Ballad (Rockstar #5)

by Anne Mercier

  When they all walk inside, I’m left standing with Lucian, Jace, and Justin.

  “Well,” Jace begins, “that was… yeah.”

  I clear my throat.

  “On that note, I’m going back to the bus,” Jace adds.

  I nod and smile at him when he rubs a hand over my back. When Jace is gone, Lucian and Justin start laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask.

  “Ben is so fucked. So completely and totally fucking gone over you,” Lucian tells me between chuckles.

  “He can’t stand the thought of anyone touching you and you should have seen the look on his face when Xander hugged you—and that was as innocent as it gets!” Justin laughs. “He’s either going to have an aneurysm or he’s going to give in really soon because, Nikki, there is no way he can go on like this for much longer. It’s eating him up inside.”

  I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.

  “Whatever it is, I hope it’s worth the ulcer he’s working on and the heartache it’s causing. If it’s worth that, then you’re better off without him, as hard as that’s going to be for you,” Lucian tells me.

  I nod in agreement. “One day he’ll tell me. Until then…”

  Lucian kisses my cheek. “You’ve got me.”

  “Us,” Justin corrects.

  I smile. “Yeah, I do, don’t I?” I reply. But it’s not the same. They know it and I know it.

  The ground spins below me and I break out in a cold sweat.

  “Shit. Shit, shit, shit,” I whisper, knowing I’m going to pass out any second.

  Damn him. Ben Kingston needs to get his shit together and he needs to do it before I run out of time.

  I WATCHED THE color drain from her face, the sweat beads form on her brow and upper lip, and I knew she was going down.

  Nicole spins around way too fast, and I reach out for her, grabbing her before she eats the pavement. When I note she didn’t just do a little dizzy faint but a full on pass out, I scoop her up in my arms and head to the doc’s trailer.

  “Fuck,” I curse aloud. Justin grunts beside me. “You better go get Lucy, Sera, and the boss man. Lucy’s on the BFD bus and I’m sure Sera’s with her.”

  “On it,” he says and heads in the opposite direction I am.

  I glance over and note he’s kicked up the jog I’m at to a run. Good. She needs them. Christ. Did I push her too far last night? Did we push her too far today with the boards and sound check?

  When I get near the bus, the door opens and Dr. Donovan holds it while I step inside.

  “What happened?” he asks.

  “She passed out. We were all standing around talking,” I begin, then lay her down on the bed in the back. Christ, this is like a mini-hospital.

  “You were all talking,” he prompts as he opens each of Nicole’s eyes and shines a light in them.

  “The color slowly seeped out of her face and when she turned, she turned way too fast and she was down for the count.”

  He lets out a sigh.

  “If it makes any difference, she cursed a blue streak of ‘shits’ before she went down,” I tell him.

  He nods. “That’s our girl.” He’s listening to her heart and lungs. He takes her blood pressure and shakes his head.

  “Bad news?” I ask.

  He lifts only his eyes to mine. That look right there speaks volumes.

  The door swings open, slamming against the side of the bus, and a very pregnant Lucy attempts to board the bus—but fails.

  “Justin!” she bellows, and he looks her up and down.

  “You need a lift?” he asks.

  “Please,” she replies.

  He reaches for her, scooping her up into his arms much the way I did Nicole.

  “Take it easy, half-pint,” Justin tells her and she cuts him a glare.

  “What happened?” she asks.

  “She passed out. I told you that,” Justin tells her.

  She glares at him again. “I know that. But why?”

  Dr. Donovan looks up. “I don’t have the answers to that and, Jesse, you might want to turn around because I’m going to draw some blood.”

  Jesse’s face pales as he takes a final step onto the bus.

  Another slam of the bus door and Sera comes flying in. That’s the way it looks… literally. I swear I don’t see her feet touch the ground or the steps.

  “What the hell happened?” she asks, frantic.

  Behind Sera comes Cage, at a less panicked rate, but the worry is etched deep into his features.

  “She passed out, Sera,” Lucy tells her sister and they stare at each other, doing that whole silent communication thing I’ve never understood. Then they both begin to fret.

