Scorn of Secrets

by B Truly

  Gigi is in the process of getting me registered in the alternative school. Hopefully, I can start by next week and finish up my junior year before summer. I haven’t missed any school this year. Having missed a couple of days shouldn’t be an issue. The school offers courses during the summer. I’ll have to be out for at least six weeks after the birth. I should be able to take both summer courses before I give birth, a jump start for my senior year. That will only leave me with one more five-week course I can take late fall or early winter. As long as I stick to the plan, I’ll stay on track. I can then finish my last senior semester, graduating from Winsten.

  * * *

  Taking a deep breath, I select his number and press send. His phone rings four times before he picks up.

  “Madison?”

  “Hi, Justin.”

  “Why did you leave?” he doesn’t hesitate to ask.

  Tired of not telling him the truth, I go with as much of it as I can. “I didn’t have much choice.”

  “I’m sorry about what I said. I was upset … jealous mostly. I want what’s best for you.”

  His confession throws me for a loop. “Ah, Justin…. I feel the same way about you. You’re not the reason I left.”

  “Well, why did you just take off? You didn’t even say good-bye.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t…. It would’ve been too hard.”

  He’s silent for a moment. “Yeah, I probably would’ve made it difficult, not wanting you to go. When are you coming back?”

  “I plan on living with my grandma now. She’s going to help support me.”

  “We can support you in Houston. My dad is not thrilled, but he’s not a tool. I’ve already spoken with him. You are part of our family now, so he’ll help you with finances.”

  Justin never ceases to amaze me. “That’s very kind of him and you. It’s complicated why I can’t return. My mom is one of many problems. Returning to Baton Rouge seems like the best choice, since my grandma will help me.”

  “What did your mom say?”

  “She wanted me to get an abortion. Basically, she made the choice for me. She’d already taken me to a clinic and set up an appointment to get rid of it.”

  Justin inhales deeply. “What?”

  “I couldn’t go through with it. Not after seeing my baby on the ultrasound. Maybe I’ll decide on adoption, or I might keep her. No matter the circumstances, I can’t get an abortion.”

  “You don’t have to explain. I’m not fond of abortion, either. What’s your mom’s problem? It’s your body, your choice. She can’t force you.”

  “No, but by not supporting my decision, she can make my life harder. It’s difficult enough.”

  He sighs. “I hate she’s giving you unreasonable options, forcing you to leave.”

  “If I had tried to force her hand, it wouldn’t have blown over well. You’ve only seen her ‘win you over side’. I can’t say I’m shocked about her not supporting my pregnancy. She’s not going to do anything that will hinder her routine.”

  “I thought Charlotte was decent. Now I’ve lost respect for her.”

  “At least I have my grandma.”

  “I’m glad you have her, too.” Justin clears his throat. “Hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries, but I assume you’re not with that guy anymore. You said Charlotte was only one problem. I got a feeling, he’s the other.”

  His statement is almost comical. Justin doesn’t have a clue. The dude in question has never been my boyfriend. The joke of the year is the accused is his other half. Even if my mom wasn’t trying to force me into having an abortion, staying in Baton Rouge is my best option. I’m safe from the manipulation of his twin. It’s probably better for Justin, too. By not having to live with me anymore, he can move on. I’ve hurt him enough. He deserves to be with someone who is whole, not the broken girl I’ve become.

  “He won’t be a problem anymore,” I reply.

  “Do I need to beat his ass?”

  I snort. Justin only uses profanity when he’s pissed. “I appreciate you having my back.”

  “I’m serious, Madi. If he did something to cause you harm, I won’t hesitate. Tell me his first and last name?”

  “That won’t be necessary but thank you. It means so much you still care.”

  “Always … that won’t ever change.”

  Tears fill my eyes, and I don’t trust myself to talk.

  “Are you going back to your old high school?”

  “Not right away. I don’t know the details yet, but I’ll be going to an alternative school to finish my junior year.” Both of us hold the phone. I sense we’re thinking the same thing.

