Of Different Times

by Agnes Kirkwood

  My dad was the first to come in that night. He looked at mum and could see that she had been crying. The butterflies in my stomach worked overtime.

  ‘What the bloody hell’s going on here?’ he said.

  ‘You better ask our Nan,’ came her reply.’ He looked at me and I just stared silently with determination in my eyes, there was no way I was going to back out; or so I thought. Mum told him I wanted money for the train to go back to Scotland. When he asked why, mum answered because she’s going to get married that’s why. He looked at me with anger in his eyes and slammed a fist on the table two inches off me. It didn’t just make me jump my mum nearly jumped of the armchair with fright. She ran over to his side shouting for him not to hit me, because I was having a baby. William drew in breath with his mouth open and just stared at me. That made dad worse, the anger was seething inside him like a volcano waiting to erupt.

  ‘Get up that bloody stairs, before you reach Scotland quicker than you expect with the toe of my bloody boot up your arse,’ he shouted in temper.

  I got up and leapt up the stairs two at a time; my suitcase followed at my heels. I remember lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I really wanted to cry, something that I rarely did, and the lump in my throat felt as though I had swallowed a horse without chewing it. A thousand thoughts ran through my mind. One minute I was convincing myself I would be glad to get away from here. The next I was remembering when I lived with Gran who I knew loved me but it didn’t stop me from missing my family and how I was glad to be home. Would it be the same if I went back to Scotland, would I miss having no one to turn to? I kept feeling my belly not believing that there was a wee baby in there. Then I’d pat it and reassure it that everything was going to be all right. If only Billy knew what was going on now he would be my saviour and come and take me away from all this and we would live happy ever after, and I wouldn’t care if I never saw my parents ever again. I decided to write Billy a letter, because I didn’t want all our friends to know just yet and I knew they would probably be at the phone box when he phoned the following night. I put everything in it from finding out I was pregnant to the argument I had with my mother I even told him what mum had suggested about the gin and castor oil. I didn’t have a stamp so I marked the corner as if there had been one on but it must have come off. I posted it the next day discretely as we passed the post box on the way to get the works van. All day at work I was quiet. Even when Stan came down from the mill to get some wires I never opened my mouth. He asked what was wrong with me and I just told him to mind his own business, because whatever it was it was nothing to do with him. I just could not find anything I wanted to say to anyone. At break time everyone was asking if I was all right because usually they couldn’t get a word in edgeways for me yapping; they noticed I wasn’t my usual bubbly self.

  I never spoke to my dad the next day at work, even my brother kept silent and told Stan to back off when he started his funny cracks and rubbish talk, especially about Elvis not being as good as Cliff, trying to wind me up. I was miserably unhappy. After work I went straight to my room after dinner and stayed there until it was time to walk down the village because Billy was phoning me that night. I called for Winnie and she went with me. I told her all about being pregnant, and the trouble at home with mum and dad. She was shocked to hear I was pregnant, but reassured me I wasn’t the first and as far as she was concerned I won’t be the last either. I felt better just having someone the same age to share my secret with. She advised me to tell Billy that night on the phone, so I did. I told him that I had written him a letter and he would probably get it within the next couple of days. I explained that I had something to tell him that I didn’t want to tell the rest of our friends yet, and he agreed. He told me he was in the phone box alone so I told him. He was as shocked as I was, but promised me that he would marry me if that was what I wanted. I remember telling him it wasn’t a case of what I wanted because if he didn’t want to marry me then I wasn’t going to force him. He reassured me that he did want to get married, but he wouldn’t be coming to England if that was what my mother thought of him. He said we could get married at the registry office then stay at his parents until we got a place of our own. I came back from that phone on cloud nine that night; it was all I wanted to hear. That night we went to Winnie’s gran’s house, no dancing, we just listened to music on the radio, and talked. I felt my usual happy self. That was until I went home. Mum was waiting for me coming in; she knew I had been on the phone to Billy that night, because I was no sooner in the door when she asked me what he had said. I told her that we were going to get married and live with his mother until we could get a house of our own. She looked shocked like I thought she would, but I didn’t care.

