Blind Ambition

by Carol Ashby

  From the way she looked at him now, he was certain she saw him as a man. A man who stirred her blood like she stirred his. Every blush confirmed it.

  At the edge of the porch, with her head resting against his chest and his arms wrapped snuggly around her, he’d never felt so alive. Her every breath was in perfect synchrony with his own. Again, he had to will his heart to slow. Too soon for her to sense his excitement as she snuggled against his chest with contentment and absolute trust.

  He rested his cheek against her hair. “You’re quiet tonight. Any reason?”

  “No, today was almost perfect. It was wonderful having you read while we worked.” She wiggled her shoulders as she nestled against his chest. “And watching the stars like this is the perfect ending to a lovely day.”

  He shifted his arms to hold her a little closer. No resistance. She was welcoming his affection, just as he’d hoped. Her fingertips traced small circles on his arms. Again, he willed his heart to slow down.

  They watched the last trace of color disappear in the west as the fainter stars gradually appeared in the eastern sky. The moon had risen, bathing them in silver and casting shadows. Finally, she stepped away from him to go in. As always, she took his hand, but this time he didn’t move when she started to walk.

  The time to reveal his feelings had come.

  She turned to face him. “Ready to go in?

  “Not yet. There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you.” He laid his hand on her cheek and traced her scar with his thumb. “You think this scar keeps you from being beautiful. It doesn’t. It only makes your face more interesting. The scars that can take away beauty are on the inside, not the ones you can see. There’s nothing but beauty and kindness inside you.”

  He traced the scar again. “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.”

  Valeria focused on his eyes as he spoke. They blazed with an intensity she’d never seen before. Blood rushed to her cheeks, and her eyes jerked away from his. She said nothing. She had no idea what to say. She’d never expected him to speak such words except as a joke. They sounded as if he truly meant them.

  So many times he’d told her she was beautiful, but he never seemed serious. Well, almost never. There had been that one time the morning his sight returned, but then he’d returned to joking with her right away, so she thought she’d misunderstood him.

  Decimus took her silence as a sign to continue. He cradled her face in both his hands and tilted it upward. Stepping very close, he lowered his lips to hers as he slid his arms around her and drew her against him. She kissed him back, her arms wrapping around him and her body melting into his embrace. He pulled her even closer, and his kiss became deeper, more impassioned. His hands caressed her back. He felt her tremble as she responded to his arms, his hands, his lips. Everything he’d desired for so long was finally within his reach.

  Without warning, she stiffened and pulled back. Fear filled her eyes. He slid his hands from her back to her arms, but he didn’t let go. She was still trembling, but it was no longer from pleasurable excitement. She placed her hands on his chest and pushed herself farther away from him. The fear in her eyes shifted toward panic.

  Impossible! How could he have so misjudged what her response would be?

  Every blush said she was ready and wanting to hear what he just told her. He’d been certain she wanted him to draw her into his arms, to caress her, to kiss her. How could that have frightened her?

  He silently cursed himself for moving too soon, too fast.

  Her lips trembled. “Please stop. We mustn’t. You’ve become my dearest friend. We can’t go any farther than that. This...this just can’t be.”

  It took all his willpower to push down his desire for her, but he stepped back and took both her hands so she wouldn’t turn and run from him. “I’ll do anything you want, whenever you want me to. Nothing more. I’m sorry...I thought you wanted me to...”

  Valeria had teetered at the edge of the precipice and barely pulled back. She’d never imagined how it would feel to be in his arms, to feel his hands caressing her back as his lips played with hers. It was exquisite. She wanted him as much as he wanted her, but it was impossible. It must be.

  The panic was gone, but waves of sadness surged through her. He could never understand the anguish ripping her heart as she faced the truth. She’d fallen in love with this man who didn’t follow the Way. She hadn’t even realized she was falling until that kiss, when it was too late. How could she have let her heart be so unguarded?

  How could she have failed to see he was falling in love? Baldric had warned her, but she hadn’t believed him. The special looks in his eyes, the warmth of his smiles, the way he touched her face. She should have seen they revealed feelings that were much more than friendship. All that joking about her being a beautiful woman―he’d never meant it as a joke at all.

  What if his love made him ask her to marry him? How was she to keep from hurting him terribly when she had to reject him because he didn’t follow the Way? What if her rejection made him no longer want to learn about Jesus?

  His face blurred. A tear escaped to trickle down her cheek.

  He stopped it with his fingertip and swept it away. “Let’s just sit on the bench and watch the stars for a while. Don’t go in because I thought more than friendship was possible. I thought you felt the same as I do. I never meant to hurt you. I never will.”

  She let him lead her to the bench. As they sat there, a few tears fell onto her lap, making small circles of wetness in the cloth of her dress.

  She longed to tell him she loved him...but she couldn’t. She shouldn’t speak those words. She must not let him know. He might ask her to marry him, and she could never marry a man who didn’t love Jesus even more than he loved her.

  Decimus longed to take her into his arms again, to comfort her from whatever he’d done that brought her such sadness, but that would only make things worse. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing as he held her hand in both of his so she wouldn’t stand and walk away.

