Terminal Regression

by Mallory Hill

  He sat on top of the toilet seat, looking so defeated. I knelt down in front of him.

  “I’ve never done this before. Bear with me?”

  Reluctantly, he nodded.

  Slowly and carefully, I brought the blade to his skin, letting it glide down across his jaw. I’d never had the patience for painting. I’d spend no more than ten minutes on a piece before it started to frustrate me too much. But I’d have spent an eternity on Will, making sure I was gentle enough and smooth enough. My hands were capable, the descendants of artist hands. I let him be my masterpiece, working until he was perfect.

  I wiped off the remaining shaving cream once I’d finished and felt his face for places I’d missed. His eyes were stone. I’d never seen him so angry and so broken all at once.

  I took a deep breath. “You realize what this means, don’t you?”

  He stared at me, not wanting to admit it, trying so hard to be brave.

  “You’re not going to work today.”

  His breathing started getting heavy, like he was moments away from sobbing. But he nodded.

  “And tomorrow we’re going into the tunnel.”

  He must have had every muscle in his body clenched, trying to stay in control. But with the saddest grunt I’d ever heard, he dropped his face into his hands.

  “I don’t want to die!” he cried. “I should be stronger than this! It shouldn’t be so easy to kill me!”

  How I managed to hold myself together will forever be a mystery. I stood up and reached around him to rub his shoulders. He was like a rock, with too many knots for me to count. He stayed hunched over, breathing deeply while I worked on him. It was hard with the back of the toilet in the way, but I moved down into his arms hoping to calm the nerves in his hands.

  Finally, he sighed and stood up. “Thank you… Tell me you need me.”

  I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him as well as I knew how. “I need you.”

  He nodded. “Tell me you can’t live without me.”

  I felt everything in me crumbling, but I didn’t cry. “You know I can’t, Will.”

  It was shameful how dependent I was, but I was hardly a person without him. I was emptiness drifting in a sad, pointless void. He was my whole world.

  He took a deep breath. “Then I’m not selfish for letting you do this. We’re going to save you, not me. We’re going for Grant and Mimi’s marriage, for the prisoners, for everyone who’s been wronged or abused. Not for me.”

  Even now he wouldn’t be weak. I’d never admired or despised anything more. Will was a hero. He was wired to be selfless even when he was the victim.

  I kissed him again, wishing I could do more for him.

  “I need to talk to Grant,” I said. “I’ll be back soon. Please try to rest for tomorrow.”

  I left him for the last time. I was determined. From here on out, we were together. We were together for the rest of our lives.

  Chapter 26

  <<<

  Grant had come to expect me in his office. I’d brought the folder of information with me to plan a good time to leave. He seemed to understand what was happening when he saw me.

  “It’s time?” he guessed.

  I nodded. “He’s losing it. We can’t take much more.” I opened the folder and got out the train schedule. “I want us to leave tomorrow morning.”

  He shook his head. “Departures leave in the morning. The train will be coming here.”

  I looked over the schedule. “There’s one going to Terminal A at eight.”

  “That’s a different track. It runs under the city longer. And it’s heavily monitored.”

  “There’s more than one track?”

  He pulled out the map. “That’s this blue line. The red one here also goes into the city. It’s how we get food and things delivered from the farm and factories. If it was a delivery day, you could ride that track to the market. But no one will let you near the blue track.”

  This was turning out to be more complicated than I’d thought.

  “What’s on the blue track then?”

  He hesitated. “Children. Anyone born here is immediately shipped to the Terminal A child care department. It’s so they have a chance at life.”

  I stared at him in total disbelief. “They separate families?”

  “Are you really surprised anymore?” he asked bitterly.

  I shook my head. “Wait, so… When Mimi—”

  “Mimi doesn’t know… I don’t know how to tell her. She’s wanted kids since we were teenagers. I’ve always been wary, what with my birth defect, but we’re in a place now where it’s very possible, and there’s not much we can do. I’ve taken so much from her. I can’t put her through something like that. I can’t put either of us through something like that. Laura, if I have to ship my baby off to live with strangers…” He shook his head, evidently having given this a lot of thought.

  I felt a rush of panic, but swallowed it down. This was just another reason to go. Motivation could only strengthen my resolve.

  “It won’t come to that,” I promised. “So I stay on the black track? It’s a straight shot to the terminal?”

  He nodded, composing himself. “You’ll have to walk it. There will be a train coming in, but they make the tunnels wide for maintenance. You’ll be fine.”

  I looked everything over before putting it back in the folder. “Okay, I guess I’m ready.”

  “Okay. Could you talk to Mimi before you go? Make sure she has a chance to say goodbye?”

  I’d already been planning on it, but I understood his concern. He’d left her for the terminal without so much as a word. Now saying goodbye had an odd sense of finality. But I nodded and went to find her.

  “Laura,” Grant called when I got to the door. “In case something goes horribly wrong and I never see you again, I think you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

  I didn’t know what to make of that. I ran away by nature. Avoidance and evasion were my weapons of choice. Even now I was only trying to outrun my problems. But I could tell he meant it. And I was grateful.

