Dirty Disaster

by Addison Moore

  Low chuckles. “Heck, that boy wants to worship you.”

  Raven leans in with those intense sea blue eyes. “Do you love him?”

  “Of course.” My fingers tap over my lips. “Oh my God, I do. I didn’t even have to think about it.”

  “You never stopped.” Low scolds with her finger, and the three of us share a quiet laugh.

  “I didn’t, did I?” It feels as if a freight train just smacked into my face. “I have never stopped loving Axel Collins. I love him still. I love him so much it hurts to think of all the agony I’ve put us through.” Tears buck through me as both Raven and Low join in on the cryingfest.

  “So now what?” Low hiccups into my ear.

  “First thing tomorrow, I’ll head over to The Pelican and tell him how I feel.”

  “First thing tomorrow?” Raven is protesting the idea simply with her tone.

  “That’s right.” I fall back onto the pillow mountain, and the two of them do the same. “Right now, I need to finish up a rom-com marathon with my two best friends.”

  “Aww!” they both coo in unison as we engage in a three-way embrace.

  Raven sighs heavily as she looks up. “Still so impressed by the bush.”

  I kick her knee off my stomach, and the three of us share another laugh. It feels good. Heck, it feels great. Just the thought of two people whom I’m not blood-related to caring anything about me is pretty darn amazing. It feels downright special.

  But the real reason I didn’t speed right over to Axel’s penthouse with my new heart-shaped epiphany is far less easier to finger than a simple rom-com with friends. I suppose at the end of the day it has more to do with fear than anything else. What exactly is it about having a relationship with Axel Collins that frightens me?

  Everything.

  The Sloppy Pelican is quiet just an hour after opening. It’s noon and the lunch crowd hasn’t quite streamed in. Mojo let me know that Ax was across the street at the bank depositing last night’s take, so I make myself comfortable at a booth near the back. I pull out my laptop and open the file that reads Epicurean Elite. Now that I’ll have Axel back—undoubtedly—hopefully, and not to mention the fact I have two bonus besties—I can focus in on fulfilling my personal goals and dreams. I giggle to myself for a moment. Just the thought makes me giddy, and I’ve long hated anything associated with that word. It’s strange. It’s as if during this, the most tumultuous time in my life, I’ve actually become the person I’ve always wanted to be—free from all of that heaviness my mother hung me with before she left. All of the angst, the sarcasm, the outright hatred was a millstone she placed around my neck before shoving me into the deep end of life.

  “Epicurean Elite?” a light female voice snips from over my shoulder, and I turn to find Abby Wilcox tee-heeing to herself. “What’s this? Some snazzy new place you hope to land yourself a job?” She plops down next to me, elbow-to-elbow, and it’s all I can do not to knock her onto the floor with my hip. I may have forged two solid friendships, but I’ve hit my limit. Abby Wilcox is no friend. There’s something smarmy about her I can’t quite put my finger on.

  “It’s actually something I’m thinking of starting myself.”

  “What?” She leans in and scours the first few lines before I snap the laptop shut. “A search engine for great food,” she muses at the tagline. It still needs work. I’d never put it out there without polishing it first. “Sounds like something that’s already in existence.” She clears her throat with a haughty air about her. There. That’s exactly why I can’t stand her. She’s haughty to the max. A self-satisfied smile comes to my lips.

  “It might already exist, but my site will be better. It will purely be comprised of food specialists that I’ll personally vet myself.”

  “And how exactly will this make money?” She shakes her head, doubtful of my financial return as if she had a right to be so judgmental.

  “It’s ad based—details in which I won’t bore you with.” A familiar face brightens the room, and I’m filled with both delight and grief simultaneously. “Teagan!” I flag her over. “Look.” I nudge Abby out of the booth in order to plot my own escape. “I need to help someone out with a little party planning.” I gather my things before giving Teagan a heartfelt embrace. I close my eyes, and for a moment I fool myself into believing it was Emilia I was locked in a hug with. I guess you could say Emilia was my first real friend. I think she’d be thrilled to know that after all these years I’ve made a couple more. Not to mention the fact I bet she’d be tickled to know that Axel and I are back on for good—I hope.