  They sat in silence for a long time.

  Finally, she spoke. “We’ll forget what happened tonight. We can be as we were before. You mean too much to me for this to...change how I feel about you. It’s getting late, and I know you and Galen have work planned for tomorrow. Time to get some rest.”

  She held his hand and led him through the door. She released it as she stood by the ladder to the loft. “Good night, Decimus. Rest in peace.”

  As she climbed, she looked down at him. She was fighting against tears, but a few escaped as she gazed into his eyes.

  He wasn’t doing much better. As skilled as he was at concealing his emotions, he still couldn’t mask his regret and longing.

  “Good night.”

  He had hurt the woman he loved. His night would be neither good nor peaceful.

  Valeria lay in her bed, her peaceful world shattered by her love for a pagan, pouring her heart out to God.

  Decimus lay on his bed, tormented by the thought that he’d hurt her, afraid that he’d ruined any chance he had of getting her to love him, and agonizing over how he’d failed so completely to understand the woman he loved.

  Chapter 39: The Way We Were

  The pale moonlight cast vague shadows in the loft. It had been several hours since Valeria climbed the ladder, and she was no closer to sleep than when she first closed her eyes.

  She lay on her back, forcing herself to take slow, even breaths. The last thing she wanted was for Rhoda to awaken and ask what was wrong.

  She’d known her share of loss and grief. First Father had died; then Gaius and Priscilla were murdered. She’d learned to push past the pain with Jesus’s help until it didn’t hurt so much anymore.

  But this...it was so different. She loved a Roman who didn’t love God, and Decimus loved her, too. But what if that love must end in nothing? She’d promised her Lord she’d only marry a man who lo
ved Him like she did. What if Decimus never decided to follow the Way? What if she must lose him, too?

  God, is there hope for us? I know he’s pagan now, but he’s happy to read Your word. He’s content to listen to our prayers. I know he’s starting to hear You calling him. Can’t You open his heart faster so he’ll decide to love You and want to stay here with us?

  He’d been missing for so long. Everyone he knew must think he’s dead. He wouldn’t have to go back to his legion.

  Will he stay if I ask him? Can we be man and wife? But what if he won’t follow You and he asks me to marry him? I can’t follow him into his Roman world. Galen and Rhoda and I would be killed for belonging to You.

  A tear trickled across Valeria’s temple and into her ear.

  I can’t let him know I love him. Not until he loves You enough to turn from Rome and stay.

  Two more tears joined the first. I love You, Lord. More than anything...even more than him.

  She swept the tear tracks away with her fingertips.

  But I love him, too, and I don’t want to lose him.

  Memories of the pain on Decimus’s face haunted her. What if her rejection of his affection ended his interest in Jesus? What if he thought she didn’t care? He needed to know he was still her dearest friend, even if she had to hide her love. Then his heart might stay open to hearing and coming to Jesus. Everything depended on that.

  Please, Lord. Tell me what I must do.

  Sleep eluded Decimus, and he was still wide awake as the darkness began turning to gray.

  What would the day hold? Would she avoid him? Would she turn her face away from him, refuse to look at him like she had before when he frightened her? Would she act as if nothing had happened, as she said she wanted before she left him last night? Was that possible, even for the most forgiving heart he’d ever known?

  Someone was moving in the loft. Galen was always the first one up, but he usually didn’t awaken until sunrise. Why would he be up so early today?

  Decimus didn’t want to talk to anyone, but Galen could never resist speaking some cheery greeting. He turned and faced the wall so he could pretend to be asleep when Galen headed out to do chores.

  He froze when the rung creaked. A slight rustle, then the soft sound of footsteps approaching his bed. A hand rested on his upper arm.

  “Decimus? Are you awake?”

  He rolled onto his back so he could look at her. She was only a silhouette blocking the dim gray light coming through the window.

  She drew a deep breath before speaking. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.”

  Her voice wrapped around him in the near-darkness, just as it had when he was blind. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She was apologizing to him when he’d been the only one to blame!

  She sat on the edge of the bed and took his hand in hers. Her thumb traced arcs on the back of it. Each stroke erased more of his fear that he’d lost her.

  “All those times you said I was beautiful―I thought you were only teasing, so you surprised me. I’m sorry if I made you think I wanted you to kiss me. I should have said something quicker. Then you wouldn’t have misunderstood.”

  She pushed a strand of hair back from his forehead. “Tomorrow we’ll be just as we were before that kiss.”

  It was so good to feel the tingle that trailed her fingers again, even if she didn’t mean anything by it.

  “Whatever you want, Valeria, that’s what we’ll be.”

  She patted his arm as she rose. It was too soon, but any time with her so close was more than he’d expected.

  He could scarcely believe what just happened. With a few words and gentle touches, she’d given him hope and another chance. All the tension of the night drained out of him as he watched her climb back into the loft.

  Tomorrow might be a good day. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

  Decimus overslept after lying awake for most of the night. Valeria was already cooking breakfast when he finally opened his eyes. Anticipation and apprehension battled within him. Today would be the test of whether she really could forgive him for kissing her before she was ready.

