Feel My Love: The Damaged Series - Book Two

by Shayne McClendon

  “Fuck…” Sighing heavily, he nodded. “You’re right. I guess I’ll figure out how to face her when the time comes.”

  Carrying his duffel and garment bags through the side kitchen door, Leo came to a dead stop.

  Amelia stood in the middle of the room with his mother.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The two women turned to him and Leo could see they’d been crying. They were holding hands.

  Amelia’s brown eyes were brighter than he remembered. Designer sunglasses pulled her multi-hued blonde hair away from a face he once knew better than his own.

  Her hair was long again. She wore low-hung jeans, a snug black t-shirt, and black high heels. A leather backpack was slung over her shoulder.

  She carried more weight on her frame than he’d ever seen and it looked damn good on her.

  His eyes flicked down and he realized the charm bracelet he’d given her so many years ago sparkled on her wrist. The sight of that, more than anything, felt like a punch to his chest.

  The silence drew out but Leo didn’t break it. There had been no time to truly prepare for seeing her and he never dreamed she’d be standing in his house.

  In his kitchen…talking to his mother.

  Everything felt surreal. His mind was in chaos. It was as if the eight years since he’d last seen her simply fell away.

  His traitorous mind drank in the sight of her and every cell in his body went rogue.

  It made him breathless and incredibly angry.

  His mother released Amelia’s hands and walked to him. She pulled him down and kissed his cheek. “Welcome home, Leo. Ye made good time.” He nodded, unable to form a coherent sentence. “I’ll let the two of ye talk.”

  As if afraid Amelia would disappear into thin air, Leo couldn’t pull his eyes away from her. His mother patted his chest and left the room.

  Robotically, he set his bags on the small kitchen table. They stared at one another without speaking for almost a minute.

  Struggling for calm, he finally managed, “I’m sorry about your dad. Gil was a good man. He made mistakes but he was still a good man.”

  “Thank you, Leo.”

  Hearing his name from her lips expanded the physical ache inside him until he felt like he could explode. He wondered if she caught his flinch.

  They were quiet again and he didn’t know what to do, what to say, or how to bank the chaotic fury that was like a fire on the back of his neck.

  Twining her hands together, she asked, “Can we talk?”

  A small bark of laughter escaped before he could censor it. He gave a quick shake of his head in disbelief.

  “Sure, Amelia. We can talk. Give me a minute to put my stuff down and we can chat like old friends.” The anger in his voice was impossible to miss. He grabbed his bags and carried them past her to the back stairs.

  Dropping them on the bench at the end of his bed, he was surprised to find her standing in the doorway when he turned. Having her in the last place he touched her made everything so much worse.

  “O-kay…we can talk here, I suppose.”

  “Get it out, Leo. You have every right to be angry.”

  Crossing his arms over his chest, he stared at a woman he hadn’t seen in eight years and hated how much he wanted her. His need for her should have long ago faded from his mind and heart.

  “Thank you for that, Amelia. For giving me permission to be angry.” He laughed bitterly. “You’ve spent eight years hiding, being someone else. Living your own life without me in it. Why the fuck do you care about my feelings now?”

  “I’ve always cared, Leo.”

  “Have you? That fascinates me...to hear you cared after you disappeared in the middle of the night.” Dropping his arms, he smiled tightly. “I appreciate that, Amelia. Now we can be civil, see your father laid to rest, you can go back to whatever it is that you do, and I can finally move on with my life…”

  “No,” she whispered.

  “No? To which part?”

  He walked to the window that looked out on the back yard. He needed a moment to still the raging confusion in his mind. Inhaling slowly, he fought for calm.

  Finally, he told her, “You must feel very much alone with Gil’s loss, Amelia. It’s good you patched things up with him in the end. Feel free to lean on my parents. You know they love you.” Looking at her over his shoulder, he added, “However, if you think I’ll be your support system when you vanished without a conversation or giving a single fuck what you doing so did to my life, you are sorely mistaken.”

