by M. Raiya
Vin looked a little taken aback.
I smiled. “A family of shifters doesn’t need as much as a family of humans.”
“Oh, right.” He slowed for a stoplight, then turned up the entrance ramp for the interstate and home. “Your parents and grandfather are barred owls too?”
“Yes. It runs in families. And if shifters want to reproduce, they have to mate within their own species. Otherwise they can’t bear young.”
“So how true is what you read? About werewolves and things.”
I smiled. It was good to be able to talk openly, finally, without fear of anyone overhearing. “Well, I know a few wolf shifters, but they aren’t tied to the phases of the moon. I mean, we all like a nice full moon. But we can shift at will. Most of us shift to wild animals, as opposed to domestic ones. There are lots of eagles. I have a friend who’s a raven, and there’s a whole herd of deer. They can’t shift during hunting season, obviously. There is a family of feral cats who live in our town. To be honest, they’re the most mysterious. I guess even domestic cats are pretty wild, right? Even I can’t tell a real cat from a cat shifter. They’re adorable as kittens, though, shifting back and forth to human baby form with little furry ears until they get it figured out.”
Vin closed his mouth and focused on the road. There was quite a bit of traffic. “How many of you are there? Have I seen other shifters?”
I shrugged. “Probably. Think about all the stories of people turning into hawks, or seals, or whatever. I’m sure I’m not the first or the last to shift in front of a human. I don’t know exactly how many numbers there are of active shifters today. There are a few who go wild and never return.” I paused a moment and controlled a shiver, then continued. “And there are some who are just the opposite and never shift out of human form. They don’t tell their children the truth, and so the talent gets lost after a while. I saw a deer once who gazed up at me, and I could tell she had shifter ancestry, but she didn’t know it. I called to her, but she took off, and I never saw her again.”
“Whoa, that’s so sad.”
“Yeah.” I laid my head back.
“Tired?”
“No. Relaxing.” Well, trying, anyway. I reached over and put my hand on his leg. He smiled.
A few minutes later, he took an exit and turned almost immediately into the large parking lot of a sprawling mall. For a Friday morning, it had some cars, but wasn’t anywhere near filled. Vin took a spot near the main entrance and looked at me. “Is going inside too overwhelming?”
I loved how sensitive he was. I shook my head. I wanted to be surrounded by humans again, feel the beat of life around me. Besides, my grandfather would be less likely to make his move when I was in public.
“Okay,” Vin said and hopped out of the car.
Feeling a little self-conscious, I took my time getting out. I needed to check the environment and get a feel for the energy of a place before I fully entered it. Vin waited patiently.
“Sorry,” I said as I joined him on the sidewalk a minute later. “Old habits.”
“Hey, it makes sense.” He looked around too. “Nothing stirring, right?”
“Except a flock of house sparrows in those shrubs, a robin in the maple, two mourning doves under the sign, and a crow on the light pole,” I said. “Not to mention that black lab.” I nodded at an elderly dog being walked by its owner over to some green benches.
“Wow, you spotted all that just now?”
I tried not to roll my eyes. Someone with good powers of observation wouldn’t have been snuck up on by a great horned owl. Partly because of that, I turned around and walked backward for a few steps as we approached the entrance. I missed being able to turn my head over my shoulders all the way. It also seemed to take a strangely long time to get from the car to the glass doors. I could have covered the distance in one quick swoop.
As soon as we got inside, I paused again. Vin was ready for it this time and waited patiently. The inside space seemed huge to me, vast and echoing with music and voices and footsteps and laughter and fake sweet odors. Artificial colors on advertisements and displays made me narrow my eyes against their garishness. My hospital room and the ICU cubical had been small and bare enough not to affect me, but this was a lot of stimulation. I suddenly understood why birds who accidently flew into stores through an open door would find a corner to cower in.
“You okay?” Vin asked quietly.
“Yeah,” I said. “Just a little overwhelming.”
“Is it all the people?” he asked.
I shook my head and nodded to the rows of recessed lights that marched overhead. “There are no shadows,” I said.
“Oh wow, you’re right.” He looked down the wide hall before us. The blue and white tiles in neat patterns below our feet were all equally bright. “I never noticed.”
“You had no reason to. I’m used to moving from shadow to shadow, in both moonlight and daylight. And I’m used to searching shadows, because that’s where things hide.”
Vin was staring at me, and I realized this was the moment he fully realized I was more of a wild thing than a human thing. He knew I’d meant that the things in hiding were my prey. In the hospital if I’d suddenly gone crazy, he could have shouted for help. And I’d been restrained by my IV line and general weakness. Now he was walking around with a predator, one who had killed every day of his life for three years. Did he think I might suddenly revert, or that my instincts would take over if I was startled, or angered?
I almost laughed at the thought. My violent past had driven me to become a vegetarian. No fears of me wading into the mall and leaving a bloody trail of bodies in my wake. Besides, my human form was nowhere near as efficient at killing as my owl form, at least without weapons. But it made me realize how much Vin and I still had to learn about each other. It was a little nerve-racking. I would have to prove that he wasn’t in love with a monster.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m good at faking normal.”
