Best Behavior

by Wendy Francis

  “Everything,” she says now, trying to explain. She wants to make him understand so that he won’t feel so bad. But a heavy cloak of exhaustion envelops her again, and her eyes begin to close.

  “It’s okay, honey. You’re not really making sense, but you’ve been through a lot. Just rest now. We can talk later.”

  Roger probably assumes she’s still high on the oxy, that she’s delusional. But that’s not it. How to explain the feeling of deep sadness, the loneliness that sweeps into the house when Roger heads off to work? And sometimes even when he’s home. She knows how outrageous, how ridiculous it will sound. She’s married to one of the most famous lawyers in Boston, for goodness sake! Look at the magnificent house she lives in, look at her handsome husband. She even has a family—of sorts. Most people would give their right arm to emulate Lily and Roger’s lifestyle; she understands how true this is because she used to be one of them.

  Lily can still recall waitressing back in Kentucky at the Ninety-Nine and wistfully watching the families who would drop in for dinner. She’d study the women especially, the way they swiped the milk mustaches from their children’s faces, the loving manner in which they’d lean into their husbands, rest their head on a shoulder, as if they were all a piece of one larger puzzle. How Lily had longed for that life! While she scribbled down their orders on her little white pad, she was also taking notes on how to transform herself into someone better than who she was, than who her mother was.

  But now that she’s living it? She thinks her own DNA might be at odds with such a lavish existence, as if her body is experiencing an allergic reaction to all the wealth and good breeding that surrounds her. With the oxycodone, though, that feeling disappears, vanishing in a blissful poof. With the little pills her life becomes bearable again, the edges muted, shades of purple and lavender coloring everything. She begins to tell her husband, to offer this explanation so that he’ll understand, but he lays a finger across her lips.

  “Shhh. Get some rest.” She feels the coolness of his lips press against her forehead. Again, she tries to swim up from the haze. If only she can explain this feeling of emptiness to him, one that has insidiously snuck up on her over the last few months, she’s sure he’ll understand and her actions will make perfect sense to him. She wants to tell him it’s not his fault.

  “Not you,” she manages to get out, and he squeezes her hand again.

  “I know,” he says.

  “So tired.” Another time, she thinks. Another time and she can explain how she never meant it to get to this point, that she was confident that she could stop the pills after this weekend. That she’s pretty sure that she still can. She just overdid it this weekend. She needed an extra boost to take the edge off, to staunch the feeling that she wasn’t good enough. Can he forgive her? Because she’s so sorry. So sorry to have created such a royal mess for the kids’ graduation weekend. So sorry for everything. They didn’t even get a chance to see the kids’ slideshow.

  She thinks of the photos she posts on Instagram. It’s all a mirage, of course. And if it weren’t so pathetic, it would almost be laughable. Do her followers really think she can be so easily charmed by a cashmere sweater, a chic hobo bag? Perhaps a few years ago, when a part of her believed that money and happiness were intertwined. But who is she kidding? No one, as it turns out.

  She can’t sustain this lifestyle, this relationship. A baby, she realizes, will only prolong the inevitable.

  As much as she loves Roger, it’s all so exhausting, this pretending to fit in. A year and a half of it has nearly killed her. She can’t keep up. It’s quite possible that Roger will never understand this explanation. Maybe they can try therapy. Maybe once she puts the pills behind her and gets a real job or goes back to school, she’ll feel relevant again. But she understands that her husband doesn’t hail from the same universe, probably won’t ever fathom how she feels. And even though she suspects he’ll say he gets it—this sense of being an outsider in her own home—the distance between their two worlds is infinitely, perhaps irreparably, unbridgeable.

  And because of that, she understands that one day she will, most likely, leave him. And her heart cracks yet again.

  TWENTY

  Sunday morning

  “He didn’t have any proof whatsoever. He was just trying to scare me,” Cody says.

