The Barbarian Bible

by Ianto Watt

  The second type of mark is fearful. This is actually the opposite of the first type, the proud. If you sense the mark is fearful, you tell them what they don’t want to hear, and tell them that’s exactly what is going to happen, unless they follow your advice. Invariably, a great number will again do exactly what you want. The numbers we’re talking about here are astounding, numbers big enough to create a respectable-sized religion or, better yet, a financial consulting group. Sometimes, you can’t even tell the difference between the two. Just ask Joseph Smith, or Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard. Or Robert Schuller. Or Bernie Madoff.

  So, let’s look at the message each of these groups (‘the gods’ vs. ‘The God’) delivers, and see which of these groups, generally, panders to these two basic passions of Pride and Fear. And if we find either one using the techniques described above, we’ve got a pretty good clue about whether they are simply really good liars. The rest is easy!

  But first, let’s go back a step or two. Remember when I said the first step for any really good liar was to convince you that he was really intelligent, or better yet, ‘enlightened’? Well, in my case, that’s always a hard sell for a liar, because I believe most of us aren’t very enlightened, especially people who claim they are. My idea of enlightenment generally doesn’t impress most people either, so I guess we’re even, eh? As I was saying, I squint really hard when someone tries to impress (or scare) me, or others around me. And that’s where I have to take exception to the concept of ‘the gods’ (plural), because I think things always have to make mathematical sense, at the very least. Things have to add up, or I can’t believe them. No amount of flattery or fear-mongering can get me past this first hurdle. Unless things add up, ‘enlightenment’ means nothing to me. Nothing.

  Now tell me, please, how can there be anything mathematically possible (let alone infinite), in a heaven populated by multiple ‘gods’? Who’s in charge here? Are we dealing with the Greek pantheon here? If that’s the case, who’s the boss? The Olympians or the Fates? And will the Titans ever break out of jail and regain control? If you read enough mythological Greek or Roman literature, grandson, you have to conclude that there are no definitive answers to these questions. Zeus may be the boss of the Olympians, but he seems impotent before the Fates. But the Fates seem to have no agenda. And the Titans are always waiting in the wings, ready to get their revenge on the Olympians. And besides all this, Zeus is henpecked by his sister/wife. There is no omnipotence here, anywhere. Not very appealing, mathematically-speaking, and that’s before we consider the low character of all of them as revealed in ancient lore.

  However, I will deal with them more at length later on, because I do believe there are ‘gods’, plural. I just don’t think that’s all there is. Nor do I think that is the real name that should be applied to them. But I do think they exist, and that they do have a certain (high) level of power and intelligence. But not the level of ‘power and might’ that would move me to worship them.

  No, mathematically speaking, there can’t be ‘gods’ (plural) that occupy the singular and infinite throne of omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence, throughout eternity. In my mind, it can’t be anything but a Singular (monotheistic) God that can lay claim to infinite power, majesty or knowledge. Why? Because if you could subdivide any of these three elements, the resulting answer equals a sum that is less than infinity. Or, to put it another way, it is impossible to divide Infinity, because there is no end to what you are trying to divide. Maybe the ‘gods’ are powerful in a sense, but they are not infinite in any sense of the word. Why? Because multiple gods would produce multiple infinities, which is impossible. Therefore they have no claim to being adored by men. Dulia, maybe. Latria, never.

  And so, we have narrowed the field by quite a bit when we weed out the residents of the Greek (or any other) Pantheon. It may seem arbitrary to deny the claims of ‘the gods’ based on this mathematical technicality, but this detail is important, at least to me. Pascal would flinch at this too if you ask him to disregard a ‘mathematical detail’. If you can’t make up a better storyline than that, I’m not interested. I don’t feel ‘enlightened’ by that storyline, sorry, my grandson. And so, while I find mythology fascinating, and I believe there is an enormously important story hidden within this world of the Greek ‘gods’, I am approaching all of it with a healthy skepticism as to the idea that ‘the gods’ are Supreme. I don’t believe it about the Supreme Court either, and there’s a lot of mythology there too, but that’s another story.