  ‘That means you’ll be living with her for years then, because council houses have a long waiting list. Is that what you really want to do?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I defiantly shouted and ran upstairs ignoring her. I could see she finally understood that I was determined to go back to Scotland and get married, but I also had the feeling she was not going to give up, so that was why I thought it best to keep out of her road. That way there would be no arguments. I knew I had hurt her feelings, but then I felt as though she’d hurt mine, and it was pay-back time. At last I had won the battle, and the ball was in my court at last. Or so I thought at the time but, it wasn’t long before things started to go pear shaped.

  It seemed to happen all within days of getting it all sorted out, and I was looking forward to going back to Scotland. Mother just left me to it with a warning that I was rushing into things and it would be better if I seriously thought about what I was doing. I suppose I was being cocky by just ignoring her every time she spoke. That was until I came home from work one night and as I walked into the living room, mum angrily shook a letter in front of my face.

  ‘I have just had a letter off your so called boyfriend’s mother, and she is accusing me of killing her grandchild, and if you lose that baby she will go to the police. I can’t believe you wrote her a letter telling her what I suggested. I was only trying to help you.’ She dropped on the armchair and broke her heart. I was flabbergasted and just stood there silent. For the first time in my life I was stuck for words. It was my dad who asked the question that mum could not get out.

  ‘Is that how you treat your mother, Jesus Christ lassie, she was only trying to help you. So what do you do, you write a poison letter that could put her in prison. Well you can please yourself what you do, as far as I’m concerned you can do whatever you want. But if you go back there and marry that bloody no-user, then you’re on your own. But just remember this, once you walk through that door with your case, you don’t walk back.’

  ‘Yes she can, John,’ mother sobbed ‘This is her home and that door is open for her anytime.’

  I ran upstairs shaking. I sat on that bed staring out the window. I was in turmoil. I couldn’t believe Billy’s mother would write a letter like that. I was more upset that he had showed her the letter in the first place, and that made me ask myself if I was really going to fit in living with his family. I kept going back to how I missed my family when living with Gran for a few months, who was also my family, but at least I went home every weekend, something I wouldn’t be able to do if I went back to live in Scotland. Would I really fit in? I managed to convince myself that I loved Billy and he loved me and that was all that mattered. When I came downstairs I ate my dinner that had been in the oven for two hours, it was hard but I ate it because I was hungry. I made myself a cup of tea and sat at the table. Wilma My was getting my niece ready for bed and mum was sitting in her usual armchair with her eyes on the telly but I knew she wasn’t even aware what was on it. Dad was in the lounge with his paperwork all over the coffee table. When I looked in he never even looked up. Everyone seemed to be silent so I went out the door and walked down to Winnie’s house.

  At work the following day it was the same, I spent the whole day in dreamland. Not even Stan with hi
s stupid wisecracks and daft talk he normally came out with trying to make me laugh wasn’t working in fact he was getting on my nerves, I could take no more and shouted in temper, ‘For God’s sake just get your stupid face out of my way will you, and grow up.’

  He left the shed with a bunch of wires over his shoulder. Later on in the tea hut at break time, one of the women asked me what I had done to Stan because he was quiet ever since he came back with the wires; which she reassured me they did not need because there was piles of wires up in the mill, and the only reason he comes for them was to spend some time with me because, she was sure he fancied me. I told her that was rubbish and that he was just a friend of my brother’s and that was all.

  That night I went down to the phone, and as it was my turn to phone him I rang the phone. A strange voice came on the line, and when I asked if there was anyone there by the name of Billy, the woman said there was only her there and she was waiting for a call of her daughter, so I apologised and hung up.

