‘But you were barely out of school.’
‘Don’t make him out to be one of those sort.’ She flicks the ash on the damp flagstones.
‘I’m just saying he can’t stick to one woman, no matter what he says. He was shacked up with her, a widow, sponging off her an’ all, no doubt, and at the same time declaring his undying love to you, sweetheart.’
‘Why should I believe you? That’s not the Adam I know.’ She chucks her stub out of the back door and fetches two more cans from the fridge.
‘There’s always someone else. Every single time. You need to get shot of him.’ He opens a can and takes down a long mouthful of beer. ‘How’s Jamie taking it all, sis?’
‘He’s quiet; doesn’t like me to be out of his sight. I kept him off school yesterday but he’s back today. It’s difficult for him, you know, with all the other kids digging at him.’ She presses her hands to her face. ‘I just want my baby back.’
‘I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to try and keep things as normal as possible for Jamie.’
‘That story he came up with, about him having a sister that he met at the local park. Now I’m wondering if he wasn’t making it up after all.’
‘The truth will come out, Ali. You’ve just got to try and reassure him that everything will be fine, that whatever happens, he’ll always have you.’
Alison wipes her face on her sleeve. She can’t believe this is happening to her. It’s supposed to be the happiest moment of her life, being with Adam, completing their little family with another boy, it’s what they’d hoped for all those years ago. How could it have all fallen apart?
‘But Ray, what am I going to do if they don’t find Charlie?’
Chapter Seventy
Maddy: December 2019
When Maddy brings the coffee into the living room, Max is standing on the lawn in the moonlight. She leaves the drinks on the table and joins him.
‘Remember the moon landing exhibition?’ he says without looking at her.
She nods.
‘Amazing, wasn’t it? We’re lucky to have been alive for the fiftieth anniversary. I like what you’ve done with the garden, by the way, although having only black flowers is quite eerie at night. I’d have preferred a Moon Garden.’
Their eyes meet.
‘It’s as though all the colour has drained out of your world.’ He touches her arm but she twists away.
‘I thought you were dead. I’ve been a widow in mourning.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He looks away. ‘You’ve kept the tree,’ he stumbles over his words.
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ He’s full of tricks. Mother warned her.
Max doesn’t answer.
‘Do you know they found your rucksack, then your van? It was on the local news.’
He dips his head.
‘Why didn’t you call to let me know you were okay?’
‘I wasn’t well, I couldn’t think straight.’
‘They told us to expect the worst.’ She pulls her cardigan round her tighter and folds her arms. ‘Can you imagine what that did to Emily?’
‘I’m really sorry. I stood on that bridge and my mind went blank. I felt at peace, like it was the solution to everything.’
‘Solution to what?’
‘And the next moment I’d jumped.’
‘But you got out.’
‘I nearly drowned.’
‘Wasn’t that the idea?’
‘I don’t know. I damaged my leg.’ He bends down to rub his shin. Two bats fly in concentric circles above their heads. ‘I suppose I thought you’d be better off without me, that you could claim the life insurance, I don’t know.’
Maddy faces him full on. ‘On a missing body?’ She follows him to the foot of the tree. ‘You wanted us to believe you were dead?’ The words fester above them like a cloud of midges. She studies Max’s profile. The beautiful outline of his jaw is smudged by the new beard. A hint of loose skin has formed beneath his chin.
He looks deep into her eyes in that intense James Dean way he has, this strong power he has over her, and sure enough the familiar flutter rises in her chest, catching her by surprise. She moves away from him, determined not to be drawn in.
He reaches forward and touches the bark. ‘In that minute I wanted to be dead, and for… for Chloe to be alive.’ He clenches his fist and thumps the tree, letting out a sob.
