by Voss, Deja
If I kept telling myself I was stupid, I wouldn’t have to take that chance. I could continue to serve the life’s mission that had been driven into my head through the church’s doctrine.
This kindly man was taking a chance on me, though.
I put my pen to my notebook and started the video lecture. It was nice getting lost in the world of animal behavior for a little while. These classes took me to a totally different place in the world, a place where I wasn’t just Hannah the Chosen. I was a woman who was training to be the best vet tech in the county. In the world. I soaked up every little crumb of information, laser focused. I was disappointed when it ended, knowing I had to go back to my reality. My present. The future was getting closer, but it just wasn’t quite that time yet.
“I better get going,” I said. I closed up my notebook and tucked it into the desk drawer. I really wished I could take it with me back to the compound so I could put what I learned today into practice, but I knew if anyone found it, that would be the end of my studies. It might even be the end of my life depending on how the church wanted to punish me. I was better safe than sorry.
The bell on the door jingled, and I nearly hit the ceiling when Jacob Blinson walked in. I looked at Doctor Leeman in complete panic, and he just smiled an assuring smile. I bit my lip and tried to follow his cue, but inside, I was a complete mess.
This was the worst-case scenario. Jacob Blinson was the most powerful man in The Chosen Faithful. Only thirty years old, he was the only living brother of the founding fathers. Jacob scared me, and not just when I was disobeying church rules. He had always been fascinated with me, always watching me with his coal-black eyes, always saying things to me that left me feeling like I was a piece of his property. Only recently had he made his interest in courting me known to my parents, who were of course, thrilled. I, only the other hand, was avoiding going anywhere near him whenever possible. And yet here we were, together in this tiny office, where I was about to be caught red handed as a defector of the church.
“Dr. Leeman,” he said, tipping his hat. “And Hannah? What is this? I didn’t see your name on the sign-out sheet.” I never signed out when I came to study. It only set me up for questioning, and I’d likely be assigned a chaperone.
“Kittens,” I muttered, trying to recite the story we’d practiced so many times before. “I found kittens behind the dumpster at the bakery. I brought them here because I couldn’t find their mother.”
“Racheal said nothing of this,” Jacob said, stroking his beard. I felt my face turning bright red. Of course she didn’t. That’s because there were no such kittens.
“Come see for yourself,” Doctor Leeman said, standing up from his desk and opening the door to the exam room. “Maybe you could pick one out to take home? They’re strong little guys. They’d make excellent barn cats.”
“Should’ve just let them be, Hannah. You shouldn’t mess with nature. You know better.”
I shrugged and put my head down, assuming the normal position.
“Is there something I can do for you, Jacob?” Dr. Leeman asked. “What brings you by today?”
“I’m here to collect. Figured it’d been awhile since I showed my face, so I gave the guys a day off.”
Dr. Leeman cringed. I was confused. What could Jacob possibly be collecting from him?
“It’s going to be short, Jacob. You’re a week early. I haven’t had a chance to put it together yet.”
“It will not be short,” Jacob said, his posture growing even taller. He reached for the waistband of his black dress pants, and I slapped my hand over my mouth. Why was he carrying a gun?
“Do you think you should do this in front of Hannah? Do you want her to know about our arrangement?” I didn’t know what was going on, but I didn’t like it. Why was Jacob threatening Doctor Leeman? He never did anything but help the church, taking care of the animals without ever asking for anything in return.
“You’re right,” Jacob said with a sneer. “Why don’t you go pick out a kitten, Hannah? Any one you want. We can raise him together. Our first pet.”
I shook my head, no, my mouth agape. There weren’t any kittens to pick out, and I certainly didn’t want to raise one with him. My stomach started gurgling, and I felt the sting of bile in the back of my throat. There was not a single logical thing I could think of doing, so instead, I just ran out the front door. Ran out into the summer sun, kicking up dust on the dirt road. I hated leaving Doctor Leeman alone with Jacob and a gun, and I knew it was probably the last time I’d ever see him again, or at least, the last time I’d ever be in his office unchaperoned. I knew I would be under close watch from this day forward. I couldn’t run away now. I had nowhere to do. So I ran right back to the only place I’d ever known. Ran right back to my captivity. Back to the bakery.