  But wait, I know what you’re thinking, grandson- that I’ve dismissed all other multi-god theories from the competition, without even so much as mentioning them, right? So, you want to take a look at them before we move on to the main task? OK, let’s do that, just for fun. Let’s look at the most ridiculous stories first, and have a few good laughs at stories so bizarre they can’t possibly be true, just from the standpoint of simple mathematics and reason. And if you don’t believe in either of these tools of human intelligence, I guess this is the end of the book for you. But if not, let’s have some fun...

  First, let’s throw out the stories about the world being borne on the back of a giant turtle. Forget it, Iroquois Nation, I’ve seen the pictures of the earth taken from the Apollo moon missions. There ain’t no turtle. And socially speaking, living in a tree bark lodge in the winter and having most of my hair plucked out just to wear a Mohawk hairdo doesn’t excite me. As best as I can discover, the Iroquois gods don’t really promise me anything of value either, even if I’m willing to club my neighbor to death for no apparent reason. The same can be said for most (but not all) of the Native American tribes and their religions. And it’s also true for a surprising number of ‘modern’ religions too. Like Neo-Conservatism and its twin, Liberalism. Yes, grandson, those are religions too. Really. We’ll get to those later.

  Well, what about Hinduism, the religion that talks about the endless formation and dissolution of the inhabitants of the material world? This religion says we get endless trips to the casino, but there’s never any payoff. The roulette wheel never slows down or stops. Nobody wins, and there are no free drinks either! So what’s the point? I mean, if we always came back as a human, maybe, just maybe. But coming back as a frog? Or a fly? C’mon, offer me something, anything other than that! And what would be so cool about being a Holy Cow?? With my luck, I’d always come back as an Untouchable. No, I can look at India and honestly wonder why you would want to believe in a religion that produces such astounding poverty, and a stunning lack of desire to change that situation. And if there’s no end, how could there have ever been a beginning? No, this story makes no mathematical or logical sense, at least to a Barbarian like me.

  What about Buddhism? Oh, you mean those crazy guys that set themselves on fire when they don’t like the political arrangement of the day? Actually, that’s just another flavour of Hinduism, known as ‘the middle way’. The middle way to what? To nothing. Why?

  Because Hinduism is a religion of despair. It’s not surprising either, when you consider that their greatest ‘god’ is Shiva, the god of destruction. He’s such a swell guy. I’ll bet he’s a delight to serve. Let’s see, if I please him, he destroys me. If I anger him, he destroys me. If I ignore him, he destroys me. Wow, such complex choices! And that’s before we consider the fact that there’s 330 million gods in the Hindu pantheon. Yes, you read that right, 330,000,000. How can anyone be serious about this? What’s the point? Have you ever seen the movie ‘Love Story’? The famous idiot line in it was ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’. And with infinite re-incarnations, you never have to say exactly that. Because there is no punishment (other than a brief life as a fly, whereupon you come back as a possum or some other idiot animal).Wow, how cool.

  OK, but what about those crazy Mayans and the Incas and the Aztecs? Weren’t they pretty advanced civilizations? Yes, if you consider mass human sacrifice and cannibalism to be advanced traits. Jeffrey Dahmer obviously admired them
, but I don’t. I prefer beef. It’s what’s for dinner. Again, with my luck, I’d be somebody else’s dinner, and the Mayan gods would approve of it. Not really my idea of fun. And there’s no payoff here either, even if you live in total obedience to their code. That’s because even if you are a member of their royalty or their priesthood you are a slave, both now and forever after. Not much appeal there.

  And there’s not much loyalty on the part of those ‘gods’, either, when push comes to shove. Just ask Montezuma, the king of 20 million Aztecs. Ask him how it was that those 300 Spaniards toppled his entire Aztec empire. Where was his god Huitzilpoctli when he needed him? And check this god out; Tezcatlipoca, the ‘Smoking Mirror’. He must be the god of modern politics! No, the reality is that the Spaniards toppled Montezuma with the help of all the neighboring tribes that had been enslaved by the Aztecs to provide the human sacrifices for the upper class Aztec-Atkins diet. The real question in my mind is, why did the Spaniards care? What was it about their religion that made them care about those Aztec victims? The Aztecs and Incas may have had some spectacular buildings and such, but they were all built on a bloody flood of human sacrifice. And their buildings and calendar are all that has survived. What losers. Want more proof? When 2013 AD comes, let me know if you’re still interested.

