You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  I walk the few blocks to my house, open the door, and sink to the floor. My head rests on the cool wood floors and I cry. I cry for all the hell I’ve endured and caused the last few weeks. I let my sobs out and fall apart, because what else can I do?

  A loud bang on the door startles me awake. Disoriented, I push myself up. I look around, trying to see what time it is.

  The knock comes again and I get to my feet, hoping it’s Westin.

  When I open it, I stumble back.

  “Bryce?”

  He looks as bad as I probably do. His eyes are red rimmed, hair disheveled, and I can smell the alcohol on his breath.

  “I didn’t know where else to go,” he confesses.

  “How did you find me?”

  His eyes are haunted. “I followed you one day, I wanted to talk, and then I thought better of it. I didn’t want to cross that line and make Allison think . . . but . . . I guess that doesn’t matter now, does it? I’m alone. Where do I go, Chick? What do I do now?”

  My stomach drops and I don’t know the right thing to do. Should I offer him comfort or send him away? Then I remember I killed his wife, and the least I can do is listen to him.

  “Do you want to come in?”

  He nods.

  We walk into my living room and he sits on the couch, head in his hands. “I don’t know what to do now. I don’t understand.”

  I move in front of him, and sit on the coffee table. “I don’t know what to tell you. There’s nothing I can say to make this better.”

  His head jerks up. “I lost her. She was taken from me.”

  The accusation in his voice is louder than the words spoken. He means to say, you took her from me.

  “She was,” I agree.

  “You don’t know what we were like. You don’t know how perfect she is . . . was. Fuck, she was. She’s isn’t anything anymore. I need to know what happened in there.”

  I close my eyes in sadness. “It doesn’t matter.”

  He gets to his feet. “I need answers, Ren. You’re the only one that has them.”

  Apologizing isn’t going to bring her back, and I remember when my mother died, I wanted to punch everyone who said it. Things like ‘they’re in a better place,’ or ‘at least she’s not suffering anymore’ don’t make the person in agonizing grief feel any solace in their loss. Those words only comfort the speaker, and I won’t do that to him.

  The best thing I can do is let him know something real about her final moments.

  “You should sit down,” I tell him and he listens.

  We sit here, and I recount the surgery in a clinical way. As each moment, decision, and adjustment I made come back to me. I relay them, hoping he’ll see how hard I tried. He listens with tears streaming down his face when I get to the part where her heart rate dropped. I work hard to keep myself together and just give him the facts.

  When I’m finished, we both sit here in silence, letting it fall around us as soundless tears fall from my eyes. Bryce’s hand touches mine, and I rest my head on his shoulder. I’m grieving the loss of Allison Brown, not just my patient, but a beautiful woman who, even though the circumstances brought us together in the most bizarre way, I am sad to have lost. She was graceful, kind, and in the short time I knew her, learned more about me than many patients do in years.

  I lift my head and give him something I hadn’t planned on, but think he should know. “She knew,” I tell him.

  “Knew what?”

  I pull my hand back. “About us. About who I am and what we were.”

  He jerks upright. “No, she didn’t.”

  “Yeah, she did, Bryce. She knew from the day she walked into that hospital.”

  “She never said a word.”

  “That doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Right before we put her under, she told me. She said she was curious about me, found the trial, and came. She told me about her love for you as opposed to what we shared and,” I start to cry again. “She said, ‘until my last breath.’”

  He moves toward me, gripping my arms and shaking me. “Don’t lie to me.”

  The tears fall and I push away. “I’m not lying. She said that if something happened to her . . .” I don’t know how to finish it. I have no idea what she really wanted me to do.

  Did she want me to look out for him? Love him? Marry him? None of these questions were supposed to need answers.

  “To do what?” he asks as he gets to his feet.

  “I don’t know, I really don’t.”

  Bryce’s chest puffs in and out as he struggles for breath. “I’m so lost, Chick.”

  “I can’t imagine,” I say as I stand before him.

  “I thought losing you was the worst pain I’d ever been in.” He laughs once. “I had no idea.”

  I’m the one who has inflicted this on him—twice. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

  He looks down at me with tears in his blue eyes. “I know that.”

  “Do you?”

  He nods.

  “I’m so sorry,” I tell him.

  Bryce starts to break down and I pull him into my arms. He’s someone I once cared very deeply about and it hurts me to see him like this. I think about how I felt when my mother passed, and I had family to lean on, but he has no one here but me.

  He pulls back, his eyes glistening, and then he leans in, pressing his lips to mine. He grips my face, holding me to him, kissing me hard, and I completely freeze.

  What is he doing? I know he’s grieving, but he can’t kiss me.

  I push against his chest, my fingers rest against my lips, and I take a step back.

  We both look at each other.

  “Fuck!” He grips his hair, pulling, and begins to lose it. “I just . . . I wasn’t thinking. It wasn’t like . . . I just . . .”

  He doesn’t know what to think or feel. He doesn’t have to explain it, I understand. He’s desperate for something to make it hurt less, but that doesn’t exist. I tried for years to find something to replace him, thinking if I could just find a substitute, the pain would end. Once I realized there was no such thing, I decided to never feel again. Both choices were dumb, but when your heart and soul are being torn apart, you don’t give a shit.