  Justin breaks the silence. His voice is barely above a whisper. “I guess this is good-bye.”

  Tears stream down my cheeks. “I would like to keep in touch. I mean, our parents are supposed to be getting married this year.” I don’t want anything to do with his womb mate. If I am being honest, I’m kinda relieved our parents’ relationship will allow us to still have a connection. In the rear of my mind, I know I’ll be able see Justin again. He won’t be out of my life completely.

  “Me, too. So, it’s okay if I check in on you?”

  “Only if I can check on you, also.”

  “I’d like that. Take care of yourself, Dora.”

  I choke on a sob. “You, too, Diego. Don’t be a stranger.”

  “I won’t.”

  I hang up before I break down over the phone. Confessing to Gigi and Dari proved difficult. Talking to Justin feels more painful. Why is that? Our paths have changed courses. Knowing Justin won’t be a constant in my life anymore is hard to bear. This is all part of me moving forward. It sure doesn’t make it any easier.

  38

  Summertime

  By the end of the week, Gigi gets my school registration situated. Mama emailed her my information as well as shipped most of my clothes. I’m bursting at the seams that Mama hasn’t texted or called me again. I won’t be able to avoid her forever, but right now, I really don’t want to talk to her.

  I start at the alternative school for pregnant girls this coming Monday. I’ll be using Gigi’s extra car. She kept my grandpa’s after he died, so it works out that I can borrow it.

  I contact my select friends from Taylor—Lina, Cara, and Amber. All of whom seem worried that I hadn’t been in school last week. I inform them I’ve had family issues and the best resolution was for me to move in with my grandma in Baton Rouge. I promise to keep in touch with each of them. They wish me the best with hopes that my family problems get better. I’ll miss them. Knowing that we’ll stay in touch brightens my spirits.

  * * *

  The new school is not as awkward as I thought it would be. The girls here are in the same boat as me—the majority of us are pregnant. I fall into the flow easily enough, focusing on finishing the last month of school.

  Gigi has found and set me up with an OB/Gyn. Gigi goes with me to my first visit. I receive judgmental stares in the lobby from other patients. Most people don’t think I’m older than fifteen. My stomach churns with how I’ll be received by the doctor.

  It turns out Dr. Vu is really nice and informative. She doesn’t make me feel ashamed of being pregnant at the age of seventeen. She tells me I need to get on prenatal vitamins, orders blood work, and gives me an order to schedule an ultrasound. I’m to meet with her again in a couple of weeks to go over my ultrasound and blood work. I leave the doctor’s office feeling better than I had when I arrived.

  I get an extensive blood panel done the next day. Two weeks later, I have my ultrasound done. Both Gigi and Dari accompany me. My baby girl is growing well and getting big. The ultrasound tech gets some great pictures. I’m almost five months along. My due date is October 1st.

  * * *

  I finish my junior year, diving straight into my first senior session at the alternative school. So I don’t fall behind after I have the baby, I must attend school during the summer. I flow into a routine. I attend scho
ol during the week and hang out with Dari on most weekends. She’s on her summer break.

  Sometimes, I assist Gigi at the grocery store. On Sundays, we always go to church, which is good for the soul. I haven’t been since I left Baton Rouge. My life is looking up. Justin and I have even spoken through text. I miss him terribly but being able to communicate with him to some degree keeps me afloat.

  * * *

  The summer is going by quickly. The alternate school is pretty cut and dried. I breeze through the first senior session, going straight into the next. There are a couple of girls I associate with. I don’t know if anyone is in the same predicament as me. I’ve heard stories of trusting the boy they thought loved them. And other stories of not thinking they would get pregnant after the first time. I was always taught it only takes one time and I’m a prime example of that scenario. I’ve been asked more than once how I got knocked up. My carefree answer is the same way as you.

