Frivolities, Especially Addressed to Those Who Are Tired of Being Serious

by Richard Marsh

  A Honeymoon Trip

  MRS. GODWIN WRITES TO HER MOTHER

  "You know, dear mamma, I was against a compartment being reserved. Onemight as well advertise the fact that one is starting on one'shoneymoon. But I was not prepared to find the train so full as it was.Our carriage was crowded, and not with nice people. They played cardsthe whole way down, and, when one is just beginning one's marriedlife, it was not agreeable to have to listen to some of the languagewhich was used. Conrad was quite fidgety. You know he is mostparticular. But it was no use speaking. One of the men asked him if hewould take a hand. When he observed that he objected to cards beingplayed in a railway carriage, the person replied that he looked asthough he did. And then the others smiled. This quite upset him. And,as we were nearing Harwich, he began to feel in his pockets in a waywhich, I must say, was annoying. I had refrained from speaking to himas much as possible, being unwilling to let the others have a chanceof guessing at the situation we were in; but when he stood up andbegan to turn his pockets inside out, and altogether to upset theother passengers, I did ask him what it was that he was looking for.

  "'I can't find the tickets.'

  "You know how easily he becomes embarrassed, and how the blood fliesto his head. You remember that Geraldine said she thought he must beapoplectic.

  "'You put them in your pocket-book.'

  "'But that is gone too.'

  "'You will find it when you get on board.'

  "All the people were staring at him, he was making such a fuss.

  "'I should like to find it before I get on board.'

  "'Perhaps,' suggested an old gentleman, who was sitting in theopposite corner, 'it's in your overcoat.' Conrad took his coat fromthe rack and looked to see. It was not there. 'Feel in your pocketsagain,' suggested the old gentleman.

  "Conrad felt. He did not find the pocketbook, but he found somethingelse instead. He produced it with an exclamation. It was the firsttime I ever heard him swear.

  "'Good heavens! It's the key of the safe!'

  "His manner was so ludicrous, everybody laughed.

  "'My dear Conrad, do sit down!'

  "He sat down and stared at me like a man in a dream.

  "'But you don't understand. It's the key of the safe. I forgot that Iwas going to be married, and I brought it away.'

  "I do not think that I was ever so much annoyed in my life. After allthe pains I had taken to conceal the fact that we were honeymooning,and then for him to blurt it out like that! The other passengerssimply roared.

  "'This is a nice way of beginning one's honeymoon. I shall have toreturn to town at once.'

  "Of course they laughed again. I was really too annoyed to speak. Isat and tried to look as though I liked it. When he had finishedlaughing the man who sat next to him stooped and picked up somethingfrom the floor of the carriage.

  "'Anybody lost a pocket-book?' he asked.

  "Of course it was Conrad's.

  "'I--I expect I dropped it,' he explained. Then he turned to me. 'I amafraid we shall have to return to town at once.'

  "'Don't be silly. We shall do nothing of the kind. I suppose there isa telegraph office at Harwich.'

  "Before he had time to answer the train began to slow. I took themanagement of affairs into my own hands.

  "'If you will go and send your telegram I will go on board. But praydon't be long.'

  "But he was long. It appears, from what I have since learnt, that theLondon train was behind its time, and it was a question of missing thetide in the Scheldt. Anyhow, there was a great deal of hurry andscurry, and, as I was wondering what had become of Conrad, someoneshouted, 'All on board!' In my agitation I lost my presence of mind.And at that moment I saw Conrad running along the quay in thedirection of the boat for Rotterdam. I suppose that, owing to hisshortsightedness, and his haste, and the darkness, he mistook one boatfor the other. I was tongue-tied in my bewilderment. Before Irecovered myself we were moving down the river, and the quay was outof sight. You may imagine my sensations, without tickets, almostwithout money, a bride without a bridegroom! I asked for the captain.I was told that he was navigating the ship, but I could see him lateron. I saw him later on. He came when we had reached the open sea. Ashe advanced I thought I knew his figure. I felt as though my legs weregiving way beneath me--it was Mr. Pearson! The recognition was mutual.

  "'Jennie!' he cried. 'Miss Nash!' He looked as though he weredumbfounded. 'This is an unexpected pleasure!'

  "'I--I wish to see the captain.'

  "'I am the captain. You wish to see me? Come this way!'

  "He led the way into his cabin. I followed, speechless. Events werecrowding on me, for which I was wholly unprepared.

  "'Mrs. Nash is with you?'

  "'No, not--my mother. I--I am with my husband.'

  "'Your husband!' He gave a start of surprise. 'Oh, indeed, yourhusband.'

