You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  I push open the door to Allison Brown’s room and find her and her husband holding hands and smiling, and he stares at her the way he once looked at me. I draw in a deep breath and force a smile.

  “Good morning, Allison.” I enter the room, keeping my eyes on her. I’m with Westin now, this shouldn’t matter. “How are you feeling?”

  She looks at Bryce and then back to me. “Hopeful. I feel like maybe this is going to work and that maybe we can . . .”

  Maybe they can have a baby.

  Bryce’s eyes meet mine and I look away, hating myself for even going down that line of thinking.

  This is what is wrong with me and why I’ll never be happy. It always comes back to him.

  I follow the words on the paper, needing to do what I came in here to do without letting my ridiculous thoughts run away with me. “Well, everything looks great. Your labs are good, scans came back as we hoped, so now we’ll start to administer the medication and monitor you.” I force my gaze to hers. “Do you have any questions?”

  She nods. “I know the waiver said that there would be patients who do not receive the trial dosage. Will those patients be made aware of that?”

  This is the part that is pure torture for everyone involved, but mostly for me. Knowing that two of my twenty-four patients won’t get the drugs they’re hoping for is absolutely horrible. I’ll still be treating their cancer, but if they get the placebo, they’ll most likely need a hysterectomy by month two.

  “No, as the trial paperwork stated, this is a placebo trial, meaning no one will know who has the drug and who has the placebo.” If a patient knew they were on the placebo, they’d drop out, which means it has to be a blind trial. “However, we will still be treating the cancer with traditional chemotherapy to show the difference,” I explain.

  “So she could still need a hysterectomy?” Bryce asks.

  “Yes,” I say while I nod, doing my best not to look at Allison and answer as though I don’t already know about the letter she gave me with her demands. “That’s correct, but I will be following the size of your tumor very closely. The rules state that I can’t do anything until the end of the trial, which is when I won’t hesitate to do the surgery.” I look into Allison’s tear-filled eyes.

  I stare at her, begging her with all that’s in me to understand the consequences of her actions. “I know it’s scary, but I’ve treated this type of cancer for a long time, and as much as this trial is important, you’re more important. I won’t hesitate to alert you if the tumor grows to the point that the trial is no longer relevant. We can decide then.”

  I can pretend to empathize with what she must be feeling, but I can’t, really. There’s a science behind medicine that takes out the human emotion. I work hard not to lose sight of that in dealing with my patients.

  All I can do is pray that if it really does become a life or death situation, she’ll choose life.

  “I don’t like this,” Bryce says. “I don’t understand how it’s fair. So you get to decide who gets the combo and who doesn’t?” There’s an edge to his voice I don’t appreciate.

  This is exactly what I worried about.

  If each patient received the same dosage, we’d never have a clear picture of how this combination works. I need to see comparisons of the same women receiving different drugs to make an accurate conclusion. Especially if we want this to be a viable option for other women across the world.

  “Peyton,” Allison tries to calm him.

  “No, this is completely ridiculous. We can go back to North Carolina and get the same treatment that we know will work.”

  “Allison,” I pipe in, but get cut off again.

  “You only care about your trial, Doctor,” he sneers. “I care about my wife.”

  “I care about your wife as well, Mr. Peyton,” I say quickly. This could go off the rails very quickly if I don’t get control of this situation. “I don’t get to pick who gets what medication. It was done by a lottery that assigned each patient. It’s the only way to keep things fair and balanced,” I keep my tone even.

  Until I open the sealed envelope, I won’t know which patients get the placebo. The worst part is that I’ll have to keep my reactions hidden so I don’t tip off a patient.

  “This is bullshit, baby.” Bryce pushes Allison’s hair back and presses his lips to her temple. “We can get the surgery and adopt, or have a surrogate. I don’t want to play these games with your life. We can go home. We can have everything we wanted, Ali. It doesn’t have to be like this. I love you.”

  My heart aches at the mention of their future. I want to be able to look at him without the wonder of what could’ve been.

  More than that, why the hell do he and Allison make a difference in my life? They don’t. I made my choice years ago when I let us go. I didn’t go after him, beg him to take me back, and he didn’t come after me either. We drifted apart, both caught up in our new lives and new priorities.

  Yes, I would’ve married him if we’d stayed together, but we didn’t, and he married someone else.

  Westin is a good man who cares about me more than I deserve. This is the closure I need. Right here, Bryce has moved on and so have I.

  “You can definitely do that,” I break up their moment. “However, there’s a chance that you could avoid the surgery that will strip you of the option to have children, which is what I believe brought you here.” I hate to be underhanded, but if Allison walks, then all the other patients will suffer as well. “If you want to do that, my suggestion would be for me to do your surgery today so that you have the best options for fighting the cancer. I can get you in . . .” I look down at the clipboard as though I have a schedule there. “. . . in the next hour?”

  “Good,” Bryce responds.

  Allison turns her head to Bryce and I see a tear roll down her cheek. “That’s not what I want, Peyton! Even if I don’t get the medication, I won’t go down that road. I want the chance. I want to carry our baby inside of me, and if I weren’t here right now, there would be no options. Please don’t take that away from me.”

