Feel My Love: The Damaged Series - Book Two

by Shayne McClendon

  “I don’t...understand. I told her it didn’t matter.”

  “Leo. Amelia was eighteen, recovering from a traumatic experience, and dealing with a lot of new input. She was in pain. Thinking emotionally, not logically.” Rising to her tip-toes, she kissed him. “Live your life but I don’t believe the door to her is truly closed. I know that if we go much longer, I’m going to become a surrogate that you cling to and I’m way too sassy, selfish, and independent for that.”

  “Can we still talk?”

  With a wink, she nodded. “You’re still a client after all.” She dropped one more kiss on his lips and said, “You’re one classy motherfucker, Leo. See you around.”

  Then Delilah walked around him and inside her building. He stood staring at the sidewalk for a long time.

  Baylor held the rear door wide. “She broke it down perfectly. I’ve been wondering when someone was going to point out the obvious. It’s freezing out here. Get in the damn car.”

  Shaken to his core, Leo did.

  He returned to Massachusetts, packed up his life there, and went home to Illinois.

  Taking the bar again was a bitch...but he aced it.

  Chapter Fourteen

  2002 - 2004

  Between the massive trust he managed for his family and the heavy client load he maintained at a firm in Chicago, Leo didn’t have much time to think about Amelia.

  Other than every time he closed his eyes, in the shower, or when he allowed himself the rare day off.

  Every few months, when he went home to see his parents, he stopped to talk with Gil. On one such visit, the man looked haggard and sounded worse. He was clearly drinking heavily.

  Stepping into the foyer, Leo asked carefully, “Has something happened?”

  “Augusta was released from prison last week.” He stumbled as he attempted to close the door and Leo caught him. “I hate that I miss her, I hate that I still love her, I hate myself for far too many reasons to name.”

  “Let me make you something to eat.” Leo led him through the house to the restaurant style kitchen and helped Amelia’s father into a chair. He shrugged off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves to evaluate what food the man had on hand.

  Not much.

  “Aren’t you eating, Gil?”

  “No appetite. I drink my calories these days.” The words were followed by a laugh that dissolved into tears. “I’m alone. Walking around this house waiting for...I don’t know what. The pain gets loud. The booze makes it go quiet.”

  Making some eggs and toast, he placed a plate in front of a man who’d always had a cheerful disposition.

  “Have you talked to Augusta?”

  His hand shook badly as he picked up his fork. “I can’t. Don’t trust myself to even look at her.” Staring into the plate, he added softly, “In my whole life, I never truly loved anyone but her and Amy. I don’t think the softer emotions like that came easily to me. I have lifelong friends, scattered family, you and your folks...but I only love those two women.” He broke down crying. “One won’t speak to me. The other should be a pariah for the rest of her life.”

  Placing his hand on Gil’s forearm, he said, “Eat a little. One thing at a time.”

  “Yeah. One thing at a time. You’re a good boy, Leo. Always have been.” He ate slowly, methodically.

  Removing his cell phone, Leo opened his email. It had been years since he sent a message to Amelia but if there were one to send, it was this one.

  Amelia, I’m visiting with your dad. He’s in bad shape. Drinking too much, not eating, desperately alone. I hope you’ll consider reaching out to him, giving him some hope, and maybe a chance to make as much right between you as possible. He doesn’t seem well and I wouldn’t want you to have regrets. Leo

  Several minutes later, as Gil struggled to eat a little more, Leo received a response.

  Thank you, Leo. I’m booking a flight. Let him know I’ll be there tomorrow. I let things go too long and already have regrets. Amelia

  Fighting to hide the way the news that Amelia would be back in their hometown the next day affected him, Leo quickly washed the dishes he’d used.

  When he felt as if he could form a coherent sentence, he returned to the chair beside Gil and said, “She’s coming to see you tomorrow.”