  "You know what a big man he is, and his huge beard? I declare that, ashe stood and glared at me, I felt positively frightened.

  "'That is to say, he was with me, but he has been left behind.'

  "'Left behind? Might I ask you to explain?'

  "'He went to send a telegram and he mistook the boat, and I'm afraidhe's gone to Rotterdam.'

  "'To Rotterdam? And you are bound for Antwerp? Ha, ha, ha!'

  "He actually laughed, which was a brutal thing to do.

  "'And the worst of it is that he has my ticket.'

  "'That would be the worst part of it--to you.'

  "I knew very well what he meant, though I took care not to let himsuspect that I knew it. I did not know what else to do, so I took outmy handkerchief and began to cry.

  "'Madame la Baronne will excuse me, but I have still some littlematters to which I must attend. Doubtless Madame la Baronne will haveceased to weep by the time that I return.'

  "He left the cabin. I distinctly heard him bolt the door on the otherside. My first impulse was to fasten it upon my side too. But Irefrained. He had entirely upset me--what little there was of me leftto upset--by addressing me as Madame la Baronne! He evidently took itfor granted that I had married the Belgian. I do not suppose thatGeraldine will pay the slightest heed to anything I say, but I wouldearnestly advise her to be exceedingly careful in avoidingcomplications with men. I know that, as I sat there waiting for Mr.Pearson's return, I wished with all my heart that I had never met anyman until I met Conrad--some of them never will understand.

  "When he came back I had calmed myself to the best of my ability.There was a tolerable glass in the cabin. I took advantage of it toput myself a little to rights. He entered while I was engaged in doingso. He came in so quietly that the first intimation I had of hispresence was seeing his face beside mine in the glass. It gave mequite a shock.

  "'Mr. Pearson!'

  "I turned. He bowed.

  "'Always the same!' he said.

  "'I was just looking to see if there was any of me left.'

  "'Let me beg of you to take a seat.'

  "I sat down. He went to a desk which was at one side of the cabin andsat down too, his back to me. His manners did not strike me asparticularly polite. Unlocking the desk, he took something out of it.I tried to make a little conversation.

  "'I had no idea, Mr. Pearson, that you had become a captain.'

  "He bowed, but said nothing. I tried again:

  "'If it is not giving you too much trouble, Mr. Pearson--I am tired,you know--might I ask you to show me to a berth?"

  "This time he condescended to face me.

  "'Our encounter is of so unexpected a nature that I am sure you willexcuse me if for a few minutes I detain you. I can scarcely hope tohave so excellent an opportunity again.'

  "'I can only say that I am tired.'

  "'There are a few matters here in which you cannot fail to take aninterest.'

  "He turned to the things which he had placed upon his desk.

  "'Here is a revolver.'

  "He took one in his hand
and held it out to me. You know, dear mamma,I am not nervous as a rule, but when he did that a creepy, crawlyfeeling went all over me.

  "'I purchased it to shoot the Baron. It is perhaps as well that he isleft behind. I might have used it yet.'

  "There was something in his eyes I did not like. In an ordinary case Ishould have said his language was absurd. But my position waspeculiar.

  "'You are under a misapprehension, Mr. Pearson. The Baron d'Ardigny isnot my husband.'

  "'Not your husband!'

  "He sprang up with a shout. The revolver clattered to the floor. If itwas loaded it was a miracle that it did not go off. 'Not D'Ardigny! Isit possible that you duped him too?'

  "'I am at your mercy, Mr. Pearson, and you are, of course, free to usetowards me any language which, as a gentleman, may be consistent withyour code of honour.'

  "'My code of honour! Such words from you! You ruined me--is that notso? You tempted me to desert my ship. When I did so all that you hadto say was that the whole affair had been a little joke of yours. Theycourt-martialled me. I was broken. Surely you cannot expect my honourto be more than yours?'

  "You know, dear mamma, when I had that scrape with Charlie Pearson Inever meant any harm--you know I never did. When he was goose enoughto suppose I was in earnest, and actually left his ship to come to me,you remember how annoyed I was? But really, when, on board his ownboat, he talked to me in that style I was without a word.

  "'May I--it seems absurd when I remember that I used, with yourconsent, to hold you to my bosom and press your lips to mine!--but mayI ask your name?'

  "'I am Mrs. Godwin.'

  "'So, since the Baron's little affair and mine there has been another.What a quantity of bad language I have wasted on D'Ardigny! Do youknow, Mrs. Godwin, when I look at you and think of all that is past, Iwonder how I could ever have been such a fool?'

  "I tried to smile.

  "'You must own that you were a little foolish.'

