Anything But: The Musings of an Outcast, Me, Razberry Sweet

by Megan Linski

  I sink against the table, my hands in my hair. Do I love her?

  I know the answer before I even have to think about it. Yeah, I love her. Nothing I do can take my mind off of Puppy. Even making the movie doesn’t get her out of my head.

  What the heck is taking so long? I glance back over at Puppy and Goose. Tears are starting to form in Puppy’s eyes. What’s going on? Puppy never cries.

  I’m about to go to her, but before I can she’s heading back to the table to pick up her bags.

  “What’s wrong?” Pepper asks, concerned.

  She blinks away angry tears. “All the stuff from the storage room above the stage is gone. It’s completely cleaned out. Since I was in there yesterday, Goose is blaming me for it.”

  “What?” I jump up. “That’s insane! Besides, I’m the one who… who…”

  Oh, damn.

  I forgot to lock the door.

  I go to her side and say, “Puppy, you can’t take the blame. Seriously, I’ll vouch for you. Your parents don’t like me as it is. I don’t want them to think that I got you in trouble after I left the door open.”

  “Raz,” she says quietly, “they think you took the stuff.”

  Her words slam into me. I fall back into my chair and ask, “They think I stole all that equipment?”

  “They sure do. They wouldn’t believe me when I said you were with me the whole time.” She closes her eyes and two tears leak out of them.

  “How was I supposed to take all that? I don’t have a car to put it in or a place to keep it!” I hiss.

  “I don’t know, Raz, they just know that I went with you! They think that all the time we spent ditching class to talk was used to take the stuff. They only just found out now because Ms. Sue decided to go home without checking it over the weekend. They’re looking at your record and putting two and two together.”

  My other friends are looking at me weirdly. They don’t know about my record. But they’re about to find out.

  Goose is going to come for me. In fact, he’s staring at me across the lunchroom right now.

  If I’m convicted of this crime, I’ll definitely go to jail. I won’t get a second chance this time.

  “I have to get home,” I whimper.

  “No, Raz,” Zoar shakes his head. “If you run now then that’ll make you look guilty. Stay here.”

  “Just call your aunt and uncle and let them tear up the school for accusing you,” Soldier suggests.

  “You guys don’t understand!” I scream. “I can’t go to prison!”

  “Take it easy, Raz!” Soldier grabs onto my shoulders. “They’re not taking you anywhere, not with me around.”

  “You don’t know that for certain.” I pull away.

  I don’t run. I think about the party we had last Saturday. That seems so far away now, so distant. Was I ever really that happy? Did that day ever exist? All I can feel now is a bitter chill.

  “We’re going to fix this, Raz,” Pepper says. Her voice is calming, clear. “You’re going to be found innocent and Goose is going to eat his words. They can’t prove you guilty on suspicion and a bad record. There’s no evidence. We’re going to solve everything.”

  Our Pepper. So organized, so straightforward.

  If only I could believe her.

  * * *

  I’m suspended until further notice. I didn’t know the school could actually do that, ban you without a reason, but I’m thinking that because of my criminal history they’ve made an exception.

  Aunt Sara came and screamed at the office until you could hear her from down the hall, but with Goose, it hardly made a difference. She tells me she’s going to get a lawyer, but I know better. We can’t afford one.

  Her sticking up for me makes her adore her. My mom wouldn’t have done that. If anything, she would’ve helped them take me away.

  I’m stuck on the couch the next day, feeling sick, watching out the window for the rainy storm that’s heading our way.

  Mitzy comes in after school, her hair wet and blown all over.

  No words are needed. She sees how hurt I am and comes near.

  “Why’d you do it, Raz?” Mitzy asks, and she cocks her head.

  “I didn’t take the stuff, Mitzy,” I growl.

  “Not that.” Mitzy shakes her head. “Why’d you hang out with Bethany. Didn’t you know she was bad news?”

  I’m silent. Mitzy crawls up on the couch next to me. I wrap my arm around her and say, “Yeah, honey, I did. I just didn’t want to believe it.”