  When it was Billy’s night to phone me true enough he was dead on time. I got the impression there was something on his mind, because he was quieter than usual. I felt uncomfortable and asked him if he was really sure he wanted to get married because, if he didn’t then I would sooner know now, because I am moving away from all my family and I don’t want to be stranded down there with nowhere to go. He answered with four words ‘Of course I do.’ I asked him what his mother thought of all this, and that I was upset because my mother received her letter. I asked him why he showed her my letter in the first place and he answered that she had as much right to know as my mother did. Which I suppose was fair enough. I told him all about my arguments at home, and how I felt so alone dealing with all this on my own. I expected him telling me to get straight down there to Kincardine, but he never did. When I asked him when he thought I should, he just said, ‘It’s up to you.’ It wasn’t the words I wanted to hear, I wanted him to say, ‘As quick as you can.’ But he didn’t. His answers were more of a yes, no, or if you want, it just gave me the feeling that he wasn’t alone like he said he was. I told him I would have to go because some was waiting to use the phone. I lied. Usually he would say, ‘Well let them wait,’ but not that night. I walked home with a thousand questions running through my mind. I’m sure he had someone else with him; I got the feeling he was having second thoughts, and his mother was telling him to forget me, he didn’t want to get married but was frightened to tell me straight. That was just some of the questions running through my mind. I remember that night as I walked home I went to cross the road and the screeching of car brakes halted me in my tracks. I just froze to the spot as a car stopped two inches off me. The driver got out his car waved his hand at me shouting, he called me all the stupid bloody idiots and a lot more that was unfit to print. I just froze and a woman came onto the road and took me to the pavement and asked if I was all right.

  That night in bed, I lay awake, my mind unsettled with all that was happening in my life. What seemed like a fairy-tale the previous week had turned into a nightmare. I was unsure of my feelings for Billy, I knew deep down I loved him, but all of a sudden I got the feeling that his love had faded. I cursed the day that we moved down to England and wished I could wake up and find it was all a dream. The things my mum had said were ringing in my ear, I could hear them over and over again, and each time felt that she was telling the truth. I was beginning to get doubts about going back and living with his parents. Although I got on with his mother when I used to visit every weekend, and I liked her; the letter she wrote to mum made me think that maybe, just maybe she would try to take over more than mum did, and that to me was no way to start married life. If I was going back it would be to marry Billy, not his family. I was beginning to wish I wasn’t pregnant, because then it wouldn’t matter if he loved me or not there was more fish in the sea. Or so I kept telling myself, but my heart was telling me something different. It was my turn to phone Billy next, and I had made up my mind to get it sorted out one way or another. If he loved me I would be able to tell by the way he talked, and I would be strong and not let him think I was desperate and depended on him. If I got the impression that he did love me and was sure of marrying me, then I would make it a point to fix a date to go back. But on the other hand if I got one little impression that he was trying to back out or that he was just saying yes to please me then I would be strong and let him know that I didn’t want to either. What a mess!

  The women at work asked dad if I was all right because I had changed from a happy-go-lucky person into someone that was withdrawn. According to William dad told them that I was feeling homesick for Scotland and wanted to go back, but he didn’t tell them I was having a baby. My dad must have told mum how unhappy I was at work and how depressed I must be because I never seemed to speak to anyone anymore. I think they were worried in case I attempted what our Wilma tried when she was in the same situation, I’m sure it was mum who asked her to have words with me; now up until then, she didn’t interfere with what was going on but, she came to my bedroom to have a chat and asked me if I was sure in what I was doing because I didn’t have to get married if I didn’t want to. She said mum was worried in case I tried to do anything stupid and attempt to do what she did. Also mum told her to tell me she would be happy for me to keep the baby and she’d bring the baby up until I got married one day, assuring me that all the family would look after it and it wouldn’t want for nothing, if that’s what I wanted.

