward the television with its ridiculous meet-cute and sappy one-liners. “If this were the seventeenth century, I’d be a spinster.”

  “Yeah, so?” She shakes out that dark mane, and for a moment I’m paranoid she’s about to shed all over my newly washed sheets. “And you probably wouldn’t have Strudel. You’d have like fifteen cats.”

  “I loathe the litter box.” I glare over at Strudel sitting like a king in the corner as if it were all his fault. “And my hovel of a home would be infested with fleas.”

  “And ticks. You’d get Key Lime disease and never want to leave your house again.”

  A horrible sadness encapsulates us both as we sag deeper into a newly invented depression.

  A thump comes from the living room followed by a cheery voice. “Where the hell you girls at?” It’s Low, and I sag with a sigh of relief once her perky face fills the doorway. I’ve never been so thankful not to see my brother. One break-in worthy encounter is enough for the day—for a lifetime.

  I frown over at Low. “I came this close to accosting you with a bottle of hairspray. If you were an intruder, you’d be blind by now.”

  Raven roars with a laugh while patting a spot on the other side of me for her bestie. “And I would have sat on your face until the cops arrived—that is, if you actually had a pair, were over six feet, and had demanding blue eyes. Otherwise, I would have maced the heck out of you. Lex here was about to go easy on you.”

  “You have Mace?” Raven intrigues me just a little bit more each time she opens her mouth.

  “Never mind that.” Low kicks off her heels and crawls under the comforter to my right. Low and Raven are finally proving to be the bookends I’ve always known them to be. “Why the heck wasn’t I invited to this lovefest and”—she pulls back the covers a notch before pulling them snug to her chest—“my word, that is a bush staring back at me!” She leans forward and looks to Raven intently. “Where are Lex’s panties and what have you done to her?”

  Raven rolls her eyes. “Believe it or not, she came home dressed this way. She spent the night with—”

  “Axel,” I cut her off. Tears well up in my eyes, and a knot quickens in my throat. “I lost my mind and let him have his way with me.”

  Low gasps so loud you’d think I were confessing a felony. And in a way, I am. “Well—did you get to have your way with him?”

  A devilish grin percolates on my lips. “More than once, and sadly, not quite enough.” A shiver runs through me at the memory of his strong, weighted frame over mine. Axel made love to me with his whole body. He’s a master between the sheets. Not that I have anything to compare him with, but innately I know that Axel Collins is a force to be reckoned with in bed. A force I rather enjoyed reckoning with come to think of it.

  “Holy crap!” Low gives me a hard shove into Raven’s arms. “What the heck are you doing here? You should be holed up in bed with that boy, wrapped in his arms, and whatever other body parts he held you hostage with.”

  “I would have been if Raven hadn’t sent my big brother after him.”

  A shouting match ensues in which Raven attempts to apologize and simultaneously fill Low in on all the ridiculous details.

  “Wow.” Low fans herself with a fashion catalog sitting on my nightstand. “But I don’t get it. After Marlin left, you could have easily stayed with Axel.” She leans in with that nosy look on her pert little face. “What happened? You can tell us.”

  Raven gently picks up my hand and clamps both of hers over mine, and something about the act warms me. “We’re your friends, Lex. Whatever happened once Marlin left, we’ll support you no matter what.”

  “I’ll kill Axel if he hurt you,” Low offers quickly as if it were a given. “Actually, I’ll probably have Levi do it since death can get messy. Plus, he’s known him longer and can really cut to his weakness.”

  “His weakness.” A dull laugh dies in my chest. “I suppose that would be me.” I give a guilty shrug just before segueing into the fact that I dumped Axel all over again before stomping out of his penthouse this afternoon.

  “Oh, Lex.” Low drops her head in her hands, and her dirty blonde curls spill over the bed. “That boy loves you, and you love him. I’m sorry, but I’m calling it like I see it. Why the heck wouldn’t you want to have everything with him?”

  Raven wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Because that’s what she does—she pushes people away.” She tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. And in the first time in forever it feels as if someone understands me completely.

  I look over at her. Raven has a sweetness about her that reminds me of both Serena and Sunday on a painful level. I already have two girls to look after. I don’t need yet another set. And that’s when it hits me. Raven doesn’t need me to look after her. She’s a grown woman. Raven is simply being—dare I say, a friend? I glance to Low as the same realization hits. Ra
ven and Low are truly there for me. Not as family—as friends. It feels unforgivably strange, and yet it feels right.

  I take a deep breath as if I were about to dive belly first into ice-cold waters. “She’s right. I push people away.” A hot tear rolls down my cheek and it feels good, as if I’ve finally lanced a blister that’s been tormenting me for the last decade or so of my life.

  Raven lays her head on my shoulder, and her dark hair spills between us like shards of black glass. “It’s because your mother left you. How could you possibly trust another adult? Let alone another human being.”

  I give a hard sniff, nodding, suddenly unable to speak at all. It’s as if Raven knows me better than I know myself.

  Low grunts as if she were kicked in the gut. “And you mentioned to me a few months back about your father passing. You had to do it all—be both mother and father to your siblings. Not to mention your aunt’s kids.” I filled Low in on my sordid family history a few months ago while she was temporarily separated from Levi. It was the night I kissed him, but we don’t talk about that anymore.

  “You put up a wall.” Raven nods knowingly. “To protect yourself. If you’re not in charge—well, neither is anyone else.”

  “Yes.” I sit up with the epiphany. “I mean, I’ve always known it deep down inside, but just hearing it like this—it really paints a picture.”

  Low scoots in close to me and wraps her arms around my waist. “And that’s why you pushed Axel away this afternoon. He was getting too close to home, wasn’t he?”

  “He was.” The words come out smaller than a whisper. The truth is, Axel had infiltrated the deepest part of me both physically and emotionally. He did years ago, and I’ve never been able to fully evict him.

  “Let him in.” Raven glides her arms around me as well, and it feels nice being wrapped in a hug from both Raven and Low. Especially now when I need it most. “Let him love you.”