Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series)

by Laura Ashley Gallagher

  “Lydia’s sick. She needs me to pick up Ava.”

  “Shit. Of course. He’s not qualified to be with them on his own though, so let me get my kids ready and I’ll take both classes to the hall for some games for the last hour.”

  I have the best friends.

  I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss his cheek. “I owe you, Garry.”

  “Go. I’ll sort them.”

  He doesn’t have to tell me twice. I rush to my class, grab my bag, and explain to Marie that Garry is taking over.

  “It’s an emergency. I have to go pick my daughter up from school.”

  Her face visibly drops. I forgot I hadn’t told anybody at work.

  “You have a daughter?”

  Shit.

  I’m not ashamed of my story. Not anymore, but I don’t have the time.

  “Oh, Marie. I’ll explain. I promise. But I need to go. Ask Garry, he’ll tell you all about it.”

  She’s dumbfounded. Poor woman.

  “Kids, behave. Mr. Miller will take you to the hall for some games.” They cheer. “I have to leave, but Mr. Miller will tell me if anyone steps out of line. I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

  “Bye Ms. Parker,” they singsong in unison.

  It’s an hour to Ava’s school. I can get there and pick up some ice-cream after.

  On the way, my thoughts aren’t how big of a moment this is: to pick up Ava from school, but my mind immediately goes to Lydia. I noticed since Christmas, the strength she once had was deteriorating both internally and externally. Her muscles were withering, and the ones she had cramped unmercifully. It caused her agony. She’d lost weight, and it was more than her body could handle. Her skin was dry because some days she couldn’t keep water down. Alex and I did our best with Ava. Mostly, when we had her, we stayed in Lydia’s house. We didn’t cross paths much, but at least Lydia could be with Ava.

  I hate thinking of it, and I curse myself when I do, but I know her body can’t hold on much longer.

  I don’t want Ava to lose her mama and endure more loss. And I don’t want Alex and his family to go through the pain of burying their sister and daughter. But selfishly, I don’t want to lose a friend. Because she has become more than that. She’s my mentor on this crazy journey. She loved and accepted me when she didn’t have to. She opened her heart and her home to a strange woman and trusted I was there for the right reasons.

  “Snap out of it, Mandy,” I mutter to myself, shaking my head and wiping the tears streaming down my face. Ava can’t see me like this.

  I’ve made it with two minutes to spare, and when I park my car, classes are streaming outside into the schoolyard. My eyes catch her immediately. Messy curls floating around her face. I’m pretty sure Lydia ties her hair back going to school, but now her elastic hangs on for dear life on a few strands of hair, and the rest is in a tangle.

  Poor thing has my hair.

  I remove my identification from my purse and stand inside the school gate until she sees me. Her face lifts, eyes wide, and she immediately breaks into an awkward sprint as her bag bobs on her back.

  “Mommy,” she screams like a child possessed and runs straight into my arms.

  “Hey, sweet girl. You ready to go?”

  She nods enthusiastically, her beautiful smile never faltering.

  “You must be Mandy?” A young woman around my age approaches and reaches out her hand. I shake it and pass her my ID.

  “Nice to meet you.”

  “Ava’s told us lots about you.”

  I look down at the child, who looks like she ran through a bush, and squeeze her tighter to me.

  “Mandy was the mommy who had me in her tummy.”

  Oh, Ava.

  A tight smile edges on my face as the teacher becomes slightly wide-eyed. I’m not sure if she knows the full story, but it’s not the first time I’ve received that look. Many people assume Lydia and I are a couple, and we don’t correct them anymore. People will think what they want to. Most are strangers and their opinions don’t matter. It has become a running joke. And Lydia thinks it’s funny when she tells me her brother, Owen, is next on my list. I cringe, I really do, but I love her sense of humour.

  But I don’t have time to explain to her teacher what our situation is. Lydia is at home and she needs me.

  “I should get going.”

  She closes her mouth, glances at the name on the identification, and hands it back to me.

  “No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ava.”