  So what about the all the Animists of Africa and Asia? These believers say that ‘the gods’ are within everything, including us. I’ve got news for them-nobody I know is pleased enough to take up permanent residence in me (yet). So how does a rock or a tree qualify for this honor? And what about my leopard-cat, who bites me all the time? What does that say about who’s in him? Is it really a god that’s biting me? What’s the message here? Why is he any better than me, especially if I’m the one that feeds him? Nope, the logic isn’t there. And again, this religion doesn’t promise me anything at all. There’s no payoff, so forget it. Remember, I’m interested in what’s in it for me. And you too, grandson.

  I could go on and on about these minor league religions, but the point should be obvious- none of them are believable or desirable, let alone even remotely close to being universal in scope. None of them has a historic reality to them in their story of the origins of man. And to my knowledge, there are no real ‘miracles’ attributable to them. None of them has the lasting look of something that could, would and should appeal to all men, because each of them has divided humanity into ‘the rulers’ versus ‘the ruled’ in a perpetually antagonistic paradigm. And the ones who are ruled over in these bush-league Operating Systems never get to rise from their position, even in the hoped-for afterlife. Speaking of the afterlife, a lot of these religions don’t even promise that the individual will be an individual in the hereafter. We’ll just be part of the blob that simply absorbs everything when we die. Cool. We get to be an impersonal molecule of water in The Big Sponge. How thrilling.

  Nor are these religions attractive in this life, even for the rulers. Even their ‘civilizational’ accomplishments reflect their absolute paucity of achievement. All the Aztec’s knew to do with a wheel was to make a stone calendar out of it. Try carrying a stone pocket planner around for a week and tell me how advanced they were. And forget about cars, they couldn’t even figure out how to make a wagon! Actually, there was a perfectly logical reason not to make wheeled carts (or cars), and it centers on the concept of slave labor, which was reserved for the masses. Why make it easier to do their work? And speaking of calendars again, no, I don’t believe the world will end in 2012. So if I’m right on this (and I’m writing now in pre-December 2012), then they’re wrong! Mark it down and call me if they’re right. If I’m alive. You too.

  So, are there any major world-sized polytheistic religions of any note besides the Hindus and Aztec-Mayan’s I ridiculed above? Well, there are two I can think of; Confucianism and Evolution. In Confucianism, there is no God, just a lot of dead ancestors. Same thing with Evolution.

  With Confucianism, let’s be realistic: either it’s not really a religion as the Jesuits argued, saying it was simply a form of ancestral veneration, akin to the 4th Commandment of ‘Honor thy Father and Mother’; or else it is a religion, as the Dominican’s argued to the Pope back in the 1600’s or so, saying it was a form of ancestor worship. This actually is a big distinction. Latria vs. dulia. (Short history lesson; the Dominicans won the argument with the Jesuits, and the Confucians showed their gratitude by killing all the missionaries.)

  Confucianism, if it is a religion, basically comes down to ancestor worship. Your reward is that someday, if you have descendants, you too will be worshipped. But there’s no over-arching God. Just the Heavens. There doesn’t seem to be any Hell either, so everybody goes to Heaven. Interesting concept. Sounds just like more of the same life we have down here. So what’s the point? Do we get the same neighbors? And their dog too? Sounds like Hindu-Lite to me.

  And if Confucianism isn’t a religion, then I still don’t care, because it doesn’t answer any of our basic questions (about who made us, and why). And it doesn’t promise me anything, other than the fact that I can die too, and become part of the all-star pantheon of dead humans that can be venerated by living descendants. It’s a nice thought, but it doesn’t do anything for me or anyone else. Why? Because, if there is no God, who’s going to reward you for your piety towards your ancestors? Besides, in a Confucian world, where there is (by definition) no all-powerful infinite and personal God, how can dead humans be of any help to any of us? They died, so obviously they aren’t God. And if, as their believers say, there is no Big God that these ancestors can appeal to on our behalf, how can they be of any help to us?

