You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  Oh, God, did he hear about my breakdown in the bathroom? Does it say on my forehead: Hot mess. Ex-fiancé is back in town.

  “About?”

  He shakes his head and then places the plate in front of me. “Your day . . .”

  “Oh.” I shrug. “It was . . . hard.”

  That’s the understatement of the year.

  Westin grabs his pizza and watches me. I’ve never held back on this stuff with him. We both share our days freely, but I don’t know that I should. If he finds out about Bryce’s wife, I don’t know what he’ll say. Or maybe I do, and that’s why I haven’t said a word.

  “Ren, what’s going on?” he pushes.

  Fuck. I’m doing a really bad job at keeping my feelings off my face. I need to tell him something.

  “I had to remove a patient from the trial,” I explain. Lindsay was a difficult part, so I start there.

  Oh, by the way, the guy that has had me a complete mess for the last seventeen years is back, his wife is my patient, and basically told me that she’ll refuse all the normal treatment if the trial doesn’t work. Plus, I’m dying inside.

  “For?”

  I tell him about her cancer and the scans. The whole point of the trial is to see if this can avoid a hysterectomy. If I have to remove her uterus and ovaries, there’s nothing to test.

  He leans against the counter in front of me. His green eyes vary from inquisitive to concerned. “You know you have to report this to the board, right?”

  “Yeah,” I reply hesitantly.

  “Losing her from the trial adjusts your ratio. I’m saying that you have to keep your information correct. If you lose another patient, they could shut it all down until you have the numbers back.”

  My head falls along with my heart. I didn’t even think about that. If I remove Allison from the trial as well, I could be forced to postpone the entire thing. All those other patients would be affected by that. It could mean they lose their chance and I don’t know when I would be able to start it again.

  Is everyone else’s life more important than just finding a way to deal with Allison?

  Can I really not handle this, or am I being stupid?

  I rest my elbow on the island with my head in my hand. “I can’t lose this trial,” I admit.

  He rubs my back. “I know, and maybe it won’t be a big deal, but in order to prove the results, you have to have the numbers. You barely qualified for this stage of the trial because of the woman who dropped out.”

  God, I didn’t even think about that. The first stage of the trial was a success and showed enough promise to push to the next, but there are minimums for patient numbers and I’m right at that number for phase three. If I lose Allison too, I don’t know what it’ll mean for the whole thing.

  I look up at him, hoping he has the answers I need. “What if I lose another patient? One of the patients, Allison, is possibly dropping out. I’m waiting on her scans to determine if she qualifies. So if I lose her, then what?”

  Westin runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t know, it would really depend. I’m just giving you a heads-up. I would do whatever I could to keep the rest in the trial.”

  This could change everything. It’s bigger than me, Bryce, and Allison. It’s about the families of patients who are hoping this could save a future they envisioned. My former love life shouldn’t destroy their chances.

  I’m not really in love with Bryce. He’s married and I have a life now. It’s been years. I’m strong enough to put my emotions aside to help Allison. Not to mention, this trial is life or death for her. I don’t want her to die. I don’t want any of my patients to die, but I really don’t want her to die.

  And Bryce was right, I don’t know her. I’m not treating a friend or a family member, she’s the wife of a guy I was once in love with. I don’t know if that’s really an ethical violation, but if anyone finds out, it could be viewed as one. It’s a risk—a big one. I feel a pit in my stomach that’s growing with each second. Letting her out is what I should do, but then I think of the other patients.

  They need me to be stronger than some woman who can’t put aside her bullshit.

  And Allison needs me. She came to me for treatment and that’s what I’m going to give her. I’ll give her the best medical attention I can and ignore the man who used to look at me with loving eyes.

  This trial is everything that matters.

  My entire life has led to this one point, and I won’t allow the man who I haven’t been able to get out of my heart derail me.

  Westin’s hand brushes against my cheek. “You there?”

  “It’s been a long day,” I say while taking his hand in mine.

  He nods. “Do you need to forget, Serenity?”

  The deep timbre of his voice sends shivers down my spine. Westin may not be the man I loved and have been trying to forget, but he’s the one in front of me. He’s real, he cares, and he’s here.

  I do want to forget it all. I want to go back twenty-four hours to when Westin and I were in my apartment, tearing each other’s clothes off to exorcise our demons together. No judgment or expectations, just us.

  “No talking, Wes.” I rise and stare into his emerald eyes. “No emotions. Not tonight. I know earlier . . .”

  He places his fingers over my mouth. “No talking. No explanations.”

  The hunger swirls in his gaze. He knows exactly what I’m asking for and he’s going to give me everything I need.

  I walk through the doors of the hospital with purpose. I’ll get through Lindsay’s surgery, and explain to Bryce that he’s to stay away from me if he wants me to treat his wife at all.

  It’s the only option I have if I want to keep my trial. My heart doesn’t matter in this, only medicine does.

  “Ren?” Bryce’s throaty voice calls me.

  I can’t avoid him even when I’m trying.

