by E. L. Todd
“Don’t say that.” Her fingers latched on to mine.
“I’m going to take care of you,” I whispered. “I’ll get you back on your feet in no time.”
“You want to?” she asked hesitantly.
“Of course I do.” I rubbed my nose against hers, feeling the pain well inside me. It was a touch I’d never thought I would share with her again. Tears burned behind my eyes, but I steadied them before they fell.
She kissed the corners of my eyes.
I hated crying in front of anyone, but when I did it in front of her, I didn’t feel weak.
She tried to make me smile. “At least everyone knows you aren’t gay.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I guess that’s a perk.”
She took a deep breath. “I never expected to announce our relationship to my family like that.”
I sighed. “That wasn’t the best way, was it?”
She smirked. “But at least it’s over with.”
“Yeah…” I imagined her father beating me to death with a bat.
“But don’t worry about him.” She read my mind like always.
“He’s my biggest obstacle for having you, and he has a lot of influence. I would be stupid not to worry.”
“I’m not saying it’ll be easy with him, but we’ll figure it out.” Her fingers moved through my hair, massaging me with gentle caresses. Her eyes fogged with intense thoughts and emotions. I knew she had something else to say. “Slade, what does this mean for us…?”
I knew what she was asking. “I don’t know…”
“I mean, is this serious now?”
I wasn’t good at this sort of thing. I’d never been a boyfriend before, and I’d never loved someone, so I wasn’t sure how to behave, what to say. “I don’t know…all I know is I love you and I don’t want you to go anywhere.”
“Do you see a future with us…?” Marriage. She wanted to know if I’d settle down and spend the rest of my life with her, going against everything I promised myself I would avoid. Kids would be involved, and before I knew it, my dreams would be gone. But Cayson gave up his dream. Could I give up mine…?
“I can’t see my life without you in it.” That was all I could give her.
She seemed slightly disappointed.
“But I thought I couldn’t be what we are now. I thought I couldn’t commit to you. And here I am, telling you I love you and being the best boyfriend I can possibly be. So…I still need you to be patient with me. I want to give you everything you deserve…but I need more time.”
Her hands moved down my forearms, over my sleeves of tattoos. “Okay, just don’t hurt me…”
That shattered my heart into a million pieces. I felt like an asshole, a jerk for not being perfect for her. My whole life, I’d been selfish and self-centered, but I didn’t want to be like that anymore. Trinity deserved the very best. Never in my life had I known a woman so beautiful, wonderful, and amazing. “I promise I will avoid it at all costs.” I kissed her forehead then pulled away. “Because I’m head over heels in love with you, and I never want to be without you—which is saying a lot coming from me.”
That seemed to cheer her up. “I never thought I would feel this way about you. It hit me like a ton of bricks the last time we were…together. You’re everything to me, the person I love most in this world. When I imagine my life without you, it scares me…actually scares me. But I’m not sure what I’m more terrified of…losing you or letting this love grow.”
“I’m scared too, baby.” I brushed my thumb across her cheek. “When I thought I might lose you, my world shattered. I’ve never cared about someone so much. And I quickly remembered why I’ve always avoided it. Because pain like that is excruciating. You made it so easy for me to fall in love with you… I never really had a choice.”
She took a deep breath and her eyes started to water. “I know we have a long road ahead of us…being accepted by our family. I just wanted to make sure you were up for it. It’s already too late but…we have a lot of work to do if we want to survive. I really don’t want to be dragged through the mud if you’re just going to abandon me halfway through…”
Now I understood the purpose of this conversation. “I will fight for you, Trinity. I wouldn’t have embraced you and confessed my undying love for you if I weren’t prepared to do everything in my power to keep you.”
“Because I know how wonderful you are, Slade. You’re perfect in your own way. I see every beautiful thing you possess, your good heart and compassion. But not everyone else knows about it like I do. I just don’t want you to make a fool out of me, standing up for you only to prove me wrong.”
I nodded slightly. “I’ll never prove you wrong. We’re in this together.” I pressed my head to hers and shared the moment with her, the bond that had formed between us, unbreakable and strong. Our souls had been joined long ago and now we were one entity. When she was in pain, I was in pain. Together, we were stronger than we were apart. We would get through this and reach the other side—even if it was against all odds.
At some point during the night, Trinity had dozed off and fallen asleep. She needed rest so I was glad she was getting it. The light from the TV glowed and splashed across the wall, changing with every scene on the screen.
Her father sat upright in his chair, his ankle crossed over the other knee. He didn’t seem tired. Like a bat in a cave, he relished the darkness and flourished. His eyes scanned Trinity every few minutes, appraising her for signs of distress or weakness. Once in a while his eyes would settle on me, examining me like an open book.
The tension was only escalating the longer he and I sat together. Eventually, a discussion would need to be had, a conversation I was dreading because I knew the ending before the beginning. But I decided to get it over with.