  “Bye.” She waves as I take her hand and lead her to the car.

  “Okay, young lady. Before you get in, I need to fix your hair. It’s a health hazard.”

  She grunts and relaxes her shoulders, so her bag falls to the floor. I braid her hair quickly. Once she’s home, I’ll bath her and braid it properly. It’ll stay in place for a few days, so Lydia won’t have to worry about doing it.

  On the way home, Ava fills me in on all her news from school. She doesn’t ask why I collected her, and she almost bounces off the roof when I tell her we’re getting ice-cream.

  I don’t know which one Lydia likes, so I buy one in each flavour, because you can never have enough ice-cream.

  When we get to the house, Lydia calls out to say she’s upstairs. I unpack the groceries and get Ava settled with a movie while I make sure Lydia is okay.

  “Mama is a little tired today. You okay here for a few minutes while I do something, and when I come down, I’ll fix us some dinner?”

  She’s already engrossed in the opening credits. “Uh, huh.”

  Upstairs, Lydia’s room has the distinct smell of sickness. It’s dark, the blinds are closed, and I can smell vomit somewhere.

  Why didn’t she call me sooner?

  “Ava’s downstairs watching a movie,” I answer before she can ask. “Were you going to lie here all day, and not tell anybody? How long have you been like this?”

  She rolls her eyes and wipes a bony hand over her lips.

  “You can’t give out to me. I’m sick.”

  It’s good to still see humour dancing in her eyes. She sighs but I hardly notice, because she doesn’t have the energy for a full one.

  “I started feeling bad on the walk home from the school this morning. I thought it was the medication, but this shit is nasty.”

  Lydia doesn’t curse. I’ve never heard her utter one bad word.

  This must be bad.

  Time to make her comfortable because she’s bent like a pretzel in the bed. And she’s lost so much weight, she’s hidden under the covers.

  “Are you strong enough to sit up in the chair for ten minutes? I can get new bed sheets on.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I know, but I want to.”

  She tries to smile, I think. “You’re a star. I might take a shower.”

  That’s a good sign.

  While I help Lydia into her seat in the shower, I get to work tidying the room. I sweep and wash the floors, open the windows, change the bedsheets, and lay out clean pajamas. She looks marginally better when she comes back into the room.

  I glance at her shoulders but quickly avert my eyes. I knew she’d lost weight, but oh my word. Her collarbone is jutting out almost painfully, and when she turns to get dressed, I can see each of her vertebrae.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’ll make some soup.” She’s about to object when I raise my palm and stop her. “You can’t take your medication on an empty stomach. You’ll make yourself worse, and it’ll stop me from nagging if you do it.”

  Her nose scrunches and she grunts just like Ava does. “Anything to stop you from nagging,” she mutters.

  “Hey, I heard that.”

  She laughs, and it warms my soul.

  Later that evening, after dinner, I bathe Ava, braid her hair, and get her ready for bed. I tidy downstairs while Lydia reads her a bedtime story, and I make sure Ava’s homework is packed away. When I go back upstairs with a hot water bottle for Lydia, Ava
is already snoring. I kiss her head and ask any god who will listen to keep her safe and give her strength over the months to come. At least when I lost Nick, I was old enough to understand it.

  “You okay with me staying tonight?”

  Lydia is trying to hold up a book when I go back into her bedroom.

  “Of course.” Now, I know things are bad. The Lydia I know, would never give in and admit she needs help. “Want to climb in here and watch a movie with me?” She pulls back the covers and smirks.

  “You know people are already talking about us, and now you want to share a bed with me. Got something you want to say?”

  “If I were to fall in love with a woman, it would be you, Mandy Parker.” She winks and laughs hoarsely as I press the hot water bottle to her back.

  I take one of her million cushions from her walk-in wardrobe. “Things are about to get so kinky.” She looks almost scared. Her back has been aching all day. “This may help. My mom’s back sometimes spasms, and it helps when she lies on her side with a cushion between her knees. It will take the pressure off your hips.”