  "'Oh, I was! Undoubtedly I was! Ever to have believed in you!'

  "'May I ask if you intend to continue to insult me till we get toAntwerp?'

  "'I scarcely know what I intend as yet. I belong to the prehistoricrace of man. When I see a woman who deserves to be drowned, I want todrown her.'

  "'Holding the position which you do on board, to drown me would be theeasiest thing in the world.'

  "He merely shrugged his shoulders--and laughed.

  "'Do you know what this is?' He took up a piece of paper from hisdesk. 'This is a lock of your hair. Has Godwin, I wonder, got a lockas well? Possibly, like the pieces of the true cross, it is to befound all over the world. This is a flower which you wore in yourbosom at the Yacht Club ball. Before you gave it me you kissed it, soI kissed it too--ah, many a time! You have no conception of what aprize I thought it was. Now I am quite aware that there was not a manin the room who might not have had a similar one for the asking. Doyou see this? This was once your shoe. You would scarcely believe thatI bribed your maid to give it to me. I flattered myself that on ourwedding night I would surprise you with a request to put it on thefoot I loved. I suppose I may not presume to put it on to-night?'

  "'I imagine, Mr. Pearson, that you are forgetting that I am married.'

  "'That doesn't make any difference, does it? I should not have thoughtit would--to you.'

  "You know, dear mamma, that I have the sweetest temper in the world. Inever felt inclined to box anybody's ears before, except Geraldine's,and she is sometimes too provoking! but I did feel inclined to box histhen. However, I told myself that if he forgot he was a gentleman Iwould not forget I was a lady.

  "'Possibly, Mr. Pearson, it will cause you to keep your remarkssomewhat within bounds when I tell you that this is my wedding night.'

  "'Your--wedding night!'

  "'Yes, my wedding night. I was married to-day.'

  "As I thought of it, and of how different was the reality to theanticipation, the tears gushed to my eyes. Some men would have beentouched by such a spectacle, but he was not. He began to pace aboutthe cabin, running his fingers through his beard. All at once he beganto laugh so violently that I thought he would never stop.

  "'This is the best joke I ever heard,' he gasped in the middle of hismirth. 'Do you mean to say that you are starting on your honeymoon?'

  "'Yes, I do.'

  "'Poor devil of a Godwin! Then there is every prospect of yourspending it with me. Never in my wildest dreams did I look forward tosuch happiness as this. Is there nothing I can offer you in the shapeof consolation?'

  "'The only consolation you can offer me is to show me to my berth. Iam miserable; you know I am! I should have thought that no man, towhatever depths he may have sunk, would have taken advantage of awoman in my situation.'

  "By this time my tears were flowing quite profusely. But they made noimpression upon him. He recommenced pacing round and round the cabin.He was large, and it was small. His tramp, tramp, tramping, and thegeneral callousness of his demeanour, agitated me to such an extentthat I almost feared that I should become hysterical. Just as I beganto think that I could not hold out any longer he went to the door andshouted 'Spooner!'

  "I supposed he was shouting for the steward. I congratulated myselfthat after all he had been touched, and that I was to be shown to aberth at last. I was beginning to dry my tears when a hairy objectappeared in the doorway. He was so broad in proportion to his heightthat I at first thought he was deformed.

  "'Come in, Spooner.' The man came in. A more unlikely-looking SpoonerI never saw. Really, he reminded me of nothing so much as Quasimodo.His face was all covered with hair; even his great hands were hairy.He had a pair of big black eyes, which, added to his otherattractions, made him look the perfect picture of ferocity. 'This ismy first officer.' Even in my grief I smiled. What could be expectedof a crew which had such officers? 'You recollect, Spooner, my tellingyou about that old sweetheart of mine who broke me?'

  "'I do.'

  "You know how basses seem to produce their voices from their boots.Mr. Spooner's voice seemed to come from much lower than his boots.

  "'You remember my telling you what a jade she was?'

  "'I do.'

  "'Well, here she is.'

  "Mr. Spooner stared at me, as well he might do. For my part I wasdumb. Charlie Pearson always had a graceful way of introducing a lady.

  "'You remember my telling you about that Baron she jilted me for?'

  "'I do.'

  "'And how I used to carry a revolver about with me in my breechespocket so that it might be handy to get a shot at him?' Mr. Spoonernodded his head. 'I used to say that if she married I'd make her awidow within a week. Well, she is married. But it's not to the Baron.It seems that she sent him to the deuce after me. She's married aman named Godwin. I suppose she thinks she can use her husbands likeher sweethearts, so she has given him the slip and left him ashore.Think she's got tired of him, eh? Well, she must be pretty smart attiring--she only married him to-day. She's starting on her honeymoon.This is her wedding night, and she's left the man ashore.'