‘And you don’t think I felt like that too?’ Her mind flashes back to the summers they’ve spent in the garden, a jumble of images of Max sitting under the tree reading The Times, her planting flowers, mowing the lawn, the girls running around in their swimming costumes, spraying each other with water. The time he helped her put up the archway into the girls’ play den, holding the metal posts while he banged them into the ground. Planting clematis up one side and honeysuckle up the other; the memory speeds up and suddenly she can see the plants growing in front of her eyes until they’ve merged as one at the top of the gothic spike.
There is a rustle in the bushes bringing her back. A neighbour’s black cat darts out and disappears across the lawn into the darkness. A shiver runs through her body. Her mother’s voice in her head, clear as anything, telling her it’s another ominous sign. The dogs start scratching again at the utility room door, so loudly it echoes around the garden.
‘Let’s go in.’ She hurries Max inside and closes the patio doors. They sit on the sofa, closer this time. She can smell him, his stale sweat and whiskey on his breath. She remembers what her mother told her about men like him, how sly and tricksy they are. She pours large shots of whiskey into a couple of glasses.
‘The police searched for your body for four days. They’ll want to know you’re alive.’
‘I promise I’ll tell them.’
‘So where did you go?’ She brings the amber liquid to her lips and knocks it back. Like fire through a tunnel, she can visualise it burning its way down to her stomach.
‘I’ve been staying in a bedsit mostly.’
She stares at him until he looks away. She refills the empty glasses. The dogs are whining and one of them barks.
‘Shall I go and let them out?’ he says.
‘I thought you had something to tell me.’ She hears her mother’s voice, not her own. She pours the whiskey into her mouth, letting it pool there, numbing the skin, before she swallows it down.
‘I know I should have told you this straight away… but I didn’t know how you’d take it and I don’t want to lose you.’
She slams the glass down on the table. Her body is a furnace, ready to blow. Max fumbles in his pocket and draws out a half-flattened box of cigarettes. The dogs start up a chorus of barking and howling.
‘Still not given up?’ Maddy shakes her head. ‘Find it hard giving things up, don’t you?’ She grabs the packet and tosses it on the floor.
Max sighs. ‘I was with someone years before you and she got pregnant, but her family told me she’d had an abortion. They forced me to move away, change my name. But it turns out she had the baby. I only found out by accident.’
They hear a loud clunk. The dogs have pushed the door handle down and broken out. They scamper and skid down the hall into the living room, jumping up at him, licking his face and hands.
‘Three dogs?’ He tries to fend them off, but they continue to jump all over him unable to contain their excitement.
‘I know all about your other family… Adam,’ she hisses.
‘It was you.’ Max grabs her wrist.
She shakes her hand free. ‘I quite like the way you’ve done your house out. Funny that everything’s so similar to ours.’
‘Do you know what’s happened to the baby?’
‘What baby?’
‘Alison’s baby. Don’t you watch the news?’
Maddy crosses her arms. ‘You mean your baby.’
‘I was coming to that, I’m so sorry.’
‘Sorry you slept with her or sorry you’ve been found out?’
‘Plea
se tell me if you know where the baby is.’
‘You got two women pregnant and you decided to jump off a bridge. What kind of a father are you?’ She flicks her hand at him.
‘She got pregnant without telling me.’
‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ She laughs hysterically. ‘You’ve been sleeping with another woman – living with her, playing happy families.’
‘She tried to trap me.’
‘Ahh, trouble in paradise. Am I meant to feel sorry for you? Were you ever going to tell me?’
‘Yes, I wanted to…’ Max covers his face with his hands, ‘…so many times.’ He leans back in his seat and shuts his eyes. She pours more whiskey for herself, drinking it in one before refilling both glasses. She holds one out to Max, nudging him until he opens his eyes. He takes it from her, staring ahead, unblinking, and drinks it down.
‘But it was easier for you if we thought you were dead?’
‘I wanted to come back here to be with you and Emily.’
‘Why didn’t you leave her then?’ she shouts.
‘I wanted to, but she must have sensed I wanted out. Next thing I knew, she was expecting.’
‘And so was I.’ Maddy growls in his face. ‘What about me and our baby?’