  The most important thing about attending the alternative school is that I fit in. I don’t feel like an outcast. Only girls attend, and we’re all expecting, or some students have recently had a baby and need to catch up on classes.

  So far, I haven’t had any complications with the pregnancy, and I’m already in my third trimester. The only dilemma I have is my recurring nightmares. I thought I’d overcome them. When I first moved back to Baton Rouge, they stopped for a spell. My night terrors have returned with a vengeance. I have one almost every night and lately, they seem to be getting worse. The other night I scared Gigi to death when I woke up screaming.

  * * *

  My eyelids are heavy from lack of sleep. My nightmares have not gotten better, and I don’t understand why.

  Gigi is as chirpy as ever while seasoning meat for dinner. Her carefree spirit brings a smile to my face.

  “Some of my church members were asking when your baby shower is. I wasn’t sure how you felt about having one due to the circumstances. I thought I could get you registered at Target. I told them we hadn’t set a date for one yet, but once you got registered somewhere, I’d let them know.”

  “Really? I’ll be thankful for whatever I get. It’s just....” I bite my lip. “I worry about what family and friends will say about me getting knocked up my junior year.”

  “That’s understandable, dear. We don’t have to do a shower. I think we should at least get you registered for people who want to get you something.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “Would you be up for going to Target later?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Are you sure? You look tired.”

  “No, I’m okay. The third trimester is just starting to wear me out.” It’s the partial truth. “I’m definitely up for it,” I amend.

  “Good. We’ll leave after I get through preparing dinner.”

  Dari ends up texting me to see how I’m doing. When I tell her Gigi and I are going to Target to register, she says she wants to come. Target is fun, scanning cute girl items. There’s so much to choose from. For the baby room we decide on a zoo theme. Gigi buys a crib, rocking chair, dresser, and changing table. She deserves the grandma of the year award.

  Dari understands my situation about being uncomfortable around people for a shower under the circumstances. As a compromise, she comes up with an idea for a virtual baby shower. Dari is going to send out evites to family and a couple of Gigi’s church members. On that date, Dari will be a Zoom host, and anyone who wants to attend can tune in live. I think it’s a really neat idea that I’m the most comfortable with.

  * * *

  I contemplate on eviting my friends from Houston, deciding to do so in the end. I promised to keep in touch with them, so they’ll find out eventually. I’m not going to hide my daughter away. Lina, Cara, and Amber all tune in live for the shower. I let them know beforehand the baby isn’t Justin’s. Thankfully, none of them ask questions about who the father is. It’s nice to have them support me.

  My cousin, Kenya, from New Orleans, is one of many family members who join live. My oldest aunt, Corine, who lives in Lafayette, tunes in, as well as a couple of Gigi’s church friends.

  Mama texts me saying she won’t be able to tune in because she has a closing on a house. I haven’t spoken with her since I left Houston. I’m bitter over it. She’s upset because I went behind her back, but I thought she would at least call to check on me. I’ve been too chicken to reach out to her. Gigi told me she’s supposed to come down once the baby is born.

  The middle sister, Dari’s mom, Cassandra comes over with Dari. My aunt is a different person when my mother is not around—her guard is down. Aunt Cass even brings a lovely cake. Dari is a great host. She narrates who the presents are from. Once I open a gift, I show what it is, and then thank the person.

  To my surprise, Tanya has joined the Zoom. My guess is to represent our mom to avoid anyone asking probing questions about them not attending. Her and Mama’s present is a car seat. Aunt Corine buys a baby swing. Dari and Aunt Cass give me a walker and stroller. My Houston friends gift me with baby clothes and toys. Gigi’s generous church friends get me the whole nine yards—everything from bottles and formula to diapers and wipes. I appreciate all the wonderful gifts. The unique virtual shower turns out better than I expected. It seems like everyone has fun.