  “Is she all right?” Sera asks.

  The doc shakes his head as he draws yet another vial of blood—that makes five. “I’m not sure yet. I don’t know how long she’s been feeling unwell. She comes to see me three times a day for her medications and she’s, obviously, been lying to me.”

  “Maybe it just came on,” Justin tries. “I mean, we were talking about relationships, sex, and then Ben came—it could have been stress.”

  Jesse snorts. “Talking to her about sex and relationships might make her blush, but not faint. Now Ben? That’s an entirely different story.”

  I nod.

  “I’m going to run these tests. We should know something within the hour,” the doc relays.

  “You can do all that shit here?” Justin asks.

  “Yep. We’ve got a pretty sweet setup here.”

  Justin eyes Cage. “Deep pockets.”

  Cage meets his stare. “It’s not just for Coley. There are other members of the crew who have illnesses and, while not as severe, they also require regular testing. Why should we go out of our way to do that when we can do it right here? Factor in the time lost, expenses of having testing done at a facility, and cost of staff, it all equals out in the end.”

  “Damn, you’re so hot when you talk money, baby,” Sera tells him and he smirks.

  “I’ll go over stocks and bonds with you later, Fee.”

  “I’m not sure about stocks, but bonds? I think I’m up for some bonds,” she answers with a wiggle of her eyebrows. Cage’s nostrils flare and his eyes darken.

  “Dude, I feel like we’re intruding on foreplay right now,” I say out loud.

  “Right?” Lucy agrees. “But it’s sexy as hell watching them.”

  Nicole moans, drawing everyone’s attention. She slowly opens her eyes, blinking.

  “Are you all right, baby?” I ask, sitting on the edge of her bed and taking her free hand, Lucy’s holding the other.

  She sighs. “I’m fine.”

  “You don’t look ‘fine’ to me,” Lucy chastises.

  “Uh-oh. Mama Bear’s upset,” Justin says and Nicole winces.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on or do I have to wait until Dr. Sexy gets back with your lab results?” Sera asks.

  “I really am fine. I just got dizzy.”

  “And passed out,” Dr. Donovan answers. “That’s not in the definition of ‘fine’.”

  Nicole doesn’t say anything, only looks down to where my thumb is caressing the top of her hand.

  “How long?” the doc asks.

  “A little more than a week,” she admits quietly.

  He nods. “You know better, Nicole. Even one day—”

  “Can make a difference. Yeah, I know,” she says flatly.

  “So, why then?” Sera asks.

  “It’s just a little dizziness,” Nicole whines. Yep, pretty girl whined.

  “Which is likely dehydration for which you are about to get a lovely banana bag,” the doc tells her. I look at Justin and the side of his mouth twitches.

  “God, I’m really glad Xander isn’t here,” Nicole says.

  “Did someone call my name?” Xander asks, his head popping into the bus. “Did I hear banana bag?” We all groan. “I’ve heard of banana hammocks, but ne
ver a banana bag.”

  The doc chuckles. “A banana bag is an IV bag of potassium chloride that helps with dehydration.”

  “Which Coley is getting right now because she didn’t tell anyone she was feeling sick,” Lucy chides.

  Xander’s eyes go wide and his mouth forms an “O”. Just clasps a hand on his shoulder and leans in. “Mama Bear’s in an uproar.”

  “Ha!” Xander laughs. “Uproar. Nice, man. Nice!”

  Justin takes a bow.

  “Oh Christ. There are two of them,” Cage mutters. “When did Justin turn into a Xander?”

  “About the time he stopped shooting up heroin,” Justin informs the room.

  “That’d do it,” Xander says with a nod. “Good on ya man. You don’t need that shit.”

  “Nope. I like the world to be a fun place. Heroin gave me that. Now I make my own fun,” Justin says flatly.

  “So, Cage dude, it’s either another Xan the Man or heroin. I think another me is pretty fucking awesome,” Xander says with a strut.

  Cage smirks. “Xander over heroin. I’ll take it.”

  “I knew it! I fucking knew it! You totally love me, dude,” Xander shouts, putting his arm around Cage.

