You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  “We are. We’re going to eat shit food, watch a movie, and pretend for a few hours that our lives aren’t serious all the time.”

  I nod once. “Okay then. I can get with this.”

  We get to our seats and I sink in, ready for the movie. I’m suddenly overcome with gratitude and regret for being so stupid these last few years. Westin is real, he’s here, and he cares about me.

  Comparing what we have to what I had with anyone else isn’t fair. In all honesty, I’m dumb for wanting what I had before. Bryce broke me just as much as he claims I broke him when we lost each other. I don’t want to endure that again.

  My hand covers Westin’s, wanting to have some kind of physical connection. His eyes meet mine and my heart begins to race a little. “Thank you for this, Wes.”

  “You’re welcome. Today has been long overdue.”

  If I gave myself permission to move on, it could happen. Even as crazy as our lives are, we could be happy . . . if I wanted to be. If there’s anyone who’s going to be the one to get through, it’s him.

  Thankfully, the lights dim, stopping the conversation before it gets intense. The movie is terrible. I mean, absolutely ridiculous and not scary at all. Throughout the entire thing, we both make comments, laugh, and throw popcorn at each other.

  It’s the most fun I’ve had in far too long.

  “How could anyone think that movie was even halfway decent?” I ask as we walk out of the theater.

  His fingers link with mine and he pulls me against his side. “I have no idea, but I’m glad you had to suffer along with me.”

  I grin while looking in his eyes. “Whatever. I only suffered because it was so bad.”

  He laughs. “I liked how you squeaked when you got scared and grabbed my arm.”

  “I didn’t get scared! Also, I don’t squeak.”

  “I’m pretty sure I heard you.”

  I giggle and nudge him. “I think you need your hearing checked.”

  “Know any good doctors?” Westin smirks as I stare up at him.

  “Funny.”

  He leans down and kisses the top of my head. “Cute.” Suddenly, he stops, grabs an empty box of popcorn, and tosses it in the trash. “I hate when people don’t clean up after themselves.”

  I feel my lips turn up into a warm smile. Here’s a guy who lives in a very expensive loft, has money for days, but still stops to pick up someone’s trash.

  “Sweet,” I mutter aloud. I release his hand and hold onto his arm as we head toward Millennium Park.

  As we walk, Westin tells me about his meeting with the chief and his hopes to get the position. Then we switch topics and he brings up a case he has that has him a little stumped. I love listening to his passion as he talks about his hopes to find a way to help his patient.

  “I have faith you’ll find a way,” I tell him.

  “You do, huh?”

  “I do. If there’s anyone who won’t give up, it’s you,” I laugh.

  Westin wraps his arms around me and starts to tickle me. I squirm in his grasp, but I can’t stop myself from giggling. I’m ridiculously ticklish. He stops, but doesn’t let go.

  We stand here, in front of the park entrance, and he looks down at me with adoration in his green eyes. “I’m only relentless on things that matter.”

  “I’m glad you are.”

  “Are you?”

  I nod.

  “Well,” he taps my nose. “I’m gl—” He’s cut off when a bike zooms past us and he grabs me closer, tight against his body. My pulse spikes, as it was a close call. Wes looks down at me. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I smile. “Thanks to you.”

  When I’m around Westin I feel a sense of safety in a sea of uncertainty. He holds the rudder, keeping us on course. He doesn’t control me, but he comforts me. I can relax. I can breathe.

  We continue walking, with me clutching his arm as we reach the famous Chicago bean, where tons of people are milling around, snapping selfies and smiling. Westin and I love coming here during our days off. It’s a fun area where we can be normal people.

  His arm wraps around my shoulder and I burrow into him. It’s freaking cold out.

  “I like this, Ren.”

  I look up with curiosity. “Freezing our asses off?”

  He laughs. “No, being like this.”

  My heart starts to race as he moves back to this topic. I knew it was coming, but I don’t know what I’ll say if he pushes. There’s a part of me that’s ready to move on with my life and another part that’s definitely not.