  They are loading up one of maybe a hundred packing boxes into the U-Haul trailer that Joel rented earlier this morning. “Okay. Fine, so the photo didn’t prove anything exactly.” He shoves the box back as far as it will go, hoping to make room for the assorted lava lamps and footlockers that are headed home to New Haven with them. At least Cody has agreed to leave behind the godforsaken recliner. Dawn’s boxes are already loaded into the trailer, neatly arranged and labeled, in the far back. “I’m more interested,” he says, grunting as he gives the box a final push, “In what actually happened. Such as, was that a finished paper you were handing Eddie and what was in the backpack?”

  Cody bends to lift another box. “Don’t worry. My diploma’s safe.”

  “Great. You worked hard for it. You deserve it.” And Joel means it. He understands kids screw up from time to time, and he knows how crushing it would have been if Cody had lost his diploma in a last-minute screwup. Still, he wants the truth. Needs to understand if this was a onetime occurrence or more like an ongoing business arrangement between Cody and Eddie. “I still want to know what happened, especially given what we saw with Lily last night.” He wedges another box into place. “The truth, Cody. Are you involved in drugs or not?”

  He can feel Cody’s eyes on his back, maybe debating if the risk of telling his stepdad outweighs the risk of not telling him. “I promise you, you do not want to lie to me.” Joel climbs out of the trailer and eyes his stepson warily.

  “If I tell you the truth, are you going to tell Mom?”

  Joel shrugs. “I can’t promise you I won’t. Depends on what you have to say.”

  Cody glances around, but there’s no one near them, unless you count the dozens of scattered cars in the parking lot where frustrated parents attempt to fit four years’ worth of their children’s lives into various sized trunks.

  “It was dumb,” Cody says finally. “But it was just that one time, I swear.” Uh-oh. Joel braces himself for whatever’s coming next. “I was super stressed. I didn’t think I was going to be able to finish all my papers and study for exams. And if I didn’t get an A on my econ final, I could have flunked the class. I just needed something to give me an edge. Get me through finals week. And that’s it.”

  “Can you be more specific? What’s a little something?”

  Cody hesitates before hefting another box into the back of the U-Haul. “It was just some dumb Adderall. A lot of kids use it to stay focused when they have a big project due. Eddie said he’d give me some if I’d write his Introductory Psych paper for him. It helps you stay up all night. It’s even legal, so I don’t know what the big deal is.”

  “Correction—it’s legal when a doctor prescribes it for you,” Joel clarifies. “Oh, and that part about writing a paper for someone else? Not so legal.” He’s disappointed in Cody’s explanation, frustrated to hear that the kid really did stoop so low. Something else bugs him, though it takes a few seconds before he lands on it. “Wait a sec. You’re telling me that you wrote a paper for this kid Eddie so that you could get Adderall to help you stay up and study for your finals? That makes no sense. You recognize the irony there, right?”

  “Yeah, well, that was an easy paper to write. I could have done it in my sleep. It only took an hour.”

  Joel waits for the rest of the story to spill out, but just then he spies Meredith and Dawn heading their way across the quadrangle. Cody sees them, too. “Anyway, that’s the basics,” he says.

  Joel runs through the facts as he understands them. Basically, his son cheated. For someone else. For drugs he sho
uldn’t have taken. But, the fact that it’s only Adderall they’re discussing here and not something ten times worse, like crack or oxy, provides some solace. He won’t need to check his stepson into rehab this summer after all, if he’s being truthful.

  “Please don’t tell, Mom, okay? She’ll freak out if she finds out about any of this.”

  Meredith and Dawn are drawing closer. “I don’t know if I can promise you that.” Joel considers how he’d handle the same situation with a student. “That was pretty stupid of you, I hope you realize. Trading a paper for prescription drugs? Idiot move, buddy. You’re lucky no one could prove it.” He feels as if he should say more, offer a lecture about the importance of integrity and how, when you come right down to it, integrity is all you have in life. Your word. But that lecture will have to wait because Meredith and Dawn are only a few feet away. “I’d suggest you start thinking about how and when might be a good time to give your mom the outline of the story. She’s going to be asking, and I find that being truthful is usually the best strategy.”

