You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  “That makes two of us. I lost Mrs. Whitley. I lost Allison. I lost myself.”

  He moves closer to me as my tears fall. “And you lost me.”

  I try to hold it together, but I can’t. A loud, agonizing sob breaks from my chest. I knew it would happen, but hearing it breaks the very last shred of control I have. He touches my cheek, watching the tears fall and then his hand drops.

  Westin grabs his bag, the file, and then starts to walk away.

  “This is why I didn’t want to love you. This is why I kept you at a distance. I knew if I fell for you, I’d lose you.”

  He stops, and his shoulders slump. “I guess we both learned our lesson. I should’ve let you keep pushing me away.” Westin turns back. “Then I wouldn’t feel like I was just stabbed in the heart. No matter what happened, you betrayed me, Serenity. And for that, I’m done.”

  Without another word, Westin walks out the door with my heart, leaving me with nothing.

  I fell in love again.

  I lost him.

  And this time, I may never get him back.

  I pick up my phone and dial the number of the only person who will never abandon me. It rings twice, and then I croak into the phone. “Daddy, I need you.”

  Chapter 28

  “How long has she been like this?” I hear a soft voice, maybe Julie’s, ask someone.

  “It’s been a day now and she won’t eat, talk, or stay awake for longer than a few minutes,” my father’s deep gravelly voice sounds worried.

  “Ren?” Julie sits beside me, pushing my hair back. “Ren, what happened?”

  I turn my head to look at her, not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me, since just a few minutes ago, I swear Allison was here.

  Sure enough, it’s Julie.

  I don’t answer. There’s nothing to say, so I roll back over and close my eyes. I just want to sleep. Sleep is peace, where there are no dreams. I don’t feel the enormous hole in my chest or the pain of knowing I lost everything again.

  “Serenity,” Julie tries again.

  I continue to ignore her. Westin has probably gone to the board by now. My life, my career, and the man that I love are gone. I don’t feel the need to rehash it. The news will be all around the hospital by the end of the day.

  “Okay, I’ll come back when you’re awake,” I hear her sigh in resignation.

  She can come back, but I’ll still be like this. When I met Westin, he figured out that I wasn’t whole. And piece by piece, Westin found a way to put me back together. He showed me that I was never really gone, supporting me through times when I didn’t even know he was doing it. All along, he was there, but I was too stupid to see it.

  For years I neglected him, and now I’ve really screwed up. The fact that I changed the trial drug would have changed everything if I had been able to tell him that night, but it still would’ve been better than this.

  Now, there’s no going back.

  Julie and my father talk a little in the other room, far enough away that I can’t make out what they’re saying, but I hear their voices.

  It’s too much energy to focus, so I grab the shirt Westin left behind, clutch it to my chest, and drift back to sleep.

  “You have to eat.” My father is standing in front of me as I try to head back to my bedroom.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “This isn’t normal, Serenity. You need to tell me what happened.” He cups my face. “Please.”

  My father looks like he’s ready to fall apart, and guilt assaults me again. Will I ever stop hurting the people I love? He came, even though I couldn’t say why I needed him. He got in a car, drove to the city he hates, and has been here for three days. Daddy hasn’t pushed me much, but I’ve basically become a shell of a person.

  I can’t eat. The smell of food makes me nauseous. I just lie in my bed, looking at the wall, and wallowing in my self-pity.

  It’s ridiculous, I know, but I have nothing.

  “I fucked up, Dad. I lost everything!” Yelling at him takes energy from my already drained body, and I start to sag. “Just . . . I need to sleep.”

  “No, you need to start talking and go back to work.” He stands in front of me with his arms crossed. “Where is Westin?”

  I look away, unwilling to see whatever emotion he displays. “Gone.”

  “A man like him doesn’t walk away willingly,” he ponders. “What happened?”

  No, guys like him don’t, but a woman like me forced his hand. I can’t do this right now. I know I’m being unreasonable, but for my entire life, I’ve held it together and I can’t anymore.