  I was sure Mimi would be thrilled. After all, this brought her one step closer to getting out of here and making a more complete recovery.

  She was hanging out with Seth and the gang, waiting for me to finish my business with Grant. I approached the group with caution, hoping no one would suspect anything.

  “Hey,” I said as casually as possible. “Can we talk?”

  She smiled. “Sure. What’s up?”

  I glanced at the others. “It’s about Will. Grant told you about him, right? How he’s been sick lately?”

  Her smile fell as she caught on. “He did. Is everything okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, for the most part, but I am going to have to leave for a little while. He needs to be taken care of.”

  I hoped I was being clear enough. The weather had taken a turn, so the greenhouse was crowded just about everywhere. Privacy didn’t appear to be a viable option.

  “Aw, Will’s sick?” Seth and his gossiping man-bun decided to join the conversation. “What’s he got?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay, what is with you? Do you ever mind your own business?” I knew I wasn’t supposed to snap at people, but this guy needed to give it a rest.

  “Sorry,” he said with less sincerity than I would have liked. “It’s just that my business isn’t as exciting as yours.”

  Oh, the stories I could have told that boy! But I held my tongue. Of course my life seemed better than his, just like Grant and Mimi’s seemed better than my own. In actuality, we were all suffering in some way or another, each of us waging our own internal wars. For all I knew, Seth could have been right.

  “When are you leaving?” Mimi asked, ignoring the little interlude.

  “I’m heading home right
now. We’ll get some stuff in order and then tomorrow it officially begins.”

  She nodded. “Well, let me walk you out.”

  We went out into the muggy air of an overcast day, which I was trying my very best not to interpret as foreboding. She stopped me when we were a fair distance from the greenhouse.

  “So you think you’re ready?” she asked.

  “I think we can’t put it off any longer. But I’ve got a pretty good idea how to start. I’ll work out the rest once we’re on the other side.” A lot of the plan depended on how my presence in the city was received. It was up to the people to decide my next course of action, if I’d have to take the time to convince them or if we could just jump right into collaborative efforts.

  Mimi sighed. “I guess this is it then. Be careful.”

  “I’ll try… Take care, I guess. It might be a while so don’t expect any immediate changes. I’m sure it’ll be quite the process.”

  She nodded. “I know. I’ll miss you.” She hugged me tightly and started to get all worked up.

  Sometimes emotions are contagious. You don’t really mean to or want to, but suddenly you start getting that stuffy, tingly feeling up in your sinuses as your body tries to empathize with those around you.

  I fought to keep my cool. “Yeah, me too. It won’t be forever, though. I mean, it’s not supposed to be.”

  She wiped her eyes. “Right. Well, go on and save the world. Don’t let me keep you.”

  I wanted to say something nice and sentimental in case we never saw each other again, but it seemed I lacked the capability to do so. I just nodded and waved and hurried away before things got too awkward. I really hoped that wasn’t the last time I’d see her.

  Will was obediently resting when I returned. I curled up with him and decided I needed to rest as well. Getting back wouldn’t be easy, but it had to be done.

  It was weird to think I’d be going home. I’d been so ready to get out, convinced that that life was the worst I’d ever know. In a way, it was. I’d been unfulfilled. I’d had nothing to give me hope or joy. But if I hadn’t found Will, I’d have been in the same position here. He was what made me care about people. He’d made me believe there was something admirable in myself, something worth saving even in the most pathetic of people. The farm had done nothing but show me time and time again just how pathetic people could be.

  Still, it was now what I was accustomed to. Life would be so different on the other side now that I knew the truth. And I had to wonder how Mom would take it. Would she mind if I showed up back from the dead and shattered her illusion? Would she allow me to keep a sick prisoner under her roof? Maybe I’d leave that part out. She’d allow my sick boyfriend to stay without hesitation. It would be a dream come true for her probably.

  I wondered what she did with her life now. She’d probably gone full swing with art, completely redecorating the house, hosting girls’ nights all the time. Maybe without the constant reminder of Dad in the house, she’d even be dating. That didn’t sit well with me. As far as I knew, he was still alive, and that meant they were still married. My one regret was not finding him while I had the chance. I was afraid he’d changed, but I should have at least found out if he was okay in his new life.

  Will rolled over to face me. “I’m supposed to be the big spoon,” he said sleepily.

  I smiled. “You feel better?”

  He sighed. “Yeah. It’s a good thing we’re doing. I know I’ve been stubborn about it, but you’ve been trying to do what’s right, breaking the rules for the good of mankind. That makes you a vigilante.”

  Him and his hero complex. “Does it?”

  “Totally. And I happen to find that extremely hot.” He touched his lips to mine for only a moment.

  “Yeah, I bet you do… So we’re good?”

  “We’re perfect. What’s our strategy tomorrow?”

  I touched his face, admiring my shaving skills. “We’re going to have to walk. It’s a straight track, only a couple of miles long. We should be there in no time; less than an hour. Think you’ll be okay?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I can make it. Still, that’s pretty long to be underground. You’re sure you’re not claustrophobic or anything?”

