Scorn of Secrets

by B Truly

  I arch my eyebrow. This is an abortion clinic. I don’t think the tech is supposed to be telling me this. I take it as a sign. I know what I have to do.

  Starting Over

  36

  Baton Rouge

  My heart pounds as I call my grandma. She answers on the fourth ring.

  “Hi, dear.”

  “Gigi,” I exhale.

  “Madison, what’s wrong?”

  My grams knows me well. From my tone of voice, she senses something is wrong. “I’m pregnant and Mama’s forcing me to have an abortion!” I blurt out quickly, fighting a sob.

  “Oh, Madison.” She pauses for a moment. “Why don’t you come here? I can book you a flight for the morning, and then we can get this sorted out.”

  I close my eyes, blowing out my breath. “Thank you, Gigi.”

  “Let me check online for a flight, then I’ll call you back.”

  I start packing, ready to leave as soon as possible. I’ve always been close to my grandma. She’s the person who taught me morals and values. We never strayed far from her when I lived in Louisiana, and she’s always been there for me. She’ll know what to do.

  Gigi calls me about an hour later. She booked a flight for 10 am tomorrow morning at Hobby airport. That’s not the airport we’d flown to Houston in. I’ll make sure I’m early so I have enough time to check in.

  “What about my mom?” I bite my bottom lip.

  “Don’t worry about her. I’ll tell her in the morning. The flight is non-refundable—you’re coming. I’m going to email your flight information.”

  “Okay, I’ll take an Uber there.”

  “Ask your mother or Tanya to bring you.”

  “Tanya and I aren’t even on speaking terms. Mama normally has clients on Saturday. She’ll probably refuse to take me or make me late and I’ll miss the flight just because I called you. Please, Gigi. I’ll be okay taking an Uber.”

  She sighs. “Call me when you get to the airport.”

  “I will, and can you please wait until I arrive at the airport before you let my mom know?”

  “Of course, dear.”

  I sleep restlessly that night, anxious about fleeing. I booked an Uber before bed. I only bring my purse, a backpack, and a suitcase with me. Justin’s diamond heart pendant still hangs around my neck. I haven’t been able to part ways with the necklace. The amethyst earrings his wicked twin gave me are sitting in the box on my dresser. Sweet relief washes through me that I’m able to leave them behind. Good riddance to the earrings crosses my mind as I sneak out the house unseen.

  I make it to the airport with plenty of time to spare, and check-in is painless. I text Gigi to let her know I’ve arrived, and my flight is scheduled to leave on time. I pass out on the flight and before I know it, I’m in Baton Rouge.

  * * *

  Gigi is waiting for me in the Louisiana airport terminal when I arrive. I hug her tightly.

  “How was your flight?”

  “It was fine. I slept most of the way. Thanks so much for flying me here on such short notice.”

  We wait for my luggage, and then head to the car. Checking my phone, I see I have two missed calls from Mama, and a not-so-friendly text message.

  Why the hell did you fly to Grams? Call me, it reads.

  “What did my mom say? She’s called me twice.”

  Gigi blows out her breath. “I spoke with her shortly before you arrived.”

  “From her text message, I take it she’s upset?”

  “She’ll get over it.”

  Gigi doesn’t badger me with questions. Knowing Mama, I’m sure she gave Gigi an earful about my irresponsible pregnancy. My grams is a fair woman. She will wait for me to explain, which I’m working up to. On the ride to her house, we make small talk about how my junior year has been going.

  My grandpa died a couple of years ago. Gigi is retired and lives alone in the four-bedroom home they’d bought when they were married. The spacious one-story home has been renovated, after getting flooded during Katrina. Everything is new, from the floor to the sheet rock. The result is a gorgeous, updated home.

  I unpack my things in one of the guest bedrooms while Gigi fixes us lunch. Gigi puts sandwiches on trays, so we can sit more comfortably in the family room. I bite into my yummy ham and cheese sandwich. Gigi makes the best sandwiches. Gigi eats, chatting about her new garden hobby. She’s planted tomatoes, bell peppers, greens, and cabbage. I tell her she’ll have to take me out back to see it.

