Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series)

by Laura Ashley Gallagher

  I close my eyes and hang on to how he says my name, hating when it still makes my heart skip a beat.

  “Goodnight, Alex.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Winter passed by in a blur. Ava made the cutest bumble bee for Halloween. Lydia was too weak to walk around the entire neighbourhood. She came to the first five houses and after she returned home; I took Ava trick or treating.

  Christmas was amazing. My most beautiful memory of Christmas was when Ava kicked for the first time when I was pregnant. She outdid herself this year. I didn’t get to see her on Christmas day, but Lydia invited me to Christmas Eve dinner, and after we exchanged gifts, laughed till our cheeks hurt, and a little blushed from the bottle of wine I shared with Lydia, Ava sat with her gifts and simply said, “Thanks, Mom.”

  No lie, I choked. Lydia slapped my back until I cleared my airways. But honestly, if I had died at that moment, I would have died happy.

  It was a slip of her tongue at first. I see it with my students. But after, it was deliberate. So now, sometimes I’m Mandy, but mostly I’m Mommy Mandy, and I’ve never loved my name so much.

  I spent Christmas Day and New Year with my family. Lydia took Ava away with the family for the holidays. We video called every night before she went to bed. I updated my family on how she was and showed them photos and videos I’d captured.

  Over the months, she has asked about them. Her questions come in drips and drabs. If she asks, I answer, but only when she wants to talk about it. Sometimes, she even asks about Nick, and her face lights up when I tell her a story about him.

  We’re adjusting.

  All of us.

  I don’t know how I got through this week. I counted down the hours until she was back, and I could see her again. I’ve tried to fill my days, but everything is meaningless until she’s with me. I kept busy by preparing for the return to school after the holidays. I have every shade and shape of marker, new notebooks, and activity sheets organized until Easter.

  I shopped, bought a new playhouse and a swing set for my garden. Garry helped me put it together.

  I’m lying.

  I watched Garry curse and sweat as he put it together.

  I decorated the spare room. It’s painted pink with princess stickers, and a tepee tent wrapped in fairy lights in the corner. For now, she can use it as her playroom. I’ve childproofed my entire house because she may be too old to stick her fingers in sockets, but I still catch mine in the cabinet doors, and it appears she has my clumsy nature.

  “All done,” she chimes, sitting back on the kitchen chair.

  I blow on the wet nail polish and examine the red gloss applied to perfection. “Amazing. Thank you.”

  Lydia sets two cups of coffee at the table before sitting with us. “She paints mine all the time.”

  “Uncle Alex lets me do his too.” She giggles.

  I sense Lydia’s eyes on my face, but I don’t falter. The mention of his name still causes daggers to my chest, but I live with it. My only fear is the pain will be there forever.

  “Mommy Mandy?” Ava bats her eyelashes like she is going to ask for a pony. I swear I’d give her one.

  “Yes,” I say slowly.

  “Can I have a sleepover at your house?” I’m taken aback by the question. I expected to have her sleep over at some stage, but I didn’t think she would want to so soon. I swallow to rid myself of the burn in my throat. I look straight at Lydia. After all, this isn’t my call. She smiles, but I can see it is hurting her. How could it not? She rubs at her eyelids, and I can’t help but notice how much darker they look in the last few weeks. The bruise-like bags under her eyes appear painful, and she has small wrinkles around her mouth now. She’s still beautiful, but I see how sick she is behind her blue pools. She looks exhausted.

  She runs her hand over Ava’s loose curls. “Sweetie, can you go play in the garden? Mommy Mandy and I will discuss this sleepover.”

  Ava nods enthusiastically before jumping from the chair, singing as she runs on the grass. She’s screaming at her imaginary friend when I look back at Lydia.

  “I’m sorry. I had no idea she was going to ask me that. She hasn’t mentioned it before.”

  Lydia takes my hand in hers. “I did. She brought it up last week. I don’t mind, Mandy. I came to terms with this a long time ago. I’m just so happy she is comfortable enough with you to ask and want to do it.”