  Watery eyes lifted. “A-Amy?” Leo nodded and the man stroked a shaking hand through his thinning hair. “I look a mess. I don’t know what to do…”

  “Throw on some clothes and I’ll take you to the barber. Maybe we’ll pick up a couple of new outfits. What do you think? We can get dinner together after and I’ll bring you back here.”

  Looking around the house, Gil murmured, “I’ll call a service to clean the house. H-have them put new linens on the bed and in the bathroom. Give the place a once-over.”

  “That’s a good idea. I’ll call them while you change.”

  Several hours later, Leo braced an exhausted Gil as he went up the steps into the house. “Thank you, Leo. I can’t ever thank you enough. Maybe you should come by…”

  “Amelia isn’t coming to see me, Gil. She’s coming to see you. You deserve her undivided attention.” Baylor carried the clothing bags inside and placed them in Gil’s bedroom before returning to the car for groceries. “The house looks good. The barber sharpened you up. There are snacks and other foods so you don’t worry.” Reaching out, he held Gil’s shoulder. “Try not to drink but if you do, take it easy.”

  “I promise, Leo.”

  “Call me if you need anything. I’m driving back to the city tonight…”

  “Stay, Leo! Just in case…”

  “I don’t say things like that to myself anymore.” He lifted one side of his mouth in a smile. “At least, I try not to. I’ll be back in a few weeks for Mom’s birthday and I’ll come by.”

  “I’d like that. It’s always so good to see you.”

  “Goodnight, sir.” Then Leo turned and went to the car. He told Baylor softly, “Change of plans. We return to Chicago tonight.”

  “Never thought you were a chicken, Leo,” his driver and bodyguard responded.

  “Never thought you were a therapist. Let’s go by the house so I can say goodbye to Mom and Dad. Then we can get on the road.” Baylor mumbled something. “Without commentary, please.”

  “Mm hmm.”

  Settling against the seat, Leo closed his eyes and tried to slow his heart. He had to get out of town before every ounce of logic abandoned him.

  Amelia possessed his whole heart and he began to wonder if it would ever be returned to his chest.

  Available signs pointed to no.

  * * *

  The following day, Leo was getting out of the shower when he received an email from Amelia.

  Leo, I wanted to thank you for letting me know about Dad. He’s in pretty bad shape and I’m glad I came. Augusta is another matter. She’s out of prison but I refuse to see her. I don’t care if I never see her again.

  Dad said you left because you thought it was best. Part of me was relieved...another part, less so.

  I’m sorry, Leo. I’m sorry for all of it.

  Amelia

  He started to write her back. He wrote several paragraphs that poured out his heart, made his position clear, and devolved into near begging to have her back in his life.

  Setting the phone away mid-sentence, he got dressed and made himself dinner. After he poured a glass of wine, he re-read what he’d written and deleted the entire thing.

  I’m glad you’re spending time with him. I’m sure it’s good for both of you. I don’t blame you about Augusta.

  I’m certain my leaving was for the best. Visit with your father without stress. There’s nothing to apologize for, Amelia. I hope you’re happy. Leo

  Then he ate dinner, washed dishes, and went to bed. Staring at his ceiling with his hands folded behind his head, he wondered if he and Amelia ever would find their way back to one another.

  At the moment, he felt incredibly lost.


  * * *

  Throwing himself into work more than ever before, Leo used his clients to numb his obsessive thoughts about Amelia.

  He set a reminder in his phone to call Gil every week right after his own parents so Amelia’s father felt less alone.

  During one conversation, the older man chuckled and said, “I feel better than I have in almost a decade. I told Amy we talk every week and she said you were the kindest person she ever met. She doesn’t know the half of it. It’s good of you to send your people by, Leo. You don’t have to do that but your mom sure makes me laugh while your dad tries to remain dignified. They make a great team. I’m glad Amy is talking to them again, too. They’re good for her.”

  The information stunned Leo. When they hung up half an hour later, he dialed his parents’ house.

  The moment his mother answered, he asked, “You talk to Amelia?” She gasped softly. “Gil was happy about it, said it was good for her, so I thought I’d ask.”

