Of Different Times

by Agnes Kirkwood

  The following week I was unsure of what I had done was right, maybe I was too hasty and said the wrong things. If only I said this? If only I said that? I was unsettled in my mind. I still fantasised that Billy would knock at our door and sweep me into his arms. But he never did. As the days went by I tried not to think about him and tried to get back to being an ordinary teenager. After a couple of weeks I convinced myself that I had done the right thing, and that he wasn’t worth any more worry. It was all left to me now, and I hoped I would be grown up enough to do what was right.

  My mother was pleased I had finished with Billy; she never came right out and told me that, but I could sense it. Even William came to me and put his arms around me and said he was glad I wasn’t going back to Scotland. That was about the time I was as close to my brother as I had ever been, usually we fought like cat and dog. He was as good as a friend, I think it was because we both had something in common with Winnie; she wasn’t just my friend she was his girlfriend, and I think he was really falling in love with her.

  We were both talking to Winnie at the gate one night when Stan rolled up with a mate of his in a very old car, and asked if we wanted to go out for a ride. Winnie and I had to laugh at the state of the car, although it was in good condition it was so old fashioned. Winnie and I jumped in the back with my brother and off we went. We sang all the way to Wigan and back. The next day at work when Stan came for wires he said my brother told him I was finished with Billy. I remembered one of the women in the mill telling me she thought Stan fancied me, and I got a feeling he was about to ask me out, so I quickly told him I was finished with boyfriends. He told me his mate wanted a date with me. I was shocked and told him definitely no. I told him I wasn’t interested in any dates with anyone so he could go back and tell his mate definitely no.

  I think that made his see I was serious because he never mentioned date again. After that he became a good friend of mine as well as my Williams. The three of us ate together at breaks, had a good laugh together. I felt like one of the boys, better still I was getting back to being myself

  I remember one time when the van driver who normally drove us home wasn’t due back from a delivery for another couple of hours. All the other workers went on overtime, but my brother and Stan wanted to get home because they had made plans to go somewhere that night. I didn’t want to wait either, so we arranged to cycle home together along the five mile shortcut through a dirt track road that led to the dual carriage at the bottom of our village. Luckily that morning Stan was late getting to the van, and we were about to leave without him when he was spotted in the distance pedalling like mad. Dad told the van driver to pick him up and shove his bike in the back of the van as time was getting on. So Stan had his bike that day, and William and I borrowed the old abandoned bike at the back of the Mill; one we played on many times before, but this day it really come in handy. When six o’clock came, off we went, Stan on his bike and William and I on the other, him pedalling with me perched on the bar with my coat folded as a seat.

  We laughed and sang all the way with a few stops because every so often my coat would come undone and I had to refold it. When we arrived at the dual carriageway, we got off our bikes and walked across the roads. As we got on the village road William said it would be better if I sat on the bar of Stan’s bike because it would be safer as there was no brakes on the one he had. I agreed so off we went. We were no more than half way through the village when the police stopped Stan and me. My jammy brother William just pedalled like mad past us with no lights, no back mudguard, and no brakes. The policeman gave us a warning of how dangerous it was to do what we did on a busy main road. He told us he’d expect that of kids, but not of someone our age. People were staring at us as they passed and I felt so embarrassed. The first thing that ran through my mind as he was writing out his fine to us was. That jammy brother of mine has got off with it again. Three days later Stan showed me the fine that had to be paid within so many days. I told him I wasn’t paying half the fine, because it wasn’t my bike, and poor Stan never argued. What a bossy madam I must have been then.

  Spring bank holiday was due so William and Stan decided to hire a car and go to Scotland for the long weekend. Winnie’s mother wouldn’t let her go with two lads to Scotland on her own, so my brother pleaded with me to go with them. I immediately said no and how could he even think about asking me knowing my circumstances? He begged me to go saying Winnie was down the road breaking her heart because she was so disappointed. I felt sorry for Winnie and I knew she was looking forward to going, but the answer was still no. I looked at my brother, as he came out with his usual soft soap tale about her never been anywhere before and was so looking forward to this little break and I was the one that was stopping her going.

  He’d done it again, I felt guilty so I waved my hand to stop him blabbing on.

  ‘Ok, Ok,’ I shouted, ’only if you promise me not to go anywhere near Kincardine. I’m only doing this for Winnie’s sake and nobody else’ I said with fire in my eyes.

  ‘Thanks sis,’ he said as he put his hand on his heart and promised.’ he gave me a quick hug then ran out the door to tell Winnie the good news.

  As the days got closer we looked forward to going. William, Winnie, Stan and me. Four pals together. Freedom away from parents, no one to tell us what to do, I was glad I was going.

  On the morning as we waited for Stan coming with the car, my darling brother dropped another bombshell. He told me that the car was too dear for him and Stan, and that he asked Stan’s mate to come as well, he could also drive so it would save Stan driving all the way there and back. I said that was ok, but then came the crunch; ‘The thing is…he thinks he’s dating you,’ he said. I could have punched him right in his smarmy face. Seemingly he had asked my brother for a date with me, and my brother being my brother said yes and invited him to come with us.

