Losing Everything to Gain You

by Vina Fenty

  What did she mean by influence? I had no clue what lesbianism meant. I had never heard the words gay or homosexuality when I had first seen Tejiri and fallen in love with her. It wasn't rocket science. It wasn't exposure, it was nothing but my heart drawing me to Tejiri, and I had no say whatever in falling for her. What did she mean by the nonsense that she had just said? 'Tejiri, where are you?' I thought as I knelt before the shredded picture and started to pick the pieces.

  "My daughter, your in-laws are about leaving, and Sam asks to see you. Leave the past in the past and grow up, Amara. You're not a child anymore, and I am shocked to know that this fine young man even wants to put up with your stubbornness," she said before walking out my door, slamming it hard in my face.

  It was true that I had become very unruly and stubborn to my parents ever since I left secondary school, but it was their fault, and they had themselves to blame for that.

  Some minutes later, my face was scrubbed clean, and although puffy and red, I looked normal as I greeted Sam's folk goodbye while I stood with him at a corner of our large compound.

  "Amara, this is the happiest day of my life honestly, I have waited a long time to finally do this. My parents couldn't wait to meet you, and they are proud that I made a good choice. My father likes you and..."

  "Sam, in all of these planning, did you ever stop to think if this is something I would want?" I asked, cutting him off his speech. He was taken aback as he finally took a long look at my face for the first time.

  "Amara, I love you. I have known that you were my wife from the first insult you threw at me that day at the canteen. Your mother has assured me that you would come to love me, just don't worry. It will be fine," he said without any qualms, and for the first time since I first saw him, I felt a hatred for him pass through me.

  "I can never love you, Sam, you need to call this thing off and stop listening to my mother," I said as I left him standing there.

  In her typical fashion, my mother deemed it fit to tell me about how she hadn't even liked my father at first, but now she couldn't think of living without him. I zoned out and instead thought of how I could pick my things and run off to somewhere I wouldn't see these people.

  The next day I did just that, I packed my bags and left without telling anyone. I couldn't go back to Lagos, so I got a nice hotel and lodged. The few days I spent there before they found me was spent eating and surfing the web religiously for anything that could connect me with Tejiri. Any information at all would have been welcomed, but Facebook, Google, and Twitter had no signs of her. It was like she wasn't existing at all. Was it really in this life that I had known Tejiri?

  On the third day, I was able to find Hauwa Akpore on Facebook, and her business line was on her profile. With shaky hands, I called her and introduced myself as a friend of Tejiri from secondary school.

  "Amara?" she asked softly, but something told me to deny because I knew she would never give me any information if she knew I was the one. I remembered how she had treated me the last time I had gone looking for Tejiri at their home in Warri.

  "No ma, my name is Ese, and I just wanted to hear from Tejiri," I said, hoping that she would ask me to hold before passing the phone to Tejiri. I imagined quickly giving Tejiri my location while she ran down to rescue me.

  "Ese, my dear, Tejiri isn't in the country, she hasn't been for years. I wish I had a phone number to give you, but she doesn't even have one, but I will tell her you called when next I see her," she said, and the tears rolled down my eyes.

  Why was I even trying? Tejiri had forgotten about me, and it was apparent. I was just a phase of her childhood that she had moved past. If she cared even a bit about me, she would find ways to reach me. I didn't like social media, but I had opened a Facebook account so that she could contact me whenever she wanted to, but that friend request had never come. Tejiri was never returning to me, and I had to accept that fact but I couldn't, I just couldn't, I loved her too much. I ended up cutting myself throughout that period. I would have ended it all if a tiny part of me didn't have the hope that Tejiri was somewhere and that she was trying too to get back to me.

  On the fourth day, I was in a pool of my blood on the bare tiles when the door opened and standing there were my parents. They looked at me in disappointment. I was their only child, but I was proving difficult for them to handle.

  About a month later, after numerous prayers and deliverance sessions coupled with counseling, it was my wedding day, the saddest day of my life.

  I had cried throughout the night, the makeup artist had done a great job in masking my face, but it still showed that I was a sad bride. In those movies that I liked to watch, the wedding day was when Tejiri should come charging to the altar, objecting to this sham of a marriage and taking me off with her. I looked on at the door all through the ceremony, Tejiri never came, and I was married to Sam.

  I didn't know half of the girls on my bridesmaid's train. I knew my best lady, Chinwe, from way back, and the church was packed full with faces that I rather not see. My parents danced happily, totally ignoring my permanent scowl.

  Nobody cared if I was happy. Nobody gave two fucks about how I felt as long as I was standing in my gown with Sam. To get through my vows, I imagined that it was Tejiri standing before me. When the priest had asked for objections, I held my breath and looked longingly at the door, but Tejiri never came, and by the end of the day, I was a married woman.

  ****

  Sam took me on a honeymoon to Dubai, and I couldn't fault him in anything he had done apart from the fact that he had married me. He was kind, he was gentle, and he never forced himself on me throughout the honeymoon. Every time I said no, he would stop and just hold me. Even his touch was distressing to me. I always feigned a need to use the toilet so I could just get out of his arms. I wasn't happy, I didn't love Sam, and I didn't know how to hide any of my emotions.