  Meanwhile, Joel contemplates what kind of punishment he can levy that will fit Cody’s crime. The house could use a new paint job. Yes, he thinks. That should fit in well with Cody’s job as a football camp counselor this summer. Cody can paint the house on the weekends as his penance and reflect on his mistakes.

  * * *

  Dawn and her mom are walking back from the proctor’s office, having just turned in her dorm key. It’s official. She is no longer enrolled at Bolton College. She is free to go out into the world and make her mark, which both excites her and scares her half to death. Earlier this morning, she’d met Matt for coffee and a donut at the corner store before his family left for Chicago. Matt’s dad had been eager to hit the road, not leaving much time to get emotional, which was probably for the best. Their goodbye had been swift and teary-eyed, but Dawn knows she’ll see Matt again soon. Which should be enough to get her through today at least.

  Her mom, though, has been acting weird all morning. Maybe the whole Lily episode has affected Meredith in ways she didn’t realize. Maybe, Dawn thinks, she can atone for her sin of being oblivious to Lily’s pain by doing right by her own mother.

  “How are you holding up, Mom?” she asks casually.

  Meredith waits a beat before answering. “Oh, you know. It’s all the usual emotions. Proud and excited for you guys. And a little sad, I guess, because I’m afraid about what happens after today.”

  “What do you mean?” Dawn works to slide her right foot back into her flip-flop that has slipped off while walking. “Cody and I are going home with you guys for the summer.”

  “I know. But after that. After you go away to Chicago and Cody heads to North Dakota...” Her mother’s voice trails off. “I don’t know. I guess I feel like I’m losing you and your brother both at the same time. That you aren’t going to need me anymore after you head off to your fancy lives halfway across the country.”

  Dawn takes a step back. “Wait a sec. Is that why you’ve been acting so crazy lately?”

  Meredith stops walking and half smiles. “Well, I’m not sure about crazy. That seems a little harsh, don’t you think?”

  “Oh, Mom.” Dawn steps forward and pulls her into a hug. “You know that’s never going to change, right? We’re always going to need you.”

  “I hope so,” Meredith says. “But it feels strange, like I’m finally getting to know you kids as adults, and now you’re about to leave.”

  “Well, you’re still the first person I want to call whenever something good happens—or bad,” Dawn tells her.

  “Really?”

  “Of course! No one gets as excited about my good news as you do. And no one’s a better listener than you when I’m upset. And you know,” she carries on, thinking out loud as they continue walking, “we’ll always have a spare room in Chicago. You can come visit us anytime.”

  “I can’t tell you how nice that is to hear.” Meredith swipes at her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve been trying so hard not to get emotional this weekend. Guess I kind of dropped the ball in the final hour, huh?”

  Dawn laughs softly. “Um, more like the last few months. Honestly? You’ve kind of been a mess, Mom. But I get it. Change is hard.”

  Meredith’s eyes crinkle. “Now who sounds like the parent?”

  Dawn smiles, then shrugs. “What can I say? You taught me well.”

  When they reach the boys, Meredith asks if they’re all packed.

  “Almost. Just a few last boxes to grab. Be right back!” Cody calls over his shoulder and trots up the hill to his dorm.

  “Almost there,” says Joel, shooting her mom a knowing look, which Dawn assumes means he’s eager to get on the road.

  “Yes,” her mom agrees. “Almost there is right.”

  * * *

  Cody checks his phone on the way back to the dorm. There’s a text waiting from Melissa, saying her family is about to head out and can he meet her in the north end of the main parking lot? Sure, he texts back. Be right there.

  The night that he headed into Davis Square to meet up with Matt, he’d bumped into her, again at the Burren, except this time she was with her girlfriends and not some random dude trying to make him jealous.