  “He likes you enough, Xan, but I think it’s only fair to warn you he’s got a gun in the waistband of his jeans,” Sera teases.

  “Shit,” Xander says, gently patting Cage’s shoulder. “Dude. Sorry man.”

  Cage looks at Sera and lifts a brow. She blows him a kiss.

  “Back to Nicole,” Lucy says sternly.

  “I’ll let you know in a few minutes. Her tests are nearly done,” the doc tells us.

  “Good. And, Nicole?” Lucy asks.

  “Hmm?”

  “This is total bullshit. You know this, right?” Lucy scolds.

  “But—”

  “You know it is.”

  Nicole sighs. “Yeah. I just don’t want to be sick.”

  “I don’t want you to be sick-er,” Lucy tells her. “You can’t do this, Coley.”

  When Lucy wipes a tear, Nicole’s done for. Watching two strong women break isn’t something I ever want to witness again.

  When they come apart, Nicole wipes the tears from her cheeks. “Sheesh. You’d think I was dying or something,” she jokes. No one laughs. “Tough crowd.”

  “Not at all funny,” Xander announces.

  “You said I could joke all I wanted to,” Nicole replies.

  He nods. “I did, but I didn’t think you’d do it when we were waiting for test results to determine whether or not you’re sick again.”

  “I don’t need test results for that,” she says. I look at her questioningly. “I know I am,” she admits.

  I nod, fighting the thousand-pound weight that just hit my chest. Anger, fear, guilt, panic, and love all war for their place at the top of my emotions. Right now love has to win out. Nicole needs that—and support—more than anything right now. The rest can wait until I’m alone with a case of beer and a country song.

  Dr. Donovan walks up expressionless, looking at the numbers on the paper that determine how sick or healthy this beautiful young woman is. Where the fuck does cancer come from? Was it always here, from the dawn of time, I mean? If not, then how the fuck did it get here? And why can’t we get rid of it? With all the money invested in finding a cure for this shit, you’d think there’d be one by now. But there’s not, and Nicole’s living proof of that. Fuck.

  “So,” she begins, “how bad is it?”

  The doc looks at her, holding her gaze, which makes him one hell of a doctor—and man—in my opinion.

  “It’s not good.”

  “WHAT YA UP to, man?” Lucian asks from behind me. Christ. Him of all people.

  “Just what it looks like. I’m standing here trying to hold up the wall.”

  “And eyeing up our Blush Baby like she’s a piece of candy and you’re a diabetic who needs a sugar fix,” he adds.

  I shrug. “Maybe.” There’s no maybe about it. I’m eyeing her up like a man who’s been trapped in a dark cave for years and she’s the sunlight. She’s it for me. I’m so fucked. But this bastard doesn’t need to know that.

  “What are you doing?” Lucian questions.

  “Didn’t you just ask me that?” I say, turning to meet his stare.

  “Nope. Totally different question, totally different meaning.”

  “Huh?” What’d he ask?

  “So?”

  I give Lucian a glare and he grins. That fucker.

  “So?” he prompts.

  “Fuck you, Lucian.” I run a hand through my hair. God damn it. “I don’t fucking know, man.”

  “You like her.” It’s not a question. Why would it be? It’s more than obvious.

  “It’s a whole hell of a lot more than that,” I admit, looking around to make sure no one can overhear.

  “What’s your deal? What are you waiting for?” he asks, his exasperation clear.

  “What?” I ask, a little surprised. I thought… I narrow my eyes.

  “Don’t act so surprised, dick. You know she’d choose you in a crowded room of princes. You’re her one,” he tells me, sneer in place.

  “Maybe, but—”

  “Maybe, hell. There’s no maybe about it, man, and what ‘but’? There shouldn’t be any reason why you aren’t with her. You feel the same as she does. What the fuck is your problem?” he asks, fisting my collar and pushing me back against the wall.

  “What the fuck?” I ask, trying to give him a shove but the fucker isn’t moving. Last tour we had with him I could’ve shoved him easily. Heroin was his drug of choice then. Now, by the looks of him, it’s weightlifting that takes the edge off.