  Bless my grandma’s soul. She’s pretending everything is okay, throwing the ball in my court. I called her yesterday in a panic about getting knocked up, so she knows my life is not fine.

  I was hungry a minute ago. Now my stomach is in knots. I need to confess to Gigi. She flew me here with no questions asked. Keeping my secret feels like a heavy burden crushing into my chest. The sooner I tell her—the sooner she can advise me on what to do. There’s no easy way to explain, so I just get on with it.

  “Please don’t judge me,” I begin.

  “I won’t, dear.”

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I start. “Regan’s son, Justin and I kind of had a crush on each other.” That’s putting it mildly.

  This news surprises her. Gigi arches her eyebrows. “Oh....”

  “We tried to fight our feelings for each other, aware of our parents dating.” I shrug. “We just couldn’t help it. We started messing around, kissing and touching....” Heat rushes to my cheeks. Gigi’s face is impassive. She is listening to me intently and I don’t think she’s passing judgment. Discussing me getting my groove on with my grandma is a topic bound to make me blush. She waits patiently for me to continue. “Late on the night after Christmas, he came into my bedroom. Things between us had been getting intense. He wanted ... to go to home base. I was hesitant because he had been drinking and said he’d done Ecstasy.” I can’t stare Gigi in the eye as I confess. My guess is that she has a disapproving expression on her face. “In the end, I gave myself to him.”

  “So, Justin got you pregnant?” asks Gigi.

  I stare at my hands that I’ve placed in my lap. My half-eaten tray is pushed aside.

  “It’s okay, Madison. Tell me everything. It is the only way I can help you.”

  “No … it wasn’t Justin. It was his twin brother, Jackson.” I risk a quick glance at Gigi.

  Her brow knits. “Huh? I ... don’t understand.”

  Sighing, I explain. “Jackson tricked me into thinking he was Justin. He called me Madi, the nickname he knows only Justin calls me. When I said, ‘Justin, wait,’ he didn’t correct me, either. My room was dark. They’re identical in every way—same height and weight. The only way to tell them apart is that Justin has a dimple on his left cheek.”

  “Did you have something going on with Jackson, too?”

  “No, we didn’t. We got along fine. He flirted with me a couple of times, but I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. Jackson intimidated me, so I tried not to be alone with him.”

  Gigi is silent, letting what I’ve said sink in. After a moment, she sucks in a deep breath. “Are you telling me that Jackson pretended to be his twin brother to manipulate you into having sex?”

  I nod. “Afterward, I was confused. He … was very rough with me and when I asked him to stop, he wouldn’t. I tried telling myself it was okay because I cared deeply for Justin and he wouldn’t hurt me intentionally—not knowing it wasn’t really him.”

  “Oh, Madison,” Gigi gasps. “What ... happened?”

  “When I realized it was Jackson I got upset. I asked him what kind of person would pretend to be their twin to get a girl in bed. Jackson grew angry when he saw how mad I was. He cornered me and....”

  Gigi places her hand over her mouth. “Madison, I’m so sorry. What occurred next?”

  “He wrapped his hand around my neck and threatened there would be consequences if I told anyone.”

  “Oh, my Lord!” Gigi’s eyes tear up. “That little asshole i
s lucky he’s not in the same city as me or I’d have his balls on a platter.”

  “Do … you believe me?”

  Gigi’s nose wrinkles. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I, dear?”

  “Tanya didn’t. I reached out to her because it was eating away at me. She … basically accused me of being a whore.”

  Gigi’s jaw drops. “What?”

  “Jackson had gotten to her first. The two of them are close. He told her I was fooling around with both of them and she believed him over me.” Gigi’s mouth forms into a tight line. It’s a relief she is on my side.

  “Did Jackson ever assault you again?”

  “I’d been able to avoid him until the night of my birthday. He approached me, cornering me in the bathroom. His tactic was giving me earrings for a gift.”