  “Hey.” He’d gone over to her. “You’re not returning my texts anymore?”

  She’d looked away, flipped her hair, and asked her friends to give them a second. When it was just the two of them, she said, “I suppose I could, but I’m not really sure what the point is? You made it pretty clear what your plans are for next year. That they don’t include me.”

  “Mel, you know that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I was an idiot. I was surprised. You’ve got to give me a few minutes to adjust, you know? That’s pretty big news.”

  She’d twisted her straw wrapper around her finger in tiny knots, forming a paper ring.

  “Anyway, if you want to come out to North Dakota and hang with me, that’s cool. More than cool. We might have to look for our own place, though, because the school was going to give me on-campus housing. I’m not sure they allow couples.” He’d thought it through, how it could work.

  She nodded. “That’s nice. That you’ve thought about it, I mean.” Cody was afraid to touch her, fearful she might slap him, but he took a chance and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close, smelling the familiar honeysuckle scent of her shampoo.

  “I love you, Mel. You know that.”

  “I know.” She’d pulled back and braided her hair into a loose knot, looking thoughtful. “I’ve been thinking about it, too. Maybe I don’t have to move out right away, you know? Maybe I could visit you for a couple of weeks, once you get settled, and we could see how it goes? It’s possible I could be bored out of my mind.”

  Cody grinned. “Yeah, I suppose it’s possible. Unlikely, but possible.” Leave it to his girlfriend to put him in his place.

  That things are back to normal, or the “new normal” as he thinks of it, makes the world seem navigable again. For forty-eight hours, everything had turned topsy-turvy. But Lily is going to be okay (his dad called from the hospital last night to tell them so). His mom and dad have chilled out enough so that they’re not fighting every second, and even though Joel drilled him on the photo (as Cody fully expected him to), that exchange didn’t go nearly as badly as he’d feared. He still doesn’t know who sent the photo of him and Eddie to the dean and his sister, and maybe he never will. He’s all right with that, though. What’s most important is that Melissa wants to see him before she leaves. Finally, it feels as if everything is turning right-side up, the way it should be. He grabs the last two boxes from his dorm room, takes one last look around the emptied-out space, and says a final goodbye. “Later, dudes.”

  When he reaches the parking lot, he spies Melissa right away, the sunlight glinting off her golden hair. She sees him and waves, and he sets down his
boxes so he can run over to her. Because, honestly? It doesn’t feel like he can get there soon enough.

  * * *

  Meredith smiles back at Joel when he says “Almost there” because they both understand it for the euphemism that it is. They’re in the last stages of packing up. They’re almost there, to the end of this, graduation weekend. They’re almost there, to the end of worrying about what could go wrong (as it turns out, nothing they thought and pretty much everything they didn’t). They’re almost there, to the finish line of running interference between in-laws. Almost there, to the end of trying to tamp down jealousies and hostilities and tempers that might flare over the weekend. Meredith thinks back to the world map on their wall at home with its heading Where Have You Been? Funny, although there are only a few pins in it at the moment, if she could poke a green thumbtack through for every emotion she’s weathered this weekend, the map would be flush with color.

  Almost to the end of this particular chapter in the twins’ lives, and, for once, Meredith is beginning to realize that maybe she doesn’t need to worry quite so much. Dawn has a good head on her shoulders, as evident from her quick thinking yesterday when she helped with Lily. She’ll flourish in the Windy City, with or without Matt. And Cody will be just fine, too. His path might not be as straight and narrow as Meredith would like, but then again, whose is? Without the ups and downs of the last twenty-one years, life wouldn’t have been nearly as rich or as interesting.

  And as much as she fears that her children might be leaving the nest for good, her rational side understands that this can’t be. There will be plenty more milestones to celebrate in her kids’ lives, perhaps a graduate school commencement, or a wedding, or a grandchild. Things that will bring them back together as a family time and again. She only hopes that she’ll have learned to be more graceful in her dealings with her ex-husband and his family by then.