Bouquet of Regret (Angel's Shifters Book 1)

by Lenai McGoveran

  “Save your breath,” I sighed with my eyes on the ground. “I don’t know who you’re trying to appease, but I don’t want your empty words. You’re not sorry. You merely regret that someone caught you with your hand in the cookie jar. As soon as whoever is making you squirm stops looking, you’ll revert to your previous behavior. I’ll smile and pretend you’ve changed when asked, so leave me alone. I have nothing to say to you, and I do not appreciate your presence in my space.” While my mind reveled in my words, my heart wept and my soul mourned each one as it left my lips. Whatever. I had a bone to pick with fate as it was, so that wouldn’t stop me. Nor would I bow to this bastard because he thought I owed it to him. Bah.

  “What if I mean my apology?” Kyler asked quietly after a moment. Scoffing, I met his gaze with defiance only to discover a deep sadness in his eyes. Instead of softening, I stiffened with a scowl. Someone was an outstanding actor.

  “I find that incredibly hard to believe,” I replied coldly. Kyler grimaced, glancing over his shoulder after a moment to look at Riff, who shook his head. Kyler’s brow furrowed, and he paled, only to blow out his breath. “Marcus believes if I learn all I do not know, I might break. I suppose it has something to do with you?” When Kyler paled again, I scowled. Wait. Speaking of that, I’d been so focused on my fear of rejection or mockery that I never digested the apology Marcus gave me. He said Kyler almost killed me on Sunday, and that he feared the teenager would if he didn’t show him my truth. How? I was at the gas station and coughed up blood after experiencing that terrible pain in my… that son of a bitch!

  Growling under my breath, I stood, forcing Kyler to fall back while I glared at him. “Stay the fuck away from me,” I snapped. Without glancing at him again, I stalked towards my apartment while trembling with rage. I stopped in view of the camera Marcus put in front of my apartment and glared at it so furiously it surprised me that it didn’t burst into flames. “I’m not speaking to you,” I growled at it, turning away to stomp into my apartment. Char stopped Riff at the door, shaking his head and murmuring something too quiet for me to hear that turned the more dominant teen away.

  “Care to share with the class?” Char asked once he locked the front door and turned the radio on. I glared at him too, and he backed up a step. Shaking his head, Char raised his eyes to meet mine with a slight smirk, crossing his arms and widening his stance. He appeared willing to stand there all day, and I growled under my breath, putting more fury into my glare. Char’s smirk faltered, but he did not back down. With a scoff, I tossed my sketchbook onto the counter, setting my iPod and headphones down more carefully before taking a deep breath to steady myself.

  “You knew what that son of a bitch was putting me through, and you said nothing,” I accused coldly. My fury was a front to hide the hurt crushing my soul with cruel jaws. I was so worried, so scared because I didn’t know what was happening nor how to stop it. Turns out, all I needed to do was neuter Kyler. I assume that since we are mates, because he fucked around, I felt it. Why the hell was I punished for his indiscretion? In what world was that fair? To let the cheater enjoy themselves while putting their mate through hell was wrong. Why did the victim suffer, but the aggressor reaped the rewards?

  The night we met, he bought condoms, and I bid him have a wonderful evening to which he responded by saying he would. And that I wouldn’t. I hadn’t understood, I couldn’t decide if his words were a statement of fact or a threat. They were both. He knowingly did this to me. Kyler intended for me to suffer the pain of him screwing everything he laid eyes on. My mind supplied an image of his smirk after he punched me in the gut the next day at school. How satisfied Kyler appeared to be because I was in pain. So, he knew hitting me there would hurt and burn and gloried in it. I might prefer my monster to him. At least I knew what to expect from that bastard.

  My lip trembled, and my heart won. My head hung in defeat seconds before the first sob tore from my throat while my soul withered, and my heart cracked. Each sob tore at me until my heart shattered in my chest, and my soul became little more than a speck. Not only did Kyler do this, but they knew about it and did nothing to stop him. Nor did they warn me, or confide that I wasn’t insane or to blame. Instead, they let me suffer in silence while I feared each time that I somehow did this to myself, and it would be the death of me. How could I stop something happening within myself when I didn’t understand what I did to prompt it?