  There’s a knock on my door. I get up to open it, feeling half-dead.

  I’m shocked to find that over half of my study hall class is outside, clustered in a group like penguins and braving the weather.

  “Goose or no Goose,” Pepper starts, “I’m the director and I say we’re still making the movie. Do you mind if we all uh… come in?”

  I choke up. I can’t help it. Nobody’s ever bothered showing up at my house to help me before, let alone a whole classroom of people.

  “Yeah, uh...” I say, and I clear my throat, “Come in.”

  I let them all through. One by one they file into my house until there’s at least fifteen people standing in my living room.

  Puppy’s in the corner. She won’t meet my eyes.

  “What scene are we on, Pepper?” Maymee asks. She’s brought her makeup case along.

  “One of the most important,” Pepper says. “The one where the main characters chase after the zombie leader and destroy him. The setting is perfect, just what Perry and Ola wrote— a blustery and stormy day.”

  “Can I be in the movie too?” Mitzy asks as she leans over the armrest.

  “You can be the little girl I’ve kidnapped,” Soldier tells Mitzy, and he swings her up onto his shoulder.

  “Let’s do it,” Brody says. He’s already got the borrowed camera ready. I’m surprised Ms. Sue let us keep it, after she thought we stole the stuff.

  Or maybe she thought we stole that one, too. Maybe Brody never gave it back. I’m not sure if it matters. We venture into the wind. As we film, I hear laughter and joyful screaming around me, the sound of a bunch of teenagers hanging out and having a good time.

  I wish it could always be like this.

  On the scene before we chase after Soldier, Puppy’s character s supposed to be holding onto my hand and crying. The storyline is that her infantry just got killed, and I’m the only one she has left to count on.

  When she grabs my hand, I almost forget that we’re on camera. It’s nothing really all that special, feels just like holding hands should… but it is special. Her hand is soft and fits perfectly in mine. I catch a whiff of her perfume as she pulls me along. She’s parading me around like some sort of pet, but I’m enjoying it.

  She’s glad it’s raining. Although the script calls for it, I think her tears are real.

  * * *

  When the rain stops, it’s nearly midnight and everybody has to go home. I head back inside and take a seat at the kitchen table. I wonder if I’ll be able to finish the movie before the cops arrest me.

  Uncle Logan is sitting at the table as well, eating dinner before he has to go to work. I haven’t eaten all day, but I’m not hungry.

  He takes a deep breath. “Raz, I have to ask you a question and I need you to answer honestly. Did you steal those cameras?”

  The accusation hits me like a brick. To the face.

  “Are you serious?” I whisper, my mouth dropping open in disbelief. “You think I did it?”

  “I’m not going to be mad. Just tell me the truth,” he says flatly.

  “You’re my family. You’re supposed to believe me,” I say.

  “I want to believe you. But Raz, you stole a car,” he says in a tired voice. “It’s hard for me to trust you.”

  “I didn’t steal a car!” I say. I jump up, and throw my chair back. “Bethany stole it!”

  “Does it really make a difference?”

  “Yes, it does! If I knew it w
as stolen there would be no way I would’ve driven it! And you know that!”

  The phone rings. Aunt Sara comes rushing in from the other room to answer it, looking scared. “Hello?”

  Her terrified face falls into a relieved grin. She says, “Thank you. Thank you so much for letting us know.”

  She hangs up the phone and turns to us. “One of the janitors moved all the boxes with the equipment. They were planning to clean out the storage room, but forgot to tell anyone. It was all a silly misunderstanding.” Aunt Sara smiles.

  “Great,” Uncle Logan says, relieved. “So the charges are dropped.”

  I should be happy. Excited, that I’m no longer accused of a crime and aren’t at risk of going to prison.

  But I’m not. The fact that my own uncle thinks I’m turning back into the stupid kid I was over the summer hurts more than the thought of being locked up.

  “No. It’s not great,” I say angrily. “You didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t steal the cameras.”

  “I wanted to believe you. But you have to understand why I had my suspicions,” he argues.

