by Voss, Deja
Something about this dude always creeped me out. He literally had black eyes, eyes so dark it looked like they were all whites and pupils. These folks were all fire and brimstone, so how they could look at him and not see the devil himself in those eyes made me really wonder. He was wearing a suit that looked like it cost as much as a couple months’ rent, but the way his beard ran wild and the stench that emanated from him screamed ‘cult guy.’
“Just passing through,” I said. “How’s it going?” I was trying not to make it obvious that I was scanning the place for Hannah, but as soon as I looked through that window in the kitchen, my eyes locked with hers. Her jaw dropped along with the bag of frosting she was using to blob frosting on the doughnuts.
Jacob noticed the bag fall to the floor, and he turned to glare at her. For whatever reason, this dude was watching her like a hawk.
“Are you making bread again today?” I shouted back through the window. Fuck that vow of silence shit. Something weird was going on.
“We make bread in the afternoons,” Jacob answered. “I can bring some to you later if you want. I have to go to town, anyway.” Thank fuck this dude was clueless. I hoped to keep him that way, but I didn’t know how I would get to her.
“Is it the exact same recipe as yesterday?” I asked loudly enough for her to hear. “Exact same?”
“Why wouldn’t it be? It’s been the exact same recipe for over seventy-five years.” By now the entire crowd was staring at us, even more blatantly than before. He was obviously angry at my questioning, his face reddening by the second. “Why would you insult my business like that?”
I’d let him yell as long as he needed. All I was looking for was a sign from Hannah. She shook her head, no at first, then bent down to pick up the bag she dropped on the floor. As she stood back up, she lifted her skirt just an inch, and I clenched my fist. The back of her calf was covered in dark black bruises, edged in red, like they were fresh. As Jacob continued his tirade, I was doing everything in my power not to clock him in the face. I knew I had to keep my chill. I could take every motherfucker in this place, but obviously she was trying to keep it discrete. I didn’t know exactly what I was dealing with. Needed more info. Wasn’t getting it from her, though. She went back to icing doughnuts like nothing had even happened and Jacob wasn’t going off on me, screaming in my face til the spit flew because I was asking about the bread.
“Dude relax,” I said. “I’m just trying to get some doughnuts and get out of here.” I put my hands up in the air and backed away from him. “What the fuck’s got your panties all twisted?”
“Racheal, box him up a dozen. On the house,” he said, snapping his fingers as the skinny blonde bitch bowed to him. “I am sorry, Alexander. That was unprofessional of me. I take this business very seriously, as I do with all matters of the church. Every thing The Chosen Faithful do is a reflection of God’s perfection.”
I mean, their doughnuts were good, but that was taking things a little too far.
“This business is my duty. These disciples are my only concern. When you question our integrity, I need to investigate into why you might do so. If our bread isn’t up to our forefathers standards, there are repercussions that must be dealt.”
“Dude, I am not even worried about the bread at this point,” I said. The only thing I was worried about was Hannah, who hurt her, and what the fuck I was going to do about it. She trusted me for whatever reason, and here I was standing with my dick in my hand getting a lecture from some psychopath who was possibly high on meth by the way he was sweating and flailing around defending his bread.
I pulled some cash out of my pocket, not paying any attention to the amount, and as I slapped it down at the counter I watched her. She looked defeated, like a beat dog who was questioning what they could’ve possibly done to get handed to such a cruel master. Everything about this scene was cruel. Her silent pleas were more painful than any wounded screams I’d ever heard.
I’ll be back, I tried to telepathically transmit to her, hoping that if their God was so great, he’d let her know that soon she’d have nothing to worry about. Couldn’t do this on my own, though, not while Jacob was here. For all I knew, he’d start shooting the whole place up. Hang in there, I wanted to scream.
I grabbed the box and sprinted out to the truck. I hopped in the driver’s side and tossed it to Bunny, who was sprawled out in the back seat with his shirt off, soaking up the air conditioning. I pulled out of the gravel parking lot, tires spinning.