  On one of those days, we had gone shopping at the mall of Dubai, and I had been wandering side by side with Sam when I saw her. She was tall just like I thought Tejiri would be now, she had long black hair made into cornrows, and she had that creamy chocolate complexion that I had come to associate with Tejiri.

  I left Sam and ambled up to her. Her back was turned to me, and I said "Tejiri," once before she turned around, and it wasn't her. It was just another girl that looked like her, and I couldn't help the tears that slid down my face. I didn't even know what I was doing, I ran into this stranger's arms because she was the closest thing I had right then to Tejiri. I cried into the lapels of her jacket. After a while, she held me and spoke encouragements into my ears. I didn't know her, and she didn't know me, but here I was crying into her shirt while she held me.

  Sam stood awkwardly watching us, he was embarrassed by my behavior I could tell, but I didn't care. Finally, I stopped and pulled out of her embrace.

  "I'm so sorry, thank you," I said while walking back to Sam, and he also apologized on my behalf while the young woman smiled painfully at me.

  "It's okay. I did not mind. Take care of her," she said while walking out of our view, and Sam said something in the lines of, "I always will."

  He didn't refer to the drama after that, he didn't even bring it up, and it was one of the best things he had done since he married me.

  ****

  When we got back to Nigeria and to the new house that Sam had bought somewhere on the mainland of Lagos, I met my parents waiting for us.

  That night my mother came to my room and sat on my bed. Sam had told them about my refusal to perform my wifely duties.

  "I know how you feel, Amara, but this is your husband, you are allowed to consummate your marriage. It is normal in marriage and..."

  Hearing my mother talk about sex was the silliest thing I had ever heard. Did she even realize that I hated her?

  "I wish you knew how much I despise you," I said harshly under my breath while standing up to pick up my bags. I started to arrange my clothes in the wardrobe.

 
"What did you just say?" she asked, shocked, and I realized that I hadn't been as quiet as I thought, but what the hell.

  "I said I despise you, no I hate you! What are you going to do about it? I do not want you in my house, this is my house now, so if you could, would you stop coming around here pretending to like me. The only thing you did was give birth to me. No one made you a custodian of my life, you have no right to control me whatsoever, but somehow I keep letting you but not anymore," I shouted down at her. The slap that she landed on my face was blinding for a minute. I wished that I could have grabbed her and slammed her against a wall, but I ignored her.

  "I am your mother, and I have tried to condone all of your excesses, but you keep getting out of hand. I wish that I had not given birth to you, I rue the day I labored to bring you forth," she said, almost foaming by her mouth.

  "Like I had asked to be born. Giving birth to me was nothing but for your pleasure. I also wish that God had counted you among the barren women because, honestly, you are not a mother, not one supporting bone in your body. Just one child, and you couldn't even love her. I own my body, mother, and I am never giving it to Sam," I retorted before finally giving up on my clothes.

  I picked the heap of clothes and flung them everywhere. I stomped on them and started to scream. I was going mad with rage, and I wished that I had someone to take it out on.

  "Enough!" my father shouted from the door as he stepped in to get his wife.

  "Amara is mad. She has gone crazy," my mother said accusingly.

  "You have made me crazy. If I go mad, it is your fault," I accused back, and my father had finally had enough.

  He dragged his wife out of my room as I slumped on the heap of clothes and cried till I started to dry heave. I wanted to cut myself, but I couldn't bring myself to stand. So I just curled in a ball and slept right there on the floor.

  ***

  We went to couples counseling, and after a lot of talks and because I was mad at Tejiri at this point, one night, I laid back and told Sam that I was ready. It was awkward, and I tried to hold back the tears. I tried to stop feeling used, dirty, but I couldn't. I felt like I was betraying Tejiri, and all the times that she had touched me. It was another bad night, and when it was done, I watched Sam as he walked to a chair by the bed and started to cry.

  I ignored him and walked to the bathroom to take a morning-after pill. I didn't want Sam's seed growing inside of me. I didn't want anything that could tie me down to Sam or anyone. I wanted to be ready to go once Tejiri came back. A baby was a great enemy to my reunion with Tejiri. After taking the pill, I sat under the showers and cut myself because I was a shame of a woman, and Tejiri was likely never coming back.

  The night ended with Sam crying and me bleeding, and for a long time, he didn't come on to me again. We had been living like that, me having no atom of love for him and him, believing that one day I would come around to loving him. I had nothing against Sam, that was until he had tried to rape me yesterday.

  *****

  "Oh, she owns this place. It's nice," he said after the waiter cleared his plates.

  I fidgeted in my chair as I wondered if talking about Tejiri was a good idea. I figured that at this point, Sam knew about her and I. I trusted my mother to tell him everything from the start.

  "Sam, I forgive you. If you care about me even a little, then you would sign the papers and let me go," I said softly, trying to reason with him, but at the mention of the papers, his face assumed a dark disposition that made me scared to my bones.