  “You’re in pain, Bryce. You’re hurting and lost,” I tell him. I take a step closer, but he retreats. “You should go home, get some rest, and grieve.”

  He looks at me, another tear falls. “I will never be the same again,” he says.

  I shake my head. “No, you won’t, and neither will I.”

  Chapter 27

  I walk back into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Maybe I can scrub myself clean and not feel like this. I step into the scalding water and wait for it to wash away my pain. I watch the water swirl down the drain, thinking that’s exactly what my life is doing, funneling downward.

  All I wanted was to make things better, but I ended up fucking everything up.

  I sit on the ground, curled up in a ball, and let the water wash over me, drowning out my tears. After the water starts to turn cold, I climb out, and wrap my robe around me.

  How did I get here?

  At what point did my life go so far off the rails that this is who I am now? For so long I’ve blamed it on losing my mother, but now I wonder.

  The girl in the mirror doesn’t even look like me. My eyes are red, puffy, and dull. I was once vibrant, happy, and ready to tackle the world.

  Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel human again, because right now, I’m dead inside.

  I step into my room, and Westin sits on the bed.

  Relief floods me that he’s here. He always comforts me and gives me hope, and if there’s anyone that can reach me, it’s him. “Wes,” I breathe. I head toward him, but he gets to his feet and shifts away from me. “What’s wrong?”

  “Do you think I’m a fool?” he asks softly.

  “What?”

  “Maybe you think I’m willing to look the other way,” he mutters. “Maybe you just hope that I’m s
o in love with you I don’t know what you’re doing.”

  Oh, God. He’s figured out that I know Bryce. I don’t know how this is going to go, but maybe if I can explain it, he’ll understand. We’re both doctors who want to help others. Plus, we’re in a great place so maybe we can weather this storm.

  “I’m not doing anything,” I say.

  “No? Let’s stop pretending now. I didn’t want to know, but now, there’s no denying it.”

  “It’s not what you think,” I say quickly. “We just—”

  He holds up a file in his hand and slaps it on the bed, causing me to jump. “Why were you in the shower then, huh? Were you cleaning yourself after you fucked him, thinking I wouldn’t know?”

  I jerk back, confused. He thinks I just had sex with someone? “What? I took a shower to try to feel anything other than numb. I wasn’t with anyone.”

  “I saw him!” he yells. “I saw him leaving fifteen minutes ago! Don’t play stupid. I watched another man walk out of your front door. The same man who we just told that his wife died. The same man that was at the bar. What the hell do you take me for?”

  “I’m not playing at anything. It’s nothing sexual at all. He was here because he was lost. He didn’t know who else to talk to, Westin, please!” I try to explain. “Nothing happened!”

  “A patient’s husband happened to know where you live?” He shakes his head.

  “We knew each other years ago, but listen to me,” I grab his hand. “Nothing happened.”

  I’m not going to tell him about the kiss because it’s irrelevant. That wasn’t Bryce kissing me because he loves me, it was him searching for comfort. It wasn’t sexual, and at this point, it’s only going to make matters worse.

  Westin’s eyes narrow and he pulls his hand back. “I thought we were on the same page. I thought we were building a life together. I fucking love you and you do this!”

  “We are! We are building a life. It’s you I want. It’s you I choose, Westin! It’s you I love!”

  He scoffs and moves around the room. “You don’t know what love is!”

  “Don’t,” I beg. “Please don’t.”

  Don’t leave.

  Don’t say that.

  Don’t give up on me.

  “Fuck this. You want to screw your life up, fine.” Westin jerks the drawer open and removes his things. My chest is aching with each item he removes. “I’m not going to let you take me down with you. I tried for years and I thought you were changing.”

  “What are you doing? You’re leaving?” I start to panic. “Please, believe me, I didn’t do anything like that. He just lost his wife and he’s alone.”

  “You’re fucking your dead patient’s husband!” he screams at me.

  He has it all wrong.

  “I never slept with anyone! Stop!” I grab the shirt from his hand to stop him, but he rips it from my grasp. “Westin!”

  “No, I can’t believe you. I came here thinking there had to be a mistake because the Serenity I’m in love with wouldn’t do something so fucking stupid, she wouldn’t, but then it was all there, right in my face, but I wouldn’t believe it.”

  My head is spinning, trying to figure out what led him to assume I slept with anyone. “You’re not making sense!”

  “Look at the fucking file.” He rolls his eyes.

  I move over there, and it clicks. Allison Brown’s file sits on my bed. He put the pieces together, but they’re the wrong ones if he’s concluded that I cheated on him. I did something worse.

  “I didn’t sleep with anyone.” I move in front of him. “Stop, damn it!” He tries to shift around me, but I can’t lose him too. I can’t handle it. I need him. “Please, just talk to me, please let me explain!”

  “Explain?” he rages. “Explain what? That you have some kind of relationship with your patient’s husband! The same patient that died in your surgery? Not to mention, whatever the hell you did to the medications. I haven’t figured that part out, but I will. You know . . .” His jaw is tight and hands shake. “I thought something was up, but I was trusting. Then, when he called you Ren, I knew it. The way he looked at you, the way you were so broken. Was I just some game to you?”