  This woman is my hero. I can only wish to have half her strength. I owe her so much, and I’m afraid there’s not enough time to repay her.

  She wraps her hands around her cup as she continues, “If I’m honest, these new painkillers are wiping me out, and I could do with a sleep-in.”

  My mouth turns up into a small sympathetic smile. That’s all I can give her—sympathy. And she deserves so much more. She deserves to have a longer life without suffering. But if all I can do is give her something as simple as a sleep-in, I am more than happy to do it. Even if it’s also for selfish reasons.

  “I’d love to have her sleep over. I can take her tonight if it suits?”

  She relaxes into herself with a deep breath. Her shoulders are slimmer too, and her knuckles are protruding from the bluish skin.

  “That would be amazing. Thank you, Mandy.”

  I think about my next offer before saying it. I don’t want to step on any toes, but over the months Lydia has become a friend, and if I can’t help a friend when they need it, I’m no use.

  “If there’s ever a time when you don’t want Ava to leave but you need someone to watch her, I can always come here. I don’t mind staying a night. I live an hour away. It’s not a big deal.”

  Relief washes over her features. “Thank you, Mandy. I might take you up on the offer. But you deserve your own time with her too, and I’m glad she’s staying with you tonight.” She pats the back of my hand. “You didn’t ask, but I want to tell you. You’re doing amazing.”

  Now it’s my turn to wipe my eyes. I don’t deserve her praise, but it’s still reassuring to hear it.

  When she calls Ava back inside to tell her the good news, she twirls around, and hugs me so tight around my neck I can’t breathe.

  “Can we watch a movie?” She claps her hands and jumps on the spot.

  “Of course.”

  “And ice-cream?”

  “I have some cookie dough ice-cream.”

  Her eyes widen, and she shoots a toothless grin at me. “It’s my favourite.” I know because it’s mine too. “And can I stay up until eleven?” She says that one in a whisper and leans into me, darting her eyes at Lydia. This kid is no good at being sneaky.

  I poke her nose. “We both know your bedtime is ten at the weekends.”

  She rolls her eyes with that sassy attitude she has. “Fine.”

  As much as I want to give her everything she asks, it’s not fair to Lydia. She has worked too hard for me to unravel everything because I feel guilty.

  As Ava skips around the table with a skipping rope hanging from her hand, I hear the familiar sound of the front door. Lydia rushes to put her cup back down and her eyes go wild with panic.

  “Mandy, I’m so sorry. I told him to call me before he came by.”

  I can’t help feeling like my blood has thickened, and it’s struggling to get around my body. I haven’t been so close to him since the night he found out. We’ve danced around each other, making sure this exact moment never happens.

  Fuck.

  “Uncle Alex,” Ava squeals, and she runs out of the kitchen. From down the hall, I hear him as he takes her in his arms.

  “Hey, kid.” His voice is light and playful, and all the good things come rushing back. His voice coats over me and I feel it all the way to my toes.

  Jesus, I haven’t even seen him yet.

  Will he always have this effect on me?

  “I’m staying with Mommy Mandy tonight.”

  Her admission makes my throat close, and his silence makes my blood go cold.

  “Really?
” he says tightly. “Good for you, sweetheart. Why don’t you go play? I have to speak with your Mama and,” he stops, and the quietness is deafening, “Mommy Mandy,” he finishes.

  Ava bounces back into the kitchen with a new toy in tow. She continues out into the garden, where she sits on her blanket and continues her tea party from earlier.

  My body can sense him before I look his way. I know his eyes are on me, but when I find the courage to look back, his gaze averts to his sister. His shoulders square like he’s about to walk through a wall. He stalks to the table and leans his palms flat against it.

  “What the fuck is going on? She’s staying over?”

  Lydia purses her lips and rolls her eyes. “Don’t be difficult, Alex. Sit down. And I told you to call.”

  “Since when do I need to call you before I come by?”