  "Mr. Spooner listened to this without even so much as blinking an eye.He stood staring at me like a great stolid bear.

  "'Spooner, I've laid awake of nights wondering when she and I wouldmeet again. I've gone half mad racking my brains, thinking whatvengeance I would take. I've asked myself over and over again what I'ddo to her if ever I got her in my power. Now I've got her. And I askyou what you would do if you were I?'

  "'I'd forgive her.'

  "'Forgive her!'

  "Mr. Pearson drew a long breath. He looked at Mr. Spooner and then helooked at me.

  "'That's a wrinkle. Hang me, I will forgive her! I'll treat her withcontempt and let her go. What shall I do with these gimcracks? I'vekept them as though they were the richest treasures from Ali Baba'scave. Here's a lock of her hair, here's a rose from her bosom, here'sa shoe from her foot, here's a bundle of her letters. You know what'sin them, because I've read them to you many a time.'


  "These were pleasant things for me to hear.

  "'Spooner, what shall I do with these?'

  "'Burn 'em.'

  "'So I will. Here's the lot. Give 'em to the cook, and tell him to usethem in the morning to light his galley fire.'

  "He thrust the various articles into Mr. Spooner's hands. You mayimagine my sensations.

  "Then he turned to me.

  "'Now, madam, if you wish it, I will show you to your cabin.'

  "I was quite unable to speak. I had never supposed it was possiblethat I could have been so cowed by two mere men. The truth is, that Iwas in such a passion that I really was beside myself. I would havegiven anything to have been a man to have been able to knock him down.He showed me to the cabin, and without a word he left me at the door.When I was inside I clenched my fists and stamped my foot andscreamed.

  "'My dear child, aren't you well?'

  "I looked up. There was an old woman, sitting up in her berth, andlooking at me through her spectacles.

  "'Stewardess,' she cried. Then to me, 'I wish you'd go and find myhusband. My name is Maunders-Griffin. Oh, I am so ill! And tell himthat those anti-sea-sick lozenges have not had the least effect. I'veeaten them all, and I want some more. Oh!'

  "The reaction was so sudden, so extreme, that I was seized with a fitof laughter. It was impossible for me to control myself. I daresay theold woman thought that I was mad. It so exhausted me that I had todrop into a chair to save myself from falling.

  "The stewardess advanced.

  "'Would madam like a berth?'

  "'A berth! No. I--I will go on deck.'

  "The atmosphere of the cabin was unbearable; you know what a cabin isat night when it is full of women who are ill. I felt that if I stayedthere long I should be ill myself. Besides, under the best conditions,I felt that in the excited state of my brain it would be impossiblefor me to sleep, so I went on deck.

  "It was a glorious night. There was a full moon and cloudless sky. Buta stiff breeze was blowing, and one soon became conscious that it borewith it a strong solution of salt spray.

  "I paced up and down, trying to calm myself sufficiently to enable meto realise my situation. I suppose that never was a woman moreunfortunate. What a wedding night!--that night which is supposed to bethe most sacred of a woman's life. To whom was I to turn for advice,with such a captain and such a chief officer? Dear mamma, I am notashamed to confess that I cried, really and truly cried. I sat down bythe side of the ship and quite gave in.

  "While I was still crying someone came behind and touched me on theshoulder.

  "'If you are not well, don't you think you had better go downstairs?'

  "I looked round. An old gentleman was standing behind me. He actuallythought that I was sick. I was indignant.

  "'Thank you. I am quite well.'

  "'I--I beg your pardon. I--I thought you were affected by the motionof the sea.'

  "'I am obliged to you. I am never ill on board ship. Never.'

  "I think my manner rather startled him. He took off his hat and movedaway. You know how I object to people who think they have a right tointerfere because they happen to be old--and, generally, silly. It issuch stuff. The consciousness that I had crushed him made me feeldistinctly better. I sat up and looked at the sea. But as I watchedthe gleaming waters the old thoughts came back, and, before I knew it,again my eyes filled with tears. It was foolish, but I could not helpit. I do not often cry, but I did cry then.

  "I daresay I had been making rather a goose of myself--I had beencrying a good long time, when again someone touched me on theshoulder. It was once more that absurd old man.

  "'If you will take my advice, my dear, you will go downstairs. I am anold man, and take the liberty of addressing you.'

  "Fancy calling me 'my dear,' as though I were a child! I stood up andfaced him.

  "'My good sir, _will_ you leave me alone?'

