You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  My parents inherited the land, and being the hippies they were, they lived off it. We have a garden with vegetables, everything runs off solar panels that backs up to a generator for the non-sunny times, and Daddy converted the old barn into a garage.

  He built it this way in case the government ever wanted to destroy us, so we could hunker down here and never leave. My parents were very weird.

  “Baby girl?” My dad comes down the dirt path, wiping his permanently black-stained hands on a rag.

  “Daddy,” I sigh with a smile. His brown eyes sparkle in the sun and happiness paints his face.

  I don’t see him nearly enough, since he’s a little over an hour’s drive from Chicago. I wish I could come more often, but it’s hard to get away from the hospital. He’s changed a bit since the last time I saw him—there’s a slight limp in his gait and more salt than pepper in his hair. It makes me realize how long it’s really been.

  “Well, isn’t this a surprise?” His smirk says more than his words.

  “I needed a break.”

  “I’m sure. It’s tough saving the world all the time. Sometimes you need to save yourself.”

  I nod, and his arm tightens around me as he pulls me to his side. “I missed you, Daddy. I’m sorry I haven’t come more. I just needed to hug you.”

  “Sure you did,” he laughs. “So, what’s got you all torn up?”

  Damn intuitive man.

  I grunt while I squeeze him harder. “Can’t a girl just miss her daddy? You persuaded me to visit on our last call.”

  There are times in life when you need the loving arms of a man who never fails you—and this is one. My father is my rock, and while that rock may be a little misshapen, he’s always honest.

  “Sure, she can, but I know bullshit when I hear it. I’ve been around a long time and you’re not very good at lying anyway.”

  Nothing gets by Mick Adams.

  “You’re so pushy.”

  We start to head back to the barn a few feet away. Dad has this way of making you feel like he’s telling you everything you need to hear in the silence. While no words are exchanged, there’s much being said. He waits with his hand on the door.

  “Well?”

  I internally groan. “Why do you think there’s anything? Why can’t it be what I said?”

  “Because I know you, baby girl. I also know you don’t come visit your old man unless something is making your head all jumbled and you need to flee. And it’s usually a boy. You’ve also always been an easy read.”

  I huff, “Gee, thanks.”

  Easy read, my ass. I fled because people suck and I’m in a no-win situation. I don’t flee because of boys. Well, okay, just the once—and then maybe a little this time. Whatever.

  He guides me to the couch that’s sat there since as long as I can remember. It’s dingy and smells like fuel, but it’s home.

  My father crouches down, lifts my chin, and tells me more with his eyes than I want to hear. “Out with it.”

  It’s time to tell him, and pray he doesn’t fly off the handle.

  “Fine. If you really want to know, I’ll tell you. It’s Bryce,” I say the name, bracing for impact.

  “What about Bryce?” My father’s tone is razor sharp. He’s never hidden his feelings about Bryce.

  “He’s back.”

  Daddy doesn’t say a word. He sits like a statue as I wait for him to speak. “Ren, you can’t . . .” He looks away. “You can’t even think about going near him.”

  “His wife is dying,” I tell him and watch the pain lance through his eyes. “He didn’t know I’d be her doctor. I didn’t know she was his wife when I accepted her in the trial. But, it’s not like there’s an option of avoiding him if I’m treating her.”

  “He’ll drag you back down. You’ll be worse than last time. You can’t treat her, it’ll kill you.”

  “Not this time.”

  Daddy doesn’t say a word. He sits like a statue as I wait for him to speak. “Ren, I’ve never liked the man.”

  “I know.”

  “He broke your heart. He made you cry for weeks. I thought you were going to kill yourself at one point.” My father stands and grips the back of his neck. “I’m telling you, being around that man is going to destroy you.”

  “I won’t let it.” I shake my head. “I won’t let it get that far again, and things are different because he’s married. That’s a line I would never cross.”