“What the fuck is your deal?” Miles asked. “You gotta take a shit or something?”
“I gotta get her out of there,” I said. “Some bad shit’s about to go down.”
He groaned and shook his head. “You better talk to Law before you go in there guns blazing,” he said. “You don’t need to be fucking with that cult shit. You don’t know what that broad might be trying to do. For all you know this is some setup. Why the fuck doesn’t she just run away if she needs help so bad?”
“I don’t know.” That’s what had me reeling. Loss for words. Loss for action. Never felt this way before. Usually I was good at putting out fires. Or minding my business. She was lodged deep in my brain. Everything was upside down. “I have no fucking clue, but I gotta do something.”
Chapter Ten
Hannah:
When Breaker walked through the door this morning, I didn’t know whether to burst into tears or scream at him to leave. I couldn’t believe he was here. He obviously got my message, and for a second, I felt like I was saved. His timing couldn’t have been worse, though. Jacob was still supervising as Racheal was running late.
***
I readied myself for work this morning, not even slightly rested. The nice thing about our ‘uniforms’ was that I didn’t have to waste the effort trying to pick out my clothing for the day. I just pulled a gray dress from the rack in the closet lined with dresses all the same and slid it on. I quickly braided my hair. I splashed some water on my face, hoping my eyes weren’t bloodshot from the tears.
I gently nudged Racheal, whose cellphone had vibrated so much it was now scooting across the hardwood floor, her alarm not doing anything to wake her from her loud snoring slumber. “It’s morning,” I whispered. “You need to get moving.”
“Oh fuck off,” she whined. “Please, tell mama I’m ill. I’ll be up as soon as the room stops spinning.”
“Do you want some tea?” I offered, feeling her head for a fever. She wasn’t warm, but the way she was moaning and groaning, I knew she was paying for whatever it was she did last night.
“Just let me be. I will be at the bakery as soon as I can.”
I stood at the bedside, not sure what I was supposed to do. “You’re my Integration Supervisor. I’m not to leave without you.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Hannah. I don’t have time for you right now. Go be someone else’s burden.” I shrugged and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind me so as not to wake the rest of the sleeping house. I needed a few minutes alone to gather my composure. She was right about one thing, it didn’t matter what I did, I was an eternal burden. I’d been so faithful to the church my whole life, I didn’t know how to be any other way, always waiting for someone to tell me what to do or where I should go, what I should wear, how to do my hair. I had a small taste of freedom with Doctor Leeman, but that was long gone. My existence was nothing but inconvenient to every person I came across.
I sat down at the kitchen table in the darkness, dread washing over me. I knew I should light the lanterns and start the water to boil, but what was the point? Everyone had functioned just fine without me for nine months. I bowed my head, praying for answers, but the only thing I could think about was how selfish I was for trying to drag Breaker into this mess I called a life. What for? So I could be a burden to him? I didn’t even know how to please a man, especially not one like him. The only thing I knew of sex was that the only way to make it stop was to avoid fighting back.
>
I was probably useless to him. Doughnuts could only go so far. I could assess animal behavior, but I didn’t know how to intervene, even when it came to the kinds of animals who could talk, the kinds of beasts who aren’t afraid to kill men.
My father's footsteps startled me, and I stood up from the table, fumbling in the darkness. “Good morning.”
“What are you doing here in the dark, Hannah?” he asked. “Did you forget how to function?” It almost sounded jovial, as if it amused him I had been tossed away so long I’d forget even what I was supposed to do in the morning.
“I must have,” I said. “Would you like coffee?”
He lit the lanterns, and I started the water to boil. Soon my mother joined us, wasting no time cracking and whisking eggs, and before long, my brothers were all gathered around the table, wiping sleep from their eyes.
“Where’s Racheal?” my mother asked, eyeing her empty chair.