  My father stands there, waiting for an answer. “I broke his heart.”

  He purses his lips and nods. “And then you just gave up?”

  I let out a half-laugh. “No. There’s no way to change what I did.”

  “You cheated on him?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “It’s not like that.”

  “I’m going out on a limb and going to assume it has something to do with Bryce Peyton being back in your life,” he challenges.

  I’d love to blame him, but it’s not Bryce’s fault that I lied to Westin. It’s not Bryce’s fault that I changed the medication. Those were my choices.

  “No, Dad. This time it wasn’t because of Bryce. It was my choices that made Westin leave. I did this.” I push past him and curl up on the bed.

  An hour later I hear people talking again. Why the hell is everyone coming here? Who cares that I’m sad and broken? Why can’t people allow me a few days of sulking?

  I climb out of bed to slam the door, but the voice halts me.

  “I understand, Mick, but her phone is off and she needs to come into the hospital this week,” Westin’s voice fills the room. “Just tell her, please.”

  For the first time in days, my heart starts to beat again. I grip the door handle, not wanting anyone to hear me and him leave. He came, maybe . . . maybe nothing, the hope that began to fill me deflates.

  “Son, I just want to know what is going on.”

  Westin pauses. “It’s up to her to talk to you about it.”

  “She won’t get out of bed,” Daddy tells him. “She won’t talk to anyone or eat. I’ve never seen her like this.” I hear the worry in my father’s voice. “Even when her mother died, she was the strong one. I’m asking you to just talk to her.”

  I hear a sigh and I peek around the door to see him with his head down. “I wish I could, but I can’t right now.”

  And the hope is gone, just as it should be.

  “Do you love her?” my father questions.

  “It’s not about love, Mick.”

  My father shakes his head. “Love is all that matters. It’s worth it if she’s the right girl for you.”

  Westin closes his eyes and takes a step back. When he disappears from view, I know that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’ve hurt him, and there’s no coming back. “Just tell her she needs to come in. It’s important.”

  “All right,” Daddy resigns himself. “I’ll let her know.”

  “Thank you, I’ll talk to you soon,” Westin says.

  The door shuts, and I climb back into bed, feeling the loss of Westin all over again.

  “That’s it,” Julie yells. “Get up!”

  “Go to hell,” I say and pull the covers up.

  She rips them off and tosses cold water across my face. “What the fuck?” I scream as my bed is wet now.

  “You are Serenity Adams, world-renowned gynecological oncologist. You’ve had your three days of self-pity, now it’s time to get out of bed and grow up.”

  I shoot daggers at her in my head. “Grow up?”

  “Yeah, grow up!”

  Julie raises a brow in challenge. I don’t need this shit. I’m old enough to live however the hell I want to. I’m not a child.

  “You’re telling me to grow up and you just threw water in my face,” I spit the words.

  She shrugs. “You’re lying in your bed, neg
lecting the other patients who need you, because you lost one? That’s not you. They need you, damn it. You need to help them! Whatever happened with you and Westin, I’m sorry, but he’s not missing work, clutching your shirt in bed. Now, get in the shower.” She points toward the bathroom.

  Hearing her talk about my patients needing me forces me to move. When I get up, Julie’s relief is all over her face.

  “I’ll be in the kitchen with food, once you’re done being an idiot.”

  I flip her off.

  “If you take more than twenty minutes, I’m coming in there, so don’t do anything stupid!” she says as I slam the bathroom door.

  There’s no denying she’s right. I’m acting like a child and the idea that others are suffering because I’m upset with myself makes me even more disappointed in how I’m behaving.

  As I shower, I start to think about the events and how they unraveled. We’re all victims in some way. Bryce just wanted to save his wife. Westin loved me and wanted to protect me. Allison paid the ultimate price. And I was at the center of it all, thinking I had it all handled.

  Well, no more.