  "He looked at me as though he were trying to find an excuse to begin aconversation. I daresay he would have liked me to make a confidant ofhim.

  "'I am afraid you are in trouble. I don't like to see a young ladycrying alone on deck all night, especially such a young lady as you.'

  "I looked at him--you know how I can look if I like--and I walkedaway. I walked up and down the deck, and each time I passed him Ilooked him full in the face--such a look! He crossed to the otherside. The scent of battle was in my nostrils. I crossed too. Then hewent downstairs instead of me.

  "Dear mamma, I stayed on deck all night. I saw the night graduallybrighten. I saw the sun rise. I saw the birth of day. And, dear mamma,you have no idea how cold it was. You remember how cold it was when wesaw the sun rise on the Righi? I declare I felt it quite as cold thatmorning on the boat. It was bitter. I was chilled to the bone. I wentdownstairs and routed out the steward, and made him get me a cup ofcoffee. I never enjoyed anything so much. And the state I was in whenI looked at the glass! I went to the ladies' cabin and put myself torights. And there I stayed. It was not nice. But I felt that it wouldbe still less nice to have to return to the deck and meet a crowd ofmen and encounter Mr. Pearson. I had quite made up my mind what Iwould do. I resolved that when I reached Antwerp I would first of allwire to you, then go straight to Brussels, and return by the shorterroute to England. I would do it if I only had enough money to take methe whole of the way third class. If Conrad wanted me he would find mewhere he found me first of all--at home. _My_ home, not his.

  "I was aware, from the motion of the ship, that we had entered theScheldt. For some time we proceeded up the river. Then, all at once,we stopped. I supposed the stoppage to be for the purpose of taking upa pilot. After a delay the boat went on again. I was thinking aboutall sorts of things, and was telling myself that, perhaps, after all,I had not been so good a girl as I might have been, and that sometimesI had been to blame in those little flirtations which had chequered mycareer--and I wonder who would not have been sentimental in such aplight as mine--when someone came to the cabin door and said:

  "'Is there anyone here of the name of Godwin?'

  "I sprang up, my heart in my mouth.

  "'I am Mrs. Godwin!'

  "'Would you mind coming up on deck?'

  "Without a moment's hesitation I followed the man upstairs. I imaginedthat, in some mysterious way, a message had reached me from Conrad, orthat perhaps he had come himself--though, unless he possessed theseven-leagued boots, how he was to spring from the Rotterdam boat tothe Scheldt I never paused to reflect.

  "I was in quite a tremor when I got on deck. I noticed that all thepassengers were gathered together in a crowd, and that in their midstwere three or four foreigners in some kind of uniform.

  "One, in particular, was resplendent. On him my eyes fell. And as theydid so--dear mamma, I did not disgrace you by positively fainting, buta cold chill went down my back and penetrated to the marrow of mybones. It was the Baron! Hector d'Ardigny! At his side stood Mr.Pearson. Even at that trying moment I was struck by the ludicrouscontrast the one presented to the other--the Baron four feet six, Mr.Pearson six feet four. Geraldine will remember how it used to tickleme in days gone by. It tickled me then.

  "As I was becoming conscious that I was the centre of attraction Mr.Pearson motioned towards me with his hand.

  "'This is Mrs. Godwin.'

  "I do not think that the Baron had hitherto noticed me. He noticed methen! It strikes me that up to that moment he had been engaged inglancing at Mr. Pearson. To say that at sight of me the colour of hiscountenance was that of a boiled beetroot is to use a trite and coarsecomparison. But I do not know to what else I could compare it, unlessit be to a lobster newly boiled.

  "'Jennie!' he gasped. 'Miss Nash!'

  "'This,' repeated Mr. Pearson, 'is Mrs. Godwin.'

  "The Baron glared at Mr. Pearson. Then he glared at me. Then he_sprang_ at Mr. Pearson.

  "'Villain!' he cried. 'This is a trick you play on me!'

  "Before the eyes of all the passengers he slapped the captain's face.Of course, it
would have been quite easy for Mr. Pearson to havepicked him up and dropped him into the water. I fancy publicexpectation took it for granted that the Baron would be summarilydisposed of in some such fashion. If so, public expectation was wrong.Mr. Pearson did nothing of the kind. He stood quite still. He lookedat the Baron. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his cheek. Thenhe looked at his handkerchief. Then he turned to me.

  "'Be so good as to come this way.'

  "Docile as a child I went that way. Mr. Pearson came after me,leading, unless I am mistaken, the Baron by his epaulette. We allthree entered the captain's cabin--that apartment in which I hadalready spent such an agreeable twenty minutes. Mr. Pearson addressedthe Baron in language which was eminently adapted to tickle the earsof a lady.