  “I’m not dying, am I?” Teagan pulls back with a laugh that sounds exactly like Emilia’s once did. I can’t imagine the bitter pain her parents must feel, that Axel must feel.

  “Nope, I’m just glad to see you. I’ve got a million ideas about your eighteenth birthday party.”

  “Good.” She leads us off in the direction of the room in the back. “Because my party is next weekend and I need this thing to rock. And I’ve decided that I’m going to call it my Freedom Fest.”

  “Eighteen and free at last?” I can’t help but laugh. “Was it hard time?”

  “Ugh.” She slings her arm over her forehead and pretends to faint. “The hardest!”

  Teagan and I go over everything from flowers to the band. You would think she were marrying British royalty the way Pinterest boards were being formed and analyzed.

  Teagan slaps her hand to her cheek as we study the vast array of images we’ve managed to compile in the short hour we’ve been at it. “Do you really think this could all come together that quickly?”

  “Are you kidding?” I close my laptop as we both stand for the first time in an hour. “I’m a pro at making things happen. I’m organized to a fault, and believe me, I’ll use this superpower to make sure your birthday goes off without a hitch.”

  “Thank you.” She throws her arms around me tight as if I were her Freedom Fest savior, and I just might be. She was looking into mouth blown balloons and crepe paper before she met me.

  “You’re welcome.” And now is a perfect time to segue into a quick sound bite for Barnes. It’s never too early to indoctrinate the youth as far as higher education goes. Now that Axel and I are practically back together, Teagan is family. And just like Teagan, there’s no way I’d want her anywhere near Whitney Briggs. My heart pinches because Sunday just so happens to attend that sexed-up university. But it’s a longstanding Knight family tradition, so I didn’t dare interfere. Plus, her big brother Rush is there. What could go wrong? But as far as Serena and Teagan go, nope. It’s Barnes all the way. Just as I open my mouth to get the indoctrination underway, Shep pops up.

  “There you are. Come on, kiddo. I need to get you back to the office before Dad turns you into a pumpkin.”

  “Ugh,” she grunts at the thought. “That’s right. Dad’s got some big acquisition meeting this afternoon. A million new ideas by a million new people. It’s safe to say my father very much enjoys riding the coattails of others.” She sticks her finger down her throat and wretches.

  “Text me if you need anything,” I say as she speeds back out into the restaurant, but Shep takes a few steps back.

  “I talked to Mortgage Mergers. They said you haven’t filed for the refi. I can help you with the paperwork if you’d like.” He ticks his head in the exact way that Axel does. It’s a bit unnerving how much alike Axel, Shep, and Teagan are. And come to think of it, one of my favorite things about Emilia was how much she reminded me of Axel.

  “I think I have someone to help me out with that.” I swallow hard because I can feel it coming. “You know, I sort of just learned about Emilia’s passing, and I wanted to let you know how sorry I am.”

  Shep’s cheek flinches. “We all are. Thank you.” He steals a quick embrace. “You have a beating heart after all.” He gives a playful wink as we head back out to the bar. “There were bets in place at one time.”

  I belt out a laugh. “Did you m
ake any money?”

  “I took the over-under. Nothing too exciting happened.”

  We share a laugh as we step out into the dining room, and I freeze solid once I see him. There he is, Axel—speaking sweetly to his baby sister. My adrenaline kicks in because I know what’s coming. The time has arrived for me to make things right between us.

  Shep and Teagan say goodbye as they hit the door, and it’s just Axel and me locked in a gaze.

  “Hey, Lex.”

  “Hey.” I swallow hard, trying to quickly factor how to unravel this knot. “You know, I hear the overlook is beautiful this time of year.”

  His head inches back, and his brows knit with confusion. I couldn’t have stunned him more if I pulled a gun on him.

  I step in close and take up both his hands. My breathing grows erratic, and my lip quivers—a nervous twitch I loathe because it forever eats away at my self-confidence. “Remember that hike you offered up the first day we met at the Black Bear?” My entire body shakes as I ask the question. I might as well have taken off all my clothes and splayed myself naked over a pool table, and I wouldn’t feel half as vulnerable.