He laughed a little nervously.
“Besides, humans are the only animals who kill for sport,” I added softly. “And pay others to kill for them.”
“Assassins, you mean?”
“Well, I’d been thinking about butchers, but that too.”
“I’m sorry, Riel. Just talk to me, okay. Tell me what to do to help.”
I met his eyes for a moment, then nodded to a bench not too far from the door that had a fake but comforting potted tree next to it. “Let’s sit there a moment.”
“Okay.”
He let me set the pace to the green, backless bench and sat down beside me, letting me have the spot next to the tree. The mall was full of mothers with little kids and strollers since school was still in session. There were also some older folks walking briskly, probably for exercise. There were dozens of inviting doorways. All seemed normal.
“Shall we start with something to eat?” Vin said, “or do you want to wander around?”
We’d only been sitting for about five minutes, but I realized that to him, that was a normal amount of time to sit. I, on the other hand, was used to spending hours on the same branch.
I swallowed hard. “Um, wandering is going to be a little tough for me. I’m used to going from point to point, do you know what I mean?”
He looked blank.
“Branch to branch? I mean, when birds fly, they pick a spot to fly to. Unless I’m going a long distance, like between your house and your school. But when I arrive, the first thing I do is find a spot to land.” I hesitated for a moment. “I’m having a little trouble getting my head around the concept of being able to stand still again. My instincts are telling me that if I stop moving, I’ll fall.”
I watched Vin thinking that through. Maybe he would decide I was completely nuts. Damn. It hit me that I was totally dependent on him right now. I had no money, no identification, and a ninth-grade education. Hard as it had been to survive alone in the wild for three years, it would be a little tricky to survi
ve alone as a human, at least at first.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry you’ve got a bird brain for a boyfriend. Literally.”
He looked at me quickly. “No, Riel! I think you’re getting more amazing all the time. You’re making me see the world so differently. A human can stand still, but a bird can’t fly still.” He grinned.
I relaxed a little. “Well, I didn’t used to have this problem. I think I’ll get used to being human again quickly. It’s just because it’s been a while.”
“That’s okay. Tell me when you’re ready to move to the next bench.”
My heart suddenly filled with love for him. “Vin, I’d be in a real mess without you. And your parents, for offering to let me stay with them.”
“Dude,” he said. “You owe me nothing. Who knocked the knife out of my hand that night, and who stayed with me afterward?”
“You don’t owe me for that. I just happened to be the only one there.”
“That doesn’t make it any less important to me.”
I cleared my throat and refused to start crying. I was such an emotional wreck. “Okay. Food?”
“Absolutely. What are you in the mood for? Pizza, Chinese, doughnuts?”
My mood brightened at once. Maybe there would be a feeding frenzy in the mall. I was under no dietary restrictions, and I was more than ready to put the bland hospital cuisine behind me. “All of the above.”
He laughed. “Destination, food court. It’s right up there, on the right. See the end of the row of tables?”
“Locked on,” I said with an attempt at a smile.
We rose together and headed down the mall. I had a little trouble keeping my balance and going straight. It was disconcerting to have my head at the same height all the time instead of swooping up and down with wingbeats, but I didn’t mention that to Vin. He thought I was crazy enough already. If he tried to throw me a stick now, I doubted I could catch it.
After a few moments, we reached a corridor that ran to our right with food stalls lining both sides and small tables and chairs in rows between them. I resisted the urge to land on the first chair I came to.
“Go sit down. I’ll get food.”
I sat thankfully.
“I’ll get us a sampling to start with, and then we can go back for more. Any requests at the Chinese?” That was the first counter.
I scanned the menu, taking in words I hadn’t seen for a long time. “Vegetable lo mien, please,” I said, remembering the delicious noodles.
“All right.” Vin ordered egg rolls, a mixture of Chinese vegetables, and rice, as well as the lo mien. The Italian offering came next, where Vin bought a whole pizza with mushrooms and green peppers and onions, and two slices of garlic bread, and a large salad. And two large colas. “Is this good prey to start with?” he asked as he loaded up our table. “We’ll have doughnuts and ice cream for dessert.
“I’ll love you forever,” I said as he sat down facing me. The smell was amazing. “I wouldn’t be able to get off the ground if I wanted to,” I said and dug in.
Vin laughed. “You need to keep getting your strength back.”
“Feeling stronger already.” I closed my eyes at the taste of the lo mien. Damn, it was good.
We ate in silence for a few minutes. I forced myself to go slow, savoring the taste explosions on my tongue with each bite. Compared to raw mouse, even the hospital food had been incredible, but this was almost more than I could handle. The whole concept of being able to pick and choose what to eat without having to hunt, pursue, and kill was incredibly wonderful.
Still, not having paid for my food made me feel a little odd. I’d been self-supportive for a long time. While I’d been in the hospital, I’d known my parent’s insurance would pay the bill. I assumed the paperwork I’d filled out had been accepted because I was sure that someone would have told me if it hadn’t. But this felt a little weird.
“What’s wrong?” Vin asked.
“It just feels wrong not to own what I’m putting into my stomach.”
