You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  That name. No one has called me Chick since him. No one even knows about the stupid name. Hearing his voice caress over the nickname, my chest is tight and I want to scream.

  Instead, I go to what matters . . . getting answers. “What are you doing here?”

  “Allison . . .” he pauses.

  “I don’t mean the hospital, I mean standing here, now,” I clarify. “I figured you’d be with your wife.”

  I’m trembling inside, but using every ounce of control to keep my outward appearance together. How can I look at this man after fourteen years and still want to cry? How can he bring me to my knees with a single look? It shouldn’t be this way. I’m a goddamn doctor who has faced incredible odds with grace and poise, but Bryce Peyton is the lynchpin that could destroy everything.

  He rubs the back of his neck. “I came looking for you.”

  “Why?”

  He rubs the back of his head and looks away. “Why do you think, Serenity? It’s been damn near fifteen years, and now I see you again out of nowhere? I thought maybe we should talk before all of this goes sideways.”

  No, I’ve been here since the day I left, it’s him who showed up out of nowhere. Which makes no sense. Why would he ever think this was a good idea?

  “Sideways, you mean like lying that we don’t know each other?”

  Bryce looks up and releases a heavy sigh. “I didn’t know what to say.”

  I huff. “So your first instinct was to lie?”

  “It’s not like I thought I would ever see you as her doctor. So, yeah, I lied.”

  Well, that’s a great way to function in a marriage. Not that what Allison is doing is any better. Still, it doesn’t even make sense, this web of lies. Why not just tell her and then we could all make sense of it? She’d never want me to treat her and I wouldn’t have to.

  “How could you not know it would be me as her doctor? You’re at my hospital, in my trial, you had to put two and two together. I don’t know any other Serenity Adams, do you?”

  He rocks on his heels. “I never knew the doctor’s name when she mentioned this trial. Allison has seen countless doctors and tells me about every trial under the sun. There are so many details involved in these things, and the doctors’ names usually aren’t pertinent. I learned to let her lead with this and don’t ask questions. When she told me she was accepted into this one, I came with her without hesitation.”

  I close my eyes while shaking my head. “How does she not know? I don’t understand any of this.”

  He waits and I finally bring myself to look at him again. “She doesn’t know you ever existed.”

  Pain once again lances through me. I wanted to believe I had meant more to him. He proposed to me, loved me, was willing to risk everything to make things work, and then I left him.

  “Well, then.”

  My mind reels, knowing this won’t work. It’s not good for anyone involved, and if she doesn’t even know that he and I were engaged at one point, there’s no way I can pretend. It’s not fair to her. She deserves a doctor who will be one hundred percent committed to her care, and keeping secrets could derail her. It’s a conflict even if in the eyes of an ethics board there is no transgression. In my eyes—it is.

  His eyes meet mine and I see the anger burning. “Don’t judge me. I did what I had to in order to survive you leaving me.”

  “It wasn’t like that . . .”

  “It was exactly like that, Chick. I asked you not to go, and you did. Then you moved on.”

  He acts as though I wanted to go. As though leaving the man I was engaged to was a goal. It wasn’t. My mother was sick, and I had to be here for my family. He chose to go to grad school.

  “You can’t really believe you were the only one broken. You have no idea how hard it was for me.”

  He puts his hand up. “I can’t do this with you now. I needed to talk to you before you see Ali again. She’s been asking a lot of questions and we need to be clear.”

  Bryce takes a step closer to me and I smell his cologne, instantly transporting me back in time. He’s the same in so many ways, but things are different too. His voice still sounds the same, I’ve replayed it a hundred times in my head, but his hair has a few grays that definitely weren’t there when we were kids. I wish I could say it makes him look less attractive, but it doesn’t.

  All the more reason why I can’t do this. I can’t even look at him without my stomach dropping and my heart feeling as if it’s going to fly out of my chest.