  His eyes enlarge as the implications of my chaste proposition settle in.

  “Are you asking me out on a date?” His lips cinch with a grin, and a swell of relief fills me.

  “Only if you’re accepting. Do you think you can sneak away for an hour? I hear the owner who runs this place is a real jerk.”

  Axel’s chest rumbles with a dry laugh, his eyes never leaving mine. “I think I can take him if he gives us any trouble.” He holds an arm out. “Shall we?”

  I link my arm through his, and it feels comfortable, right. “We shall.”

  Hollow Brook has always held a special charm. A small town perched on a mountaintop, hillsides abounding, lakes just a stone’s throw away, and if you drive down the mountain and head east, you will inevitably hit a beach. But today, the only body of water we’ll be seeing is that of the Witch’s Cauldron. Thoughts of our last encounter there permeate my mind, and I carefully push them all away.

  Axel and I don’t say much on the way up. I think he’s too afraid I’ll ask him to turn the car around, and I’m too afraid he might be right. Axel carefully bypasses the Witch’s Cauldron and her sister thermal springs and parks near the hiking trails up by the overlook. Wise choice. And by that small action, I’m no longer worried about dredging up the awful past. I’m not ready to, nor do I ever want to. I like the thought of new beginnings.

  We get out, and I stretch back to life while inhaling vats full of crisp autumn air. A burst of color snags my attention from down the mountain, and I gasp.

  “Look at that!” I marvel, and we head to the overlook and take in the fall splendor that’s covering the world below. Maples, liquid ambers, oaks, and aspens all have traded their lime green leaves for bold hues of gold, red, and tangerine. It’s so beautiful I don’t want to move a single step away from here. How could a world that holds so much fragile beauty be so broken and cruel? In the end that’s what I had become, broken and cruel.

  “It’s nice.” Axel wraps his arms around me from behind, and his warm breath trickles over my neck. “But it has nothing on you.” He spins me into him, those bright eyes of his sealed over mine.

  Axel is a gorgeous man—one I’ve always felt was far too handsome for me. But I’ve noticed more often than not an ever-present sadness lurking beneath the surface when he looks at me. I’ve hurt him, I know. But it’s deeper than that. He’s afraid he won’t ever reach me. That I won’t ever stop hurting him. And a part of me is terrified of just that. People don’t change overnight. Some people never change. My mother couldn’t love her own children. How far could I have rolled from the family tree? After all, I’ve got her blood in me.

  My mouth opens to say something, but Axel gently lands a finger over my lips, and I take the opportunity to steal a kiss.

  “I owe you an apology.” He winces before closing his eyes a moment. “I’m sorry about the other night. I should never have let things go that far.”

  “What?” I squawk so loud a flock of sparrows darts out of the evergreen above us. “If you’re about to break into the I-think-we-should-just-be-friends speech, I might be moved to toss you off the side of this cliff.”

  He bucks with a warm laugh. “That’s what I love about you—you’ve got some fight in you.”

  A breath of frustration strums from me. “It’s also what killed us.”

  “I’m not giving you the let’s-be-friends speech.” His hands warm me as they glide over my back. “I’m giving you the I-wish-I-didn’t-take-advantage-of-you-the-other-night speech. The I-think-we-need-to-take-things-slow speech. I’m in love with you, Lex.”

  My teeth graze over my bottom lip because this is the part where I tell him that I love him back and that I want to forget about the past and start all over again.

  My phone buzzes in my purse, and I frown at it. “Just one second.”

  It’s a text from Marlin. You up for dinner at the Black Bear? I want to discuss Serena.

  I’ll get back to you. I hit Send.

  “It’s just Marlin.” No sooner do I dip my phone back into my purse than it buzzes again, and I glance down at it.

  “A text from Serena.” I hold it between Axel and me.

  Why does Marlin insist on making my life miserable? Can you tell him to buzz off and let me live my own life?

  Axel chuckles at the thought. “She’s in good company.” He gives my hip a slight squeeze. “But he’s a good big brother. I would have done the same thing and probably a lot worse to anyone I caught Teagan with.”