“Sir, I’d like to explain—”
He held up his hand. “We’ll have this conversation another time. All I care about is my daughter right now. It’ll have to wait.”
I shut my mouth and stared at the TV, knowing I’d have to wait until he was ready.
Trinity stayed in the hospital for almost two weeks, the doctor claiming he wanted to observe her and her leg. I didn’t go to class and hadn’t thought about school once. Nothing was more important than Trinity. Even though I sat beside her and did nothing to help her recovery, I needed to be there. If not for me, then for her.
Her father was constantly there, and when he went to the hotel to sleep, Cassandra took his place and sat with Trinity. I was never alone with Trinity again, but my hand firmly held hers. Not a single person questioned our relationship or asked when it started. It seemed to be insignificant in light of Trinity’s trauma.
But it would happen—eventually.
Other family members came and went. Sean was never there because he had to run the company since Mike was unable to work. But Scarlet was there, always bringing gifts and flowers to cheer Trinity up. It was unfortunate only four people could be allowed since there was so many of us.
My phone vibrated and I saw a message from Cayson.
I’m in the hall.
I kissed Trinity on the forehead. “I’ll be right back.”
She reluctantly dropped my hand. “Okay.”
I walked into the hallway and headed directly to Cayson.
He held out a backpack. “Here are clean clothes and your bathroom stuff.”
“Thanks,” I said as I took it. Cayson had come every day after class to bring me things I needed. I hadn’t asked him to do any of it. He just took care of it, having my back like a best friend.
“Here are the books you asked for.” He held a bag out to me.
I peeked inside. “Thanks, man. I know she’ll like these.”
He nodded. “And here’s some food. I know you must be starving.”
If Cayson didn’t bring me food, I didn’t eat. I never left the room unless I needed to use the restroom. “You’re a lifesaver.” I peeked inside the bag. “A burrito?” I said with a smi
le.
“I know it’s your favorite,” he said with a laugh.
I wasn’t sure what I would do without him. Trinity was the person I leaned on for everything, but now she was leaning on me. Cayson quickly became my crutch without even asking. “I really appreciate everything…” I wasn’t good at talking about my emotions. Only with Trinity was I good at it. Cayson was better at it than I was, and he understood words didn’t come to me easily. “You always have my back…”
He pulled me in for a hug and held me for a second. “I’m always here for you. I love you…”
I took a deep breath and tried not to get choked up. “I love you too, man.” I clapped his back then pulled away, blinking quickly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell—”
“It’s okay.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.”
He did?
“It was hard keeping it from you since…you’re my best friend. I wanted to tell you…”
He gripped my arm. “No hard feelings. Seriously. We’re cool.”
“Okay…” I glanced down at the stuff on the floor, trying to hide my pain and shame.
“Now we can go on a double date,” he said, trying to cheer me up.
“Yeah…”
“And you can ask me for advice…not having to be cryptic about it.”
I smirked. “I made it obvious, didn’t I…?”
“Not at the time. But I put the pieces together.”
My eyes moved to his. “You knew…?”
He nodded. “About a week before the crash.”
I thought Trinity and I had been careful. “How?”
He looked guilty. “I followed you…I thought if I saw you with your boyfriend, you would realize I really didn’t care about you being gay and there was nothing to be ashamed of. But then you stayed at Trinity’s all weekend…and kissed her goodbye.”
When he saw us together, he must have been so angry. I couldn’t even imagine how betrayed he must have felt. “Why didn’t you confront me about it?”
He put his hands in his pockets. “Because of the way you kissed her.”
I wasn’t following.
“You kissed her like you loved her. I thought if I confronted you about it, I would sabotage your relationship with her. I know you fear commitment and aren’t good at expressing your emotions…so if being a secret relieved a lot of pressure and kept you guys together, I didn’t want to ruin that.”
Now I felt even worse. Even when Cayson had the right to be upset with me, he let it go, putting me first. I knew in my heart I wouldn’t have reacted the same way. Selfish, I would have demanded to know why he didn’t trust me enough to confide his darkest secret to me. “Well, thanks…”
“But I guess the cat is out of the bag, huh?” He shrugged his shoulders.
I didn’t even want to think about it.
“What now?” he asked. “For the two of you?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said with determination. “Nothing has changed.”
He smiled. “I thought so. Have you talked to Mike…?”
I shook my head. “No one has asked me anything. I tried talking to him last week, but he wasn’t ready to hear it.”
Cayson nodded slightly.
“What is the family saying when I’m not around?”
“Everyone is in shock. That’s pretty much it. But I got to be honest…Conrad is pretty mad.”
I guess I wasn’t surprised by that.
“When things cool down, you need to talk to him.”
“I will if I ever get the time. Right now, I’m concerned for Trinity.”
“I understand…”
“Anything else?”
“I think everyone is just confused by the whole thing…they all know how you are. I guess they are scared for you because of Mike…and they wonder if you really love her or if you’re just…you know…fuck buddies.”