  Clearing her throat, she replied, “Aye. We talk te her. It started when ye let her know about her dad. She came by te see us and…”

  “She was at the house?”

  “Leo…”

  “Amelia visited our house and you saw her face to face? You didn’t think that was important to mention, Mom?”

  “Ye left and she thought…”

  “Oh, please tell me what she thought, Mom.” He pressed the bridge of his nose with his finger and thumb. “Never mind.” He swallowed hard. “Never mind. I’m glad Amelia is visiting her dad, my parents, and is apparently doing well - wherever she is. That’s what matters. I talk to her dad every week so she might as well talk to you, right? The rest of our lives, we can cross paths without ever setting eyes on each other. That should be all kinds of healthy for everyone involved.”

  “Leo…”

  “Mom, I think it’s great. I have a solid relationship with Gil and she has one with you and dad. We’ve all known each other a long time. Those attachments are inevitable. The next time you talk to her, tell her I said hey. Or don’t bring me up at all. Actually, the second one is better. I gotta run, Mom. I love you. Give my love to Dad.”

  He quickly hung up the phone and strapped on his iPod. Nothing was going to help other than running until he was too exhausted to function.

  The following morning, he had an email from Amelia.

  I don’t know what to do, Leo.

  He replied instantly and let her see a small piece of his pain.

  You’ll figure it out. Making choices without my input should be easy by now. I’m glad you’re talking to my parents. I know they’ve missed you. Maybe in another decade, we can speak to one another face to face like adults. Until then, take care of yourself.

  Amelia didn’t respond and he didn’t expect her to. He went to work, went to the gym, and dated rarely and utterly without substance.

  Over the years, he and Delilah kept in touch. When she got engaged four years after they met, Leo was invited to the wedding.

  Curious about the man savvy enough to win her heart, he attended solo. Choosing a seat in the back of the church, Leo was speechless when Delilah appeared in the aisle.

  She was beautiful, glowing, and he was overcome by the fact that Amelia would have looked like that on their wedding day. Bracing himself on the back of the pew in front of him, he released a small sigh of pain. The only sound he couldn’t contain.

  Delilah’s eyes landed on Leo and for a moment, the smile slipped from her face. Then she winked and walked to the altar to her waiting husband-to-be.

  He planned to leave the moment it wasn’t obvious but one of the bridesmaids appeared beside him as everyone began filing from the church.

  “Leo? Delilah asks that you please stay for the reception. She wants a moment to talk to you.” The young woman gave him a bright smile. “Her first client.”

  So he joined the other guests in filing from the church to a beautiful barn on the other side of a clearing. He was enthralled with the decor, the obvious history of the structure, and was tracing a section of the wood when Delilah appeared beside him.

  Wrapping her fingers through his arm, she led him outside. “Do you see that patch of land there? The one with a sort of charred look?” Leo nodded. “There used to be a trailer there. A small one where I lived with my mom, dad, and three sisters. My dad couldn’t read and took odd jobs all his life. Mom worked cleaning houses and watching other people’s kids. I took care of my sisters.”

  She turned to face him, a vision in delicate white lace. “Two years ago, I bought that land. A year ago, I burned that trailer to the ground. Last year, I built something new.”

  He shielded his eyes from the setting sun and took in the row of houses. They were pretty, cozy, with well-kept yards and gardens in the back.

  “One for my parents and one for each of my sisters. This barn has always been here and I bought the land it sat on. It was infested with rats and bats. I had them captured, had this old building scoured, and used it to celebrate my wedding in a church we were too ashamed to step inside two decades ago.”

  Hand on her hip, she smiled. “Tomorrow, when all the chairs and tables are gone, I’m going to let them put the rats and bats back in their home. I’ll take off this fancy dress and wear my glasses instead of contacts. My new husband will pull on work boots and spend the day digging a drainage trench with a backhoe for a new housing development.”

  “I’m happy for you, Delilah. So happy.”