  “I plan to be very clear because I’m not going to do this . . . I mean . . .” I stammer and then take a moment to compose myself. “I can’t treat Allison. I’m sorry, but I need to release her from the trial today. There’s another doctor that she can see, but my treating her is not a good idea.”

  “Why?” he practically yells.

  “Because it’s a conflict of interest. The rules are very clear that in a trial I can’t treat anyone I know, Bryce.”

  “You don’t know her.”

  Okay, sure, but that’s semantics.

  “I can’t be her doctor and pretend like I don’t even know you. This trial is too important to me, and I can’t be objective, which makes this dangerous for her as well.”

  “She didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “No, she didn’t, but I’m not comfortable. I can’t administer her medication in a clinical trial when I was romantically involved with her husband.”

  I start to walk away, but he grips my arm. Every muscle in my body locks at the feel of his skin on mine. The memories assault me all at once, the love, the hate, the making up, and then the letting go. My breathing comes in short bursts as I use all my strength to stop myself from falling to the ground.

  “Serenity, don’t do this.” The gritty sound of his voice calls to my heart. “Please, don’t, I’m asking you to think about this for a second.”

  “Please let go of me.” I keep my eyes shut with my back to him.

  His hand drops and I turn, and he starts to pace. “It was a shock to see you. That’s all. We were a million years ago and this isn’t about us, it’s about her. She doesn’t deserve to be thrown out of this trial when it’s the only thing she’s talked about for weeks. It doesn’t matter that we knew each other, we don’t know each other now.”

  “I can’t lie to her. I can’t tell her I’ve never met you when that’s the furthest thing from the truth. And it doesn’t matter what we know or knew, it’s not allowed.”

  His eyes turn pleading. “You’re her only chance. Do you understand that? She gave up everything and denied the hysterectomy she probably should’ve gotten because of this. You’re going to penalize her because once upon a time we thought we loved each other?”

  I pull in a deep breath and shake my head. I didn’t think I loved him, I did love him. The fact that he admitted he didn’t love me stings. And knowing Allison’s intentions, knowing more than he does, it’s just too much. There are some burdens I’m not strong enough to carry. Still, I can’t break her trust and tell him that. I have to stick with the fact that it’s about us. I can be the bad guy. “It’s not a good idea. I’m sorry that you’re upset, but there are rules for a reason.”

  “You’re a doctor. It’s your job.” Bryce’s fingers wrap around my wrist, stopping me from walking away, and I can’t breathe. “And you owe me.”

  I rip my hand back, breaking the connection. “Owe you? What do I owe you?” He makes me angry, sad, happy, and destroyed all at once.

  Bryce moves closer, forcing me to take a step back, but I hit the wall. He looks away and then rubs his hand over his face. “Owe is the wrong word. I guess I mean that this is incredibly hard. Seeing you, and having Ali in the room, it’s got me confused, and I’m sorry. Look, all I’m asking is for you to think about what this will do to her.”

  That’s the thing, it’s bad for her as well. What if she finds out about us? Not that there’s been anything recent, but we weren’t just some thing once upon a time. �
��How could she not know anything about us?”

  He releases a deep sigh. “When you left, I lost my mind. I was a mess, I wouldn’t talk to anyone, and I went to Houston where no one knew about us. My family followed my lead and . . . I don’t know, it never came up. I didn’t want it to come up. I loved you with my entire heart and you broke it.”

  “I’m sorry, Bryce. I wish I could help you, but I can’t lose my trial. There are other people in this trial to think about. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  I see the defeat in his eyes. “You’re right. I thought you, of all people, would understand what it’s like to watch someone you love need help. I’m asking you,” his eyes fill with unshed tears. “I’m asking you not to punish her. I’m begging you to at least think about it. We don’t have to tell her because it’s in the past. We’re in the past and we’ve both moved on. Please, Ren, please don’t do this.”

  Our love was the kind people write songs about. We were the love story that writers pen. Two people meeting in the most innocent way, falling in love, and then ripped apart by tragedy.