‘I didn’t know what to do.’ His hands twist together.
‘You could have come home at any time.’
‘It was complicated.’ He drags his hands down his face.
She sits back and waits.
‘Because like I said, she had a baby eight years ago, a son I thought had been aborted.’
‘Ah yes, young Jamie, a fine boy.’
Max looks up. ‘He knows about Emily. Was it you, coming to the house?’
‘So, you never thought to mention you had a son before we got married?’
‘I didn’t know she’d had him, honestly.’ He moves to the edge of the sofa. His hands across his eyes, kneading his skin.
‘And you expect me to believe that after all your lies?’ She springs up and stands in the middle of the room, hands on hips.
‘It’s the truth, Maddy.’
‘So, when did you find out this delightful piece of news?’
‘When I met Alison again,’ he hesitates, ‘two years ago.’
‘Behind my back. Lying to me for two whole years.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ His hands sweep over his face.
‘Are you really, Max? I don’t believe you. You had every opportunity to tell me.’
‘I’m honestly truly sorry.’
‘So come on, help me out here – Max Saunders doesn’t actually exist, does he?’
‘He does, I mean I do. It’s still me, your husband who loves you.’ He holds out his hands to her, but her arms stay crossed. He sinks back into the sofa. For several moments they don’t speak. The clock in the hall chimes midnight.
‘I stupidly convinced myself you were the one person I could trust.’ She starts to cry.
‘Maddy… please…’
‘Now I know how my mother felt when she found out my dad had been cheating with half the neighbourhood. Is that what you’ve been doing too?’
‘No Maddy, no.’ He reaches out and tries to touch her arm.
‘Why should I believe a word you say? I finally understand the pain my father put her through.’
‘I wanted to be a proper father to my son, to the child I didn’t know existed until he was six years old.’
She finishes her drink. Don’t let him get away with it.
‘Let’s start afresh, move away, if you can just help me clear my debts.’
Maddy stares at the photo of Chloe and Emily. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘We can work it out, I know we can. It’s you I love, not her.’
Her head is pulsing. Does this even mean anything to her?
‘It’s you I want. I know I’ve been an idiot.’
‘I can’t think right now.’ She pours another finger of whiskey and drinks it down.
‘Just say you’ll give me another chance.’ He slides off the sofa onto his knees. There are tears in his eyes.
‘I don’t think I can.’
‘Do you want me to go?’
‘You promised Emily you’d be here in the morning.’ Her voice stumbles. The thought of him leaving again paralyses her. She tries to block out her mother’s voice, but it’s getting louder, more insistent. ‘Haven’t you missed your bed?’ The words escape before she can stop them. They stare at each other and he rests his hand on her leg. She lets him gently push her back on the sofa and her mind floats in a cloud of his intoxicating odour of whiskey, cigarettes and sweat. He leans over, pushes up her jumper and kisses the warm skin around her navel.
‘No,’ she says in her mother’s voice, and pushes him away.
Chapter Seventy-One
After only two hours’ sleep, Maddy wakes with a start. She can’t remember going to bed. Was Max coming back a dream? It takes another few seconds before she remembers: Max is alive. With a surge of energy she sits upright, holding a hand to her pounding chest. He is lying next to her gently snoring, a line of cushions piled up between them.
Her head falls back on the pillow and she stares at the ceiling which transforms into a blue sky. On their wedding day, he slipped the gold band on her finger and she was certain they were happy. But had he been? Had he really wanted to be with her? Tears stream down her cheeks until she gives in to sleep once more.
It is 7 a.m. when she wakes again. Sam has slept through. In the kitchen, she fills the kettle and switches the TV on low.
The baby went missing in the early hours of Saturday morning from the family home.
She turns the TV off and pours boiling water into a bowl ready to warm a bottle of formula milk. He said they could move to the coast, but how can she trust him again? Why has he come back? Mother says he’s trying to trick her and take Sam away.