  “That’s what you think now. But do you really think you can stop your heart from feeling? Do you think you’re strong enough to battle this? Because I promise you, darling, you and Bryce are unfinished business,” Daddy pauses, giving that a minute to sink in. “Can you tell me that seeing him didn’t mess your head up enough to take a drive out here?”

  Lying to him is futile. He knows it’s not something I can do. Not because he is so vehement about being dishonest, but because I respect him more than anything. “It’s more complicated than that.”

  “No. It’s not, Serenity. All a man has is his word. If he breaks it once, he’ll do it again. He told you he loved you and would marry you, and then, when things got tough . . . he disappeared.”

  Tears threaten behind my eyes. “I’m so confused.”

  Dad inches closer and gives me the answer I came for. “Walk away.”

  Only, I don’t want to be the woman who destroys someone else’s life. Allison needs help as much as the other patients in the trial. Sure, there’s a part of me I buried long ago that is being resurrected right now, but I can handle it, right?

  I’m not that girl anymore. The one who was idealistic about love and happiness. I didn’t know true loss like I do now.

  God, I’m so conflicted about what to do.

  “Would you let Mom go without treatment that could change her life?”

  “Ren . . .” his voice is full of warning. “You can’t compare that.”

  “I can, because if I don’t treat her, she loses. He married her and loves her. I know the stakes, Dad. I’m not that same girl who lost it years ago. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. He can’t hurt me. I know the rules.”

  “Emotions don’t play by the rules.”

  “Neither do you.” I smirk, hoping he’ll let this drop now.

  He laughs and nods. He knows I’m right. I don’t think the man has ever played fair. He fights hard, loves harder, and is the most honorable person I know. “Rules were never my thing. It seems you’re more like your old man than I hoped. If you were like your mother, you’d do the right thing.”

  “Mom wouldn’t want me to let someone innocent suffer. She’d push me to be stronger than I think I am. If this woman was anyone else, I’d have no issue with treating her. But because seventeen years ago I fell in love with her husband, now she can’t have a chance? It’s not right.”

  Daddy places his hand on my leg. “Your mother was too sweet for her own good. I just hope it’s not your life that’s ruined. You are strong, I know that, but you have a bleeding heart, exactly like her, and that gets you in trouble. I think it’s telling, based on how you live your life.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means you’re a fantastic doctor. You let people come and go without an attachment. You live alone and your boyfriend of the last two years has never met a single person in your life other than people you work with. You’ve closed yourself off from any chance of loving and losing. We both know that when you love, you don’t hold back.”

  I don’t want to hear any more. He, of all people, should understand why I’ve lived this way. He lives up in this run-down house in the middle of nowhere with my brother. His friends who once swarmed this garage aren’t around anymore. When Mom died, so did he.

  “Are we done for now?” I ask. I came here for clarity but that’s the last thing I feel right now. I need to stop with this conversation before I say something I’ll regret.

  Dad looks at me for a minute and lets out a deep breath. “Why don’t
you come help me with this alternator since your brother is no help these days?” My father’s arm wraps around my shoulder as we head into the bay.

  Which reminds me, we need to talk about their living conditions. “Daddy, the house . . .”

  “You were up there?”

  The shame in my father’s eyes brings me to my knees. The last thing I ever want to see is his pain. At the same time, this is completely unacceptable. My brother is clearly too inept to handle running the house, but being a doctor and living just over an hour away doesn’t put me in the best position to pitch in.

  “Yes,” I pause and he looks away. “Where’s the service I set up to clean the house?”

  “I fired them.”

  “Dad! Why?”

  He shakes his head with his lips pursed, the anger growing in his features. “I don’t need strangers coming in here to clean your mother’s house.”

  “Mom is gone, Daddy. She’s gone and you can’t live like that.”

  My father is a proud man, I understand that, but he can’t do this all on his own. The farm was paid off when I was a kid, then my mother got sick. He mortgaged the house, shop, land, and anything else we had to pay for her treatments. Of course, he was so desperate to get cash to help his dying wife, he was completely taken advantage of.