  I told her I didn’t know what to do, and that I was tired of people telling me what was best for me. I said I just wanted to sort it out myself, then if it didn’t turn out I’d only have myself to blame. I told her mum was pressurising me into something I don’t know nothing about if she would just leave me to work it out for myself then I would be happy, because it’s all the stress of everyone that is making my life a misery. My sister told me she understood what I was going through more than anyone else, because she had gone through the same, only she was on her own for nearly seven months before anyone knew, and she felt so alone and that was why she attempted what she did because she didn’t have the guts to tell anyone, not even her boyfriend in case he thought she was common. She said she felt sorry for me, and told me she was there for me if ever I wanted to talk, and reassured me that whatever I decided she was right behind me. It was then that the self-pity set in and for the first time since it all started the tears came running down my cheeks, and my sister just got a hold of me and cradled me in her arms. I think that was the first time I felt really close to my older sister, and for the first time in my life had a woman to woman relationship with her.

  As I walked to the phone when it was my turn to phone Billy, I prayed he would be there. I just needed to get things sorted out. I felt more settled in my mind and that I could quite easily cope with whatever was thrown at me. I was praying that the gut feelings I had the other night of him finding someone else was all in my mind. I still loved him and truly wanted to be his wife and have his baby, somewhere in my heart I thought that was what he wanted as well? And we would be happy ever after. But that was not to be; as I soon found out.

  Luckily there was no one in the phone box, so I entered and dialled the number dead on time. Straight away a woman’s voice said hello, my heart skipped a beat thinking it was someone that was in front of Billy waiting for a call. I said hello back and asked if there was a lad outside the phone box called Billy. ‘Is that you Nan’ the voice replied. I was shocked. I knew straight away it was my friend Mary. When I asked her what she was doing in the phone box, she told me she remembered I always phoned Billy on that night, and was hoping that I would. I knew then there was something going on. Mary was my best friend and we always shared secrets with one another. When I asked what was so important that she felt she had to speak to me urgently. She replied she had to warn me what a rat Billy was. What she told me it was not a shock; just proof that my gut feelings were right. Seemingly he had been going out with another girl for a coupl
e of weeks. I asked if she knew her, and she replied. ‘I won’t tell you her name but she has red hair.’ As soon as she told me that I knew straight away who it was. In the middle of talking she shouted, ‘Oh no, Billy’s just come around the corner and was heading for the phone box, and that wasn’t all, he had that girl linked to his arm. It wasn’t butterflies I felt in my stomach, it felt more like horses galloping around in it. I told her not to let on I was on the other end of the phone and just pretend you’re phoning someone else. We carried on talking, she was giving me all the information she knew, and I was telling her about my situation. All of a sudden her conversation changed.

  ‘Ok Auntie Jean I’ll tell mum, I’ll have to go now someone else is waiting for a call. Cheerio.’

  I could tell Billy had arrived at the phone box, and my heart was thumping in my chest. I was shaking with hurt and anger all at the same time, and the lump in my throat hurt to the extent that I didn’t think I could talk to him. I stood there in shock with the phone to my ear, and only for the screeching bleeps telling me the coin had run out, I gently laid the phone back on the hook. I felt like screaming; and only for the people passing by the phone box I probably would have.

  I was about to leave, and as I opened the door to get out, the phone rang. I froze and stood there unable to answer it. I was about to go when suddenly I picked up the phone and said hello on impulse.

  It was hurting to hear his voice. He told me he’d been waiting for ages because a woman was on the phone. He knew I’d be ringing every so often only to get the engaged tone, so as soon as she came out the phone he rang and was glad I was still there. The conversation was the same as last time, very formal, he asked how I was and that everyone was asking for me. He told me he couldn’t stay on the phone for long because he was going out on a fishing trawler with the fishermen that night and he had to get ready. His words were dry, certainly not the words of a man in love. I couldn’t find anything to say, I was hurting inside and just could not bring myself to listen to any more of his lies. He asked what the matter was, because I was very quiet. He asked me what was wrong. I don’t know where the words come from but, all of a sudden I shouted words I’d never used in all my life before. ‘Get lost you lying bastard.’ Then I slammed the phone down, and walked home in a trance.