  Wrapping my arms around myself while my soul radiated agony, I fell to my knees and hunched to soothe the ache within me. Every sob shook my body and caused my wounds to signal their pained state, but I was in no shape to move. It took all I had to keep from wailing or screaming my agony to the heavens. Only once my back ached so terribly that I knew I had to straighten or I wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow did I move. I sat, with rivers of tears streaming from my eyes, while the pieces of my heart radiated even more pain, and my soul tore itself into ribbons of agony.

  Swallowing, I forced this fresh onslaught of pain down, and the bile rising in my throat. I had my moment of weakness. It was time to return to reality. While I forced myself to calm, I noticed Char kneeling mere inches from me and shuddered. When he reached towards me with a broken expression, I jerked away, swallowing most of my cry of pain when my spine sang its agony. Char’s eyes filled with alarm, but I scooted away when he tried to move closer. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want any of them coming near me.

  “Angel,” Char whispered in a voice laden with pain, “Angel, let me explain.” Explain? How do you explain this? In what world was this right? What words could make letting someone nearly die in ignorance while you stand by idly become okay? Bystanders side with the aggressor. I get that they left Kyler’s pack, abandoned him when he rejected and struck me. But did they really do anything to stop him? No. I believed they did what they could, but now I doubted that with everything I had left. I understood Marcus’s reluctance to start something with the son of the alpha of this town, but what kept him from warning me? Because I didn’t know about werewolves? Well, that was a straightforward thing to fix. Or, better yet, what kept him from bringing up that if I experienced any odd pain, I should tell him? He could have lied, said the town was cursed, and I would have at least known I wasn’t crazy. Sure, I would have laughed at first, but when it hit, I would have told him. I didn’t mention it to anyone because what would I have said? Um, yeah, there’s this magical pain that has hit me randomly since the day I met Kyler? Yeah, that’s how you get a one-way ticket to a padded room with a lovely coat encouraging you to hug yourself.

  I got that this whole situation was a mess, I understood. But why couldn’t they at least try? I was such a fool. I believed I kept myself from falling for their words, that I might be indispensable to them. But all I was is the butt of a terrible cosmic joke. Had I kept them at bay, and let their words just roll off of me, I wouldn’t be so hurt by this… betrayal. Yes. That was why I was so devastated. I felt betrayed. Not just by Kyler, but by every werewolf I met. And by this pack they dragged me into without my knowledge or agreement. They said my kind doesn’t do well alone. Well, I guess I’ll show them how wrong they are, won’t I?

  Run, Runaway

  “Angel, please,” Char begged, but I continued to back away. Slowly standing, I released a quiet hiss of pain, and Char whined. He copied me, his expression wounded when I took a step back. Char hesitantly moved towards me, crying in his throat when I retreated again. Eyeing my sketchbook on the counter, I glanced back at Char, who looked that way as well and clenched his jaw when our gazes met.

  Springing into action, I grabbed it, dodging Char’s grasp, although his fingers brushed my hoodie. Running as fast as I could, I made it to my room, slamming the door into Char’s shoulder. He grunted, struggling to keep me from closing it. I suppose he cared a little, at least, or he could shove it into me with ease. As odd as it was, I sensed his strength through the door and how he strained to keep from using it. Here, his loss was my gain.
Although it pained my heart and soul, knowing what I intended to do, I blinked away the tears in my eyes and yelped.

  Char gasped, straightening while his resistance fled, and I forced the door closed. Tears escaped my eyes when a heartbreakingly sad whine vibrated the door. “I’m sorry,” I whispered with a choked sob. “But I can’t stay here, not after realizing what Kyler did. Nor can I forgive you for siding with him through your inaction. You could have lied, told me there was a leak and something got in the water, or even that the town was cursed. Anything to get me to confess if I suffered this cruel punishment for the victim of a cheating mate. Thus, you could have had proof you needed to stop him. Or, you could have kept it from occurring. I don’t understand why it happened since he rejected me. But that matters not, I can’t stay here, regardless. I feel violated, abandoned, and betrayed.”