  “I don’t want you to be my support system, Leo.” She stared at the floor as if gathering her thoughts. “I made myself strong enough not to need that anymore.”

  “That’s great. I’m happy for you. I’ll see you at the funeral. Let me know if you need anything for the service. It’s the least I can do for Gil. He was a friend to me after you left.” He shrugged. “How he managed it without ever giving away where you were or what you were doing, I have no idea.” He returned to staring out the window. “I appreciated his friendship more than I let him know.”

  “I’m sorry for everything, Leo…”

  “Thank you. I accept your apology.” Clasping his hands behind his back, he murmured, “Allow me to offer my sincere apology for being unable to provide what you needed when you were hurting. It was good to see you again, Amelia.”

  There was a soft thump and the sound of the door closing. Leo exhaled roughly and felt as if all the energy drained from his body at once.

  Then Amelia was in front of him. Without a word, she wrapped her arms around his torso, held him tightly, and laid her cheek on the front of his shoulder.

  He froze.

  He held his breath.

  Then the way her body felt pressed against his fully registered and her scent drifted over him.

  His cock reacted instantly as the rest of his muscles coiled under his skin. He fought his response to her - the way she smelled, the feel of her, every moment her very presence made him remember - but it was his Amelia.

  A sound left him that was part whimper of pain and part growl of possession. Her arms held him harder.

  She was the one being on the planet who made him feel both powerless and superhuman at the same time.

  “Please, Leo. Please.”

  He wrapped his arms around Amelia roughly, one hand fisting the hair at the base of her skull. He pulled her head back and their eyes locked.

  Through gritted teeth, he said, “I should hate you…”

  “Pretend like you do, Leo.”

  Reaching up, she gripped his hair and pulled him down for an aggressive kiss. As her tongue twined around his, every rational thought fled his mind.

  Lifting her, he slammed her into the wall beside the window then went back to eating at her mouth. Her leg gripped his hip and she ground her jeans-covered pussy over his cock.

  She ripped at his shirt and buttons scattered across the wood floor but not all of them. He impatiently yanked it over his head and did the same to her t-shirt. He ripped the clasp on her bra taking it off. Reclaiming her mouth, Amelia’s hands frantically worked at his belt and pants.

  He got her jeans and panties to her hips. She broke their kiss again to kick away her heels and shove the clothes off her lower body. He did the same an instant before she leapt at him, certain he would catch her. The feel of her naked skin against his almost sent him to his knees.

  Leo felt Amelia’s long legs wrap around his waist and grip him with all her strength. It was heaven.

  He positioned himself at her pussy and shoved deep without checking if she was ready. She was wet and hot.

  The years spent suppressing his anger, confusion, and pain made him fuck her harder than he should have. He delivered short, brutal strokes he later recognized were meant to punish Amelia for leaving, for staying gone.

  She pulled his hair hard enough to hurt but he welcomed the sensation. “Don’t stop, Leo. Don’t stop.”

  Not trustin
g himself to respond, he stared into her eyes as he drove his cock deep. He watched the orgasm move through her.

  She screamed his name, pulled him to her, and kissed him hard enough to cut his lip with her teeth. He gave as good as he got.

  She moaned, “Mm hmm.”

  Adjusting the angle of his thrusts, her head dropped back and her eyes rolled back in her head.

  The ecstasy of her pussy milking his bare cock transcended his memories. She tightened the grip of her arms and legs around him.

  He kissed his way over her jaw and down her neck. As she went over the edge of climax, he set his teeth over the thick muscle of her shoulder and bit down gently.

  She left him.

  She’d likely leave again.

  It didn’t change anything.

  Amelia was still his soulmate.

  He lifted his head to watch her face at the moment of orgasm, delivered three more powerful thrusts, and coated her body with his release.

  It felt ripped from his soul.