“She isn’t feeling well,” I said. My brothers chuckled. They were well aware of the cause of my sister’s illness. They were probably participating right along her side. “Should I just open the bakery on my own today?”
My mother gave a disgusted sigh, slamming plates down onto the table one by one. “I cannot wait for the day that we marry her off. I cannot hardly believe she’s sick all the time. I’ll go wake her.”
“I’ll do it,” I said. If my mother found her in my bed, I knew she’d be more than just disgusted. She’d probably find a way to blame it on me somehow, too. “I will bring her some food and see if that will make her better.”
I grabbed a plate from the table, and my brother reached for my hand, slipping me some pills. Apparently he knew exactly what she needed to recover from her self-induced malady.
I went upstairs, shaking Racheal from her slumber once again. She looked up at me like she was going to claw my eyes out. “Mom’s mad. Eat your breakfast. At the very least, get in your own bed. Micheal gave me these.” I handed her the pills, and she clutched her head, making sounds like she was going to vomit. Suddenly, car headlights shined down our driveway.
I looked out the window, my heart sinking.
“What is Jacob doing here so early?” I asked.
“Picking up the boys to take them to work,” she said. “Why do you sound so happy to see him?”
“Eat your breakfast,” I said. I was in no mood to see Jacob. I was hoping I could avoid him as much as possible, at least until I had my plan figured out. One full day without him wasn’t enough to make me forget him, and unfortunately he occupied as much space in my brain as anything else, but when he was near me, I felt like I was being wrapped in a boa constrictor. Every inch of me relived the pain he caused when he put his hands on me. “I need you to come with me.”
The laughter emanating from downstairs made my skin crawl. Whenever Jacob showed up, everyone was happy. I might not have been versed in the English world but I knew exactly what sucking up was, and my family knew how to put on one hell of a show. It was so hypocritical. We were to only worship one God, but they nearly kissed the ground he walked on. All because he controlled the power. And with the power, came the money. And with the money well, I don’t know what came with that. I never learned that part of the equation, because no matter how much money I had, it didn’t matter. I was still trapped in this jail of a life.
“Hannah, you can come down here now,” my father shouted. “Jacob said he would be happy to open the bakery with you this morning.”
“I hate you,” I whispered, glaring at Rachael as she choked down a piece of dry toast. I’d never said anything so horrible in my life, even as I was being tortured and tormented. I could only hope that God heard me and was in the process of striking me down with a bolt of lightening. I didn’t mean it, at least, I didn’t think I had the capacity to truly hate someone, especially not my own blood, but I didn’t know up from down anymore. All I knew is I didn’t want to be trapped in the bakery with Jacob while she nursed her hangover.
“The feeling is mutual, sis. Now don’t fuck this up. Don’t be selfish.”
I slammed the door behind me, not that it gave me any release. I was walking right back into the arms of my captor, and there was nothing I could do about it. I kept my eyes trained on the ground as I joined my family in the kitchen.
“There’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on,” Jacob said. “I’ve missed you.”
I tried to hold back any of the multitude of replies that were on my lips. I’d already said ‘I hate you’ once today. Maybe I could try that one again. I knew it would only mean more pain for me.
“Why don’t you men take my car to the job site today. I think Hannah and I can walk. It’s a beautiful morning.”
“I get to drive!” Micheal said, asserting his position as head of the goons. My brothers were cheering, excited by the prospect of more responsibility. I just stood there dying inside. A one-mile walk in the woods with this disgusting man was the last thing I wanted.
“Are you almost ready, my darling?” he asked.
“Let me finish my tea. I’ll be quick.” I grabbed my cup from the table and stood near the sink. I don’t know what possessed me in that instant, but the little knife my mother used to cut apples started calling out to me. It was small but sharp. It could easily fit into the pocket of my smock. As I set my cup in the basin, I snatched it up, hoping no one noticed. They obviously didn’t. They were too busy basking in the glory that was Jacob.