  He extends a cup of coffee and his lips tilt up in a tentative smile. I don’t want a peace offering. I want him gone so I can go back to pretending I don’t have a heart. It was easier that way. My life was clear and concise, not muddled with feelings that make me vulnerable.

  “I’m fine,” I say, rejecting his offer of coffee.

  “Right. I’m not trying to bribe you,” he explains.

  I shake my head with a grin. “If that was your idea of a bribe, you’ve got a lot to learn.”

  He chuckles once. “Yeah, I just . . .”

  “Thank you,” I say and extend my hand. If he’s going to be nice, there’s no reason for me to be rude. I’m sure it took a lot for him to come to me like this. It’s not easy when one person holds the keys to your happiness. I know this all too well.

  I remember when my mother’s doctor was abrupt and unwilling to offer us even a little hope.

  “I’m not sure how you take your coffee anymore, but I went with memory.”

  “I appreciate it.” I take a sip and hold my reaction.

  Bryce remembered exactly how I take my coffee. Time may have passed, but this one moment shows that I wasn’t a blip on his screen. Although it changes nothing for either of us.

  “So did you think about what I said?”

  It’s all I’ve thought about. There are so many variables and I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.

  I release a low sigh, feeling the anxiety boiling inside me. “I have a patient who was removed from the trial and I need to operate. I really wanted to think through this before I made my decision, because you and I know this is messy.”

  He scratches the stubble on his face. “It doesn’t have to be. We’re not the same people anymore, Ren. It isn’t like we’re having an affair. I’m asking you to be her doctor. To save someone who hasn’t done a damn thing wrong in this situation.” He steps closer and I move back. “I’m not . . .”

  Being this close to him stirs the pain I’ve tried so hard to bury. “Please step back,” I request. “If you want me to pretend we don’t know each other, you have to do the
same. Your wife being my patient is a complication, and we both—”

  “Dr. Adams,” Westin’s voice stops me from speaking.

  Jesus Christ.

  My stomach drops as he approaches. “Pretend you don’t know me other than as Allison’s doctor,” I whisper to Bryce.

  Westin comes to the side of me and extends his hand. “I’m Dr. Grant, nice to meet you.”

  Bryce looks at me and then back at Wes. “Bryce Peyton,” he says as he shakes Westin’s hand.

  “Bryce’s wife is one of my trial patients,” I explain. “We were discussing the process.”

  “Well, you’re in great hands, Dr. Adams is the best.” Westin gives me a grin. “There’s no one like her.”

  Bryce clears his throat. “Good to know.”

  The contrast between the two men is striking.

  Westin is tall, lean, with green eyes that you can get lost in. He’s got lighter hair and keeps a constant short scruff that I love. There is no doubt about his confidence. Each smile is effortless and real.

  Whereas Bryce is more muscular and darker. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and I can see how tired he is. The energy around him is different, harsher. But when those blue eyes are on me, I can’t breathe.

  “I need to check on my patients,” I say with a nervous laugh. “I’ll check on your wife, Mr. Peyton, and we can go over the information later on.”

  Bryce’s eyes narrow slightly and then he nods. “Okay.”

  He walks away, and Westin wraps his arms around my middle. “Sorry I had to run out this morning. I got a call in the middle of the night and didn’t want to wake you.”

  I don’t know when he left, but I didn’t really think much of it. It happens often for the two of us. It’s part of being a doctor, and my mind was elsewhere. “It’s fine.”

  I try not to feel uncomfortable with him once again initiating a public display of affection, but I set this tone. Me going to his house last night was what I needed, and I still want to move forward, give more of myself to him.

  The feeling that we’re being watched overcomes me. My chest grows tight and I turn my gaze to see what is causing my unease. As I scan the room I realize Bryce is still here, and find his eyes trained on the two of us. His fists are clenched at his side as he sees me in Westin’s embrace. It would appear to anyone watching that we’re a couple.

  Maybe this is exactly what I need him to see. I don’t want him to know I’ve spent the last fourteen years thinking about what we could’ve been. He needs to believe I moved on.

  I move my fingers up Westin’s arms and hold onto the back of his neck.

  “Are you going to take a day off this week?” Westin asks. “We could try to get away for the weekend . . .”

  I don’t like myself for playing any sort of game, but I need to protect my own heart right now.

  “I don’t know, I think I’m going to visit my dad and brother.”

  Westin’s face falls slightly. I glance back over to see Bryce walking away. I watch as he disappears around the corner and then I step back.

  What the hell am I doing?

  I’m out of my fucking mind. I need to get out of here and fix myself.

  “Just let me know if you change your mind.”

  There’s no way I can stick around Chicago. Besides, my family is why I’m in this mess to begin with.

  Chapter 9

  Sixteen Years Earlier

  “My father wants me to go to Rice University, which is where he went,” Bryce informs me as we lie on the couch, curled up after watching a movie.

  “Where is that?”

  “Houston.”

  I sit up. “Houston? But that’s so far.”

  He gives me a reassuring smile. “It is, but I’m not going there. We’re both going to Penn State.”

  I release the breath I was holding and nod. “Well, if I get in.”

  “You will.”