  They stayed where they were for several minutes, gasping for air. Their hearts pounded against one another where their chests were sealed together.

  Unable to handle looking into her eyes for another moment, Leo buried his face at her neck and she did the same to him.

  Amelia was the only piece missing from his life. To an outsider, it might not seem too bad to have one piece missing...until you realized it was the biggest, most important piece.

  The thought sent debilitating pain through him and left him in complete emotional upheaval. He kept his face against her as tears welled past his ability to hold them back. Amelia’s tears were hot on his neck.

  A long time later, she lifted her head and he did the same.

  Staring into his eyes, she whispered, “I am...so sorry, Leo.” Her fingers shook as she wiped his cheeks. “I’ve said it before but I was a coward. I couldn’t look you in the eye and say the words I owed you.”

  “Why, Amelia?” He shook his head. “Why did you leave me?”

  It was all he could manage in a hoarse whisper.

  With a gasping sob, she confessed, “Because I love you, Leo. I loved you then, I loved you all the years we were apart, and I love you now.”

  He held her shoulders, pulled her forward slightly, and put her back against the wall. “You should have stayed.”

  “I couldn’t. I didn’t want you taking care of me…”

  “Amelia! Having you to care for was the only thing that kept me from melting into hysterical screams about the baby. I was in agony. I know you went through so fucking much more but I also lost a child.”

  Her eyes widened. “Leo…”

  “There was grief, Amelia. Guilt about not protecting you, not getting to you in time, not taking you out of that house in the first place. I hated myself but you still loved me...and I knew it would get better.”

  “I’m sorry, I…”

  “Then you left. You snuck away in the middle of the night like you couldn’t even look at me because I failed you, failed our baby. For the first time in my life, I truly failed and the stakes had never been higher.”

  “No, Leo...no. You didn’t fail.” She held his cheek. “You deserved more than I was able to give you…”

  “You don’t get to decide what I deserve, Amelia.” Bracing her, he pulled from her body and carried her to the bathroom. He set her on the feet and turned on the shower. “Especially when you’re so fucking wrong.” She started to speak and he placed the tips of his fingers over her lips. “I-I need a minute.”

  “Take the time you need, Leo. I did.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, you did.”

  It was a gaping wound between them.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Amelia followed him into the large stall and they cleaned up in silence. Getting out first, Leo wrapped a towel around his waist and raked his fingers through his hair. He leaned against the counter and handed Amelia two towels when she was done.

  She smiled sadly. “You remembered.”

  “I’ve never forgotten a single thing about you, Amelia. It’s a blessing and a curse.”

  Returning to his bedroom, he sat on the edge of the bed. She lowered to the mattress beside him. Leo took her hand and held it between both of his.

  “You never should have left, Amelia. We would have helped each other heal from every part of that nightmare. I needed you as much as you needed me.” He shook his head. “You left me in limbo for eight years. As if all that we shared, all that we knew about one another didn’t matter. It mattered. It was everything to me...and you just walked away.”

  “I can’t take it back, Leo.”

  “Would you?” he asked softly. “Would you take it back if you could?”

  “Knowing what I know now? Perhaps. If I landed back in that time again - those first three months of trauma, loss, and shock - without the benefit of hindsight, I would do it again. I’d leave you because I was certain at the time that you’d be better off without me.” She met his eyes. “Or I would have made sure I killed myself during my first attempt.”

  “Amelia…”

  “It’s hard to explain. Almost impossible to verbalize what was happening in my mind.” She stared at the back of his hand as tears fell to her lap. “I was so fucked up.”

  The silence drew out and he watched her profile. “I want to understand. I didn’t then or all the time since but I want to.”

  She sighed heavily. “At eighteen years old, I was unnaturally shoved into menopause overnight. I-I didn’t know that for a long time. It didn’t register, you know? What teenager thinks about something that usually happens in your fifties? I was in a lot of physical pain, dealing with symptoms I couldn’t handle, that wouldn’t stop, and all over the damn place emotionally. I felt completely out of control.”