  Creases form on Gigi’s forehead. “He bought you a present?”

  “Whatever fantasyland Jackson lives in, he somehow thought I’d give him a chance. After that night, I couldn’t even bear to look Justin in the face. I’d told Justin we needed to keep it platonic between us. Jackson thought since I wasn’t messing with his brother, I could fool around with him.” Gigi narrows her eyes. “Playing nice, I thanked him for the earrings, but I insisted I didn’t have feelings for him. Besides, our parents had just gotten engaged. My strategy didn’t work. Jackson wouldn’t let me leave.”

  “Did he hurt you?”

  “He ... felt me up—made me kiss him. I ... managed to get away before anything else happened.”

  Gigi blows out her breath. “This boy seems very disturbed. You’re pregnant … for that psycho?”

  My lips tremble. “My cycles are very irregular. With everything going on I didn’t realize I hadn’t had a period until the middle of April. Tanya caught me doing a pregnancy test and immediately told Mama. Tanya hadn’t believed me. I wasn’t sure if Mama would either, so when she confronted me about it, I lied. I told her the father was a boy from Elsik.” I exhale loudly. “I know it looks suspicious I’d told her that, and now I’m saying it’s Jackson’s. But … I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “You were scared. Don’t blame yourself. I believe every word you’re saying.”

  “I hadn’t thought about what my future held with a baby in the picture. It wasn’t until Mama took me to the abortion clinic, giving me no choice, that I realized I want to keep her.”

  “Her? It’s a girl?”

  “That’s what the ultrasound tech told me. I’m four months along. I understand I recently turned seventeen. I haven’t even finished my junior year and it will be difficult having a child with the odds stacked against me. I just can’t kill her,” I sigh. “It’s not her fault how she came about. She’s still a part of me. When I saw her flipping around on the screen, I knew I couldn’t go through with it. Please, Gigi. What can I do?”

  “Under the circumstances, if you didn’t want to keep the baby, I would support you. But I will stand by your side if you want to keep her. She’s a part of me, too.”

  “The tech told me my mom can’t force me, but I live under her roof. Mama’s made it clear, keeping the baby is not up for debate.”

  “Well, you won’t stay under her roof anymore. You and the baby will live here with me. I don’t want you going back there with that demented twin anyway.”

  “What about school?”

  “They have alternative schools for girls who are pregnant. I’ll look into it and get you registered as soon as possible.”

  I’m so grateful for my grandma. Showing my gratitude, I throw my arms around her, and she embraces me tightly.

  “I’m going to call and have a word with your mother.”

  I feel my eyes grow large. “You’re not going to tell her about Jackson, are you?”

  “I plan to. She’s marrying the boy’s dad and she needs to know the truth.”

  “Gigi, please. I ... I’d rather just leave things be.”

  Her eyes dilate. “They need to know what he did to you.”

  I swallow hard. “Can we please keep what occurred between us, at least for now? I’ve barely accepted the fact I’m pregnant.”

  Gigi sighs. “I won’t say anything for the time being. Just promise me you will think about coming forward.”

  My eyes feel like they’re going to pop from the sockets. “What do you mean?”

  “Reporting his harassment against you. He doesn’t deserve to roam around Scott free after what he’s put you through.”

  The thought of reporting Jackson terrifies me. The truth—my darkest secret—is that I gave him permission. “Gigi, I … told him it was okay.”

  She shakes her head. “He’s a manipulative bastard. He coerced you into believing something that wasn’t true. Afterward, when the situation didn’t go his way, he assaulted you.” Gigi notices the look on my face and amends. “But don’t worry, we’ll take it one step at a time. It’s a lot to take in. Let’s focus on your pregnancy and finishing your junior year.”

  The wind gushes out of me. It means a lot that Gigi wants to crucify Jackson. At the same time, I can breathe easier knowing she’s going to leave it alone for now. I’m not sure if I can face coming forward. If my own sister didn’t believe me, would a stranger?