  He’s right. He should be able to walk through the front door anytime he likes, as he has always done.

  She shoots him a look that says, ‘things are a little different now and that reason is sitting at my kitchen table’. It’s me. I’m the reason he needs to call, and I feel my face get hot. This shouldn’t be the way things are, but it’s not my place, so I press my lips together.

  He ignores her. “And she’s calling her Mommy. Have you lost your mind?” His voice is low but harsh and spills out of his mouth like venom. He’s blatantly ignoring me like I’m part of the furniture.

  It hurts.

  No, it more than hurts.

  It’s torture. I need to look him in the eyes.

  I need to see it for myself.

  “Mandy is helping me out. I could do with the break, okay?”

  He stands up straight, looking at her as if it’s the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. “I told you I will take her.”

  “Alex, you have her all the time. And you’re working around the clock. I can’t expect you to take more time off.”

  “Well, I do. I expect it,” he retorts, running a frustrated hand over his face.

  Lydia crosses her arms over her chest. The movement causes her to flinch. She previously mentioned it was almost time to take her pills. I go to the faucet to get her a glass of water and grab the container from the cupboard.

  “Thank you,” she whispers, smiling apologetically. I shake my head. It’s not her fault I’m in this position. This is all me.

  She turns back to Alex as she swallows the tablets, and his expression softens. He doesn’t like seeing his sister in pain. Alex is a fixer. He restores things. Watching Lydia like this must cause him great torment.

  “Alex,” she says, wiping the moisture from her mouth. “It was Ava’s idea. No one pressured her into anything. She asked. And Mandy is her mother.”

  “No, Lydia,” he snaps in quiet disdain. “You’re her mother.”

  That’s like a knife straight to the chest.

  I shouldn’t be here. I can busy myself somewhere else. “I’m going to pack Ava’s bag.”

  As I walk away, my shoulder brushes against him, and his fingers grab the inside of my elbow.

  “Stay,” he pleads, but anger is radiating from him. He drops his hand, as if touching me has burned him, and when I look up, all I see is the tension across his brow, and half-lidded eyes staring at the table.

  His scent washes over me, and it takes all my power not to bury my face in the crook of his neck and inhale all that he is.

  Please look at me, Alex.

  I swallow dryly before taking a deep breath to calm my pulse. “This isn’t about me.”

  He closes his eyes, his chest collapsing under the weight of his sigh. “This is all about you.”

  I nod in agreement because he’s right. I’ve caused this. “Yes. But not this, Alex. This conversation doesn’t involve me. Talk to your sister.” And I walk away. I look back only once, and when I do, he has Lydia in his arms.

  Fixing.

  ***

  When I leave her room and come back downstairs with her backpack, Alex is in the hallway waiting for me. His hands are in his pockets, feet shifting beneath him, and eyes to the floor. He looks up, but not at me. His eyes are everywhere. Over me, through me, past me, but he never looks at me.

  Goddammit, Alex, look at me.

  “I’ll pick Ava up from your house tomorrow. It’s something we have to get used to,” he says when I reach the last step.

  He takes a pace backward when I stand in front of him. He can’t even tolerate my presence. I chew the inside of my cheek because if I don’t, tears will come. My shoulders are beginning to shake with threatening sobs. I take a steadying breath, tapping my fingers against my thigh in rhythms to distract myself.

  I want to reach out and touch him, comfort him, tell him I’m sorry by putting my mouth on his. But it’s not my right anymore. Someone else will fill that space in Alex’s life, and I can’t help the bitterness rise in my throat.

  I’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

  “What time works for you?” he asks when I don’t respond.

  “Is four o’clock okay? I can make sure she eats before she leaves.”

  “Okay,” he agrees, and his lack of words is slowly killing me.

  Just once, I want his eyes to meet mine for more than a flicker. But he doesn’t and turns to leave, leaving an empty space and ice-cold air in his absence.

  He stops before reaching the door and turns his head over his shoulder.