  I stand in front of him, his hot breath blows on my face, and I start to cry again. How many more tears do I have inside of me? “No! God, no.”

  “You used me to cover up whatever it was that was happening, didn’t you?”

  “Westin, please,” I sob. “Stop. It’s not like that. I dated Bryce when I was in college, but I haven’t done anything inappropriate with him. I hadn’t even seen him until he showed up at the hospital with his wife.”

  “Do you know how much I wish that were true?” There is defeat laced in each word. “But coupled with the damning evidence that is in that file, I don’t believe a word that you’re saying.”

  Even if that’s the case, I’m not stopping now. If he wants to crucify me then it’s going to be for the real crime. I never betrayed him. I’ll lose him tonight, but at least he’ll know it all and if he walks away, I won’t blame him.

  “There was nothing between him and me. Yes, I was in love with him for a long time. His wife was selected for my trial, and I tried to walk away. I knew that it was a mistake to treat her, but he begged me to help her. So, against my better judgment, I decided to keep her on,” I sniff and wipe my tears. “If I hadn’t, the trial would’ve been stopped because I lost that first patient.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t want to hear any more of this.”

  I push against his chest, my heart racing, desperate to get the rest out. “Bryce figured out that Allison was given the placebo. He saw it in my eyes or something. The day you saw us outside the bar, he confronted me, begged me to change the medication, but I said no. I wouldn’t do it because of everything it would mean.” Westin looks down at me with disappointment, but I continue on. “Did you see the letter in her file?” I ask.

  “The one stating her wishes about treatment?”

  I nod. Good, maybe now he’ll grasp the gravity of what I was facing. “Yes. That night, I got the call that Mrs. Whitley was dying and I lost her. I was out of my mind, I know this, Wes. I know I was wrong and stupid and everything else, but after that, I saw Allison. She was happy, in love, smiling, and I knew I had to give her the best medical care possible. I knew that her having the placebo wasn’t giving her that care. She was going to die if I didn’t . . . she would let herself die just for a chance at the life she was desperate for. When I looked at them, at Allison and her husband, I saw my father and mother cuddled up on that bed, and I snapped.”

  His mouth falls open and he rubs his temple. “Serenity, please tell me you didn’t!”

  “I went into the lab and changed the folders. I altered the paperwork and gave her the trial drug that day.”

  “Are you fucking insane?” he bellows. “You doctored the trial? Are you kidding me?”

  I shake my head quickly, knowing how bad this is. “I wasn’t thinking!”

  “Clearly! Jesus Christ! You put all of us at risk! Do you realize that?”

  “I know and I hate myself!” I scream at him. “I hate myself and I don’t know what to do anymore, Westin!”

  He continues on. “When did you do this?”

  “That day,” I admit.

  “Weeks ago?”

  “Yes.”

  Westin’s body locks and the veins on his neck enlarge. “I’m one of the advising doctors on this. My signature is all over the paperwork,” he moves his hands like he wants to grab me, but drops them. “You didn’t just fuck yourself, Serenity, you fucked every doctor that touched this!”

  I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve seen him angry before, but never on the edge of losing it. “I’m sorry! I know I was wrong! Believe me, I know. I came to you that night. I begged you to let me tell you!”

  He blows his breath through his nose and I can feel the anger radiating off him. “Don’t you dare put this on me! You changed the me
dication on a clinical trial. Do you even know what this means? Do you understand you’re going to lose your medical license? Do you?”

  “Yes.” I drop my head. “I know, and I deserve it.”

  “Yeah,” he agrees. “You do. How could you do this?”

  “I was broken, okay? I was broken, sad, and feeling like I couldn’t do anything right. There was so much life in that woman’s eyes and I couldn’t watch it go out because of the luck of the draw. She was going to die! I needed to help her and it all happened so fast.”

  My breathing is frantic once the truth is finally out. It’s all too much. I’ve spent years bottling things up—and those bottles have finally started to explode.

  “You just, what? Walked into the lab and decided you knew best? What were you thinking? And what about the person without the medication you took from them!” he screams. “So you’re okay with helping Allison, because you’re in love with her husband, but not some other patient?” Westin gets in my face, his anger is palpable, and I see the hate in his eyes.

  He really thinks that I would take the medication from someone else to give to another?

  “I took Lindsay’s drugs, she was the patient who was dismissed from the trial before it began, but her file hadn’t been removed yet. I switched the numbers,” I explain. “I didn’t take a drug from another patient to give to her. How could you even think I would ever do that? And, I’m not in love with him,” I say as a tear falls. “I love you.”

  There was no harm done to another to benefit Allison. To give her the chance I thought she deserved while we tossed aside the actual trial drug that no one would get.

  “Oh, please, if you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t have done that.”

  “You don’t have to believe me, but it’s the truth!”

  I’m watching him pull away with each second, taking a part of me with him. It’s killing me to see him look at me this way. He always respected me at the very least, and it’s clear that’s gone.

  Westin’s head shakes and then he runs his hands down his face. “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”