Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  What it came down to was that she didn’t have the right to say no. She had promised Max that they wouldn’t go back to life on the road, to moving every year. It was her job to feed him and to clothe him. She had to do what was best for Max.

  But what exactly was best for him?

  “Shit.” Kate slammed her palms on the steering wheel.

  What about Vivian? Could she leave her behind? Could she take her away from Max?

  She slammed against the solid wheel again, just for good measure. She wished she hadn’t gone. She had no idea what she would do next.

  The moment that the elevator doors opened into the loft, Kate knew something was very different. The loft had smelled of nothing but the pine of their Christmas tree and Vivian’s particular scent when she left, but this, she wrinkled her nose, this was unpleasant. Vivian rarely allowed anything unpleasant in her home; she was far too much of a perfectionist.

  “Close your eyes!” Max commanded before she could take her first step.

  She yelped, reflexively slamming her eyes shut, startled as she heard his little feet flying up the stairs.

  “Close your eyes! Close your eyes! Close your eyes!”

  “I did!” She let out a moan of pain as, stepping from the elevator blind, her knees collided with the middle bar of the catwalk’s metal banister. “Ow! Christ! What’s wrong? What’s happening? What’s wrong?”

  “Why would you assume anything was wrong, Ms. Flynn?”

  That deeply sensual voice followed by the clicking of heels on the metal stairs sent a small shiver down her spine and brought a smile to her face that she had to bite away as she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth. She had missed it. Even with her eyes closed she could picture Vivian watching her with that wide grin on her face, her eyes sparkling a bit with mirth. She could see, in her mind’s eye, Vivian in one of those outfits that Kate loved, like her black pencil skirt and burgundy wrap-around top, her black suede heels so tall that they made her just a shade taller than Kate despite the fact that Kate was a few inches taller than her out of them.

  Kate clicked her tongue, wanting to open her eyes and see if she was right, wanting to see the teasing look on her face.

  God, Vivian was addicting.

  A warm, familiar hand covered her eyes. Soft lips brushed hers and whispered, “Welcome home.”

  Kate made a sound of contentment and smiled. She wanted to climb into that brush of lips and live there. “Hey wait, come back.”

  She felt Vivian’s laughter breeze across her cheek before she pulled away.

  “Ew! Come on! Stop kissing! Kissing is gross!” Max groaned, pulling Kate’s arm toward the stairs. “You’re gonna get cooties!”

  Kate gasped, honestly offended. She had been dreading the day that he would start saying things like that. “Who told you about cooties?”

  “John! He said, he said that – that you gets them from kissing girls! So watch out!”

  “Uh-huh, but who needs to watch out, kid? Do I need to watch out for Vivian, or does Vivian need to watch out for me?”

  There were a few moments of silence in which Kate did her best not to laugh. She didn’t need to see him to know what his face looked like. His finger was most likely pulling on his bottom lip, his eyebrows drawn so tightly that they looked like they were going to snap at any moment as he tried to puzzle out the riddle.

  Max, it seemed, couldn’t come up with a good answer, so instead he yelled, “Come on, Mommy, come oooon!”

  Kate scoffed, but because she didn’t have another choice, she nervously let her four-year-old lead her down the stairs where the smell only grew stronger.

  “Is that… paint?”

  “Ready?” he asked, clearly excited.

  “I guess so, kid.”

  “No need to be nervous.” Vivian’s voice came from beside her.

  “Open your eyes!” Max cried.

  The first thing she saw was her boy, jumping up and down in place.

  “Oh my god! Look at you!” She scooped him up so she could get a better look. When she had left, Max had been in dire need of a haircut, his blond curls growing shaggy around his ears. Now the top was spiked into a wild disarray, his hair significantly shorter and styled perfectly. “Oh my god, your hair!” she gasped, running her fingers through the gelled spikes.

  He grinned, his dimples standing out proudly. “I’m stylish!”

  “I had an appointment for a haircut today,” Vivian explained, “and Max wanted one, too. I hope you don’t mind. I recall you saying he needed a cut.”

  A little dazed, Kate shook her head, wondering exactly how much Vivian had spent on a four-year-old’s haircut. If it was the same place she usually went, then surely it had been a lot. Kate wondered idly if Vivian would let her pay her back.

  But before the usual stomach churning over money could start, Max was squirming out of her arms yelling that she needed to “lookit!”