  She doesn’t argue when I position her on her right side and lift her knee to place the cushion there. I put another cushion at her back and sandwich the hot water bottle between it.

  “You should have been a doctor. This feels amazing.”

  “I know, right!” I delicately squeeze her forearm. “We can watch a movie another night. You should get some sleep.”

  Her eyes are already closing, and she can’t deny it when a yawn takes over her face.

  She grabs my hand before I walk away. “I wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

  Oh, no.

  This is the talk.

  The one I could sense coming, and no amount of time will prepare me for this moment.

  “Sure.” I shrug, trying to hide the fear I’m feeling.

  She pats the bed, beckoning me to sit. I do as she asks.

  “You look petrified, Mandy,” she states, arching an eyebrow. I hate being this easy to read. “Relax.”

  I smile, but it quickly falters, and we both inhale a shaky breath.

  “Thank you,” she says quietly, clasping her fingers with mine.

  My eyes bulge. I shake my head. “For what?”

  “For being more than I hoped for. For being a friend. For being patient with Alex and his stubborn ways. But most of all, for being an amazing mother to Ava.”

  Licking my lips, I swallow the lump lodged in my throat. Tears fall anyway because I know this is what I feared it was going to be.

  This is goodbye.

  “I should thank you, Lydia. Ava is all you and she’s beautiful for it.”

  She shrugs but a prideful smile pulls at her lips and her eyes sparkle. “I suppose we could go around in circles thanking each other. I’m just happy she has you in her life.”

  “She always will,” I assure her.

  She nods, patting the top of my hand. “I know that.” She rests both our hands at her side, adjusting herself back on her pillows. “I want to tell you when the time comes, Ava will go to Alex.”

  I can’t help but smile. Ava will be happy with him, and he treats her like a little princess.

  “But I want you to continue what you’re doing together. Alex won’t get in the way of that. I wanted to assure you when I’m not here, it doesn’t mean Ava is taken away too.”

  I swipe at the tears flowing down my cheeks, but a strained sob erupts deep in my chest. I stand and gently wrap my arms around her narrow shoulders. She hugs me back as tightly as she can.

  “Thank you, Lydia. I can never thank you enough for this.”

  Pulling away, she takes my face in her hands, and I find myself staring into very familiar blue eyes, and it makes my chest crack wide open.

  “He’s hurt and confused, but the day he stops loving you will be the day hell freezes over.”

  It’s nice of her to say, but Alex has made his decision and I’m okay with that.

  Scratch that, I’m not. I hate it, but I understand, and I don’t have any other choice.

  “A love like yours doesn’t come around every day. I should know.” She smiles and her eyes aren’t sad. She’s accepted it.

  I know what she’s trying to say: Don’t give up.

  ***

  When I wake, I’m in pitch black, enveloped in blankets, and I no longer have the book I was reading. I rub my eyes, hoping they’ll adjust to the dark. I’m in the guest bedroom.

  How?

  I fell asleep on the chair in Lydia’s room, reading a book. I vaguely remember my head pressed against something hard, but I thought I was dreaming.

  How the hell did I get in here?

  Like alarm bells, my mind races.

  Alex.

  My stomach does a somersault, and I remind myself to take a breath.

  Unless I was sleepwalking, there’s no other way I could have come in here.

  I pull back the covers and shiver as the cool night air creeps across my skin. It’s 5.30 a.m., and when I open the bedroom door, the moonlight is filtering through the windows into the hall. I briefly check on Lydia. No one is in there but her, and Ava is sleeping like a starfish, but alone.

  Downstairs, I tiptoe to avoid the creak of the wooden floors. I distinctly remember turning off all the lights down here, so when I see the glow from overhead the stove illuminating the kitchen, my pulse races, and I’m suddenly wide awake.

  Approaching the doorway, I see him. His strong, broad structure hunches over, staring at his laptop, biceps strained and the sight swirls low in my belly.