  I was raging mad, and was determined I wasn’t going. My brother was pleading with me, promising everything, but I still said no. I didn’t even like Stan’s mate I told him. Winnie came to the door with her case packed and raring to go. When she saw my face she knew something was wrong, I told her all about the double-crossing brother I had and that I wasn’t going. She pleaded also and whispered in my ear that we could have a great laugh, and who needs them anyway, as long as she and I had each other it didn’t really matter, because I could always finish with him when we came back. I changed my mind, and agreed as long as they know I had no intentions of going out with Stan’s mate, and that I was only there for the ride. It was left at that.

  The journey was a long one and when Stan’s mate Mick, was driving Stan sat in the passenger’s seat side-on leaning over the back of the seat towards us. Winnie sat in the middle of William and me. We all sang and laughed, then when we stopped to have something to eat Stan and Mick changed places. I didn’t really like Mick at all. In fact I couldn’t even pretend to like him. He seemed to take over the journey. He said we were calling at his sister’s house in Motherwell which was about halfway, and that we could stay overnight. That night all the men went for a pint at the pub, and Winnie and I stayed with his sister. She asked me how long I had been going out with her brother. Winnie looked at me wondering what I was going to say, but his sister had been so nice to us I couldn’t for the life of me be nasty to her. I told her we had only just met recently, and that we weren’t really girlfriend boyfriend yet. That seemed to satisfy her, because she never queried it further.

  The night was comfortable the men all slept in the lounge, on what, I don’t know, but whatever they slept on they never complained. Winnie and I shared the bed in the spare room, and we chatted and giggled nearly all night. I was so glad the next morning I didn’t get any morning sickness.

  It was great going around where we used to live. We showed them our old house, and all the places we used to go and play as kids. The Blocks, the houses where we were born, were flattened to the ground before we left, but the School was still standin
g.

  We showed them all around the well-known historic places in Stirling, The Robert Bruce Museum in Bannockburn, Stirling Castle, the famous Stirling Bridge, and the Wallace Monument. We all really enjoyed our sightseeing around Stirling, it was very interesting. It’s funny because when we lived there I took it all for granted. We met a few of our friends and introduced them to Stan, Winnie and Mick. We visited a lot of my aunts and uncles who was pleased to see us. Obviously we couldn’t possibly go around them all, there were too many. We stayed at Auntie Barbara’s and when the lads all went out for a drink with my cousin William, we had a great laugh with his girlfriend Iris; who looked like Dusty Springfield with her hair highly back-combed.

  We played all the rock and roll records, and had a good jive. My auntie kept telling us off for playing the music too loud in case the neighbours complained, but it went on deaf ears. Iris was a great laugh, and she had us in stitches that night just telling us of the things that happened to her. Even Auntie Barbara enjoyed the night; she told us stories about when my mother and she were in service together.

  The next day we headed home again. The journey was the same; we sang, laughed and slept. I used to sleep when it was Stan’s turn to drive, because I didn’t really know Mick, and I didn’t want him to get the impression that I was his girlfriend, because that was something that never left my mind all the way there and all the way back. I knew Stan, I worked with him every day, and when Mick drove it was different I didn’t need to pretend or beware in case I gave the wrong impression; I could be myself. My brother was a great laugh, always telling funny lies and jokes, but even he knew why the atmosphere changed whenever Stan took the wheel. We couldn’t stop as many times as we did going because the car had to be back at the garage for a certain time, or else they would charge another days hire money. Stan and Mick dropped us off then left to take the car back.

  When we walked in the house mum was pleased to see us, she made us something to eat at the same time as asking what we’d done, who we’d seen and so on. I think she was relieved to know that I hadn’t bumped into Billy. I think she worried that maybe I would meet him and stay there, and was so glad to the extent that she was more content knowing it was finally over between us.

  As the weeks went by my pregnancy really brought it home to me that I was at the point of no return. My breast became tender and when I looked at myself in the mirror; although it wasn’t noticeable, I could feel my belly swelling. I was beginning to wonder what was going to happen to me. Reality was setting in, after all by then I was three months gone and started to get paranoid. I thought everyone was looking at me, so I breathed in when talking to them. Even my clothes felt tighter; soon I’d need to wear the corset my sister gave me.

  I worried what people would think of me when they found out I was having a baby. I imagined all the gossip; I’d heard it enough times about girls in my situation in the factories. They’d probably think I was a prostitute in Scotland, or a loose woman who had sex with every man I met. That really hurt me and it wouldn’t really be fair, because I knew I wasn’t like that, but no matter what I’d said, the proof would soon be staring at them. I really missed Scotland and all my relations and friends I had there. I felt so alone at times.

