He nodded again. “I’m so sorry.”
As the gate rolled open off in the distance, for the abundance of approaching motorcycles, I asked, “Wait. What’s happening tonight?” I was bolder with Justice. I dared to ask her questions.
She watched as all the Stallions’ chapters piled into the compound. There were so many of them that they came all the way to where we were standing for parking. What the fuck is going on?
A biker got off his bike and hugged Justice, asking, “This him?” He pointed to me. “My new Stallion Brother?”
Ah, shit.
In the Pasture—Stallions’ field behind the clubhouse—with possibly three-hundred bikers watching, Steel Stallions’ Chaplain patched me into a club that constantly stood by my side, even though I came with more baggage than most. With my vest now reading Member, 1%, I stood on one side of the bonfire. Music blared and beers were consumed all around Justice and me as she stood on the other side of the blaze, staring at me.
I tapped my chest. Right here.
Struggling to stay composed, she tapped her chest.
What did life have in store for me now? I was starting to just not care. It was becoming harder and harder to deny my feelings for the female biker, who was stronger than the strongest. I never asked why she fucked Art, and she never asked why I fucked Sapphire. It didn’t matter, because what we cared about most was the fact that we weren’t fucking each other.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
One month later
Discovering memories, for me, was like traveling the world—country to country—across seas and oceans, with no map or boat. All I could do was put one foot in front of the other and hope each step led me right. Many situations and conversations were foreign to me. Besides the Wards, I had no real communication with family or adults beyond receiving instructions from teachers.
The men and women, the people who paid to have sex with me and my little sister? They never conversed with us. They only ‘told’ us things. They expressed how much our bodies excited them, and how our bodies were so worth every penny spent. Even as we cried, they never had a conversation with us, asking if we were okay or even if we wanted to be in their homes. No. They only ‘told’ us we were behaving, being so good—in more ways than one—and that it was almost over. But it never was. Even after being driven or flown home, our bodies and souls ached.
And that was how the years passed.
The money we earned the family could have had us in a lavish home, with expensive cars, but we remained in a shack because drugs and gambling stole it all. I say stole because that is exactly what addictions do. Steal. Except, it is not only the addicted who get robbed.
Standing in the hallway, next to the club kitchen’s swinging doors, I softly banged the back of my head against the wall as Sapphire vomited in the trashcan while wondering what was wrong with her. Her gentle voice… “I don’t get it. I have no fever. Nothing.”
Brat had begged Justice to not involve the club. He begged for us to let everything go back to normal until we were sure there was even a pregnancy to worry about. Not wanting anything to interfere with me getting patched is why she agreed. I shouldn’t have let her do it. I shouldn’t have let her go against everything she stood for. Stallions were her foundation, her strength. Deceit was the opposite of the loyalty she always offered them.
Now Sapphire was with child. Even though we never had sex again, my gut told me whose. My shitty luck wouldn’t let it be Brat’s. Complicated was my motherfucking middle name.
No bunnies, preparing our next meal, said a word. Justice’s voice was the only one heard. “Baby girl, do you think you could be pregnant?”
Saph’s little gasp echoed, punching my heart. “What? No. I’m on the pill. I swear I haven’t screwed it up. Please, Justice—”
“Hey, I believe you. You’re okay. Breathe. Besides, you could just have caught a bug.”
Feeling like I was about to turn fifty, not the eighteen-year-old I was, I watched as one of the doors swung open. When Justice saw me, her eyes showed pain, but then she lifted her chin and came to me. Her palm and long fingers rested on my chest as she peered up to me.
We were alone in the hallway, but I kept my voice low. “If it’s mine, I can’t let another man raise my kid. I can’t.”
She stayed quiet, too. “I know. But, Giver, you can’t claim her.”