  Deep in debt, my father has to keep the garage running overtime or there’s nothing to pay the bills, plus he has to run the farm single-handedly without my mom. I send what I can, but Chicago isn’t exactly a cheap city to live in.

  “I appreciate your help, but I’m doing fine.”

  “Fine?” I lean back with my arms crossed. “You think that was fine?”

  “You’re not living here, what do you care?”

  I blow out a loud breath. Why are men so damn hardheaded? “Because I love you, Daddy.”

  “I love you too, baby girl. Are we done now?”

  We’re not anywhere close to done. All he’s done with is fighting back without offering a solution. I’ll be the one who gets things in motion—as always. The two of them will screw up and it’ll be my burden to fix it all again.

  “For now.” I pat his back.

  “Help me with that car, would you?” Dad extends an olive branch.

  “Sure.” I smile and walk over to my tool chest.

  My father and I used to spend hours in this shop. So much that he had to get me my own set of tools because I was working so much. In here I let myself just be, no thoughts of ex- boyfriends, no pain and suffering, only my dad and me.

  We dive headfirst into the alternator that’s busted, arguing about what we believe the problem is. Fixing cars is much different from being a doctor. It’s mechanics so there’s no guessing. I can take apart an engine and know that it’ll go back the same way. It’s mind-numbing, but it feels good to just zone out that way.

  Once the car is running again, I clean up a little, feeling much more at peace.

  I lean my hip against the front end, pull my phone out, and sigh. Three missed calls from the hospital. I listen to the voicemails, thankful it’s nothing life-threatening. However, I need to get back to the city.

  “You leaving?” Dad asks as I put my phone in my back pocket.

  “Yeah, I need to get back.” I look down at my ruined clothes. “And shower. However, I’m calling a housekeeper tonight and you’re going to let them clean the house.”

  He opens his mouth but I lift my hand to stop him.

  “And, you’re going to tell Everton if he smokes in the house again, I’m going to beat the shit out of him. No more, Dad. I’m serious. You can’t breathe that in.” I point at his chest. “Years of dirt, exhaust, and all the other crap has done a number on your lungs. If Ev wants to kill himself, that’s on him. There’s also food coming, and you need to eat it, which means no junk food! Open some windows too, you need fresh air. Oh, and you need to take your pills. There’s a reason the doctor is prescribing them.”

  “Okay, fine,” he acquiesces.

  The changing roles of adulthood are impossible to grasp. This would’ve been a lecture I heard as a teenager. Don’t smoke, don’t let others influence your life, clean up, eat right . . . and now I’m the one telling him.

  “You’re not just agreeing so I’ll let it drop?”

  “Go back to the city and save people,” he chuckles as he guides me toward my car.

  “I worry about you,” I say as I get to the door.

  Now, even more than I did before. I’m going to have to find a way to be around more. I need to be there for my dad. My brother also needs a kick in the ass.

  “You don’t need to worry, Ren. I’m fine.”

  The house was not fine, none of this is, but I also see the finality in his eyes. He’s done talking, so now I need to make my plans and hope he follows them.

  As I open my door, I can feel the turmoil coming from him. He may be done with listening to me, but Daddy isn’t done talking.

  “I gotta say this to you,” he coughs. I knew he couldn’t keep it in. “I loved you the moment I saw you. I wanted a boy so much, but the second you came out, I felt it. Your mother felt it.”

  “Felt what?”

  “Peace.”

  He’s never hidden the fact that when I entered his world, I changed it. He used to say that having children is when you realize nothing you knew in life was true. My brother and I altered him to his core, we made him more.

  I always wanted to know what that was like, until I didn’t have someone I wanted to share it with anymore.