  I felt bitter towards Billy, the thought of him hundreds of miles away getting on with his life with not a care in the world, and here I was with all the worry, shame, and God knows what kind of pain lay ahead for me. The fact that I was left with all the consequences of what had happened; made me loathe him, in fact I began to hate him with a vengeance.

  My brother, Winnie and Stan, were the only friends that I could honestly say I was close to. Many times when Stan came for wires, I was tempted to tell him, but he might have got the wrong impression and turned against me, so I always took cold feet. I just couldn’t risk having to work all day in that lonely work shed on my own with no one to talk to. He was a good friend of mine as well as my brother, and we all had a lot in common as far as music and having a laugh at break times. Every week he’d bring in the New Music Express paper for me, and I looked forward to getting it. It was his brother’s paper, and when it disappeared he blamed his mother for using it to make the fire with in the mornings. Stan was a real pal and I liked him. Of all the people, I think he was the one person I was most frightened of telling. Winnie knew and was even more of a friend because of telling her, but I dreaded to think what Stan would think of me.

  I began to think and wonder if I would be capable of bringing up a baby. I would need to go out to work to keep it, and when I did who would look after it. My mother already looked after my little niece to let my sister work, who had a new job down at the bottom of the village in a timber factory, so I couldn’t possibly expect my mother to take the burden. The more I looked around at our family the more I knew we were overcrowded as it was, we had only lived here for three months and renovation work was still going on all around our life at the moment, and a baby would make matters worse.

  I now know why my sister did what she did, because at times I came near to it myself. I thought about it many times but, me being the coward I was, managed to convince myself I couldn’t put my mother through all that again, stopped me. I would sit at night and look around in a world of my own.

  I tried to imagine me with a baby and for the love of me I could not visualise it. All I wanted was to get it all over with and get back to normal. I estimated I’d be eighteen when the baby was born and all I wanted was to be an ordinary teenager doing things eighteen-year-olds do. I visualised going out to dances and one day getting married to someone that really loved me, and living happy ever after. A dream that most girls my age dreams of. My mind was full of all kinds of ways to solve my problem. If I kept the baby, where would we go? It was all right for Mum to tell me she’d make room, but there was barely enough room now. When I looked around things were crowded enough without me bringing a baby home.

  There were only three bedrooms in the house. My sister Wilma and her husband George, along with my niece Elma lived in one, my two brothers William and Jimmy in another, and in my room two double beds; one for my parents and one for my younger sister Catherine and I. Even though mum said my sister and her husband would soon find a house of their own, I still felt unsure because one day they would all have a house of their own and I would have to live with my parents probably for the rest of my life.

  I imagined what it must be like for a child having to grow up with no father, and have all the other children pointing a finger at them. I had heard plenty of women in the factories gossiping about unmarried girls who have had babies, and the scandal it brings them. Oh people never said anything to their face, but as soon as their backs were turned their names were mud. How on earth could I let a child grow up in that environment? I couldn’t give the child what it needs, I was just a teenager and knew nothing about having to raise a child. I got it into my head that I couldn’t possibly keep the baby. Deep down I didn’t want to keep Billy’s baby, to remind me of him every time I looked at it. All I wanted to do was get over him and forget he ever existed in my life. I was beginning to wish I had taken mum’s advice.

  I convinced myself the baby would be better off with two loving parents. I was sure there were many married couples out there who have tried for years to have a baby without success, and they relied on adoption as their only hope. I finally made up my mind that I was doing the best thing by getting it adopted. At least they could give it everything that I couldn’t. I felt better knowing what I was finally going to do, and it was all for the best.

  When I told my mother that I intended to get the baby adopted, she was horrified. She told me I was doing the wrong thing and that I would regret it for the rest of my life. My sister pleaded with me as well, and said she would have it and bring it up as hers, I told her that was no good because people would still know the baby was mine and it would be best if it went to a couple who would cherish and bring it up as their own. She tried to plead with me,
saying she felt the same when she was carrying my niece, but when she was born she loved it more that life itself. I knew they meant well, and everything they were telling me was for my good, but I had to think what I felt was the best thing for the baby as well as me.

  I just wanted to live my life like every other seventeen-year-old, instead of just hanging about the park with my brother William, Winnie and Stan. Don’t get me wrong I liked Stan, but only as a workmate, and friend, and going out with them was my only way of getting out of the house at night.

  One day my sister took me aside and asked if Stan was my boyfriend. I made it clear that he was just a friend of William and me. She was sure he thought of me in a different way, and that he thinks I feel the same about him. I told her of course I liked him but, not in the way she thinks. We spend all day working in the same place so what was the difference? It wasn’t as if we kissed or anything we were not a pair, just pals. I explained the only reason I did was because I didn’t know anyone else here, and if I didn’t go out with them, I wouldn’t get out at all. I told her I only knew Winnie and if she was going out with William then there was no harm in having a foursome with my brother and two friends.