  I didn’t handle it right, and that changes now.

  It’s time to pick myself up and do the right thing.

  I get dressed with a newfound sense of purpose, and move forward to clean up the messes and face the consequences of my choices. I can’t continue the way I have, and I will never be at peace with any of this if I don’t stop acting like the martyr.

  When I head into the kitchen, Julie and Daddy are sitting there.

  “I want to talk to you both,” I say as I sit.

  They look at each other and then back to me. “Okay?”

  As much as I want to shut down, the way my father’s eyes hold tenderness breaks me. He should know the things I did to get to this point. The way I was stupid and put Westin’s career, our relationship, and my integrity aside needs to be explained.

  I go over the ugly details with tears streaming down my face. I don’t leave anything out from start to finish, and ignore the reactions of shock, disappointment, and even a little sadness on the faces of my audience.

  “Ren,” Julie clears her throat. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

  I shake my head. “I was protecting you. If you knew, you’d have to turn me in. We both know that and I didn’t want to put you in that position.”

  “But, you’re telling me now?”

  I nod. “Yeah, because tomorrow, I’m going to talk to Dr. Pascoe. I screwed up, Jules. I know this, and I need to take responsibility for it. That’s the only way I’m going to ever make amends with myself and the people who trusted me.”

  Julie just stares at me. “Are you sure? I mean, there’s no going back.”

  I nod. “I’m sure. No matter what, I have to own my mistakes.”

  She stands and touches my shoulder. “I would’ve never turned you in, Ren. I don’t agree, hell, I can’t even pretend to understand why you did that, but I know you . . . I’ve known you a long time,” she says and squeezes. “You’re an amazing doctor, don’t forget the lives you’ve saved.”

  I get to my feet and pull her in for a hug. “Thank you.”

  “I’m here for you.” She leans back. “No matter what. I’m the girl you call to help you bury the body, remember that.”

  Julie has always had my back, and I’ve had hers. I should’ve gone to her, but I thought keeping my mistake from her was the right thing.

  She leaves, and Daddy stands there looking at me. “You’re doing the right thing.”

  I start to cry again, hating that I failed people, and my father gathers me in his arms. It doesn’t matter how old I am, he’s the man I can always count on. I soak his shirt, crying over the mistakes I’ve made.

  “I’m so sorry if I disappointed you, Daddy.”

  He rubs my back as I fall apart.

  “Never. You could never disappoint me.”

  I cry harder, thanking God that I have him in my life. When the tears ebb, he pushes my hair back and stares into my eyes. “I raised you to be a strong, independent woman who cares for others. You’ve devoted your entire life to make things better and you take care of everyone else. I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like to watch people die around you all the time. You’re doing the right thing. It won’t be easy, but you’ll get through it.”

  I nod. “I’m going to lose my job,” I choke on the words. “I won’t have money, a place to live, and I don’t know if I’ll lose my license. I’m probably going to need to move back home, but I won’t be able to help financially.”

  “Is that what you’re worried about?” he asks.

  “Dad, I’ve been sending Everton a lot of money each month,” I confess.

  He nods. “I know, but I’ve come into a bit of money myself. You don’t need to worry about taking care of me.”

  “What do you mean, a bit of money?”

  He smiles impishly and we sit at the table, where my father tells me something that leaves me completely stunned.

  Chapter 29

  I sit on the cold, dirty floor outside Westin’s apartment. I spent twenty minutes debating whether or not I should go in. I have a key, but then I thought better of it. Westin and I are over, and I promised myself from this point forward, I’m going to remember who I was before I lost my damn mind. Respect and honesty are at my core, and I’m not going to breach that trust.

  It’s been over an hour now, but I couldn’t exactly call him. So, I wait.

  And wait.

  I think about all the things we’ve shared. The first time he brought me back to his apartment, and how we laughed despite the days we had. Westin was able to transport me to a place outside my past without me even knowing it.