Just the thought of officially claiming Saph to the club and being with someone I didn’t want, not like I wanted Justice, made my stomach turn. But, what choice did I have? Every boyfriend my mother had, had beat me! Abused me! That was never going to happen to my own. Never. So, I spewed, “Why the hell not?” Whether or not Sapphire even wanted me was no longer the issue. The kid was. As cold as it sounded, Saph was a damaged girl, a bunny. I knew she would accept my offer; to claim, protect, and provide for her and our baby.
“Because…” Justice’s eyes were so full of concern. Whatever she was trying to decide to say, she was really struggling. She shook her head, changing her mind. “Will you take me for a ride?”
That was the last thing I expected. “You never ride bitch.” The only man she ever would ride with was her brother. That’s it. She’d rather be stuck on the side of the road than have a man lead her anywhere.
After a silence that lasted eons, she asked again, “Will you take me for a ride?”
This was making no sense. “Why?”
“Because…” She nibbled on nervous lips. “I am asking you to choose me.”
My head tilted as my heart roared. It wanted her. I think I had before I ever met her. I was just too much of a pussy to act on it. The suddenly trapped feeling was making me angry. “You know what I want,” I tapped her hand still on my chest, “right here,” then thumbed the kitchen, “but I got a fucking major thing happenin’, Justice.”
Her other finger rested on my lips to calm me. “I’m very aware of the mess we’re in. I’m also aware of how it can get much worse. That’s why you must do right by her…” Her stare intensified. “Kenny.”
Time went still…
In that earthshattering silence, Justice’s loose strands of hair fluttered, as my long exhale brushed across her face. She knows… All I tried to protect her from, hide from her, was over. I had nothing left to lose but her.
“How much do you know?” Does she know what I did to Delilah?
Her exhale was trembling. “All of it.”
My teeth jammed together. “Then why do you want to go for a ride with me?” I’m a piece of shit, Goddamnit.
“Because… even after all that I’ve learned, tragic and not, I’ve realized…” she swallowed, then stared so deep into my eyes, “I will never stop loving you. All of you.”
Whoever came up with her road name, Justice, knew this woman well. When I had looked up the definition of the word, I learned that it meant administering impartial judgment, rewarding or punishing based on being just or fair, and conforming to truth or fact.
For Justice to gaze at me with such affection, after knowing of my deeply regretted violent crime, was a testament to the beautiful person she truly was. It was proof of her magic. Magic that I had come to treasure like a rainbow of gold; she could read a man from a mile away.
I understood what Justice was trying to say. A sweet girl like Sapphire would never be able to handle all that I was.
Justice could.
The strength behind Justice’s voice, even as soft as she spoke such words about loving me, was full of determination and truth. I could feel it. She meant every syllable. That was a melody for my damaged soul. She was in a firm stance, unwavering. Her commitment was bold, yet gentle and sincere.
Air. The most beautiful smelling air seeped in and filled my lungs.
Justice was the only person who had been truly willing to accept all of me. I think she was the only one with the strength to do so. As much as Delilah loved me, or tried to, she had been so young, she lacked the experience to handle a normal man, much less a
violent one with a horrendous past. Sapphire? My tragic ways would eat her alive and spit out the leftover bones of who she once was. Justice—the woman standing in front of me now—was raised on a battlefield, daily. She ran side by side with vicious men. They were ingrained into her world and always would be. She was a lifer.
I was a lifer, too. So, I tossed aside my unrealistic hopes with Sapphire and slipped into a chance with Justice, like a lover gone rogue.
For the first time ever, I took her by the hand and led her through the Barn. All eyes stared, but I didn’t care. After picking up my cell phone off a table, I glared back at every Officer and patched member, daring them to question my actions. Justice letting me lead her was speaking volumes, and all present knew it.
Brat stared in shock. I warned, “When I get back, we need to talk.”
I didn’t miss a step and kept walking.
As we passed Lynx behind the bar, I eyed him. He wiped a palm down his stressed face, but not a word was exchanged as he watched me lead Justice up the stairs…
Bikers in the garage all stopped working when observing Justice grabbing her helmet from her own bike, then walking to mine. Sitting on my self-restored rumbling Harley, I stared at them, too. After a chin lift, they dipped theirs, then went back to work.