  “Mandy,” he chokes, and tears come despite my efforts because the sound of my name rolling off his tongue brings back too many memories. It doesn’t sound the same when he says my name now. Only traces of warmth linger around the letters.

  He turns around and when his eyes meet mine, I can’t move. I’m stuck in this spot.

  He takes a step forward and I suck in air, but he breaks mid-stride, cursing under his breath. I quickly wipe the tears tickling my cheeks. His face flickers too many emotions at once, and none of them stays long enough to see the ones I remember.

  “I know you’re her mother. I shouldn’t have said what I said in there. I’m glad Ava is happy. That’s all I care about.”

  Message received.

  And I can’t hate him for it, because it makes my heart break with so much love for him. At least we share our priorities.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, but my voice breaks.

  He looks like he’s deliberating doing or saying something else, but he turns on his heels and leaves, taking a part of me with him.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  “My mommy is having a baby.” Kyle looks up at me with a gummy grin from the back of the classroom. All freckles and green eyes and excitement.

  “Well, I think Kyle wins News of the Week. What do you think, class?”

  The rest cheer and clap and continue to argue about whose brother or sister will be cuter.

  There’s something in the water in this town. At least five of the other mothers are pregnant and it’s only February.

  The classroom door swings open, and everyone’s head turns. Marie, the secretary, scurries into the room and leans close to me, whispering, “Mandy, there’s a call waiting for you in the office. She said her name is Lydia. It sounded rather urgent.”

  The blood drains from my upper body and pools at my feet. Marie must notice because she pats my back. “Go. I’ll wait here with them while you’re on the phone.”

  “Thank you. Kids, get out your copybooks, and draw me a picture of your favourite place.” That should keep them occupied.

  I practically sprint out of the classroom and down the hall. Lydia has never called me while I’m at work. I gave her the number for emergencies because I didn’t check my phone during class time.

  I try to fill my lungs before I answer. “Lydia?”

  “Mandy, I’m sorry to call you like this.” She sounds dreadful.

  “It’s fine. Are you okay?”

  She catches her breath, and there’s an obvious wheeze. She’s struggling. “I’m not doing well today. I’m feelin
g a little weak and nauseous. Ava finishes school in just over an hour, and I don’t think I’ll manage the walk.”

  This must be bad. Ava’s school is five minutes from Lydia’s house. She usually walks the block to drop her off and collect her.

  “Alex is out of town until tonight. My dad is getting over the flu, so I can’t risk him being around, and I can’t get in contact with Owen or Charlotte. I know you’re at work, too, but-”

  “I’ll be there to pick her up on time,” I cut in.

  She sighs. “Thank you, Mandy.”

  “I need to get the substitute to watch my class and I’ll go get her. Do you need me to get you anything?”

  Her laugh is tight and causes her to cough. “Ice-cream.”

  I laugh too.

  “My throat is on fire. Some ice-cream would be good.”

  “You got it. I’ll see you soon. Try to get some rest.”

  “The door is unlocked. I’ll call the school and let them know you’re picking her up. You’ll need your ID. I’m sorry this is so awkward.”

  “I’m a teacher, Lydia. We have the same policy here. I’ve got identification with me. Get some sleep. Crisis averted. Now, get off the phone or I’ll be late,” I say playfully.

  “Yeah. Yeah. Now you sound like a teacher. Thanks, Mandy. See you soon.”

  I hang up, but the boulder resting on my shoulders feels heavier by the second. Lydia didn’t sound good at all, but right now, I don’t have time to dwell. I need to get my students sorted so I can leave.

  Garry has a student teacher with him this week and I’m about to steal him.

  Knocking on his door, I straighten up and rest my hands on my hips so he doesn’t notice them trembling.

  “What’s up?” He pokes his head out. I gesture for him to come outside so the students won’t hear.

  “I need your student teacher.”

  His eyes narrow. “No fair. I was enjoying the rest.” But his eyes finally catch up and he notices when I break out in a sweat. “What is it?”