Racheal gave me an irritated glare as I headed straight for the kitchen, not saying a word to anyone. I splashed some cool water on my face as I tried to catch my breath. The doorbell jingled, and by this point, my heart was pounding loud enough I could hear it in my ears. Jacob’s shadow in the doorway immediately darkened the entire shop.
He pushed past the counter, ignoring Racheal’s entirely as she tried to make small talk. The way he was standing over me, trapping me in the corner, the acrid smell of his sweat burning my nostrils, I thought for sure he was going to kill me.
“What are you running from?” he asked. He reached into his pocket and I prepared myself for the worst. I’d seen the way a gun ripped through the skull of a cow when it was slaughtered. At least it would be quick. I stared into his black eyes, jumping out of my skin as his fingers grazed my chin. In his other hand was a brown envelope, bulging open at the top. “You don’t want a cat?”
I shook my head. I wanted nothing from him. I wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted him to stop touching me. My words were not coming out, though.
He began thumbing through the envelope, dangling a wad of cash in front of me, larger than anything I’d ever seen, even during the busiest days at the bakery. He pressed it into my trembling hand. I didn’t even look to see how much money was there. I had no use for it. Unless I could buy a time machine so I’d never be in this position in the first place, that money meant nothing to me.
“Why don’t you go buy yourself a dog instead? I’ll take you to the mall later and you can pick one out from the pet store.”
“I don’t want anything, Jacob. I want nothing from you,” I said, my voice strong, but trembling. “Can you please let me get back to work?” I held the pile of bills out in front of me, hoping he would take them back from my hand so this could all be over.
“Now, Hannah, don’t you think your father would appreciate a little extra money coming in? Why are you being so selfish? You know he’s getting older. Do you think it is fair he has to kill himself in the fields every day for you and your family to survive?”
“The church provides for us,” I said. That was how it had always been. That was the doctrine. We all pitched in to the best of our ability. If one day my father needed to retire, he would still be taken care of.
His laugh was condescending. “You know I am the church, right?” He pressed the money firmly into my hand, leaning into me close, making me feel so small, so helpless. “And one day you will be the church, too, Hannah. One day you will come to your senses. Is that day today?”
I was literally trapped. My mind was racing. I couldn’t say no. I could never say no my entire life, I had never been given that option, and the way his body was pressing into mine made it even more apparent. I slipped the cash into the pocket of my dress out of fear alone.
“You’ll come around,” he said, squeezing my wrist in a less than friendly way. Menacing. Everything about him was menacing. And now I knew he had a gun. Now I knew he was taking money from Doctor Leeman. Now I knew that maybe everything I’d grown to know about the church was not as it appeared.
He left in a rush, storming through the bakery as I leaned up agai
nst the counter, trying to make sense of it all. What was I supposed to do? He’d already taken away my only escape route?
“You disgust me,” Racheal hissed. “All you have to do is be with him, and we will be set for life. Don’t you want that for mom and dad? Don’t you want that power?”
I turned around and puked in the sink. I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew in that moment, it didn’t really matter.
Chapter Seven
Hannah:
Present Day:
It wasn’t until I spoke with brother Jeb that I began to put the pieces together. I guess when you’re locked up alone for so long, you hold on to any sort of fantasy you can wrap your brain around. Thinking Dr. Leeman was just old, unhealthy, and it was his time to go peacefully was much better than the alternative.
The only person who I trusted in the world was murdered thanks to me.
And now, I was trying to do it all over again.
I sat bolt upright in my bed, sweating through my nightgown, dizzy, my legs cramping. I dipped my hand into the basin of water, cupping it, bringing it to my lips and taking a sip.