  "'I've half a mind, you little brute, to choke the life right out ofyou. But I'll give you another chance for your skin. The fun's toogood to lose. You said you wanted someone of the name of Godwin, andhere is someone.'

  "The Baron took off his _kepi_. He wiped his brow. The dear little manwas damp with perspiration.

  "'It is someone of the name of Conrad Godwin that I want.'

  "'I am Mrs. Conrad Godwin,' I observed.

  "I supposed that, in some mysterious way, he had become possessed of amessage either for Conrad or for me. I was not prepared for hisbehaviour. He dropped into a seat with an exclamation which soundedvery like an execration.

  "'You see, my dear Baron,' said Mr. Pearson, 'our dear Jennie hasmarried--and she hasn't married you. She hasn't showed herselfpossessed of many virtues, but she has had sense enough for that. Itook it for granted that you were something in the hairdressing line,from the moment I first set eyes on you.'

  "The Baron paid no attention to Mr. Pearson--it was as well he didn't.

  "He sat, huddled up on a chair, looking at me with gaping eyes.

  "'But it is impossible that you are Mrs. Conrad Godwin!'

  "'I fail to see the impossibility, for, in fact, I am. If you have amessage for me, may I ask you to deliver it?'

  "'Message! I have no message! I have instructions to arrest you.'

  "I was startled then.

  "'To arrest me!'

  "'A telegram has come to detain anyone arriving by this boat of thename of Conrad Godwin. I am the chief of the police'--the Barond'Ardigny, with his large property in the Ardennes, had sunk to apoliceman--'and I am afraid that, with your husband, Mr. ConradGodwin, you must be my prisoner.'

  "'My husband, as I cannot help suspecting that you are possibly aware,does not happen to be on board.'

  "'Your husband is not on board? You are travelling alone?'

  "'Owing'--dear mamma, I did almost break down then,--'owing to anunfortunate accident, my husband lost the boat. But, Baron, you mustbe under some delusion. Surely you are not having a jest at myexpense?'

  "'It is no jest! It is the truth! I am an officer.' He slapped hischest: you know the way he had when he said anything particularlyabsurd. 'My duty is my duty! Before that all other things must fade.If, as you say, you are Mrs. Conrad Godwin; if your husband is onboard, or no matter where he is, I must proceed to your arrest.'

  "'Mr. Pearson, you will not suffer this?'

  "'Mrs. Godwin, I am helpless. We are in Belgium, and in Belgium wemust do as the Belgians do.'

  "'But the thing is monstrous! You will surely insist on this person'sexhibiting the authority on which he pretends to act?'

  "Mr. Pearson shrugged his shoulders. He turned to the Baron with asmile--and once he said he loved me! Man's falseness is incredible.

  "'Baron, have you got the warrant in your pocket?'

  "'No warrant is required. I will show madame my instructions when wereach the _bureau_. We are in Belgium, not in England. I would advisemadame, as a friend, not to give me any trouble.'

  "He arrested me! Yes, dear mamma, I spent my wedding night crying,alone, on the deck of a steamer, and at the break of day I was takeninto custody. Arrested by one old lover in the presence of another. Itwas in this way I commenced my married life.

  "I sat in the cabin on one chair, and the Baron sat on another chairin front of me, on guard! I will do him the justice to allow that heseemed quite as much at a loss as I was.

  "When we reached the quay I got into an open fly; the Baron sat on theseat beside me, two policemen sat on the seat in front of me, and twomore policemen kept the driver in countenance upon the box. In thisway we drove through the streets of Antwerp. We arrived at the_bureau_. I was shown into what seemed to be a kind of office; theBaron followed me, closed the door behind him; we were alone. Directlywe were alone he threw his _kepi_ on the floor. I thought the man wasmad.

  "'Jennie!' he cried. 'Mees Nash! What is the meaning of all this?Unfold this mystery.'

  "'It is you who must do that. It is I who require an explanation fromyou.'

  "'You have not married Monsieur Pearson?'

  "'Baron d'Ardigny!'

  "'How came you then to be with him on his ship?'

  "'You might as well ask how I came to be the passenger of a train ofwhich a man named Brown was guard.'

  "'Oh, if you only knew what I have suffered. Your image is where italways was.' He slapped his hand against his right side, where,probably, he supposed his heart to be. 'You have treated me--ah, howyou have treated me! But no matter. The past is past. It is for thefuture that we live. Tell me, what is it you have done?"

  "'It occurs to me that I have done one thing, lost my senses.'