  “Wha—”

  Max pulled her arm, and finally Kate noticed what he had been trying to show her.

  The change wasn’t huge, but it rocked the apartment from top to bottom. Her jaw fell open as she took in the guest room in front of her. The black curtains that once slid closed over three glass walls had been changed to a deep, rusty maroon. Behind it, Kate could see that the remaining wall, the only one made of stone, had been repainted from its original bricked white to Max’s favorite shade of Supergirl red. The bedding had also been replaced from the classic white comforter to a cool blue. Suddenly, the room that had always been so stark and cold exploded into a Color-By-Number representation of her son; there was even a large and highly realistic painting of the symbol of the House of El hanging over the bed.

  “He’s obsessed with that show,” she muttered to herself, having sat through so many episodes of not Superman, but Supergirl. She was sure the main character was Max’s first crush.

  Kate didn’t realize that she was staring, eyes fully blown until they began to sting. Blinking fast, she turned to Vivian, hoping that the right thing would pop out. Before it could, Max spun her around. Her jaw dropped to the ground when she realized that his room wasn’t the only one that had changed.

  “We brought color!” Max cheered, still jumping as if he were on a trampoline.

  Where a geometric black-and-white throw rug had once lived in the downstairs living room now sat a swirling earth-toned design. It set off the one wall that had been painted a deep plum. The black and white couches had been replaced with warm, comfortable-looking, wine-colored ones. Even a few of the steel appliances had been replaced with counterparts of mustard yellow and gray.

  Upstairs Kate could see that the wall of the office had been painted a dark crème, and far across the loft, the wall above Vivian’s bed was now a shade of midnight blue.

  The stark loft, once so mathematical, had evolved into a rich and warm den, screaming of homey comfort.

  “Whoa! Guys!”

  “Do you like it?” Vivian was leaning against her as though she had been gone far too long, her fingers running up and down Kate’s spine.

  “You painted your room blue.” She had meant to tell her it looked good, to approve of their choice, but instead her voice came out thin and shocked.

  “I did,” Vivian said, ducking her head slightly. “I’ve found that I have grown rather sentimental over that color in previous months.”

  Kate just stared at her, overwhelmed.

  “Do you like it?” Vivian’s hand brushed her shoulder, her face hopeful.

  “This looks amazing,” Kate finally said, breaking free of her stupor. “How did you do this so fast?”

  “What, this? It’s only a few accent walls.” But Kate could see that Vivian was proud of the work she and Max had done together.

  Kate wanted to ask her why she had done it, but she couldn’t. She had to sit down.

  Vivian had painted her spare bedroom for her son. She had painted her bedroom to remind them both of what could easily be called the
ir first date. That thought made her head spin and her heart beat a little faster.

  She looked up at Vivian. There was a shy look there, in her eyes, something soft and sweet. They weren’t going to talk about it or what it meant, not yet, but she knew they both understood.

  Overwhelmed, Kate popped every joint she could pop before she ran her fingers through her hair, huffing in and out.

  “So how did the audition go?” Vivian asked. “My mother tried to call me this morning, but we were busy painting.”

  Perhaps it was the shock she still felt coursing through her because, as wise as it would have been to lie or to soften her words, she instead simply said them. “I won.”

  Vivian’s features went round, looking like someone had just politely and almost sweetly stuck her with a pin. “Oh!”

  “Yeah,” Kate said slowly, “totally.” She tried at a smile and failed. Avoiding Vivian’s eyes wasn’t going to help anything, so reluctantly she looked up. It upset and surprised her to see the look on Vivian’s face.

  Vivian was smiling, her lips drawn into a too-large grin, but her eyes were intense, her eyebrows tight, and the vein in her forehead popped out under her skin.

  “Viv—” Kate jumped when Max let out a bloodcurdling scream.

  “We’re moving?” Clearly her eavesdropping son had put two and two together. His fists had clenched into balls at his side, his face as red as the new wall in his room. She had never seen that look on her little boy’s face before: rage, hurt, and – hate, honest hate. “No! You said you wouldn’t! I won’t! No!” He bellowed at the top of his lungs and, throwing down Monkeyz, ran full tilt into the guest room. He slammed the door so hard the glass rattled, and Kate winced, fearing it would break.