  39

  Restless Nights

  Where am I? Darkness surrounds me. My eyes blink rapidly, attempting to adjust in the dim light. I’m lying on soft material that emits a pine scent. A bed? Sitting up, I squirm around, realizing my hands are tied behind my back. Panic begins to set in. I don’t know where I am. I can’t see well, and my hands are bound.

  A thumping sound echoes nearby. “Who’s there?”

  A faint light leaks into the room. Peering around, it looks like a bedroom. It’s just not mine. Jumping up, I run for the door, slamming into a brick wall. At least that’s what I thought it was.

  It’s not a wall. It’s a hard chest—a tall body stops me from escaping. Strong arms engulf me, and I can’t move.

  “You’re not going anywhere. You’re mine now. I’ve taken you to a place where no one will be able to find you,” a smug familiar voice gloats.

  Trembling, I glance up, knowing who the perpetrator is. The same face that I love and hate, simultaneously. He smirks at me and there’s no left cheek dimple. He’s not the one I adore. He is the one I despise. I struggle to get out of his grasp. He only laughs.

  Lifting me, he throws me onto the bed, climbing on top of me. My tied arms are now above my head. “Get off!”

  “I’m going to remind you of how good we are together,” the wicked twin taunts me.

  No, not again! “Why are you doing this? Just let me go. You can have any woman you want.”

  “You gave yourself to me willingly. Don’t ever forget that fact. I was your first and I own you now.”

  Fighting against him is useless. In the end, he has his way with me. I can’t blame anyone but myself for getting into this predicament. After all, I gave him permission in the first place.

  “Madison, wake up!”

  I jolt awake, hearing a high-pitched wail in the background. I realize the sound is me screaming. Gigi has my shoulders—she’s shaking me awake. I had another nightmare, which seemed so real.

  Gigi turns on the lamp on my nightstand. Pulling my knees to my chest, I wrap my arms around them. “Sorry, Gigi. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  She sits next to me on the bed. “Wake me? No, you scared me to death. Madison, your nightmares are getting worse. What were you dreaming about?”

  I swallow the lump in my throat. This is the third time I’ve woken Gigi screaming—the first time she’s asked me about it. I can’t look at her as I confess, “In the dreams ... it always happens again.”

  Creases line on Gigi’s forehead, and then she sighs. “Maybe the dreams are trying to tell you something.”

  I tilt my head. “Tell me what?”

  “That you were done
wrong and you should get justice.”

  Is that why I keep having them? Will they continue to haunt me until I make a stand? “What ... could I possibly do about it?”

  “You can file a report.”

  “Won’t it be my word against his and under the circumstances....”

  “It’s a complicated situation, dear, but that’s what the law is for.”

  “I ... don’t know if I can go through with it.”

  “I know the youth church advisor. She’s also a lawyer. You could talk to her about it.”

  “Seek counsel from her?”

  “It couldn’t hurt. She knows the law and is a woman of God. You can’t go wrong there.” Gigi squeezes my hand. “Just think about it.”

  “I will.” Is the answer to having peace unlocking the door to my darkest secret?

  * * *

  The week that follows is even worse. It’s like my nightmares are eating me alive. It’s to the point that I’m afraid of going to sleep. I’m desperate for the nightmares to stop, so I take Gigi up on her advice. I tell her I would like to talk to the church youth adviser.

  Gigi sets up a time for me to speak with the youth adviser the following week. Sitting in the chair facing her, I fidget with my hands. She’s a pretty lady—light complected like me. She is dressed in an immaculate purple suit. She wears her black hair natural and has warm brown eyes. She doesn’t glance at my stomach once, even though a blind person could see I’m about to pop. I decide I like her immediately.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Madison. I’m Ms. Jamilah Driver.”

  “Hello, ma’am,” I reply.

  “How long have you been attending this church?”

  “I began going here several years ago, until I moved to Houston.”

  “Now you live with your grandmother?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “It’s good to have you back.” She crosses her legs. “Your grandmother has told me you’ve had some issues and now you’ve been having trouble sleeping.”