  “Then that’s what I’ll say.” I text back. He means well. He’s just being a good big brother. I’m a little busy at the moment, but you, me, and Sunday will hit Hallowed Grounds soon! We’ll have Rush join us. It will be f-u-n!

  “Sorry.” I slip my phone back into my bag and twist my hips against Axel’s.

  “Never apologize. One of the things I love about you most is the way you care for your family.” His finger brushes over my cheek. The sun hits him just right, and his eyes reflect the unblemished sky. “And I love how you’ve taken Teagan under your wing.” His lips twist. “Shep, not so much.”

  “What do you mean?” A laugh bubbles up my throat. I’ll admit I love this quasi-jealous side of him. “Shep is one of my favorite people. He has great hair”—my fingers dig into the thicket just above his neck—“gorgeous eyes and lips that make me want to do this.” Carefully, I sweep my mouth over his. “Oh, wait”—I pull back slowly—“that would be you.”

  “Very funny.” He moans as if it were the most delicious kiss in the world. “So are you up for taking it slow?”

  I can’t help but frown. It’s been my go-to response for so long it feels natural at this point. “How slow?” My mouth is watering to have him, and slow doesn’t quite fit into the equation. What happened between us a couple of nights ago was simply an overflow of built-up angst. It was angry sex. Hostile sexual territory that we both willingly explored and exploited.

  “I don’t know.” His hands ride up and down my body, careful and firm as if he were molding me. “I just can’t risk anything happening to us. I need this. I need you.” His eyes search my features, asking a question all their own. I know what he wants to hear, and I finally feel ready to say it.

  “I need you, too, Axel. I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. But—” If I’m honest, there is always a but in there somewhere.

  He gives a single nod as if he already knows. “You’re terrified.”

  “Petrified.”

  “Don’t be.” He shakes his head, determined for me to believe it. “You and I work, Lex. I won’t hurt you. Trust me. Open your heart and let me in all the way this time. I promise you will not regret it.”

  “All the way.” I bite down on a naughty smile as my hand glides down his chest, my fingers hooking on the lip of his jeans. “Why are you denying me, Collins? I bet Sh
ep would let me go all the way.”

  “That’s it.”

  In an instant, Axel picks me up and slings me over his shoulder. My hair hangs upside down, and I beat my fist over his rock-hard behind, laughing as he spins me.

  Axel lets out an enthusiastic howl before landing me back on my feet, dizzy with a hearty laugh streaming from me.

  The smile drips from his lips as the moment grows serious. “God, I’ve missed you.” There’s that pained look in his eyes once again, and my stomach cinches. Deep down, Axel doesn’t really believe I can pull this off. The new me is simply a bandage over the old me, and soon enough that will simply fall off. In the end, I’ll hurt us both. I’ve already damaged us. The proof is embedded in the last six years. But am I strong enough to repair us?

  My God, I hope so.

  Axel pulls me in tight, bounces his nose sweetly off mine before gazing into me with those serious eyes of his. “You’re way too deep in thought.”

  “I’m concerned.” I butt my forehead lightly to his.

  “How about we let go of all our concerns and busy ourselves with our newfound happiness?”

  Something enlivens in me when he says that word. “You’re happy?”

  His brows bounce as that naughty lewd smile percolates on his lips. “I’m ecstatic.”

  “Prove it.”

  Axel touches his fingers to my chin and gently lifts me to him. He leans in ever so slightly, holding my gaze, commanding that I look at him, and there’s something erotic about this ocular spell he’s put on me. “I’m going to kiss you, Lex. To the new us—may we be forever enamored, deeply in love from here on out on this spinning blue rock.”

  “Hear, hear,” I whisper as Axel closes his mouth over mine.

  There is something sweet and tender about the way his mouth moves carefully over mine—something protective, achingly delicious that has me craving him on a primal level. I open for him, and he loves me like that, slowly, carefully as if our love was fragile as blown glass. Deep down, Axel is convinced that I might stomp away on an angry whim and leave him alone in this world one more time.