  “The life I have now is one I fought to get. I scratched and clawed and worked four jobs to get my books when scholarship money ran out. Your life is gentle, intellectual, and dignified. If you’d been raised like me…” Sighing, she shook her head. “I thought you’d be here with Amelia. That you’re not tells me one or both of you is hella stubborn.”

  She grabbed his upper arms. “You need to burn shit down, Leo. Burn it down and build something new.” Gesturing down her body with one hand, she asked, “You wanna see Amelia like this? Burn everything that went before down and build on the ashes.”

  Blinking in stunned fascination, he didn’t know what to say.

  “Now! Let’s get a drink in your hand and come meet the cagey motherfucker who talked me - of all people - into marriage. That’s a story you need to be drunk to hear.”

  He laughed. “Then we better get started…”

  * * *

  Back at his hotel, Leo laid in bed staring at the ceiling for hours. He understood what Delilah meant but wasn’t sure how to go about burning down the past.

  He drifted to sleep and dreamed about Amelia.

  The following day, his mother called. He answered with a smile. “Yes, Delilah still looks like…”

  “Leo. Gil died last night.”

  “What?” he whispered.

  “The paramedics say heart attack but we won’t know for sure until they run some tests. They said it seemed te be painless. A miracle that.”

  “Did you call Amelia?”

  “Yeah. It’s...hittin’ her pretty hard.” She took a deep breath. “Ye need te be here for the funeral, Leo.”

  “I-I don’t know. I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s going to be enough without…”

  “Leo. Ye will attend the funeral of a man ye’ve known since ye were fourteen. I know the relationship ye shared with Gil the last years. Ye need te be here.”

  Rubbing his hand over the back of his neck, he nodded. “Alright, Mom.”

  “Happens in three days.”

  “I’ll be there.” Anxious, distraught, and uncertain...but he’d be there.

  They talked for a few minutes and Leo struggled to keep it together…again. When would his life feel normal? When would he be able to move on from the train wreck of emotion? Would there ever come a day when he could think about Amelia and not freak the fuck out?

  At the wedding brunch an hour later, Leo spoke to Delilah and explained that he was going to drive back a day earlier than he originally intended.
/>   He’d planned to walk around Indianapolis for a change of scenery before heading home.

  She gave him a gentle smile. “I’m so happy you could be here and I’m sorry about Amelia’s father. Keep me posted.” Leaning up, she kissed his cheek. “Looks like the first match was just lit. Fan the flames with everything you’ve got.”

  Dazed, Leo shook her new husband’s hand. “A pleasure to meet you Vaughn.”

  “Same, Leo. You’re as cool as Delilah said. Aren’t you glad I didn’t end up lookin’ like you?” The blonde winked and Leo chuckled. “Go get the original. I’ll keep this fine ass copy safe and sound.”

  Rolling her eyes, Delilah said, “How many times...I’m older so that makes Amelia the copy. Duh.”

  “Right, darlin’.” Vaughn wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her hair. “Drive safe, man.”

  An hour later, Leo was checked out and Baylor was driving to Chicago. He needed to stop at his apartment to get an appropriate suit for the funeral.

  Out of nowhere, it hit him that Gil was dead. As if the news hadn’t really filtered in before.

  He cried remembering every conversation he’d had with Amelia’s father. He thought about the years when Amelia was his - and their futures were braided together.

  He couldn’t help but wonder how the years had treated the only woman he’d ever really wanted – who hadn’t wanted him nearly enough.

  Attending Gil’s funeral might give Leo closure where Amelia was concerned. Maybe he could finally put her in his past and move on.

  “Good luck with that,” he murmured sadly.

  Would Amelia talk to him if they ended up in the same place?

  Could he handle seeing her?

  He was alternately nervous and angry, unsure what the next few days would bring. He reminisced about the years he’d called Amelia his.

  Leo arrived at his childhood home but when Baylor would have gotten out to get the door, Leo murmured, “Wait.” He took a deep breath and fought the urge to return to Chicago.

  “You’re not a coward so stop acting like one, Leo,” his driver said firmly.