  "'I am your friend; do not be afraid. No matter for the past. I say itis for the future that we live. Is it murder?'

  "'Murder!'

  "'We will say then it is not murder. Thank goodness, it is not that!But there are other things besides. Is it forgery?'

  "'Forgery!'

  "'Is it something you have stolen? Perhaps a little money, or somejewellery, or something of value from your friends.'

  "'Baron d'Ardigny, during your acquaintance with me did I strike youas being of the material of which thieves are made?'

  "'Ah, who shall say! No man can tell! There was one woman I lovedbefore I was in love with you. She did not use me so bad as you; shewas an angel! She was what you call shoplifter. One day I went to seeher; she was not there. I did not see her for a long time. I thoughtthat she was dead. One day I was in a prison; she was among theprisoners. When she saw me she laughed; she put out her tongue andwinked her eye. The anguish is still here.'

  "'Putting aside the question of what I have done, or left undone,perhaps you will tell me of what it is I am accused?'

  "'How should I know?'

  "'If you don't know, I don't know who should.'

  "'It is they who are coming who shall know.'

  "'And pray who is coming?' A thought occurred to me. 'Is it Conrad?'

  "'Conrad! Who is Conrad? Ah! I forgot there was a Conrad.' His mannerchanged. Crossing his arms upon his chest he glared at me, as the badcharacters sometimes glare at the Adelphi. 'Miserable! You wish toplay again with me the fool!'

  "Dear mamma, if you can imagine the Baron d'Ardigny as being madderthan he used to be--do!

  "'Baron d'Ardigny, there are one or two questions which I should likeyou to answer. First of all, am I to regard myself as a prisoner?'

  "'Did you not use to tell me that you would be for ever mine?'

  "'Never, Baron, never!--You have not favoured me with an answer to myquestion.'

  "'Was there not a moment when I was your star of love?'

  "'Not a moment, Baron.--You have not answered me. Am I, or am I not,to regard myself as a prisoner?'

  "'You are a prisoner! It is as a prisoner you are here! It is as aprisoner you must treat me!'

  "'I should be delighted to treat you as a prisoner. Unfortunately itappears that it is as a prisoner you are treating me.'

  "'Your crimes, I do not doubt, they are as black as ink! A woman whocan be as false as you--to such a woman nothing is impossible.'

  "'Baron d'Ardigny, I do not know how this sort of t
hing is done inBelgium, but in England when they lock a person up they tell him whatthey lock him up for. With you, has a policeman the power of taking aperson to the stationhouse for the sole purpose and pleasure ofcalling them names?'

  "'Mees Nash----'

  "'I have already informed you that I am Mrs. Godwin.'

  "'So you are Mrs. Godwin! You insist! Well! At last we have arrived!Meez-sers Godwin, I tell you this. Mark carefully; I meet your husbandonce--for a moment. A second time--for ever--upon the field ofhonour.'

  "I do not know if abroad policemen always speak to their prisoners asthe Baron spoke to me. The inhabitants of those countries must enjoythemselves if they do. For my part, although my situation wassufficiently critical, it was all I could do to refrain from laughter.If you could only have seen how funny he looked! I do not know if hemistook my silence for admiration, but on a sudden his madness assumeda dreadful phase. He threw himself into an attitude--ask Geraldine ifshe has forgotten his attitudes--and apostrophised me thus: 'When Ilook upon that lovely face, upon those eyes of perfect blue, upon thathair of gold, upon that figure exquisite, I say to myself, "Hector,Hector d'Ardigny! you who has not been without his fortunateexperience, is it possible that you cannot win the love of a creatureso divine?" I answer to myself, "It is impossible."'

  "I hesitated for a moment what, under the circumstances, I had betterdo. I saw plainly that it was no use to talk to the man. I arrived ata sudden resolution. I decided that I would try--as they say in thecookery-books--another way. As he stood with his eyes and hands raisedtowards the ceiling I went and I took him by the thing inside thecollar of his coat--stock, I think they call it--and I shook him.I do not think he ever had a better shaking in his life. I kept at ittill the thing inside the collar of his coat came loose in my hand.Then--you know he is _such_ a little man--I lifted him off his feetand seated him on the edge of the table. The rest was silence. Helooked at me, and I, for my part, looked at him.

  "'Now,' I said, when I began to feel a little cooler, 'perhaps youwill tell me what I am here for?'

  "'Apparently,' he gasped--the little man was breathless--'to murderme.'

  "'My good man, you shouldn't provoke me.'