  “No, I kind of like tight spaces.”

  “Really?” He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer. “How’s that?”

  “Wonderful.” I wished he’d shut up and kiss me again, but he was being proactive, which was a good idea.

  “And once we get there?” he asked.

  “We’ll stay with my mom. You’ll rest for a while, and I’ll work with her and the artists on spreading the word. It won’t be hard. They live for expressing themselves.”

  He pouted. “So you get to do all the fun stuff.”

  I snuggled closer to him. “That’s not the fun stuff, you big baby. The fun stuff is what I get to do with you once you’re healthy.” I blushed, immediately realizing that might not have come across as innocently as I’d meant it.

  “No kidding,” he agreed, touching his forehead to my own. “You know we’ve never even gone out together? I’ve checked it out, and there are absolutely no date locations in this place.”

  “Date locations?”

  “Movies, restaurants, scenic picnic spots. Anything with entertainment potential.”

  It was true. Entertainment didn’t seem to be on the agenda for Terminal B. Back home, it was unavoidable. It was what fueled my mother’s every action.

  “That’s artist stuff,” I said fondly, remembering that totally genuine sense of accomplishment she felt just by making people happy.

  He smiled. “One might say love itself is an art. Don’t you think?”

  I shrugged. “It wouldn’t surprise me. I was a mediocre artist, and now I’m turning out to be a mediocre lover.” Nope. Not the right wording. “I mean, I can’t love very easily. I’m not very good at—”

  “I get it,” he assured me, sparing us both from more of my awkward floundering. “You’re better than you think. I mean, if this is all preliminary, I can’t imagine how good you’ll be when the real thing hits.”

  I smiled, so enthralled by this beautiful man. “I got so lucky with you,” I said. “What girl gets an I love you on the second day? Who gets to just do this, spend every night together right off the bat? Sure, most of the time it’s been absolutely God awful, but… I mean, we’ve only been dating a couple weeks. That’s all. And already I just… It’s unreal.”

  I’d always thought of myself as practical. Maybe a little idealistic and a touch romantic in my earlier days, but I never imagined I’d be the sort to let myself fall so hard for someone. It was a feeling that consumed me and pushed me to take gigantic risks and do something with my life. It was such a major part of me now, and that was a little frightening.

  “Are you all right?” Will asked softly, brushing my hair back behind my ear.

  I nodded. “Yeah, it’s just that… Will, the way I feel about you… It kind of scares me. It’s so new and so fast and so desperate. Is something wrong with me?”

  He smiled softly. “Absolutely not. We have something special, Laura. And there’s no wrong way to fall in love.”

  I was still afraid to call it love. I felt like once I said it everything would be too real. What if I couldn’t save him? How could I lose someone I loved?

  “I want to love you,” I whispered, a particularly warm blush creeping up my neck. “I want to so much, but things like this are hard for me. Opening up to people, trusting people. I don’t know why, but I can’t help being afraid.”

  “Hey, don’t ever think I’m trying to rush you. You can love me or not love me, whatever’s the truth. That’s all I want from you.”

  I looked at him for a while longer as my heart filled with sappy mush. Then I groaned and looked up at the ceiling. “Why are you so perfect?�
�

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. You must have crazy low standards I guess.”

  I shot him a look. “Shut up. You are beautiful.”

  He chuckled, and I pulled him in for a kiss. He wouldn’t let me keep him there very long though.

  “Laura, it’s not going to be easy for me tomorrow. Much as I’d love, and I mean love, to make out with you all night, I think it’ll have to wait a day or two.”

  I got all pouty. “So I get nothing? Not even five minutes?”

  He sighed. “If I start, I won’t want to stop. It’s your own fault really. If you weren’t so good at it, maybe I could make myself quit in five minutes.”

  I knew he was being responsible or whatever, but this was our last day before everything in the world changed. I wanted to spend it totally immersed in him, no doubts, no fears, just whispers and kisses and pure ecstasy.

  “Fine,” I grumbled. “But you owe me.”

  He grinned. “And I look forward to that.”

  We finished the day resting for our adventure, taking a break for food eventually. It was actually really nice to just lounge around like that for a change. I might have slept well if not for the impossibly humungous burden of changing the world the next morning.

  Chapter 27

  <<<

  It wasn’t hard to get to the terminal. There was no one around, and we acted casually enough as not to raise suspicion if they were. So before long, we were underground, peering into the darkness that lay beyond.

  Will took my hand. I remembered the last time we were here. We were saying goodbye, thinking it was the end of our lives. That was actually a greater possibility now than it ever had been.

  There wasn’t much to see. Just a long, dark tunnel with a track down the middle.

  “We’re really doing it,” Will said as we moved along the track. “It shouldn’t be this easy.”

  “Don’t be paranoid,” I said, sort of to both of us. “People tend to ignore the obvious. There’s no reason it should be any harder than this.”

  He shrugged. “I guess. So what do we talk about for the next hour?”