  “No! You’ve been nothing but hard on me since I got here!” I shout. “Admit it, you think I’m a failure, just like my dad does!”

  “Raz...”

  “You want to send me away, send me away!” I say. Tears are forming at the corners of my eyes. I can’t take this anymore. “I don’t want to stay here with you if you’re going to accuse me of being a criminal! I’d rather be in the streets! At least there, I know I’m not wanted!”

  “Raz...”

  Uncle Logan wheezes before his eyes bug out of his head. He grabs his chest, gasps for breath, and then slumps on the table.

  Aunt Sara screams. I stare at him for a second, feeling like everything is in slow motion.

  “Uncle Logan?” I ask meekly.

  He falls to the floor. I try to catch him, but he’s too heavy and he slumps out of my arms.

  Aunt Sara is back on the phone, talking to 911. “Hello, yes, my husband has fainted…”

  No. This can’t be happening. My argument over my innocence can’t have caused this, the death of this man lying in front of me.

  This is nothing like the movies. I want to do something to stop this, but I have no idea what.

  The only thing that I can do is sit here and watch as my uncle dies.

  I, the great, stupid, pathetic Razberry Sweet.

  Chapter 8 - Puppy Knows

  My hands are clasped. I’m sitting in a chair at the hospital, head bowed and my body trembling. I’ve been like this for hours. I can’t even stand it anymore.

  Aunt Sara has one arm wrapped around Mitzy, who’s worn out. She sleeps against Aunt Sara’s side. As the night wears on, I throw my aunt the occasional quick glance. She rubs my back, trying to get me to calm down.

  But I will not calm down. Ever. Word has gotten around town and my cell phone is packed with messages from my friends. Puppy has called three times. I haven’t answered any of them.

  Uncle Logan took me in and has been a father to me ever since my dad tossed me to the side of the road. He didn’t have to do that. I don’t know why he did in the first place, because I’m such a massive fuck-up. What a role model I turned out to be for Mitzy.

  Why did he want me, anyway? I’m nothing all that special. Sure, I can act, but that’s my only talent. I’m forgetful, loud, and a liar, not to mention a thief. I don’t think. That, more than anything, causes me and my clumsy self to fall flat on my face everytime the ball is tossed my way.

  The door opens. I jump to my feet. A doctor comes through and he goes to Aunt Sara.

  “How is he?” she asks.

  The doctor looks at his clipboard. “It’s hard to tell. He’s going into surgery now. If all goes well, he should be fine.”

  The doctor pauses. “The heart attack was very sudden. I just want you to be aware that right now, there’s a thirty percent chance he’ll make it. You might want to start making preparations.”

  Aunt Sara turns completely white.

  “I’ll inform you if anything happens,” the doctor says. “The surgery will take a few hours. I suggest you try to eat, and get some rest.”

  The doctor goes back through the door, leaving us in the private waiting room. The tension is thicker than it was five minutes ago.

  “Take this and go eat, Raz.” Aunt Sara pulls some money out of her purse and hands it to me. “Be as long as you want. I’ll feed Mitzy and myself when she wakes up.”

  I take the money and stuff it in my pocket with no intention of using it, knowing that if I refuse it’ll cause a fight, and I’ve given her more than enough pain for one day.

  I wander out of the unit and around the hospital, through random hallways. I go to the beautiful lobby with a flowing fountain and see the coins through the water at the bottom. My reflection turns my stomach, and I have to look away.

  The cafeteria’s empty. I wouldn’t go in there alone even if I was starving. It’s too creepy.

  The gift shop has a lot of nice things, including a big balloon that fills up a whole corner. If Uncle Logan makes it through this, I’m buying him that balloon, I think.

  Down more stairs and up more elevators. I cross into the mental health unit and stagger around like one of our movie zombies, stunned.

  “Excuse me, sir.” A nurse grabs my arm and looks at me peculiarly. “Do you need help finding your room?”