  “You have this power inside you that you don’t see. You save people. You repair them. You helped me. My point is this.” He lets out a heavy breath. “Don’t ever allow someone else the power to break you. The man you love, the one you share your heart with, should always treat it with care. He shouldn’t forsake it.”

  “Daddy,” I start, but his hand raises, stopping me.

  “No, listen to this if you hear nothing else I’ve said.” He releases a deep breath. “There are different kinds of love. The kind that saves you and the kind that breaks you. Bryce wasn’t the saving kind. He stole a part of you and you’ve never gotten it back.”

  My father made his mind up about Bryce a long time ago. No matter how many times I told him he was wrong, it didn’t matter. I was his baby, and someone hurt me. Fathers are supposed to protect their little girls, and he couldn’t mend my broken heart, no matter how he tried.

  I never told him the full story about why I left, partially because I knew he’d tell me I was a fool.

  We all were.

  I came home for him and my mother, even though they told me not to.

  I also lied about not getting into Penn State . . .

  I nod, unsure what to say because I’m still not ready to share my truths. “Thank you, Dad. For everything.”

  “Anytime. You know I’m here.”

  “I do.”

  “Good, drive safe. I’ll be expecting you before another six months go by.” He gives a pointed look. “And be careful, Ren.”

  I grip the wheel a little tighter, knowing he’s not talking about the drive home.

  Chapter 11

  I park my car in the underground garage and lean my head against the seat rest. The things I thought were working in my life are now riddled with flaws.

  My brother is clearly not taking care of my father.

  There’s still a piece of me that loves Bryce even though I’ve deluded myself into believing there wasn’t. Just the thought of him makes my heart race, my palms sweat, and I wonder what it all could’ve been like if I had gone to Penn State. Everything would’ve been different. We could’ve been happy, but our lives went in opposite directions and now I’m treating his wife because I have no choice unless I want to lose my trial or another candidate applies, is accepted, and gets up to Chicago by today. After talking to my father, I know I’m in over my head.

  And then there’s Wes, none of this is fair to him. I care about him, I want to want a future
with him, but Bryce being back . . . complicates things.

  It’s not simply raining on my parade, it’s an entire ecosystem failure.

  Julie: Want to go out tonight? I’m off and I need vodka.

  Vodka sounds like a great idea.

  Me: Yes. Where?

  Julie: How about we go to Rich’s pub? Low-key and you know we can get a sucker to buy us drinks.

  Me: Perfect.

  I have two missed calls from Westin, but I don’t feel like talking to him. Right now, I want some space from my life. Westin, Bryce, Allison, the trial, my worthless brother, and everything else can disappear for a night. Monday starts the actual distribution of the chemo, and I decide I deserve a weekend for just me.

  The next few hours pass with a text from Westin that goes unanswered, and I don’t even have the energy to give a shit right now. The last thing I need is to say something stupid and really screw up things. Usually on our weekends off, we spend them together, but there’s nothing left inside of me to pretend today.

  I walk down to Rich’s, needing the atmosphere that always grounds me. It’s a hole in the wall place, but the bartender is generous with the alcohol, and it’s cheap. When you’re a broke med student, cheap is your favorite word. But it’s become so much more than a dive bar. It’s my favorite place for advice I don’t ask for, and it has the best burgers in Chicago.

  “Hey!” Julie smiles and pulls me in for a hug. “You look like you need a drink.”

  “I do.”

  She smirks. “Good. Let’s get drunk and you can tell me all your problems.”

  There’s not a chance of that, but the drunk part sounds good.

  We hook arms and enter.

  “Trouble one and two are here,” Rich, the owner, yells as he slaps the bar top.

  “What a welcome,” Julie laughs. “I knew you missed us.”

  Rich comes around, hugs us both and then wipes two barstools. “Sit, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

  Rich is a character. He’s probably pushing seventy now, but you’d never know it from the way he moves around. He and his wife bought this place when they were in their twenties and have survived through it all. Each patron that walks in becomes family, and he loves his family.