  She turned from the fireplace. “Good morning, Decimus.”

  Her smile seemed almost like the smile she usually greeted him with in the morning. Almost, but not quite.

  He rose from the bed and headed toward his usual place at the table. As he limped toward her, their eyes met, and she turned to stir the porridge. His stomach tightened. She turned more quickly than she usually did, as if she was reluctant to keep her gaze fixed upon him.

  Galen came in from his morning chores as Rhoda was climbing down from the loft. She skipped over to give Decimus a hug before she went to Valeria to get the hot bowls of porridge.

  “Does that ever smell good, Val.” Galen sat down next to Decimus. “So what are we doing today?”

  “We should finish thatching the roof this morning. Then you can pick something.”

  Decimus stirred his porridge, waiting for Valeria to join them and ask the blessing. He didn’t look at her.

  It wasn’t going to be the same, and he didn’t want to see that mirrored in her eyes.

  Valeria had intended to act as if last night never happened, but she wasn’t succeeding. Every time she looked at Decimus, the memory of his arms around her, his lips touching hers, drove her heart rate up. She’d promised him they’d be just like they’d been before the kiss. She needed to keep that promise, no matter how hard it might be.

  As she walked past him, she rested her hand on his shoulder. He turned his face toward her with uncertainty in his eyes. She smiled down at him and pushed a strand of hair back from his forehead. When she touched his face, the uncertainty changed to relief.

  She moved past him then and took her place on the bench with Rhoda sitting between the them. After she asked the blessing, they all began to eat.

  After breakfast, Decimus and Galen resumed their work thatching the stable. There was only a small area left to cover, and they only needed a couple of hours to finish it. They were almost finished when Baldric and Otto emerged from the trees with the fourth mare. Galen climbed down and trotted over to talk with Otto while Baldric let the mare into the corral with Astro.

  Decimus climbed down from the stable roof and leaned on the top rail of the corral as he watched Astro nuzzle the new mare.

  Baldric rode over and dismounted. He moved into place beside Decimus. His hands gripped the rail as he watched the horses, too.

  Decimus’s shoulders tensed. Why such unexpected attention? Private conversation with Baldric usually involved a promise of death if he hurt her.

  Silence stretched out between them until Decimus started the conversation.

  “You have many beautiful horses, Baldric. It’s generous of you to give her one.”

  “I told you when I found you here that she is like a daughter to me.” He turned and faced Decimus directly. “Because of that, I must ask something of you.”

  Decimus snapped his gaze on Baldric’s face. Baldric never asked directly for anything. His requests always took the form of a statement of fact or a command.

  There was a grim set to Baldric’s mouth but no fire in his eyes. “You must return to your legion soon, and you cannot take her with you. Do not do anything that would leave her with a wounded heart.”

  Without speaking, Decimus nodded. Had he already done just that?

  Baldric held Decimus’s gaze for many long seconds before nodding once in return.

  “Tell Valeria I will see her in two days.”

  Baldric remounted and rode to where Otto was talking with Galen. “Stay and help finish the roof.”

  He trotted across the farmyard and entered the trees. As he rode deeper into the woods, his stomach tightened. The Roman had not said anything in response to his request. Always before, he had insisted he would never do anything to hurt her. Did he say nothing
because he thought he might be about to? Or maybe he already had.

  Had he awakened her interest in him as a man instead of a brother? Did he think she was in love with him?

  There was no future for them. There was a decree against the Christians in the province; a Roman soldier could never make a Christian his wife. Would the Roman take his request to heart and leave before it was too late?

  The three of them finished the thatch work just before lunch. That was only because Otto had helped. Decimus had been distracted watching Valeria and Rhoda in the garden as he tied each bundle of thatch to the thin crossmembers of the roof.

  Valeria had another basketful of carrots to prepare for drying, and he was not one to waste an opportune window.

  He didn’t like her codex by John, but he needed to do something that she would especially enjoy. Nothing would please her more than him volunteering to read from her favorite while they worked. Galen could have Otto help him. Right now, he wanted to spend as much time with Valeria as possible.

  As they finished lunch in the cottage, Decimus seized his opportunity.

  “I saw you pick all those carrots from the rooftop. Would you like me to read while you work on them?”

  Valeria’s beaming face was exactly what he expected.

  “That would be wonderful. You were just getting to some of my favorite parts when we stopped yesterday.”

  Galen grinned at Decimus and triggered a smile in return. “Sounds like a good idea to me, too. Otto and I can go work in the high meadow.”

  Decimus knew the value of an ally, and he had one in Galen. It might seem like an odd way to court a woman, but her brother knew nothing would please Valeria more.

  The afternoon found Valeria and Rhoda cutting carrots and Decimus reading from the writings of John again. Some parts of it made more sense than what he’d read yesterday.

  He liked the story about Jesus healing the man born blind. It would be impossible not to follow the man who had given him his sight, no matter what the rulers told him. Blindness was something he understood too well, and although he wasn’t convinced, Valeria was certain that his sight returning was a miracle from her god.