  She thinks I’m a patient here. I shake my head and say, “No, you’ve made a mistake. I don’t belong here.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” she says. She looks me over again, to try and decide if I’m lying, and says, “If you get lost, just go to a desk and we can help you.”

  “Thanks,” I mumble.

  I wander round and round, up and down stairs. Sometimes, I run just to keep up with my thoughts. I eventually find the hospital chapel and look inside. It’s small and dark. There’s a tiny little book that people have wrote things in. Underneath a confession of a man with cancer, I pick up the pen, ponder a moment, then scribble a few words.

  Dear God. You know who I am. I’ve screwed up.

  I gently place the pen down and turn to see a shadow in the doorway, a figure standing in the light.

  At first, I think it’s an angel. You know, some sort of miracle worker to fix all the mistakes I’ve made. I start toward the beautiful creature slowly, trying to catch her face.

  But instead of an angel, I see Puppy.

  Once I recognize her I throw myself at her. I can’t stop myself from hugging her tightly. Right now, I just need to hold her.

  After a very long time, I tear my body away from her arms and ask, “What are you doing here?”

  “You wouldn’t answer our calls,” she says. “We all got together and decided somebody should go to you. It was going to be Soldier at first, but then we voted on it and decided it should be me.”

  I’m so glad they picked Puppy. I’m so, so glad.

  My friend grabs my arm and pulls me to a pew. We sit and Puppy asks, “Raz… how is your uncle doing?”

  “He had a heart attack. He’s in surgery now.”

  She didn’t ask how it had happened. I figured she must’ve found out from somebody else.

  She’s quiet for a few seconds. “Raz… why were you so afraid of going to prison? You knew they didn’t have much to send you on.”

  “Do I look like the type of person who would survive in prison?” I ask her. “Because I’m not.”

  “Raz, you’d do fine,” she says. “You went to an arts academy. You could probably act your way out of prison so fast it wouldn’t be funny.”

  “That’s just a lie I told you guys to try and look cool,” I say.

  Puppy hitches a breath. “…What?”

  This is it. I’m done with lies. I decide to tell her the story... the whole story.

  “I didn’t go to an arts academy before I came to Limesville,” I confess “I went to Tinyork High, where I was the bi
ggest outcast of the entire school. I was picked on every day by anyone who thought they could crack a joke, mostly by a bully named Cayman Markie.”

  This is so hard to do. But in a way, it feels good, too. Like a weight’s coming off my shoulders. “On the last day of school he and a bunch of jocks surrounded me and started throwing raspberry cake at me until it was all over my face and my clothes. That’s how I got my name. Razberry Sweet.” I spit the name sarcastically.

  “Oh, my gosh,” she whispers. “That’s so terrible. But if Raz isn’t your real name, what is?”

  “Mildfreud.”

  “Oh. Yeah,” she says, nodding. “I can see why you stuck with Razberry. It’s a lot better.”

  “Bethany was the one who stepped in to save me,” I say. “The only one. Now can you understand why I followed her around? She was the only person I knew who actually cared about me. Not even my parents put in the effort to pretend they wanted me around.”

  “But...” she says. “But you seemed so confident on your first day. You didn’t seem like you cared about what anyone thought.”

  “I didn’t have a choice. I knew if I showed people who I really am, I would get outcasted again. And I knew couldn’t survive that. Not a second time.”

  I sigh, and look at her. “But something happened this year. I was pretending to be Razberry Sweet, pretending to be this character in order to impress you and everyone else, but along the way, I became Razberry Sweet. By acting like him, I turned into someone who was confident and sure of himself.”

  “But why would you need to do that? Why do you feel the need to hide behind a persona so badly?” She asks.

  She still doesn’t understand. How can I make her understand?

  It clicks into place. The answer is something I hate, but need to do.

  I swallow. “I’m going to tell you something, something I’ve never told anyone. Please don’t freak out.”

  “Okay...” Puppy says slowly. “What is it?”

  I’m shaking. “Cayman didn’t just humiliate me in front of the entire school. One day after community service, he chased me into a warehouse, beat me up and then...”