I had no idea what I was going to do with the thing. I’d never used a weapon before. Would it even hurt him? How would you have to cut a person to not just make them bleed, but to stop them in their tracks? Maybe if I was in the right situation, I’d figure it out. Maybe that was what animal instinct was all about.
He linked his arm in mine as my family said goodbye, acting like I was suddenly the golden child, and not the butt of everyone’s joke. They needed this. They wanted this. I didn’t know what I wanted other than the courage to stab this knife into Jacob’s neck.
But then what?
Open the bakery like nothing happened? Pray by some force of miracle nobody noticed him missing? I knew I’d never have the courage to use that knife. The only thing I was good at using knives for was carving messages into bread, and I even regretted that.
We started down the driveway. Everything about him disgusted me, his smell, the tone of his voice, and especially his touch. The way he positioned his arm around my waist as if he was trying to touch me lovingly, like it should feel good or something, when in the past he’d used those same hands to inflict so much hurt on me, my body didn’t know any better, almost enjoying the human contact, but my mind definitely knew it was merely his need to possess me. Every part of me. Any time he was near me.
The shortcut to the bakery took us through a wooded path and was much shorter than the main roads, but my instincts told me not to go into that dark forest with him. The sun was rising, and I had that trail memorized from years and years of taking this very route, but something about going in there with him made me feel disgusted. I wasn’t worried I wouldn’t make it out alive, that would be a great mercy. I was worried about how he might try to use those ‘loving hands’ on me if we were outside of reach from the rest of the town.
Who was I kidding?
He could rape me in the middle of Main Street and nobody would bat an eye. It’s not like there weren’t witnesses present the last time it happened. At least they would be forced to live with that image for the rest of their lives. It was really depressing that that was what I found comfort in.
“Why are you pulling that way?” he asked. “I figured you’d want to take me in the woods so you could try and use that knife you stole from your mother.”
My blood stopped pumping. My ears began ringing. I had to remind myself to breathe. His grip tightened on my waist.
“Why would you say that?” I stammered. I should’ve known better. I knew he watched my every move. He watched everyon
e’s every move. It was his job. I felt so stupid, angry that I assumed for even one second I could get away with something like this. “Why do you think I would ever try to hurt you?”
He tugged my arm, pulling me onto the dark trail. The canopy of trees blocked out most of the dim morning sunlight, and before I could even get two steps in, I tripped on a root, nearly falling flat on my face. He tugged me upright, as if he was trying to prove his ability to protect me. I knew he was gloating.
“Hannah, you hurt me just by existing. Every time you defy me, it’s like a knife through my heart.”
“I don’t defy you,” I said. I was a good Chosen. I always did what I was told. I learned that fighting back was futile after that first night.
“You defy me with your mind, Hannah. You defy me with your body. You might not think I’m as smart as your friend Doctor Leeman, but I know my disciples better than they know themselves.” The way his fingers brushed up the back of my spine sent a chill down it, and not the good kind. “It hurts me worse that you won’t just admit that I know what’s best for you. Do you think I enjoy this game?”
I was afraid to answer that question. I’d seen the look on his face every time he knocked me to the ground, every time he overpowered me, every time he dominated me. It was true bliss, sheer exhilaration. Pure evil.
“Maybe you would be better off courting Racheal,” I said meekly. “I obviously am not fit enough for you, even though my actions say otherwise.”
“You stole a knife from your mother with the intention of using it on me.” His grip on the back of my neck was rough, his dirty fingernails digging into my flesh until I had to bite my tongue so as not to cry out in pain. “Is that not the truth?”
“I needed it for the bakery. Mine was dull.” I tried to keep my voice from wavering. Now was not the time to crack. Before I could say another word, he had his arms wrapped around my entire body, his hand in my pocket. He grabbed the knife, holding it up in the air, the sunlight shining directly on the point. This was it. This was the end. He would drive that thing into my chest, and I would bleed out here in the dark forest. I would be coyote food.