  We had the beginning, the climax, and then the fall, but unlike in fiction, we never were redeemed.

  I left as promised and Bryce never followed.

  He moves back farther and everything inside of me is conflicted. “I can’t . . .”

  “Please, just think about it tonight,” Bryce says as he disappears around the corner, leaving me stunned.

  Chapter 7

  Seventeen Years Earlier

  “Hi,” a deep voice rumbles behind me. I put up my hand to dismiss the idiot who will only ruin my buzz. “I just thought we should meet.”

  I shake my head, uninterested in whatever he’s selling. “No thanks.”

  “Well, considering you’re going to be my wife. It would probably be best that we get the pleasantries out of the way.”

  I turn with my mouth agape. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me,” the stranger says.

  “I’m sorry, who the hell are you?” I ask looking him over. The first thing that captures my attention is his eyes. They’re light blue with green swirls, but more than that he looks at me like he knows all my secrets.

  We stare at each other for a beat, taking each other in.

  My best friend, Laura, starts to laugh.

  Neither of us speaks, yet I’ve never felt so in tune with someone. “I said I’m going to marry you one day.” He shrugs as though it’s something you say daily. “Just thought we should meet before the wedding.”

  I smirk, and take a sip of my beer. “You’re pretty sure of this, huh?”

  “Well, I’m sure that I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you before,” his smile grows, and mine does as well.

  “Oh, God,” Laura begins to laugh. She grabs her drink, downs it, and then gets up. “You should sit. I have a feeling you’re only getting started.” She pats him on the back, and heads to the dance floor.

  “Well, since we’re apparently getting married, maybe you’d like to tell me your name?” I ask.

  “Bryce Peyton. It’s a pleasure to meet you . . .” he trails off. For the first time, I catch a little glimpse of a twang, but it’s not prominent unless you’re listening closely.

  “Serenity Adams.”

  “That’s a beautiful name.”

  I shrug. Truth is, I hate my name. My parents said the minute my mother held me, she had an overwhelming sense of serenity. She also could’ve been smoking pot through her whole pregnancy, but I never understood what she meant until right now. The minute Bryce sat down I felt a sense of calm wash over me. It was like my life suddenly clicked into place. Two halves forming into a whole. He completes me and I don’t even know him.

  “So, Bryce Peyton, future husband of mine . . . what are you doing here?” I try to play indifferent, but I can’t stop looking at him. His brown hair hangs slightly into his eyes, and without permission my fingers lift and brush it to the side. I draw my hand back, embarrassed, but Bryce takes my hand in his. “Sorry,” I say, feeling awkward.

  “Don’t be.” He squeezes my hand. “Honestly.”

  “Is there any valid reason to start our predestined marriage off on a lie?” I reply playfully.

  “My roommate needed to study or more like sleep with his girlfriend, so I decided to take a walk. As I passed this bar, I felt the need to come in and see it. Then, I saw you. And I know it makes no sense, but I needed to talk to you.”

  “And here you are . . .”

  “Here we are.”

  My heart sputters as he says ‘we.’

  “Yes, we,” I smile. “Let me ask you some questions,” I play along.

  “Shoot.”

  “Are we going to be happy in our marriage?”

  Bryce takes my beer, drinks some, and puts it back in front of me. “I believe we will. You share well and I’m a giving man.”

  “Hmm,” I muse. “Do you randomly propose to girls in bars?”

  “Never.”

  Good to know, I think to myself. “And what’s your major?”

  “Architecture.”

  “Interesting,” I tap my chin. “I assume you built a lot of Legos?”

  He chuckles and I wish I didn’t enjoy the sound of it so much. “Guilty. What about you, future wife, what are your career goals, other than making me deliriously happy?”

  He’s smooth. I’ll give him that. I lean back in my chair, taking my beer with me and watching the way he studies me. Bryce’s gaze is intense, but there’s a warmth to it. I don’t know that I’ve ever had this kind of a reaction to a man before.