  He shakes his head, lifts his gaze to me for a moment, and then back to his wife. “I just want you.”

  I just want to leave this fucking room.

  “I want you too, but this is important,” her fingers glide against the skin on his cheek. “It matters to me. We’re here for a reason and Dr. Adams is our best chance.”

  “I love you,” he tells her again.

  I close myself down, not wanting to hear another word. I’ve been trying to deal with all of this like a mature, professional woman, but this is too much. Hearing this is over the line.

  “I love you more.”

  “Until my last breath,” Bryce says, and I can’t stop myself.

  I gasp as pain lances my already raw heart and I’m taken back to a memory I’ve long since tried to forget, thrusting me back into the past.

  “I can’t go to Penn State with you.”

  His eyes fill with confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “I can’t do it. My mother is sick and my family needs me.”

  “I need you!”

  I release a heavy breath and touch his face. “And I need you, but her cancer isn’t going to get better and I can’t imagine what this is doing to my dad.”

  He steps back, disbelief etched in every part of his face. I know this isn’t ideal. It’s the last thing I wanted to do, but in my heart, I know it’s right. My mother gave everything to me. This is the least I can do.

  “And what about our plans?”

  “Plans change, Bryce. We’re not talking about forever. I’ll go to Northwestern, you can go to Penn State, and we’ll make it work—like you promised.”

  That seems to deflate him a bit. “I just . . . I got us an apartment and I was ready for this.”

  “I know, baby. I wanted all that too, but you understand, don’t you?”

  “How far is it to Chicago from there?”

  I close my eye
s and breathe the word. “Eight.”

  “Eight hours?”

  “I don’t like this any more than you, but I’m asking you to not make this worse than it already is for me. I want us to work this out.”

  We don’t fight. We never have. We talk and then we figure it out. This is not the Bryce I know and love. He’s always understanding, but right now, he’s making me feel guilty about something that’s out of my control.

  “I just want you!” he yells.

  “I’m not leaving you, I’m just going where I’m needed.”

  He shakes his head and I can hear his rebuttal in my own. It took me two weeks to work up the courage to talk to him about this. The mere idea of leaving him tore me to shreds. After talking to my brother, I knew I had to do it. Everton said that Dad is close to tears each day and that Mom is barely holding on.

  She’s sick from the chemo and the only hope they have is this trial she was accepted into.

  My family needs help, and I’m able to give it.

  “I’m not trying to be a selfish asshole, Chick. We just were building our life. We’re engaged and everything was laid out.” He runs his fingers through his dark hair and then sighs. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you hoped for from me, and yes . . . we’ll figure it out. We’ll have to make whatever time we can see each other work.”

  A tear falls down my face, and I rush to him. My lips touch his cheeks, nose, and then finally his mouth. “I love you, Bryce Peyton.”

  He shakes his head, worry filled in his blue eyes. “Until my last breath.”

  “Until mine.”

  “Hello? Dr. Adams?” Allison asks, forcing the memory out of my head.

  “Sorry, we’re ready to start, are you ready?” I ask.

  Allison studies me warily, and I use every muscle in my body to keep from looking at Bryce. I never want him to see how much those words affected me. Allison needs me to be her doctor right now.

  She closes her eyes and then when she looks at me, I see the answer. “I want to be in this trial. I want my damn life back. So yes, the only hope I have is you.”

  I nod once, pulling myself together and refusing to look at Bryce. “I’ll have your medication started. You’ll be inpatient for three days while we deliver the chemo, then you’ll come in for testing and other things before the next round,” I explain very matter-of-factly.

  “I re-remember.”

  I hear the fear in her voice, and even though this woman has everything I wanted, it’s also my job to give her comfort. I take a step toward her, still refusing to even glance at Bryce, and touch her arm. “I know it’s scary and a lot to think about, but know that I’m going to do whatever I can to fight this with you. You have a team of doctors that believe in this trial.” I smile and she returns my smile with her own.

  “Thank you.” She pauses. “For everything.”

  The meaning is clear. It’s not just about the trial, but for fighting for her because we both know what happens if she didn’t get to try.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes to get you set up,” I promise.

  With strength I didn’t know I had, I exit the room without looking at him. My father was right, I’m powerless to him and that’s going to be my downfall.

  As I stand in the hallway, I clench my fists, inhale, and will myself not to lose my mind. He can’t make me weak here. When I’m in this hospital, I refuse to be anything but at the top of my game. People need me to be the one who controls things, and being messed up won’t benefit them. Above everything that matters in my life, being a doctor is what I cling to. I won’t allow Bryce to set me back.

  After a few seconds, I regain my sense of self, and head to the lab where I’ll finally find out who the two doctors assigned to track the trial are. They’ll ensure all my documentation is in order and be able to discuss anything that might arise. As much as I always thought it was stupid, after serving as one of the advisors for a colleague, I realized it’s actually a great policy. Well, providing I don’t get some asshole.