  I’m terrified to love anyone else. In my experience, the people I love leave or die. They let me go, and I don’t want to think about it right now. I want to enjoy this little slice of heaven that Westin has given me.

  “Let’s not talk about it tonight. Please.” I close my eyes. “I’ve had the best day with you and I don’t want to ruin it.”

  “I’m not saying I want us to get married or any of that shit, but I want—” I place my fingertips on his lips to stop him.

  “Tomorrow we can talk about it. But I want to enjoy tonight with no heavy stuff.”

  He pulls his jacket around us both with his chin on top of my head. “One day you’re going to have to give in and move on.”

  I inhale his clean scent, rubbing my ice-cold nose against his chest. “Why do we have to change things?”

  Westin pulls back, takes my face in his hands, and sighs. “Because I watch people die every day. I see regret in their eyes and I don’t want that with us. It’s been two years, and I’ve been a patient man. You’ve got issues with love, and I get that, but I’m not him, Serenity. I’m not the guy that fucked your head up. I’ve been the guy who held you when you cried, supported you, and if you don’t see that we’re more than fuck buddies . . . I don’t know what else to say.”

  My stomach sinks as the truth in his words sink in. I open my mouth to speak, but Westin silences me before I can say a word. His lips press against mine and he kisses me with so much passion my head spins.

  I hold his wrists as his tongue enters my mouth, sliding against my tongue and stealing my breath.

  He pulls back and I pant. “Westin, I want . . .”

  “What do you want?”

  You. Us. This. I think. But fear holds me back and I hate myself for it. “I want us to try, but I’m afraid.”

  He pulls me back to his chest, forcing me to look up at him with so much warmth in his eyes I could cry. “I’m a desirable doctor that many women would like to date.”

  There is no doubt about that. “I know.”

  “I can’t waste time if you’re never going to come around.”

  “I’m not saying never. I’m not even saying I haven’t now.”

  Westin’s phone dings and he grins looking down at the text.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Nothing.”

  “Everything okay?”

  He shrugs. “Yeah, it was one of the nurses letting me know something.”

  Something Julie asked me floats around in my head, sending a jolt of jealousy through me. What if Westin is seeing someone else? As of right now, I don’t have a right to care. I was deluding myself before to think I really wouldn’t be upset.

  A violin starts to play “Radioactive” and we both start to dance a little. Here wrapped up in each other’s arms, in the middle of the park, the two of us sway to the music.

  This song is fitting—most days I feel radioactive. As if I’m a dangerous chemical that’s ready to blow at any point, poisoning those around me.

  The song shifts after about thirty seconds, where suddenly drums, a guitar, and a keyboard start playing the next song, which is a much more upbeat melody.

  Our arms fall, as we both look around to see a hoard of dancers moving in, and they’re all synchronized.

  “Holy shit!” I look around as the batches of flash mob dancers head into the center joining in. “It’s a flash mob! I’ve never seen one and I’ve always
wanted to.”

  “I knew you were upset that you missed the one in the hospital.” He leans down, kisses my cheek, and heads into the mob, leaving me stunned.

  The music is loud, phones are in the air, and Westin is out there, dancing in perfect time with them. The song changes again, but he doesn’t miss a beat. I can’t believe this. How did I not know Westin dances in a flash mob? My smile is so wide, it’s hurting my face, but I can’t take my eyes off him. He continues through two more songs before it ends. The crowd around me starts to clap and everyone starts to disperse.

  I rush over to him, grab his hand, and pull him away.

  “That was . . .” I shake my head with wide eyes. “I mean, you do flash mobs! How? When? You were amazing!”

  He chuckles as we move out of the way.

  “How long have you been doing these?”

  “Only when I can. Remember the eight-year-old with the brain tumor last year?”

  My smile falls as the child’s sweet face fills my memory. He was adorable, with the biggest smile I’d ever seen. Westin was absolutely devastated when he lost him. I’d never seen him so broken after a surgery.