Breaker and his men were strong. I knew they were criminals, and they probably carried guns, but if anyone else lost their lives on account of me, I don’t know what I would do. Especially Breaker. Alexander. He brought so much good into this world just by the way he smiled.
If he asked me about the bread, I’d say it was a joke. I’d deny it. I would go back to my vow of silence. I’d disappear if he ever came into the bakery again. For his own good. I would not drag him into this. Then again, maybe he didn’t even notice in the first place.
That was the only thought that gave me any peace.
Maybe he didn’t notice at all, and he was with his men, living his life. Now I just needed to decide whether I should just do the right thing and give myself to Jacob fully, or do the easy thing and end mine.
I nearly flew through the ceiling as the cracked bedroom window slid open another inch, a hand reaching through. I threw myself onto the floor with a loud thud, scrambling to hide under my bed. I sighed in disgust when I heard the sound of the mattress sagging and Racheal’s familiar giggle.
“What in the world are you doing?” I whispered loudly, sliding out from under the bed-frame. She was swaying and giggling, flopping around like a fish out of water, still dressed in her English clothes, a pair of frayed denim shorts and a black shirt that had no arms. She smelled like alcohol and cigarette smoke.
“Holy shit,” she whispered, her eyes wide as she rolled over to the edge of the bed. “I forgot you were here. This was so much easier when you were on your mission.” She laughed cruelly into my blanket. “You better not say a word. Not like anybody would believe you, anyway.”
“My lips are sealed,” I said. I didn’t need wrapped up in her drama. I had drama of my own. Drama I created for myself.
“I don’t understand why you can’t be more fun.” Her words were slurred, slow, and yet, for some reason, I felt like she was being more genuine towards me than she’d ever been before. “Life would be so much easier if you weren’t such a wet sock all the time. Why can’t you just be happy like me?”
“I don’t understand how you can possibly be happy, Racheal,” I said, climbing up in the bed next to her. “Your life is a lie. You want to live in the English world. You only obey the church when it suits you. How is that a happy existence?”
“You’re so funny. So naïve. You think the church cares about what I do in my free time? You think God cares? It’s a front. It always has been a front, and always will be. You just don’t know the first part about playing the game.” She nestled her head in my pillow, her bleached blonde mop covering her face. In an instant, she was passed out, snoring like a chainsaw. Conversation over. And here I sat, with a million questions and nobody to answer.
My life so far was a front? A game? I covered her in my blankets and laid down on the edge of the bed, staring out the window at the moonlit sky. I’d forgotten how beautiful the world out there was. Why did I have to try to bring Breaker into the ugliness of the world inside of me?
Chapter Eight
Breaker:
“Slow the fuck down, dude. You’re going to kill him if you keep driving like that!” Miles said, grabbing onto the ‘holy shit,’ handle in the garbage truck as I smashed on the breaks. “The fuck did you eat for breakfast this morning?”
I was on dumpster duty today, Miles riding along with me, our prospect Bunny hanging off the back. Barely. Dude was damn near seven feet tall and probably weighed as much as the dump truck, and I wasn’t making life easy on him. I was in a hurry today. I could barely sleep last night worrying about Hannah, the mystery note in the bread, worrying that maybe I’d let too much time pass already. I chugged about two pots of coffee this morning and sat in Miles’ driveway for a half an hour laying on the horn. I wanted to get this shit done so I could get to the bakery.
“Nothin’ yet,” I said. “Want to stop for doughnuts on the way home?”
“Whatever. Get us there in once piece, dude?”
Maybe I was being a little irrational. I didn’t even know if Hannah was gonna be working today. All I knew was that I needed to get to her, if only for my own peace of mind. For all I knew she was just fucking around, and I could just go back to my normal life of debauchery. I needed to hear it from her lips, though.