“Believe me, you own it,” Vin said, rolling his eyes.
But another thought had occurred to me. “Did I own my prey after I killed it? Just because I’d killed it?”
“Well, you didn’t kill for no reason. You did it to survive.”
I didn’t let him derail me from my train of thought. “Did the great horned owl own me after she took me? And do you own me now, because you drove her off?”
“Dude,” Vin said. “Major in philosophy in college and figure it out. For now, eat.”
I got sidetracked by the thought of going to college. Sitting in a classroom again, taking part in discussions, reading. Reading!
Vin seemed to follow my thoughts. “How did you not notice that bookstore over there?”
The minute I saw it, I felt a little trembly. Still, I wasn’t going anywhere until the last of the lo mien and pizza was gone, and the doughnuts Vin went and got afterward. Finally, comfortably stuffed for the moment, at least, we crossed the main corridor to the bookstore, and I immediately forgot everything except the enticing smell of print.
I touched books, let my fingers run over them lovingly. Stories, dreams, filled with love and pain and desire and triumphs. Worlds to where I’d escaped as a child, knowing that my own reality was the stuff others dreamed of, but wanting so badly what others had—to be able to be myself and not keep myself shrouded in so many layers of secrecy I didn’t even know who I was sometimes. A shifter, gay…. When it had all gotten to be too much, books gave me an escape, a place where I was never alone.
“Wow,” Vin said. “I’m going to have to start reading more, if it’ll make me look that sexy.”
Guiltily, I closed the book I’d pulled off the shelf without even knowing it. How much time had passed? “I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “We should go.”
He laughed. “I’d stand here forever watching you read.”
I flushed and quickly started to put the book back on the shelf.
“Hey, I think you’re entitled to at least one book after all you’ve been through,” he said.
“Vin, I don’t have any money right now.”
“Please” was all Vin said, and I couldn’t bring myself stop him as he went over to the cash register.
A few seconds later he handed me a small bag. He also gave me several twenty-dollar bills. “You ought to have some cash on you,” he said, and gave me a look I didn’t dare argue with. I put the money in my pocket and held on to my new copy of Watership Down like it was a life preserver and I was drowning.
“I’ll love you forever,” I said. I felt like I’d been saying that a lot lately.
Vin laughed. “Clearly, bookstores are underrated as romantic destinations.”
I rolled my eyes.
We walked around slowly after that, giving me a chance to get used to the concept of pausing and stopping and starting walking again. After a while the sensation of always being about to fall began to recede. It felt good to be surrounded by people, to hear voices instead of machine beeps, and to smell life instead of antiseptic spray. Best of all was being openly beside Vin at last. Even though we didn’t hold hands, we touched constantly. Our hands brushed, our elbows bumped. Just a little bit, I missed riding on his shoulder and being able to run my head through his flowy hair anytime I wanted to. Not to mention sneaking a nip to his damn earlobe.
He looked at me, flushing. He had to be telepathic. Or else we were just really tuned into each other.
Somehow, we kept circling back to a jewelry store that advertised free ear piercing. Finally, we stopped in front of it.
“Do you want to?” he asked.
“If you do.”
“My parents will kill me.”
“So will mine,” I said, a little too honestly.
He shot me a look, and then we went in. “Both ears, or just one?” Vin whispered as we looked at the display of starter earrings.
“I need to be in balance,” I said.
“I don’t think that matters anymore.”
Then he hesitated. “Can you do this? I mean, what’ll happen when you—if you—you know?”
I shrugged. “Should still be there. I mean, my clothes come back when I shift.”
“They didn’t this time.”
I controlled a shudder at a memory I didn’t like to think about. My grandfather had made me strip before he’d placed the elan in my back as part of his intention to make it clear he was taking away my humanity. I cleared my throat. “Um, I was sort of naked when—”
“Can I help you gentlemen?” A young woman approached, smiling.
We both turned red and almost bolted, but she was very kind and soon had us picking out earrings for each other as though this happened every day. I chose a pair of bright sapphires for Vin that matched his eyes perfectly, and he picked out a pair of deep topaz stones that were the same golden brown as my hair.
While we waited for a five-year-old girl with a flock of relatives around her to get her ears done, we browsed. Vin got distracted looking at rock star posters, and I spotted what I’d been wanting to get Vin for a graduation present. It was a beautiful little owl pendant carved from some dark brown stone with two sparkling topaz eyes, which were just like my new earrings. I picked out a dark cord necklace and had everything paid for and in my pocket without him noticing. It wasn’t very expensive, and I had technically used his own money, but it had spoken to me, and that was all that mattered.
Finally, it was our turn. The girl hadn’t made a sound, and I didn’t want to be outdone, but after weeks of being jabbed with needles every day, my pain tolerance was nonexistent. I wanted it over with, so I went first. Stoically, I sat down in the chair, and two young women closed in on either side of me. I shut my eyes at the smell of alcohol as my ears were swabbed, and then drew a deep breath, held it, and thankfully didn’t jump and scream as pain jabbed through my earlobes. Then it was over, and two topazes glinted at me in the mirror they held up. The jewelry helped make me look human, I thought. I liked them.