  One step at a time sounds like the best plan for me. I will hold on to the key that keeps my darkest secret locked away.

  37

  Confessions

  Tears drip down Dariel’s face as I repeat the same story, I’d told Gigi. I can trust Dari with my secret. She’s my best friend. She knew something was up when I called her later on Saturday, informing her I’m moving back to Baton Rouge.

  Dari came over the next day. At first, she had the same response as Gigi. She wondered if I’d been fooling around with Jackson, finally coming to the conclusion that Jackson had pulled the wool over my eyes. Her next emotion was anger, then the tears came.

  Biting my nails, I sit silently, waiting on her verdict.

  “Oh, Madie. I’m so sorry. Was the bathroom incident the last time he harassed you?”

  I look away. “Sort of?”

  “You can tell me?”

  “The day after my birthday, I found the box of earrings I’d left in the bathroom on my nightstand.”

  Dari gasps. “The mofo is crazy coming into your bedroom and leaving them. What did you do?”

  “Jackson texted me. Basically, saying he was offended I hadn’t graciously accepted his gift, but he was certain I’d have a change of heart.”

  Creases form on Dari’s forehead. “In other words, threatening you.”

  “In a non-direct way.”

  “It still counts.”

  I nod in agreeance. “After his stunt, I didn’t put anything past him. I … wore the earrings for a while.” I bore holes into the floor ashamed.

  “I don’t blame you. There’s no telling what Jackson would have done if he saw you not wearing them.”

  “At that point, I think Jackson was just having fun with me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Justin saw me wearing the earrings. Jackson purposely commented how nice they were, and my boyfriend must really like me. I remained silent, and Justin believed him.”

  Light dawns in Dari’s eyes. “It had been Jackson’s intentions all along to make Justin jealous by stirring the pot, since you rejected him. He’s an awful person.”

  “At least I don’t have to deal with him any longer.”

  Dari shifts her weight. “So, you want to keep his baby?”

  “She’s my baby.” I shrug. “I don’t want to terminate her.”

  “Do you feel you’re ready to be a mom? What about adoption?”

  “If I carry a baby for nine months, I’m not sure I can give her away,” I sigh. “I don’t think I’m ready to be a mom, but I have to be.”

  “Can you love her … under the circumstances?”

  “I already do. Her father may be wicked, but I’m not holding it against her.”

  “If this is what y
ou want, then I’m here for you.”

  “I appreciate it.”

  “I can’t believe your mom wasn’t giving you a choice.”

  “Well, it’s out of her hands now. I shouldn’t be too surprised. Charlotte is selfish. She won’t support anything that will be a burden to her.”

  “Our moms have always been at odds. My mom despises yours, and I don’t know why. But she’s a good mother to me and it sucks you don’t have a supportive one.”

  “It is what it is.”

  “Does ... Justin know?”

  “About the pregnancy or that I’m moving back?”

  “Both? And the most important factor, who the father is?”

  I cringe. Dari can’t help how candid she is. “Justin has no idea it’s his brother’s.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “It’s okay. I know you meant no harm. I told Justin the same lie—the father goes to Elsik High.”

  Dari blows out her breath. “Do you want Jackson to pay or just pretend it didn’t happen?”

  The million dollar question of the year? “If I keep it locked away and never tell another soul, do you think that makes me a coward?”

  Dari’s brow knits. “No, it doesn’t. I couldn’t handle it if this happened to me. You’re a strong person to even go through this, striving for the future.”

  “I don’t feel strong. At times, I feel like I’ll crumble.” I exhale. “For now, I want to forget. I can’t face bringing it all out in the open.”

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  “I will now that I’m back home.”

  Dari’s lips curl upward, and she squeezes my hand. “If it’s any consolation, I’m glad you’re back. I just wish it were under different circumstances.”

  * * *

  My grandma Thibodeaux speaks with Mama, letting her know I won’t be returning. Gigi tells me the rest of my things will be shipped from Houston soon. Mama hasn’t called me, and I couldn’t be more relieved.