Justice slid behind me…
Nothing, no-mother-fuckin’-thing had ever felt so right.
I didn’t ask if she was ready as I shifted my bike into gear. Her resting her chest to my back and her thighs tightening against mine were her signal; Let’s ride.
Riding had come naturally to me. Me and my Harley were an excellent fit. He was meant for me and I for him. My Harley wasn’t a girl; I only had one in my life, and she was holding me tight as we rolled past the open gate.
Me not being too familiar with Austin yet wasn’t a shocker. I hadn’t been permitted out much. Maybe permitted is the wrong word. No one said I couldn’t go explore. I just didn’t. I hadn’t much desire to wander. The feeling of being grounded was an all-consuming need for me. But, as Justice slid her hand down my thigh to show where she wanted me to turn, I realized I’d been missing out.
This right here was… freedom.
Justice, only by more caresses, eventually led us to a quiet spring. The isolated dirt and rocky road was no challenge for me to drive, but told me we would be alone. My body hummed for what may be coming after such a long wait.
With the bike parked, Justice slid off the back. I sat there, watching her undress. I was finally not afraid that I might ‘switch’ and become a vile person with a woman I cared for. Even with all that was happening in my life, Justice loving me was the anchor I craved, the complete opposite of any ‘trigger’ I had.
“You gonna join me or just keep staring?” When she bent over to strip off her jean shorts, her G-string slipped right up her perfect ass. Good God Almighty. Her thighs were thick with feminine muscle, causing me to wipe my mouth as if staring at a delicacy delivered by God himself.
Due to workouts in the warehouse, I had seen bits of her back tats, but never as a whole. I smiled at her tramp stamp that happened to be a cross. Some could take it as being disrespectful to the good lord above, but that was Justice, always flicking off the world, doing what she pleased.
On her right hip was a cluster of flowers with a butterfly flying away. On the broad span of her back was a feminine version of the Steel Stallion emblem. The horse’s face was over to the right some, giving plenty of space for the mane to flow on the left. Instead of the brute Stallion lettering, she had ‘Steel Stallions’ in script and in the flowing hair.
Leaving her boots, shorts, cell, leather cut, gun, knife, and t-shirt aside, Justice took off running in her bra and dental floss. Splash! That biker goddess disappeared in the clear green water.
Justice was a curse as well as an answered prayer. The means to my full self-destruction and saving grace. Was it wise or naïve to get off that bike and undress my hungry body? I would have to say both. If not, it would’ve been a crime to have missed her touch. If I stayed…
Summer was saying goodbye, and Fall was greeting us, but in Texas, it was still plenty hot enough to handle the cool water. The spring was hidden, sheltered in trees, giving the vibe that we were far away from the rest of the world. In my boxer briefs, I sunk into the water and sat with my legs hanging over a big immersed rock. Refreshing water to my ribs, I prepared myself for a talk that needed to happen before we could move on.
From the middle of the small spring, Justice treaded water, her mouth submerged as she stared at me, waiting to see if I was ready.
After rolling my neck, I was sure to warn about the loose cannon she was dealing with. “I’m achin’ to slip between your thighs, so let's do this. Hit me hard and fast.”
With those greys floating right above the water, she winked.
“Babe, I ain’t fuckin’ around. Talk, or watch me swim to you and take you right there. If we drown in the process, it will have been worth it.”
Her lips rose… “I just let you, unofficially, claim me in front of the men I worked so hard to have respect me.”
With a curt nod, I agreed, “I know.”
“I gave you that upper hand.”
My nostrils flared. “You offered. I took.”
She raised a hand from the water, her head tilted in surrender. “That’s fair. But you must admit, following you out of my club was huge.”
I calmed slightly. “No argument there.”
She smirked. “Your hostile side compromising with me?”
“Babe,” I gestured downward, “raging hard over here. Stop fucking with me.”