  "You are a very selfish woman, Amara. You have never thought about how all these would make me feel. Wait! You think I'm just going to step aside and let a woman take you from me. A woman? We are going to make this work. I am not here to bargain, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I would never sign it. I would never let you win," he said fiercely, and my blood began to boil.

  Sam didn't know what I was capable of.

  "This is not a game, this is my life, and you and my parents have taken enough from me. I am not letting you guys any..."

  The words died in my mouth as I saw Tejiri walk towards us. All of the negative emotions seeped away as I watched her. God! She was so beautiful, so perfect in every single way and she was my life. I couldn't remember where I was or what I had been saying as she walked past us and sat at the bar. My neck almost went anti-clockwise as I strained to get a glimpse of her. She was in black pants and a white linen shirt that was loose and transparent enough to show her black lace bra. It was sexy, and I liked it.

  "What can she give you that I can't? Is it the money because I'm sure that I had never let you lack anything since I met you. She had left you. I was the one that was with you throughout your undergrad. I got you the job. I had been there when everyone thought you were going mad. I was the one that had to deal with all your mood swings, all your depression. It was me who held you together while she was somewhere in the states living her best life, not even remembering your name. She abandoned you, I never did, and this is how you pay me?"

  I managed to peel my eyes off the love of my life and focused back on Sam.

  "I appreciate everything you have done for me, but I do not have to sacrifice my life to show my appreciation. I want my life back, and you're going to give it to me, or I take it. Don't test me, Sam, I am very crazy, and you know this, don't test me."

  I hadn't even finished my sentence when Sam jumped up and walked doggedly to Tejiri. I was alarmed, and I wanted to run after him when I saw Tejiri raise her palm at me, signaling me to sit back down. I obeyed her, but I wanted to die of frustration as I sat there, tapping my foot and wondering what Sam was saying to her.

  They shook hands, and Sam talked animatedly for a while as Tejiri nodded intermittently. Her eyes would find mine and hold before she went back to looking at Sam. If she was angry, I couldn't tell, and I prayed that Sam wouldn't ruin anything for me.

  They shook hands again before Sam walked back towards me. Tejiri went back to sipping her cocktail.

  "By God, I will kill you if you had said anything stupid to her," I said as he stood by the table.

  "I didn't say anything that wasn't true, Amara. I told her about us, and how much I love you and can't wait to start a family. I showed her my ring and said that you were my wife and that you belonged to me. I couldn't help but also talk about the law's stance on homosexuality too. I reminded her about the fourteen years jail sentence attached to homosexuality in Nigeria. It was just a small chit chat to let her know that I was never letting you go," he said before taking a gulp of water and walking off.

  I looked after him in awe. Sam was crazier than I was, and it was shocking that I was just now seeing it.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  I should have taken time out to properly plan what I was going to do, but Sam was getting on my last nerves. He blatantly refused to sign the divorce papers. He started to stalk and send me threatening messages, and to say I was mad at the turn of events was putting it mildly.

  I was at the office on a Monday when I got a call from my mother.

  "Amara, you never bother to call us. Whatever did we do to you?" she asked immediately I took the call, and I was tempted to roll my eyes.

  "Good day, mother," I simply said in reply.

  I had been waiting for them to call me once their dog told them I was about to leave him.

  "What is this I hear about divorce? We don't do that in this family Amara, I can't believe you let that crazy girl back into your..."

  "See mum, I will have to call you back. I have work to do," I said, cutting my mum off.

  I wasn't really in any mood to hear her berate me. They had done the worst thing they could do, but now, I was living for myself.

  I took my parents out of my mind and buried myself in work. I was still lost at work when my phone rang again. My caller ID said it was a Hauwa Akpore, and the name Akpore jumped at me as I took the call to confirm my suspicions.

  "Hello," I said cautiously,
waiting.

  "Amara, my dear, it is Tejiri's mother, and I want you to hear me out," she said.

  I became hot with anger once I confirmed who it was. This woman had taken Tejiri away from me, resisted all my attempts to reach her, and had even embarrassed me the last time I was at her house. She had left me in this mess I was in now.

  "I know how you feel, and I just wanted to say that I am sorry for everything. Your mother just called me now, threatening fire and brimstone. She is visibly distraught about your decision to leave your husband, and I just wanted you to know that I support you. I support Tejiri, and I support whatever decisions you take as adults."

  I was stunned into disbelief, did I hear correctly? Tejiri's mother was saying she supported us, even though she had accused me of wanting to kill her daughter?

  "I don't understand, ma'am!" I said as all my anger vaporized and vanished into thin air.

  "Amara, I know my daughter is gay, and I have accepted that. I have come to realize that she never forgot you. Thinking back, I understand that what you guys had is rare and that the force of love cannot be stopped. She had loved you from the first day she met you, and I knew this fact from the first holiday she came home and couldn't stop talking about you. If anybody can understand love, then it is me. I have been through hell and back loving Tejiri's father. I understood both of you even then, but the only obstacle I discovered was your parents. It was part of the reasons why I hoped that she would forget you and find another woman maybe in America where there is freedom and be happy, but well, that never did happen. She never found anyone. I am sorry for everything I caused for you emotionally. I do regret my actions now," she said, sighing sadly.