  “What are you doing here?” his deep voice fills the hallway while he stands in front of me.

  I stand, and my nerves go crazy. I’m not sure if it’s a mistake that I came here, but I wanted to talk to him about my plan, and also find out what the hell is going on regarding my father.

  “I came to talk to you.”

  He sighs. “I don’t have anything to say.”

  “I know,” I say quickly. “I don’t blame you, but I’d like it if you could just listen. I’d appreciate it. Just a few minutes, Wes, that’s all I’m asking for.”

  My heart races as he stares me down. I plead with my eyes and then I see the answer I was hoping for in his. He’s going to give me a chance—reluctantly, but it’s something.

  Westin unlocks the door and holds it open for me. It’s only been a few days since I’ve seen him, but he looks different. His eyes are tired and his facial hair has grown out more. I try not to focus on how good it is to see him and how much it’s killing me to stay away, but I need to focus.

  “So?” Westin pushes.

  “Right. Sorry.” I release a deep breath. “My father said that you came by, and . . .”

  “I didn’t turn you in,” he says quickly. “If you’re here to beg, save it, I haven’t and I’m not sure if I can. I guess that’s the funny thing about loving someone. It doesn’t go away that easily.”

  Well, that’s unexpected. I wasn’t sure if he would. Honestly, I don’t know why he didn’t, but that’s neither here nor there. “I’m planning to confess everything,” I tell him.

  “You’re what?”

  “I’m going to admit to what I’ve done, and face whatever comes.” He opens his mouth, but I keep going before a word can be said. If I don’t get this out now, I have no idea if I’ll be able to later. “I did this on my own, and I won’t let you or anyone else have any disciplinary action brought against them. More than that, it’s the right thing to do, and it’s what I should’ve done from the beginning,” I sigh. “It’s what I would’ve done a month ago. No, that’s not even true, I wouldn’t have done it.”

  “Ren,” he starts.

  Westin was absolutely right when he said he didn’t know who I was, because I’m not that person. “No, please do
n’t say anything, just listen,” I say and continue before he can answer. “I lost myself when Mrs. Whitley died. I don’t know what it was, but I felt as though I’d lost my mother all over again. It broke me in a very real way. My life spun so far out of control and I couldn’t right the car, no matter how hard I tried. I did try to tell you, so many times, but then you asked me to stop and so I thought maybe I should protect you instead.”

  “I had no idea that’s what it was. I thought,” he runs his hand down his face. “I don’t fucking know, but not that you altered the trial.”

  “I know. But I did, and I’m going to have to pay the price.”

  “You’re sure?” Westin asks.

  “Yes. I’m sure. I can’t live with this and I can’t ask you to lie, either. Not for me, not when it’s not who you are. You’re a good doctor who cares, and who prides himself on integrity, Westin, and I won’t make you someone else. That’s not fair. That’s not what love means.”

  I stop talking, trying to get my heart to settle, but it’s beating so loud I worry I’ll pass out. Being open and honest isn’t my thing. I’ve spent so many years mastering being closed off that being vulnerable is terrifying. However, this may be the last time I ever talk to Westin like this and I won’t waste it. He needs to know how I feel, and how sorry I am for hurting him.

  “The thing is, Wes.” I take a step closer. “I fell in love with you at the same time my entire life imploded. You don’t have to believe me, and I don’t blame you, but I do love you,” my voice cracks.

  I turn around quickly so he doesn’t see the tears that form in my eyes. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I’ve done enough of that and it’s time to put the pieces back together.

  “I know you think what I did is because of Bryce,” I continue on. “A long time ago I would’ve done anything for him, but me changing the medications was about me. For years, I’ve been closed off to feeling, I thought it made me a better doctor. If I didn’t love, then loss wouldn’t break me, and that bled into our relationship.” I look back at him. “If I felt nothing but friendship, when you left, I wouldn’t fall apart. I was starting to let my walls down with you, and then Bryce came back, sending them to the ground.”