She pointed to below. “I am literally swimming in my juices because I’m so wet for you right now, so stop the caveman bullshit.”
Keep pushing me. The shit I am gonna do to you—
“You want me to come on your dick, or right here with one swipe of a finger.”
A chuckle rumbled in my chest. “Dick. Continue.”
“The key to figuring out your true identity was Diesel. That dog is loyal as fuck. Unless it’s club business, he don’t wander much from home.”
Fucking internet.
“That’s right. So, I researched that podunk town you used to call home. Imagine my surprise when coming across an article about the young man and his pitiful suicide.”
My spine stiffened. “They think I killed myself? Not just overdosed?” It felt like falling. I was sitting yet sinking. “No! She will blame herself.”
Her tone was gentle. “Delilah.”
I had never spoken her name. Only of her.
With inquisitive eyes, she nodded. “So, I did more diggin’. She’s Viola’s best friend? Damn, you don’t fuck around. A motorcycle club’s President’s sister’s best friend?”
A mean laugh escaped me. “V hated me.”
“Now that surprises me. V’s instincts are usually on point.”
“I take it you know her?”
“Oh yeah. And respect the hell out of her, too. Tough little girl.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m not sure why she’s hanging around someone like your princess.”
“Tell me you’re not jealous of an ex who I hurt and thinks I’m dead.”
“As long as she’s in your heart, bet your ass I will be jealous.”
“Babe, she’s not—”
“You lie to me, even once, and we will never be the same.”
That was fair. So, I nodded.
“So far, you haven’t lied. Just been under a gag order and tried to protect me.”
And here we go.
“Is it true? Did you rape her?”
“Who told you that?”
Her lips pursed.
Goddamn Artist. “Is that why you fucked him? You were mad at me?”
“What I did with Art is none of your business.” I opened my mouth, but she shut it with… “Just like what you did with Saph is none of mine.”
Wanna throw stones? I smirked. “Did he tell you? That he
was in love with her, too?”
She lifted a brow. “Was?”
Suddenly feeling tired, my shoulders caved. “I’m a different man from who I was.” I huffed frustration. “Becoming who I am now, I’ve realized I wasn’t a man at all back then.”
“You make it sound like it was so long ago.”
My fight was leaving me. “How it feels. Ages ago.”
Justice calmed down, too. Her voice grew kinder. “Art didn’t tell me.”
“But… Then… How?”
“You did.”
I had never discussed such details with her. My ears began to ring… “What are you talking about?”
She swam closer to me. “After I figured out who you were, I rushed to your room to tell you we could talk openly now. I had been researching all night while everyone slept. Two A.M. is a rough time to wake someone not expecting it.”
The head on my shoulders didn’t feel like mine as it wobbled and weaved as if trying to move away from her words. “No.” I could feel my whole upper body begin to sway. “No.”
She came even closer… “He protects you.” Standing on the rock below my hanging feet, she reached for my knees.
“No.” My mind went dark immediately. I kept seeing Justice’s hands pushing against my chest, just like with Delilah as I tore through— “No!” I jumped up to my feet, needing to run away from the agony I was convinced I’d caused her. “I can’t do this again. They should’ve killed me!”
“Wait!” She grabbed what she could reach of my legs. “Wait! Please, hear me out. Giver. Please—”
It was too late. The pain was too great. I roared, “Let me go!” My eyes scanned for my pile of clothes. If no one had the balls to kill me, I was going to do it myself.
Reading me, Justice instantly knew of my deadly plans. “No!” She knew I was looking for my gun, so she refused to let go of my calves. “No! Don’t you even think about it!”
“It ends now!” I tried to take a step forward, but the woman is strong. I tripped up and fell forward, my chest slamming to the embankment as I reached for my clothes. I was too pissed and scared to feel any of my own pain due to the fall but felt immediate pain when hearing her scream. My chest seized. “Babe?” I peered over my shoulder to see her wincing, holding her arm. “Oh shit!” I scrambled, splashing through the water to turn around and help her. “Where did I hurt you?”
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