  I’ve been hit on plenty of times at the bar, but never wanted more than a free drink. Just the idea of him getting up and walking away makes me want to ask him to stay. However, I promised myself no boyfriends or anything like that before I graduate. There’s no way I’m screwing up my chances at med school.

  Yet, here I am, wondering what it would be like to see him again. I’m clearly nuts if his game is working.

  “I’m finishing my undergrad, but then I’ll be going to med school.”

  “Wow, a doctor. What year are you in now?”

  “Junior,” I yell over the music. “I should be a Senior, but I took a year off.”

  “Well, another thing we have in common.”

  I raise my brow. Not many kids I know with ambitions like mine take a year off, but my mother was fighting cancer and I wanted to be there to help. Once she was out of treatment, I dove headfirst into school.

  “You took a gap year?” I ask.

  Bryce grins. “Yeah. Felt I needed another year to figure my goals out. Plus, it’s a lot of schooling, huh?”

  I take a sip of my drink. “It sure is, but after is much worse. You know, that means you’ll have to accept that my job is demanding. Do you think you can handle that and still love me eternally?”

  I’m having way too much fun with this. It’s a little crazy, but I’m sure I can scare him off with this one.

  Bryce leans forward, his fingers tangle with mine, and his deep voice is filled with promise. “I guess we’re going to have to marry each other and find out.”

  If it’s possible, I just fell in love with him. I should lay off the alcohol, but instead, we spend the next hour talking and by the end of the night I know without a doubt, this is the man I’m meant to marry.

  Chapter 8

  I stand outside the door of Westin’s apartment wondering how many more bad decisions I’m going to make today. Instead of going to Allison’s room and telling her the truth, I ended up here.

  After Bryce left me standing there, I couldn’t think straight, so I grabbed my coat and rushed out.

  I drop my head back and release a deep sigh. I’m a fool. This is the last place I should be.

  The door opens. “Ren?” Westin’s voice is full of concern.

  “Hey,” I give my best attempt at a smile.

  “Why are you standing out here?” He laughs while leaning against the doorjamb.r />
  Good question. Because I was debating how to go home without looking like an idiot. “Just got here,” I lie. I’ve been standing here for more than ten minutes.

  “Okay, you coming inside or do you need to go get some sleep?” Wes asks.

  He knows me well enough to give me the out. How sad is that? I’m so fucked up in the head that I require loopholes in every part of my relationships. I need some serious therapy.

  “No, I’m coming in.” I release a nervous laugh. “I’m so beat, I can’t think straight.”

  Westin extends his arm as I enter the apartment. His high-rise building has a completely different feel than mine. Mine is an older building, where Westin’s is new and very industrial. The ductwork hangs from the ceiling, the floors are concrete and the counter is stainless steel.

  Like Westin’s exposed brick walls, I’m raw and jaded, and the mortar that holds me together is chipping.

  His arms wrap around me from behind, and I sigh. Being held right now is what I need. I close my eyes and lean my head back on his shoulder. When we’re alone, I can let my walls down just a little. It’s when we step outside the cocoon that they go back up.

  “I like when you’re this way,” Westin’s deep voice is low against my ear.

  “What way?”

  His lips touch my neck and I shiver. “Unguarded.”

  It’s easy when you’re in a bubble to pretend the world outside is a farce. I don’t have to be anything but me when we’re alone. Westin doesn’t care because our expectations are just this. When we’re together, we can give what we want to each other, and when we’re apart, we don’t have to do anything.

  “I had a long day. I need us tonight.”

  I turn, looking into his beautiful green eyes, and touch his cheek.

  “First we eat,” Westin demands. “Then you can have all the us you want.”

  Westin kisses my lips before releasing me. He heads into the kitchen that never gets used, except to heat up pizza or some other kind of takeout, and smiles.

  “Are you going to keep me in suspense?” he asks.