“Colt told me all about it, just so you know. You’re seeing secret religious messages in bread? Do we need to go get your head checked out? What’s your game plan here, anyway?” Miles asked. “You’re awfully invested in this Amish bitch. Is this like a new conquest? Some bucket list shit?”
“Fuck off, she’s not Amish. I don’t have a bucket list. I’ve known the girl my whole life. Just want to make sure everything’s alright. Quit riding my ass.” I tapped the breaks delicately this time as I pulled up behind the next set of dumpsters, holding my hands up in the air to appease him.
“You don’t need to be meddling in other people’s shit, Breaker. I’m just saying. We have our own shit. Keep your eyes on the road in front of you. Those people give me the creeps. I don’t want tangled up in some cult bullshit. Club don’t need tangled up in some cult bullshit.”
“Nobody’s getting tangled up in some cult bullshit,” I said, putting the truck in drive and pulling down the long stretch of country road. The sun was barely peeking out over the horizon, fog rising up off the pavement already. It was going to be a hot one. “It’s just gonna be a little wellness check. That’s all.”
Miles was a real tough nut to crack. He never had much to say, but when he did, it was always real serious, like he thought about everything that came out of his mouth a hundred times over before the words actually came. Stoic motherfucker, mean as hell, and loyal to the bone, this guy ate, breathed, and slept Indignants.
“Yeah well, Bunny’s gonna need a wellness check himself you keep making him run behind the truck like that.”
“Fuck,” I stammered, looking at the side mirror, watching Bunny running wildly behind the truck, arms waving. “Guess that’ll toughen him up a little.”
“Or put him in cardiac arrest,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “Whatever. He’s not patched in yet.” I slammed on the breaks, letting Bunny catch up, his face bright red. He rested his arms on his knees, sucking air as Miles and I cracked up.
“You gonna be alright, bud?” I shouted out the window. He threw me a thumbs up, but was damn near hyperventilating, breathing so loudly it almost sounded like he was screaming. “That’ll teach ya to get all fucked up the night before dumpster day.” I didn’t really get a rise out of fucking with the prospects like some of the other guys did, but it was all part of the process. I’d been through worse myself. A little jogging never killed anybody. “Two more stops and we’ll get you some doughnuts.”
He nodded and wiped the sweat from his face, crawling back up to his post on the back of the garbage truck. Two more stops and I’d finally get a
chance to put this twisted feeling in my gut to rest, no matter what the outcome might be.
Chapter Nine
Breaker:
“Aren’t you coming in?” I asked Miles as I hopped out of the truck. I pulled my hair back and checked my pistol in my waistband, not planning on using it, but an Indignant could never be too careful. I knew I looked like shit. I didn’t shave this morning. Didn’t shower. I had dark circles under my eyes, stale coffee breath, and was about a pack of cigarettes deep already, chain smoking the morning away, something I hadn’t done in a long ass time. Probably smelled like the garbage truck I just rolled out of.
“I’m good,” he said, waving me off. Bunny was sitting in the gravel huffing away like he’d just ran a marathon. He opened up a plastic water bottle, chugged half of it, and dumped the rest over his head.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“A fucking lung transplant,” he said with a laugh. “Do I look like the kind of guy who works out?”
It was barely seven in the morning, but the place was jam-packed. Seemed like everyone over the age of sixty loved this spot for the cheap coffee and old timer nostalgia. All these people wishing for a simpler time, back when bitches waited on them hand and foot and everything costed a nickel. Kinda creeped me out personally.
I pushed my way up to the counter laughing inside at the way these old farts didn’t even try to hold back their stares or their commentary on my ink. I didn’t have beef with one of em, and here they were talking about kids these days. “Good luck getting a real job,” kind of shit. I was glad Miles hung back. I wasn’t looking for a full-blown scene. I was just looking for Hannah.
“Brother Alexander,” Jacob said, tipping his dorky ass hat at me from behind the counter. “It is not Tuesday. What brings you here today?”