The baby is crying upstairs. She wakes Emily and brings Sam down. His fingers tangle in her hair. She kisses his forehead and touches the two circles of heat on his cheeks then slips two fingers down the back of his top.
‘You’re a bit warm, darling.’ She offers him his bottle and he takes a little while Emily eats her cereal, but then he cries, turning his head from side to side, rejecting any more milk. She lays him in the pram. ‘Come and say goodbye to Daddy.’
Maddy takes up a cup of tea. Max is sitting in bed watching the news. She switches it off. Emily runs to him and throws herself on the bed.
‘I’ll drop Emily at school then take Sam for a walk. You’ll stay for a while, will you?’
He nods, his gaze lingering on the blank screen.
After waving Emily off at the school gate, she carries on down Belmont Road, towards the shops, some of which are just opening. A road sweeper trundles along with his cart and grabber in hand; he tries to catch an empty plastic bag cartwheeling down the path. At the kiosk outside Uxbridge station, a small queue of people glance at their newspapers in between flicking their wrists over to check their watches. As she approaches, time seems to slow down and everyone stops and stares at her. A man at the front of the line with two cocker spaniels pulling on their leads, holds out his change to the woman sitting behind scores of front-page headlines in large bold letters:
BABY SNATCHED
Maddy blinks at all the faces staring at her. It’s in their eyes – questioning if this is her baby. She needs to be careful. Keep him safe, away from all the prying people Mother has warned her about. She turns left away from them, towards the main shopping precinct. Sam is awake but quiet, his cheeks the colour of cherries. Inside the precinct the metal grille covering H. Samuel clatters open halfway revealing the shiny black shoes of the proprietor. A man in the clothes shop next door is vacuuming as Maddy charges past. It is not until she has walked right through the centre that she comes to an abrupt halt outside an electrical shop.
Three televisions on a glittering podium flicker behind the glass. A woman she recognises is sittin
g at a table next to a policewoman. Her name is on the table in front of her: ‘Detective Inspector Fay Downy’. Cameras flash at them from different angles. Suddenly, the pale face of the woman she knows is filling the screen. Her watery eyes are puffy and shadowed, the blonde hair unwashed, almost mousy. She is looking straight at her. Maddy tries to read the trembling lips. She can make out the word ‘please’ three times before the woman breaks down. The camera pans back to the inspector. Her fingers lock together and lift off the table when she emphasises a word. The camera pans back to the other woman, holding a blue teddy. Maddy takes in a long, deep breath.
‘Terrible, isn’t it?’ says a voice next to her, giving her a start. An old lady with a shopping trolley bag is watching the televisions alongside her. ‘Who’d take a dear little baby?’ She looks in at Sam who starts to grizzle. ‘There, there, you’re safe and sound, sweetheart, your mummy’s here.’ The woman smiles at Maddy. ‘Are you all right, my dear?’
Maddy turns the pram around and hurries back to the high street. It feels colder than earlier and Sam won’t stop crying. It’s a shrill sound which sets her nerves on edge. She puts her head down and pushes the pram as fast as she can up Belmont Road, stopping by a bench to catch her breath. Sam’s crying so much she feels her own tears welling up. She lifts him out and gasps at how burning hot he is. She digs into his nappy bag for her mobile. Where is it? She can’t have left it behind. She tries every pocket but it’s not there. Sam’s cries become more shrill. What’s wrong with him? She lifts him out and her phone clatters to the ground. Shit! Thankfully the leather case has saved it from being damaged. She dials the house number, jogging Sam on her hip.
It seems to ring forever. Max must have gone back to sleep. Worse still, what if he’s left? She dials again and is about to give up when he answers.
‘It’s me,’ she gasps.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s Sam. He’s sick.’ A sob escapes her lips.
‘Where are you?’
‘Belmont Road, near the school.’
‘I’ll be there in two minutes.’
Maddy bounces Sam up and down on her lap, trying to make him stop crying, but his cries become louder and louder and all she wants to do is make him stop.
Every Little Secret Page 27