  "In a sort of unconscious soliloquy I heard him murmur:

  "'_Mon Dieu! Ces Anglaises!_' Then with a visible shudder, '_Si elleetait ma femme!_'

  "'Baron d'Ardigny, if you do not wish me to shake you again you willtell me what I am here for.'

  "'Inquire of Philippe.'

  "'I will not inquire of Philippe--whoever Philippe may happen to be. Iinquire of you. And I intend you to answer my inquiry. I suppose thatI am here for something."

  "'For a great deal, it seems.' His hand stole towards his neck.'_Bonne chance! Elle a casse mon col_.'

  "'Answer me.'

  "Dear mamma, I shook him up a little.

  "'I will answer you! _Par exemple! Quel hercule!_'

  "'Then do so.'

  "'If you will permit me to stand upon my feet I will answer you atonce.'

  "'Answer me where you are.'

  "But, mademoiselle, I am an officer. It is impossible that an officercan sit upon a table.'

  "'Answer--me--at--once!' Dear mamma, I shook him again.

  "'_Ah, sacre nom! C'est embetant!_ Will you destroy my clothing? Lookinto that drawer.'

  "I pulled out the drawer. The first thing I saw was a telegram. I tookit up.

  "'Is this it?'

  "'That is it! You have said! Now, perhaps, you will permit me todescend.'

  "'I think, Baron, that you had better stay for a moment where youare.'

  "I opened the telegram.

  "'Detain Conrad Godwin coming by boat from Harwich.'

  "'I fancy, M. le Baron, someone has been hoaxing you.'

  "'Hoaxing me! What you mean?'

  "'It strikes me that if I make public the usage to which you havesubjected me, you are a ruined man.'

  "'_Une jolie femme! Elle marche!_ And if I make public the treatmentwhich you have accorded to the chief of the police, how is that foryou--eh?'

  "'Very good. We will leave it so. I will communicate with ourambassador, our ambassador will communicate with your Government, yourGovernment will communicate with you.'

  "'Mees Nash, I do not understand.'

  "'Baron d'Ardigny, if you call me "Mees Nash" again I shall box yourears. I was married yesterday, and, as I have already told you, I amMrs. Conrad Godwin.'

  "Dear mamma, I think I _should_ have boxed them. He was _so_provoking. But while we were staring at one another--the little manlooked thunderstruck!--the door of the room opened and--Conradentered.

  "'Jennie!' he cried.

  "I had intended, when we did meet again, to assume towards him adignified deportment, and to treat him with the just resentment whichhis conduct merited. But before I knew it I found that I was in hisarms.

  "I believe he kissed me--before the Baron. And I am afraid that weboth of us behaved in rather a foolish way. Which is the more strangebecause, you know, dear mamma, I am a stickler for decorum.

  "'Conrad, I thought that you had left your wife for ever?'

  "'Jennie, I reached Rotterdam at 9.0 and I left by the train at 9.15,_via_ Zevenbergen, for Antwerp. When I reached Antwerp they told meyou were arrested.'

  "'I have been arrested. This is the chief of police, who arrested me.Baron d'Ardigny, this is my husband, Mr. Conrad Godwin.'

  "I suspect that the Baron, from his perch upon the table, had beenedified by our proceedings.

  "When I said this he sprang to the ground.

  "'So!--this is Conrad Godwin! Sir, I will pull your nose.'

  "Conrad was puzzled.

  "'I beg your pardon?'

  "'Sir, I tell you are _canaille_, _cochon_--pig! You understand?'

  "Conrad turned to me.

  "'Is he mad?'

  "'Mad!' The Baron went mad at the bare suggestion. 'Mr. Conrad Godwin,I treat you as a gentleman. As a gentleman I tell you I will cut yourthroat.'

  "I think he would have 'gone' for Conrad. But just then the dooropened again, and a strange gentleman came in.

  "'Godwin!' he cried.

  "'Haynes!'

  "'You have the key of the safe.'

  "'I know it. I wired you that I had.'

  "'Wired me! When?'

  "'I wired you last night from Harwich.'

  "'The deuce you have! And I have been chasing you through Ostend andBrussels! A nice muddle you have made of it. All the locksmiths andburglars in London have been retained to effect an entrance to thesafe. I thought I would be even with you, so I sent them a wire todetain you.'

  "'They have not detained me, but they have my wife. They have arrestedher.'

  "'Mrs. Godwin!--I beg ten thousand pardons!'

  "He was most apologetic--really nice, mamma!" ...

  "P.S.--Dear mamma, the Baron lunched with us at the Hotel St. Antoine.There were four of us. I did not ask Mr. Pearson. I thought thatperhaps he would not come. _The Baron was charming!_"