  Actually, this religion is pretty close to the arguments of the modern atheists, who say that there is no God, but we should be nice to each other anyway. Really? Says who? In the absence of a God who defines things in truly absolute terms, it seems we’re right back to the problem of who gets to make the rules. I don’t trust other men, let alone myself, to make these kinds of rules. Personally, I would kill almost everyone. And history shows us lots of examples of guys like me, named Lenin, Hitler and Mao who were very sincere about the need to do things their way, for our own good of course. I’m sure they all meant well, really. Thanks for the effort, guys. But rest assured, their work lives on, as so many young budding totalitarian atheists vie for the honor of carrying on this pacific enterprise. And actually, I need to apologize here, because Hitler wasn’t really an atheist. He believed in the Teutonic Pantheon. Sorry, Dolph. But I still don’t buy this version of the Operating System I’m looking for.

  And there are some of us who suspect that, when you look at this religion of Confucianism as practiced in the rigid authoritarianism of the crowded East, it’s pretty clear that this may just be a form of political crowd control. And it’s worked, by golly, for several thousand years. That’s not a bad track record for political control. So, looking at the perpetually poor masses of the East, I have to think there’s more than a pietistic purpose at work here. Crowd control (aka mind control) seems more logical. But that’s not what I’m after. And even if I was looking for that, I don’t have to go to China to find it. Any public school in the Empire can supply that, for free. Well, that’s not totally true either, because you have to pay for your books nowadays at the Public Schools. And sports fees too.

  But whether you believe Confucianism is or isn’t a religion, the point is that, either way, it makes no claim that there is a personal God and it offers no real reward, earned or otherwise. They say there is a Heaven, but that’s it. How ridiculous. So there’s a house, but nobody built it? And no one lives there except us squatters? Sure. Sounds more like Evolution with every passing minute. Maybe the real point here is that someone wants us to pass these precious minutes pondering this grand-looking but ridiculous idea, instead of looking for the real answer to our quest. OK, sure, they certainly have produced a remarkable civilization for the upper class, here on earth. But what about the one billion-plus people who still live in pov
erty and political slavery? I know, that’s just a minor point, another mathematical detail, right? Anyway, Confucianism is like saying that the roulette wheel is there, the bets are made, but there’s no one in the cashier’s cage to cash in your winnings. In fact there’s no one running the casino! So, grandson, let’s move along and look for something a little more believable, eh?

  Now let’s look at that other great pretender, Evolution. Hahahahahah! This one is so ridiculous; I can barely bring myself to consider it. After all, what does evolution promise us? What’s the payoff? NOTHING!!!! That’s right, if there is no God (and no ‘gods’ either), and no one made the universe, and it’s all going to end with a bang (or a whimper, take your pick), then what’s the point??? Who cares, about anything? Because if nothing made us, then nothing matters! Could it be any clearer? Except to Richard Dawkins, of course. What a sap. If he’s right, why bother talking about it, because it won’t amount to a hill of beans if he’s right. So why evangelize anyone about joining The Church of Nothing Matters, let alone go on frothing at the mouth like he did in Ben Stein’s hilarious movie Expelled? Richard is absolute proof evolution doesn’t work. If that’s intelligence, I’ll take a pass.

  Really, these guys make me laugh till it hurts. They’re so dumb they can’t even see the impact of their own thoughts. In fact, if evolution is right, then there are no real ‘thoughts’. Why? Because in evolution, everything is simply the result of neural (electrical) impulses in carbon-based matter that has no cosmic significance. Why? Because, after all, the cosmos has no significance. It just happened. And then it will cease. Maybe it’ll all start up again with another Big Bang, and we’ll have our molecules re-arranged into some other form of carbon-based ‘life’, and we’ll go through another cycle of matter and energy interchange. Come to think of it, this sounds a little bit (even a lot) like Hinduism, right? Endless and meaningless repetitions of birth and death, with no ultimate purpose. Matter, anti-matter, doesn’t matter! So, what’s the point, Richard?