  “Why don’t you just kiss the hell out of her and make her your girl already?” he asks, letting up on his grip—but only a little.

  “She’s too young, Lucian. I’ve done more than my fair share of living. How fair of me would it be for me to tie her down at eighteen?” I confess.

  Lucian laughs and shakes his head. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “No, it’s not—”

  “You’re so fucking stupid.”

  “Fuck off.”

  His hold tightens and he slams me back into the wall. “No, you fuck off and you listen. Listen to me right now, Ben. I’m not a nice guy, not when it comes to something I want, but I’m going to be a nice guy for the next few minutes. Would you just stop and think about your reasoning for a second? You’ve done your share of living, but she’s too young and she’s got so much life to live? That’s your reasoning?”

  I don’t say anything.

  “Fucking idiot. She’s got cancer man. No one knows just how much life she’s got to live. She passed out today,” he tells me and my heart sinks.

  “What?” No. No. I wasn’t there.

  “She passed out and the doc ran some tests.”

  “She’s supposed to be in remission,” I plead, panic filling my every pore, my body starting to shake.

  “Remissions aren’t guaranteed, Ben. You know this. I know you read up on this shit, it’s who you are. You love someone, you know everything there is to know. She’s not in remission anymore, Ben. She’s sick,” he tells me.

  I slump against the wall, all fight leaving my body. “How sick?”

  “Does it matter?” he asks.

  I shake my head. No. No, it doesn’t matter. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

  “Because you’ve been avoiding Nicole and everyone else has been surrounding her. She’s sick, Ben. Do you understand what that could mean?” he asks, his tone soft. I look up at him and see the hurt. He’s hurting. For her. My girl. He was there for her. My girl.

  I swallow hard. “I know what it means.” I stand up straight and he lets go of my shirt. I look out at the stage and for the first time I really look at my girl. She’s sitting. She never sits on stage. She’s pale. And she’s sad—so fucking sad. Her eyes…

  “Do you—” Lucian begins but I’m al
ready walking. I’m striding across the stage past Meggie who raises her brows. Past Jace and Trace. Behind Luce, who has turned around, along with Sera, to watch me. They don’t miss a beat—or a word—just keep right on going with their sound check.

  When I get to Nicole she’s looking down. I know the second she sees my boots and realizes it’s me—she stiffens and takes a deep breath. I did that to her. I made her wary of me. I’m such an asshole.

  When she looks up at me, I drop to my knees in front of her. I wrap my arms around her waist and bury my head in her lap, holding her tight. I don’t ever want to let go.

  I don’t know how long I hold her before she slowly, cautiously, puts her hands on my back and I shiver. For so long I’ve wanted her hands on me—innocent, sexual, I don’t care. I just wanted her touch. And now I’ve got it.

  I look up into her tear-filled eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her.

  She sniffles.

  “I made up excuses because I was afraid.”

  “Of what?” she whispers, and now’s when I realize they’ve stopped playing.

  “You. I knew if I had you, I’d never let you go. But, sunshine, you’re so young. I thought you’d be with me, get tired, and then go off wanting to live the rest of your life.” She opens her mouth and I put my index finger over it. She huffs and I smirk. She’s so damn cute. “But I’m done wasting time. I’m done being a fucking idiot.” She nods at this and my smirk grows. “Nicole, swear to Christ, you’re the most exasperating woman I’ve ever met.” She glares now. “But you’re also the sweetest, sexiest, most beautiful… you’re it for me. You walked on that bus and I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks filled with all those red hearts you women daydream about—only these filled my belly and my heart.”

  “No, sunshine, no waterworks,” I tell her when her tears begin to fall. “I know you’re with Lucian—sorta—so I’ll understand if you need some time to work things out, but I hope you’ll give me the chance I’ve been wasting since the day we met. I hope you’ll let me love you how you deserve to be loved,” I whisper against her lips.

  No pause. Not even a second before she launches herself at me, her arms thrown around my neck, her legs around my waist. I sit back on my heels and hold her to me, burying my face in her neck.