  I applied at the same time he did, and he already got his acceptance. There’s no reason to think I won’t get in, but still . . . I’m worried. If I don’t get accepted, I’ll have to go to either Johns Hopkins or Northwestern. Both are excellent schools and offer what I want, but Penn State is where Bryce will be.

  “We should discuss the options.”

  He pulls me back down so I’m lying on his chest. “We don’t need to, because we’ll work it out. If you go to Johns Hopkins, we’ll be close, Northwestern is the only one that would be hard.”

  “But we’d make it work?”

  “I’d make anything work if it means I have you.”

  I rub my fingers across his lips. “You say the sweetest things.”

  “I say only what I mean.”

  I love him. I love him more than I’ve ever known was possible. He makes me so damn happy, and I now understand why my mother does what she does for my father. I used to think they were crazy in their devotion to each other, but here I am.

  Maybe it’s because he’s my first love, but I don’t think that’s the case.

  I think it’s because Bryce is the other half of my soul.

  “What would you do to keep me?” I ask playfully.

  He looks away as he makes a humming sound. “Well, first, I’d have to kill any man who tried to take you away.”

  “How could I ever love anyone else now that I’ve known what loving you is like?”

  “Good answer, Chick.”

  I groan at the stupid nickname. “Stop with that.”

  “What? It’s cute. You’re like a little chick.”

  Did I say I love him? Because right now I’d like to choke him. “I’m going to find something you hate and torture you with it.”

  He laughs and then brings his lips to mine. “You could try.”

  “I swear, you make me crazy.”

  “In the best way.”

  I wish I could deny it, but that would be a lie. We’ve been together for nearly two years now and each day just gets better. I never thought that a chance meeting my junior year would lead to me finding the only man I want to be with.

  In my heart, I know there is no one else who will ever love me like Bryce does. There’s not another soul that could make me feel like the world is full of color and life. He will forever be the only person for me, and I know this.

  It’s why I will do everything I can to hold onto him.

  A love like this is worth fighting for.

  “You know I love you,” I tell him as my fingers rub his chest.

  “I do and I love you . . . until my last breath.”

  I smile and then kiss him. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  “Hey,” his voice is soft and comforting, “I won’t let you lose me.”

  “Don’t you think we’re being naïve?”

  “There is not another human on this planet who will ever love you the way that I do, Serenity. You’re all I want and all I need. If that makes us naïve, then I don’t want clarity. We love each other and one day, you’ll be my wife. You will be the mother of my children, and we’re going to make this work, no matter what it takes.”

  “The idea of not having you . . .”

  “It’s not a possibility.” And then his lips touch mine once more, sealing his promise with a kiss.

  Chapter 10

  “What the hell, Everton?” I ask as I look around the house I grew up in.

  It’s absolutely disgusting. There are plates piled up, cigarette butts lying around in soda cans, and the floor has a layer of filth on it. In all the years we’ve had this home, it’s never looked like this. My mother would be rolling in her grave if she saw this.

  “You don’t get to judge.”

  “Judge what? This is nasty! You’re supposed to be taking care of Dad and the house. How is this okay? Seriously, Ev, I know you’re a lazy asshole, but this is insane.”

  Everton huffs and walks into the other room. My brother has always been a slob, but I didn’t think I’d walk into this. I march into the living roo
m where he sits on the couch about to light up a cigarette. I rip it from his mouth before he lights it and break it in half.

  “What the fuck?” he yells.

  “You’re out of your damn mind. Mom died of cancer and you’re smoking? In the house with Dad?” I tack on. “Dad, who had a cancer scare a few years ago? Not to mention what I do for a living. This is reckless and inconsiderate, even for you. What are you doing with the money I send every month?”

  He rolls his eyes and grabs another cigarette from the pack, which enrages me. “Go to hell, Serenity.”

  When he lifts a hand to light his cigarette, I lose it. I grab the whole pack from his hand and run to the kitchen. I hear him behind me so I quickly throw it in the sink and run the water.

  “Bitch!” he bellows. “You come here after six months of being in your fancy life and think you can boss us around?”

  “My life isn’t fancy, I have what I have because I work! I work every single day, unlike you. Damn it, I thought you had things under control!” I run my hand down my face. “Where’s Daddy?”

  He rolls his eyes and grabs a beer from the fridge. “Find him yourself. You’re good at working.”

  My brother storms out of the room, slamming the front door, which causes me to jump. I can’t believe the selfishness that comes from him. I bust my ass to send them money each month. I know my father’s medical condition has made it difficult to keep the business afloat. It’s hard to work on bikes when your fingers cramp all the time. I’m so sick of trying to save people who aren’t willing to help themselves.

  Regardless of my brother’s issues, I can’t allow the house to stay this way. My father isn’t a young man, and his lungs can’t handle breathing this in daily.

  I spend some time doing the best I can to make it livable. I throw in a load of laundry, strip my father’s bed, open the windows and try to air out the smoke smell, and then order groceries online. This is probably what I should’ve done from the start instead of thinking my jackass of a brother would use the money I sent correctly.

  Once I’ve done what I can, I head down the long dirt road to the shop.