  As if sensing me, he sits up straight and glances over his shoulder. I can’t remember the last time he looked at me for more than a few seconds, but there’s no denying how his eyes rake over me, and my fingers dig into the door frame for support.

  Then it’s gone. Not his stare, but the warmth in his depths. He closes his laptop and stands up.

  “Thank you, Mandy.” I think my heart has stopped, or I’ve spiralled into shock. “For being here today for Ava and Lydia. I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.” His voice is low, raspy, and does something to my nervous system because goosebumps play out on my skin. I’m glad it’s still dark so he can’t see the blush on my skin.

  “Lydia’s my friend, and I’ll always be here for Ava.”

  His gaze locks with mine for a long second, and he nods. He has accepted that much.

  Clearing his throat, he shifts his weight from one foot to another. He’s nervous, or scared, or both. “Lydia isn’t getting any better. I don’t want Ava around too much at the end. She’s young but old enough to remember.”

  I know what he’s about to ask, and he doesn’t need to.

  “I’ll be here, Alex. Anytime. You don’t even need to call. Drop her off or I can come to get her.”

  He nods again and runs a hand over his stubble.

  Silence.

  Nothing to fill the space between us and my insides tighten.

  “Did you carry me to bed?” I blurt, unable to stop myself.

  I swear, I see a shadow on a smirk on his lips, but it’s gone before I can tell for certain. “You looked uncomfortable on the chair.”

  “You didn’t have-”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time I carried you to bed, Mandy.”

  Oh, sweet divine.

  My blood has turned to lava, and everything in me is burning. When Alex carried me to bed, it was rarely for sleep. I stutter, trying my best to untangle my tongue and cool myself of the vicious flush sweeping over me.

  I swallow, building enough courage to ask, “Can we talk?”

  “No,” he responds as fast, and I don’t feel so hot anymore. Here comes the ice wall of Alex.

  “Alex?”

  “Go home, Mandy.”

  I bite my lip.

  Don’t cry.

  This is stupid. I purse my lips together hard before sucking in what air I can to stop myself from crying. “We can’t go on like this for
ever.”

  My entire body stiffens as he stands tall and strides towards me. He stops inches away from my face, and I feel his warm breath rush over me. I almost close my eyes and moan. And when his hand comes up and tucks my hair behind my ear and off my shoulder, I can’t hold back the heavy breath that escapes me.

  “You need to go home, Mandy.”

  One quick brush of his thumb across my lips and he’s gone.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Church bells.

  Rain.

  The sound of distant sobs.

  Bleakness.

  A familiar feeling of emptiness.

  It was like every other funeral.

  But it wasn’t.

  Lydia wasn’t religious, but her mother was, so she wanted a typical Catholic burial.

  Four days.

  It took four days after I joked with her and tucked her into bed with a hot water bottle for her to succumb to the illness that was eating her from the inside out.

  Those four days were filled with laughter echoing around the walls of her home, cuddles and watching movies with her daughter, and saying goodbye to her family.

  We thought she was being dramatic. She was happy and had more energy than usual.

  Surely, she had a little while longer?

  But Lydia knew something we didn’t. She knew when she was tired, and she knew when it was her time.

  She asked if Ava could stay with me. Alex made her comfortable, said goodnight, and went to sleep in the guest bedroom.

  She never woke up.

  At the church, I tried to sneak in at the back, but in Alex’s arms, Ava’s big eyes spotted me as they took their seats in the front pew. Tony waved me forward as I battled with the lump bobbing in my throat. The music Lydia chose and the way the singer was singing punched me right in the gut.

  I offered a brief salute and tried to take my seat with Garry, Claire, and Sally. Alex turned with Ava’s small hands still resting on his shoulders, and tilted his chin, beckoning me to come to him.

  “I’ll be back in a sec,” I whispered to my friends before scurrying up the aisle to see why I was needed.

  I rubbed my hand down Ava’s back. “Hey, sweetheart. Are you doing okay?”

  She nodded, clutching her bear a little tighter.

  Tony gestured to the seats in the pew. “You’ll sit with us, Mandy.”