  I open the door excited, but my excitement evaporates when I see Westin standing there, holding an envelope, talking to another doctor.

  “Yes, the patients are given a number,” he explains to Dr. Wells. “Dr. Adams will then correlate the number. We need to make sure there are no discrepancies before we sign off at the end.”

  Dr. Wells looks over the file. “This all looks great.”

  No. He can’t be an advisor and auditor on this. He can’t, because that would just be the biggest cosmic joke ever. He’ll have to come and meet patients, oversee everything I do, and I’ll have to check in with him. This can’t be happening to me.

  “Wes?”

  “Hey,” he smiles. “I was just looking over your paperwork.”

  “For?”

  He scratches the back of his head, which is his nervous tell. “I’m one of the advisors on the team.”

  And yet, it seems this is very much happening.

  I’m not sure why the hospital would sign off on this. He and I are romantically involved and even though we keep it quiet, people know. It’s sure to be viewed as a conflict by someone. Not only that, why the hell would he want to do this? After everything last night, this is a huge mistake. Maybe I can get him to hand it over to another doctor, one who doesn’t know me quite so . . . intimately.

  “Can we talk for a minute?” I ask and jerk my head to the side.

  My nerves can’t take much more of this. I feel as though I’m coming apart at the seams. Nothing has gone right since Bryce Peyton showed up in town.

  I release a deep breath from my nose when we reach the hallway. “How?” I ask quickly.

  “I didn’t—”

  “You didn’t think this was important to tell me? You didn’t think I should have even been given the slightest heads-up? Or do you not think this is a very, very bad idea, Westin?” I rub my forehead. “All night you had to mention it and not a word!”

  There are rules about what can be shared and I’ve already mentioned cutting Allison from the trial. I won’t be able to hide that there’s a history between myself and one of the clients, not after how I felt in that room a few moments ago. He needs to recuse himself from this.

  “I’m professional enough to handle this, Dr. Adams,” he bristles.

  Oh, Dr. Adams, is it? Got it.

  “I’m not implying you’re not, Dr. Grant. I’m simply stating that you and I are more than colleagues and I would like to avoid any possible signs of favoritism and impropriety,” I return with an equal amount of terseness in my tone.

  Westin crosses his arms. “I’m more than capable of it.”

  My throat gets tight as Westin stares me down. If he’s somehow figured out that my patient’s husband and I share a past, the entire thing could get shut down. I didn’t report it, which is clearly a violation, but maybe I can save this. No medication has been dispensed, there’s really nothing that’s been done questionably at this point.

  “Why are you doing this? Why would you take this, knowing what we are and where we’re going?”

  “We aren’t breaking any violations or rules. Dr. Pascoe is well aware of what we are. I submitted documentation of our relationship this morning before I officially signed on.”

  I jerk back a little, my chest tight as though I’ve been punched. “I know it was important to you, but I didn’t think you’d go this far. I didn’t think you’d do this behind my back. I wasn’t ready to put paperwork in.”

  Westin looks up and sighs, and then his eyes meet mine. “I see. I guess I misread the signs on what we were—nothing new there.”

  That stings.

  “That’s not what I was saying. I want this. I want us, but you and I both know that appearances, especially in a clinical trial, are important. We have to do everything above board. There can’t be the slightest hint of any ethical boundaries being crossed.”

  “I know that, which is why I submitted the paperwork. I went to Dr. Pascoe
and offered to step aside, but he wouldn’t hear it. I am one of the only doctors in this hospital that has extensive knowledge in clinical trials as well as the necessary protocols. There are four other doctors overseeing it, I’m not here to make things harder for you, Ren. I’m here to help.”

  I shake my head, not sure what the hell to think. “You still went behind my back.”

  “And I’m sorry for that. I really am. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t tell you either. I did what I thought was going to protect us both and give your patients the best opportunity at success.”

  Westin gives me a few seconds to work this out in my head. A part of me knows he’s right, he did the right thing, what we probably should’ve done months ago, when we were still pretending we weren’t a thing.

  “So, this means what?” I ask. “You’re overseeing the trial?”

  “No, I’m just here to advise and make sure that all the paperwork is in order.”

  I rub my forehead and release a heavy sigh. “Right.”

  “Serenity, if I thought, for one second, that me being on this trial would harm you or your patients, I would walk.”

  “What if it harms us?”

  His shoulders fall and he sighs. “If I lose you now, then we were never meant to be. I’ve been chasing you for two years, Ren. Two years that I’ve waited for you to want more. You’ve given me these little slivers of you and then you pull them back each time you get too close to feeling anything. I want you. I want us. But I know that both of us put our patients and this hospital first, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m good at my job. I wasn’t trying to hurt you by going to the chief. I did that because it protected us both.” Westin touches my cheek, his green eyes full of conflict. “I’m sorry if that upsets you, but it was the right thing. I care about you more than you know,” his hand drops. “I will never ask you to do something that would harm your career by keeping secrets, Ren. Don’t ask me to do it either.”