  Pushing on the door, I turned away, barely hearing a soft, pained, “I’m sorry, Angel.” At first, I thought he hoped his apology would encourage me to open the door. However, in the next moment, a loud, mournful howl pierced the air. Marcus. He warned and summoned Marcus. Recalling the alpha’s ability to calm me, I burst into motion.

  Reaching into my closet, I pulled out my emergency bag, before racing to the bathroom to get my first aid kit. Stuffing that into my pack, I put my sketchbook in as well, hesitating over the headphones and iPod, which I decided not to take. Setting my bag on the table beside them, I grabbed the small stash of food and cash I’d shoved into the same drawer with my emergency phone. After a while, you learned to always be prepared. Swallowing, I left the cellphone Char gave me in its place.

  Sniffling, I turned away from the drawer while running through a mental list to ensure I had everything I needed. I could replace the clothes in my closet later. I had enough in my go bag to last a few days, and I could rinse them in a stream or sink if I must. Adapt or die. Once I turned away after packing my phone and such, I bit my lip because there was no longer a reason to linger.

  “Alphas know when a member of their pack crosses the borders of their territory. As soon as they realize you’ve run, bunny, the enforcers, and trackers of this pack will race towards the edges which you don’t know. Since you are on foot, they will watch the bus stop before you can reach it. Thus, leaving this territory is beyond you. Four feet run much faster than two.” His words wrapped around me from behind, and I swallowed audibly. “No, bunny, I’m not upset with you. Now go before Marcus gets here.”

  My lower lip trembled while I glanced around the room where I once thought I belonged. After blinking away my tears, I shouldered my small emergency bag. With a determined nod, I moved to the window, sliding it open to slip out of it after glancing around for any signs of movement. Keeping low, I scurried to the edge of the forest, pausing whenever any sounds broke the tense silence.

  I had only slipped into the forest when a loud howl sounded behind me, and I gulped. In the next moment, thunder cracked above my head, and suddenly it was pouring rain. Well, this sucks. Although, the rain might dampen their ability to sniff me out. Still, the longer I stand here, the easier I will be to find. Between the dark of the storm and the rain, I moved slower than I liked to ensure I didn’t trip over anything I couldn’t see.

  “There is somewhere they won’t think to look, not at first,” Jaxy stated, and I blinked before turning my head in the treehouse’s direction. “Go.” With a destination in mind, I picked up my pace, albeit I still moved slow enough to navigate the dark forest floor. A bright flash of lightning revealed the treehouse, but the following darkness left me stumbling a few steps while disoriented. Thankfully they left it unlocked, and I snuck in warily, my ears straining for the slightest sound. Hesitantly, I sat on the floor of the kitchen, hearing a soft chuckle before a blanket draped around me. Only once its warmth wrapped around me did I realize I was shivering.

  “Thank you, Jaxy,” I whispered, feeling a ghostly kiss on my forehead a moment later. Huddling, I let my mind delve into this minor mystery. Should I be angry with Jax as well? Could he have stopped Kyler? Or at the very least warned me? Biting my lip, I recalled how, before, it was always small things happening that were odd, but I overlooked. Like a previously closed window being unlocked and slightly opened when I looked at it again, thus providing me with an escape. Or something that stubbornly refused to work suddenly thrumming to life.

  No, Jaxy could do nothing. He couldn’t communicate until I saw that picture. Recalling the back of the photo I read, I determined that might have been the price. Nothing was free. So, to converse with me, I had to acknowledge his presence in my life. Until then, he could keep watch and help, but I couldn’t know it was him. A playful tug on my hair made me think I was right, or at least close.

  “I’m not overreacting, am I?” I asked my ghostly companion after a moment. That my voice wavered made me close my eyes for a moment to banish my weakness. I wanted so badly to belong, but not at this cost. No home was worth the abuse, nor its residents looking the other way because they wanted you there regardless of what it caused.

  “No,” Jaxy whispered. “They sure stopped him after you almost died, did they not? Otherwise, why have you no longer experienced the pain you don’t deserve?”

  Blinking, I straightened, although I bit my lip and slumped again after a moment. That was because Marcus had them show that video at school. While it stopped the behavior, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was another way. I still felt exposed, and as if my privacy never mattered. Did it? Was I meant to be a prisoner? Chewing my bottom lip, I tried to reason that I wasn’t, but my mind settled on the idea I was a pet instead.