“We aren’t,” I said firmly. “I told her I loved her in front of everyone. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“It does, but like I said, it’s still shocking. They might think you said that in the moment…caught up in the trauma.”
“That isn’t why I said it,” I said sadly.
“I know, man. Skye and I both know.”
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, wishing this would just go away.
Cayson spotted my distress. “I’m here for you…all the way through.”
“I know. You don’t need to tell me that.”
He stood still then shifted his weight. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything. You know that.”
“Where is this going…with Trinity?”
It was a topic that consumed my thoughts. “As far as I can take it.”
“You’ve always said you aren’t a one-woman type of guy. Is that still true?”
“No.”
“So, you aren’t scared of marriage anymore? You’ve come to terms with that?”
I sighed again, feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t know…I never thought I would be a boyfriend, but I am one now. I never thought I’d love someone like this, but look at me. I’m a total wreck because I almost lost the love of my life. I can’t see myself ever getting married and being a husband…but I said the same about all those other things…”
“I can see it,” he said quietly. “I know you can do it, Slade. Just don’t overthink it.”
“But I had plans…I wanted to do so many things before I settled down.”
Cayson looked me straight in the eye. “I know how you feel.”
He did know how I felt.
“The idea of giving up Stanford still hurts sometimes. It’s what I always wanted since I can remember. I want to help those who don’t even have clean drinking water. I want to make a difference in the world. I feel like I’m saying goodbye to that. And if I don’t get into New York, I’m pushing back my career by a whole year. It sucks, and sometimes…as much as I hate to admit it…I resent her for it.”
I couldn’t believe Cayson actually said that. He was being honest with me, showing me his soul like he never had before.
“But I know my life without her would be devastating. I can regret not choosing Stanford, but if I choose Stanford, I wouldn’t just regret not choosing Skye. Actually, I would hate myself for it. My entire life would be ruined. She is the one thing that’s stayed constant in my life, and now that I’ve had her, felt her, touched her, I know losing that connection would break me. It’s a destiny that I can’t even contemplate because it scares the shit out of me.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know you wanted to travel the world and play music and do crazy things, but I can promise you it would be the biggest regret of your life. There’s nothing wrong with choosing Trinity as your destiny. It doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It only solidifies your love for her. You can’t have both paths to compare them later like we all wish we could, but I know being with Trinity will make you happy every day for the rest of your life.” He gave me a hard look. “Life is about sacrifices. But you should only make those sacrifices if the reward is important enough. I think both Skye and Trinity are.”
His words echoed in my mind long after he said them. Perhaps he was right. Any time I thought about not being with her, it made me physically sick. My stomach hurt like I swallowed acid. The idea of her wearing a white gown and declaring her love to some other guy was unthinkable. “Thanks…”
“Anytime.” He picked up everything off the floor and handed it to me. “I’ll be back tomorrow. When is she going home?”
“In a few days.”
“Is Mike coming with her…?”
“I don’t know yet. I’d prefer to take care of her. But I have a feeling he won’t let me.”
He gave me a sad look. “That makes two of us.”
Every night, I read to Trinity until she fell asleep. Cayson brought the books I specifically asked for, knowing she would love them.
The Sun Also Rises ended up being one of her favorites. Even though I knew her well, she still surprised me. Who knew a dark tale of war and loss would be something appealing to her?
Mike’s eyes watched me while I read to her, but he kept his silence like he always did.
Trinity rested her hand on my arm, hanging on to every word I said. I never read out loud, and I felt awkward doing it at first, but it quickly became second nature.
When the book ended, I closed it and set it on the table.
Tonight, Trinity wasn’t tired. She was wide awake, growing restless after lying down for weeks.
“We’ll be going home soon,” I whispered. “Be patient.”
She nodded in response.
The doctor came in and announced she was free to leave. He set her up with a physical therapist and went over all the medication she needed. After the paperwork was signed and everything was cleared, he left.
“Excited to get out of here, honey?” her father asked.
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” she said with a sigh. “I miss my bed.”
“You’ll be back there in the morning,” he said. “I spoke to your mother and we’ll be staying with you for a while, making sure you have all the help you need.”
I cleared my throat. “That’s unnecessary. I can take care of her. I know you have work and Cassandra has her responsibilities.”
He gave me a threatening look. “Don’t tell me I have work and responsibilities that are more important than my own daughter.” He kept his tone exactly the same, but the anger and ferocity were evident. It didn’t feel like he was my uncle anymore, but a threat. “I will look after her and take her to class. It’s a full-time job.”
I knew I had to speak to him carefully. If I pushed too hard, he would explode. “I understand your concern, but since I’m already there and I’m on campus anyway, it’s convenient for everyone if I look after her. I don’t mind taking her to physical therapy and taking care of her meds. I’ll always be there—day and night.” I regretted those final words as soon as they came out.