  “I do.” I take his hand.

  “Well, he loved flash mobs, he’d watch them for hours on YouTube, so I found a group that does them, and started learning. We had the one in the hospital for him, and then I kept finding ways to practice.”

  My heart grows to ten times its size. I can’t believe he has the time to do this, but the reason he learned is what touches me so deeply.

  “I’m speechless, Wes.”

  He grins. “It’s a lot of fun, and something that reminds me of him. I’ll never forget that kid, but when I dance, it’s all smiles and good memories.”

  The feel of Westin’s skin against mine warms me to my core. “I never knew about this.”

  Westin’s hand touches my cheek. “There’s a lot you don’t know, Ren. Things I want to share with you. All you have to do is say yes.”

  “I literally don’t know what to say. You blow me away.”

  “In a good way?” Westin grins.

  “Yes,” I laugh at the silly look on his face. “In a very good way.”

  “How so?”

  I pull myself closer to his chest, loving the way I fit with him in this moment. We’ve had the best night, and I want many more like this, and like the ones we’ve always had. The nights with my feet tucked into his lap as we chart. The times when we’re so exhausted we just collapse into bed without needing to explain.

  “You make me want more. I can’t promise I won’t pull back, but I can’t imagine my life without you, either. Next weekend, I need to go back up to my father’s house and make sure things are okay. Would you like to come?”

  His head tilts to one side as if I’m a conundrum he’s trying to solve. It’s as if he’s seeing me for the first time. My stomach tightens as he watches me.

  “Is that a yes?” I ask after the intensity starts to worry me.

  “I’m not known for chasing a woman. You make me want to run . . .” I open my mouth, but he stops me. “Not away though, Serenity, but to you. So, yes, I’d love to finally meet your father.”

  My eyes fill with tears that don’t fall. I don’t cry. I shove down the feelings he’s stirring within me. “I’ve been running from love for so long I don’t know if I can stop even if I want to,” I say, looking away. “I’ll try, but be patient with me.”

  Westin pulls me flush against him, causing my eyes to flash to his. “I’m faster than you are. I’m ready to show you.”

  “You might not catch me,” I warn.

  He may run faster in the physical sense, but I’ve been running from love for years. I’m good at it, and I don’t know that I can ever be caught.

  His lips press against my forehead and he releases me. “I might not, but it won’t be because of speed. It’ll be because of you.”

  That’s what I’m worried about.

  Westin takes a few steps back, and the cold air is like a punch to my chest. With each step, I feel his loss. This is what it will be like. Him over there and me standing here, waiting to make a move.

  I think about my father’s words about a different love. The one where I wouldn’t be left in the pits of hell. The kind of love that Westin offers wouldn’t take anything from me. I watch him retreat, and think about the tightness in my chest increasing as he moves farther back.

  Can I let him go and stand here, watching him leave me?

  My feet are becoming one with the cement, and I’m making the choice to stay.

  As he takes another step backward, I know what I have to do. I have to break the chains of fear and go to him.

  He’s right for me.

  He’s good for me.

  Westin is who I want to build a future with.

  It’s as if the moment I made the choice, the ground became a cloud, helping me get to him. I close the distance, wrap my arms around him, and hold on tight. Life goes on around us, but time stands still. It’s as if what’s been broken inside of me for so long just healed a little. The hole may never be filled, but Westin can patch it. Every part of me knows what I want. There’s no hesitation in my heart. He’s the right man for me, and I have to get closure so I can fully move on.

  Chapter 13

  Fifteen Years Earlier

  “I got in!” I yell as I rush into Bryce’s arms. “I got in!”

  “I knew you would.”

  God, this is such a relief. I got into Penn State and now we can solidify our plans. It’ll all work out. I feel like I can breathe.

  “I’m glad you were confident.”

  Bryce shakes his head. “You’re insanely smart, got into Yale, Northwestern, and UCLA, so . . . yeah . . . I was confident.”

  “None of those are where I wanted to go though, that’s what you’re missing.”