  “They’re lost, and desperate for you to lead them back into the light,” Jaxy sighed after a moment. “But that does not excuse their behavior. While you may feel like a kept pet, that’s how it usually is for omegas to a degree. They are cosseted and protected. My vanishing acts caused the pack a lot of stress, but that’s not a reason to abstain. You cannot let the fear of how others will feel prevent you from living, nor doing what you feel is right. Char and Dakota knew what Kyler planned to do with his evening. They could have tried to stop him. Locked him in a closet, for example. Unfortunately, since he was their alpha, it would not have worked. He would have ordered them to stop, and while they could have fought, his will would have painfully overridden theirs. So, you are wrong in that sense. However, once they left his pack, that was no longer true. Marcus could have stood toe to toe with him and done something, yes. But he is wary since they barely tolerate his presence. Had the pack targeted the females Kyler sought to hook up with, it would have been a whole new ballgame, however. So, no, you do not overreact. But you are not correct, either. Some laws prevented them from telling you what they were, albeit since you are you that’s waived. To say someone cursed this place might spur you to run. Thus, you would have been on the road and dealing with the pain while they mourned you leaving. Distance does not save you. Once you’ve discovered your mate, you are bound regardless of how far you run. Unless both parties reject the other. Which, if you try now, won’t do any good. His soul has to hear it for your words to take effect.”

  Blinking, I mulled over his words, feeling scolded. After a moment, I sighed while deciding werewolves were complicated. Cosseted. I didn’t know if I could survive that. I wasn’t used to it, and I feared I would suffocate. But even so, was I wrong to run? Was this something that talking could fix? I might be unhappy for a while, but I would have a roof, food, income and people who cared even if they showed it in ways I didn’t like. Chewing my bottom lip, I debated both sides until my soul thrummed with agony, and I whimpered. Right, the pain, I forgot about my pain. If they perceived it, they would suffer alongside me. Hence Char’s pained expression.

  I suppose it was cruel of me to run without hearing his explanation, but the thought of going back made my heart remember how much it ached. A ghost of that terrible pain surfaced, and I gasped. Perhaps I would hide for a few days and return when I believed I could st
omach seeing them. Just not Kyler. I doubt I can face him soon. To have nearly killed me, and to have done it so I would suffer, I didn’t know if I had it within me to forgive that.

  I get that people make mistakes, but that was one hell of an intended regret. What changed? Why did he want to apologize, anyway? Because he found out the person he decided I was, wasn’t the truth? Had he taken a moment, he could have figured that out on his own. Shaking my head, I laughed under my breath. Did it matter? I didn’t. That’s what hurt so much, that I believed I could be valuable to someone only to discover I wasn’t. And never would be because he took one look and saw the depth of my unworthiness.

  My thoughts went to war, and I grimaced while half of my mind argued that I was worth it, that I mattered. It was a nice idea, but the correct part of my head threw out example after example of proof that I didn’t matter at all. Why did Kyler care about apologizing? It was a waste of words, breath and time.

  Shaking my head, I growled under my breath and banished those darker thoughts. I mattered, I was important, and I refused to give up. It would devastate Matty if anything happened to me. Not because I no longer provided his tuition, but because he loved me. I believed the pack did too, but as Jaxy said, they were lost. Tears leaked from my eyes while I tried to strengthen my resolve to make it back to town. This would hurt, and I’d hate it, but I would have a home. A permanent one. So what if it was a little suffocating at first? Once they healed, and so did I, we could find a compromise. I needed to stand my ground when it mattered and relent when it didn’t. Perhaps they needed me more than I realized. Admittedly, I needed them more than I wanted to confess. Nothing worth having was ever easy.

  “Okay, Jaxy,” I whispered, “I’ll go back.” I sensed his wary happiness wrap around me, chuckling upon realizing the depth of his irritation with his former pack. “As you said, they’re lost, so I suppose we can’t be too furious. I don’t know how often I’ll snap or retreat, but I will try. I worry that the pain I’m holding down will resurface and I might lash out, but I suppose we’ll deal with it when it happens.” Sighing heavily, I stood, spreading out the heavy blanket I used so it could dry.