  Swallowing hard, she moved the towel aside and showed him her upper thigh. About a dozen or so pale lines were stacked in a perfect pattern. Each was the same thickness, the same length, precisely the same distance apart. They looked like they’d been reopened several times.

  Realizing what they were, he lifted his eyes to hers. Speaking past a painful lump in his throat, he asked, “You cut yourself?”

  “I found something that gave me control. I’m not telling you to make you feel bad or get some sort of pass, Leo. I’m telling you because I was not in my right mind for the first few years I was gone. I ended up in psych wards...and rehab.” Taking a deep breath, she added, “I got your first email when I got out of rehab the second time. Seeing your name filled me with so much shame. I-I swore to myself that I’d get my shit together.”

  Amelia stared across the room at nothing.

  “I was doing better. I thought I had it handled. I went out to get groceries and...there was a woman coming out of the store with her baby. She kind of looked like me but really put together. Probably a professional with a husband at home, pretty house, maybe a dog. I had trouble regulating my emotions and...I slid right back to the bottom.”

  “I’m sorry, Amelia.”

  “My third time in rehab was the charm. That’s when one of the doctors realized I was self-medicating partially to balance a massive hormone problem I didn’t know I had.” She shrugged. “I’d been out for six months when you contacted me about Dad. I was still a mess. Hyper-emotional, barely sleeping. The first hormone therapy made me gain a lot of weight, fucked up my skin, and my hair was falling out. I felt better in many ways but not myself. I wanted to see you but...I didn’t want you to see me.”

  “I wouldn’t have cared, Amelia.”

  “I cared. When you spend the majority of your life being told that beauty is all that matters, it affects you.” After a pause, she told him. “I saw a couple of people we went to high school with.” With a half-smile, she said, “Everyone thought I’d been back a few months before when they saw you with someone who could have been my twin.” She laughed. “From high school...not the way I looked then.”

  “Fuck…”

&nb
sp; “Your mom told me about Delilah. She sounds amazing.”

  “She is. I was at her wedding when Mom called.”

  “I didn’t expect you to be celibate and I wasn’t either. I hate that I wasn’t now but at the time, I was looking for anything that would stop the screaming in my brain.”

  Staring into his eyes, she told him softly, “I knew I messed up when I got off the plane in Seattle. I knew I messed up over and over again but I didn’t come back because I meant it when I said I was a cancer in your life, Leo. The chaos in my life spread and spread through yours...”

  “That’s not…”

  “Don’t fool yourself. The day my mother all but demanded you tutor me, you agreed because she humiliated me with her behavior.”

  “I agreed because I’d had a crush on you for two years.” Her laughter made him smile. “I was fourteen. Not like other fourteen-year-olds in many ways but...still a boy.”

  “You never told me that.”

  “And ruin your opinion of me being above all that? Never.”

  She shook her head and wiped roughly at her face. “For years, you stood between me and disaster until the chance to be there was taken out of your hands. You blamed yourself for not protecting me. If I’d stood up to her one of the hundred times you begged me to, I wouldn’t have been vulnerable that day. Making you hate me by leaving was nothing compared to how much I already hated myself for being weak.”

  “It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. Our world got turned upside down at eighteen, Amelia.” He stood and pulled back his blankets. Taking her hand, he guided her to lay down and stretched out beside her. “That was then. You made decisions based on pain.”

  “I’m not right for you now any more than I was eight years ago, Leo. I-I wanted to give you some closure, to touch you again and feel you touch me. Then I’ll go back to Washington and let you move on with your life.”

  Reaching out, he smoothed a lock of damp hair away from her face. “You think it will be that simple?”

  “We’ll love each other for a couple of days and then you need to let me go. Really let me go this time. Find a woman who can give you everything you deserve. Maybe there was a time I was that woman but...not anymore.”