  UCLA was never a real option, but my professor urged me to apply. Yale was an option if he was going to Cornell, but we both wanted Penn State. Now, we have it.

  “We have dinner tonight,” Bryce reminds me.

  “Shit. I have to study.”

  “Chick, not tonight.”

  I really can’t blow this biology final off. There’s a reason I got into every school I applied to—because I work my ass off. He is the only thing I do outside of school.

  “Can we please do it another day?”

  “No.”

  I groan and cross my arms. “Why are you being so rigid?”

  “Because today is important.”

  Worry starts to creep in. Is it his birthday? No, that’s in three months. Our anniversary? No, that just passed. What the hell is important about today?

  “Why?”

  He rolls his eyes and then kisses me. “It is, go get ready.”

  We are clearly not going to come to an understanding here, and today is a day for celebrating, I guess. I’ll study once he goes to sleep.

  I rush out of the room and do as he says. I shower quickly, shave my legs, and look for something cute to wear. Once I’m all dressed and ready, I come out to see him in a suit.

  Bryce looks really freaking good in a suit.

  “Who . . .”

  He grins and his eyes roam my body. “Whoa yourself.” Slowly, he rises to his feet and stands before me. His hands cup my face as though I’m a delicate flower and then his lips touch mine.

  The kiss is slow, sweet, and has my heart pounding.

  When he kisses me like this, it feels like everything disappears and all that exists in the world is Bryce and me.

  He does that to me. When we’re together, I’m not afraid of anything. I know that he’ll be here to hold me up. My hands grip his shoulders as our lips move together.

  Has anyone ever felt this breathless and cared for?

  With my eyes closed, I take everything in. The way his cologne fills my nose, the musky notes giving a slight burn. How the fabric of his jacket is rough against my fingertips, and how his soft, warm skin causes
my nerves to ache from his touch.

  I commit it all to memory, so I can recall it anytime I need to feel like nothing in this world can harm me.

  After another few seconds, he releases me. His forehead rests on mine. “I would die for you, Ren. Do you know that?”

  His statement makes my breath hitch. “What?”

  “If anything were to happen to us, I wouldn’t survive it.”

  “What is going on?”

  He releases a heavy sigh and steps back. “I just keep thinking about how much I love you and how it feels so intense. All I want is to hold onto us. It’s crazy, right? Do you feel it?”

  I do. It’s sometimes scary because it’s overwhelming. It’s as though nothing in this world matters as much as him, and that’s not normal. We’re only twenty-three and yet I know that he’s the one.

  “I feel it,” I say. “I love you so much sometimes that it physically hurts.”

  “Yes.”

  “And then I worried we wouldn’t be together and we’d fall apart.”

  He takes my face in his hands again. “Never.”

  I smile at that. “Good.”

  “Marry me.”

  My eyes lift to his, surely I misheard him.

  “What?”

  “Marry me, Serenity.” Then, Bryce drops to his knees. He holds my hand and pulls a box from his pants pocket. “I planned to do this at dinner, where I would tell you everything in my heart. You see, there is no one else for me. I found you that night and I knew that what we had was special. I told you that one day you’d be my wife, and I meant it then and I mean it now. Marry me. Be my wife. Let’s have a hundred kids. Marry me, Chick. Be my everything—until my last breath.”

  I can’t see his face as the tears are streaming down. I drop to my knees and wrap my arms around him. “Yes. Yes! Yes!”

  And then, neither of us really care about dinner.

  Chapter 14

  Okay, I can do this. I’m going to go in there, and do my job.

  Today starts the actual administration of the drugs. All of the patients have been tested, folders numbered, and there’s no going back now. Allison will remain a part of the trial or need to be replaced within twenty-four hours in order for the trial to proceed. Since I don’t have another patient that meets the age and stage requirements and still actually has a uterus, she’s going to remain a part of the program. Also, she deserves the treatment. I’m her doctor, I took an oath, and I’m going to try to save her, no matter who she’s married to.