  Kate stared in disbelief at the abandoned comfort toy. He never left Monkeyz behind. He had had him for so long, he went everywhere with him. It sent hurt throbbing through every cell of her body, a hurt that only got worse when she looked back up at Vivian’s face. If a few moments before Vivian had been trying for the sun shining with joy at their new remodel, now she was the darkest night, her brows and lips twisted into a frown, pain screaming from her usually warm eyes.

  “You’re leaving?” she whispered.

  Kate didn’t know what to say. Her mouth worked, but no sound followed.

  “I see.” Vivian straightened her skirt, retreating behind her mask.

  “No, Vivian, I don’t know.” She jumped up, reaching for her hands, but they were denied as Vivian took a small step away. Pain and guilt ripped through Kate’s chest. She hated being the bad guy. “I don’t know if I’m going to go, but even if I do, it’s only five hours away.”

  Vivian scoffed, turning away from her.

  Kate stomped twice, but Vivian just settled on the new couch, folding into a stiff upright pose. Kate dropped to her knees before her. “I don’t know, Vivian. Can you talk to me, please? I don’t know what to do.”

  “What is there to do, Kate? This is part of the job.”

  The ice in her voice slapped hard across Kate’s cheek. She hadn’t been the recipient of that tone since they first met. “Vivian. My position here is temporary. Hilary is already around, she’s everywhere, at your office, at your mom’s. I have to think about Max. I don’t want to go, god I don’t want to go, but I’m not sure I can say no to this job. Will you please talk it out with me? I need some help. Please take that look out of your eyes. “

  Vivian laughed without color, brushing her own hair away from her face. “Am I so transparent?”

  Kate smiled, trying to be smug and missing her mark. “You are to me.”

  Softly, her face still cold, Vivian caressed Kate’s cheek.

  “It’s not like we wouldn’t see each other. Five hours is nothing. Besides, I really don’t know. I haven’t decided.” That was her problem. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I have a job when the new season starts after Christmas. I don’t know if I have a job after that.”

  “I can’t help you with that decision, Kate.” Vivian shook her head sadly.

  “I don’t see how I can turn down that steady of a paycheck, Viv. I just—” She groaned. “I want to.” She did. For the first time in her adult life, she honestly wanted to turn down a job despite the fact that taking it was perhaps the more responsible thing to do.

  Vivian’s hand had been tracing Kate’s hand on her thigh. She paused for a moment, her face clear of all emotion before she began to retrace, this time hurried and anxious. “If the only reason you are considering this is because of the financial aspects of the job, then please don’t.”

  Kate laughed, throwing herself back against the couch beside Vivian. “And what am I going to do once the job here is done? What if nothing else comes along?”

  Vivian sighed deeply. “There is plenty to go around here, Kate. This is Chicago. There is always work here for an artist. Please don’t let money be your motivating factor. There will be work, and I am always happy to help when I can.”

  Kate sat for a moment processing that, her jaw tensing and relaxing, tensing and relaxing. Her voice had been so kind when she said it that Kate knew she hadn’t meant offense, and yet, she was offended. She could feel her hackles rising, and though she tried to stop it, she couldn’t seem to, not with the added stress of this job, of Hilary, of not knowing what her future looked like. “So what, if I don’t have a job when this one is over you’ll, what, float us?”

  Vivian’s brow furrowed. “Float you? Kate, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that doesn’t need to be where your head is right now. Please don’t let your finances motivate a decision that could affect your life so thoroughly. Max’s life, too.”

  Kate had watched Vivian’s hands moving as she spoke in disbelief, willing herself to stay calm. “Don’t let it motivate me? God, that’s really easy for you to say, isn’t it?” Kate stood, too agitated to sit anymore.

  “Kate, what’s mine is yours.”

  Was she kidding? “Like fancy winter jackets and two hundred dollar haircuts for a four-year-old,” she ranted, knowing full well that she was moving too quickly for Vivian to see her lips move.

  “Kate, I’m happy to help. After all, you’re giving me so much more in life right now.”

  “Are you serious?” What did Vivian think of her? Was she just going to be Vivian’s mistress then? Vivian paid her bills and so long as Kate warmed her bed at night, then it was all fine? She swung back around, making her lover wince a bit. “You know, I don’t think you fully understand this, but I’m not with you for your money, Vivian.”

  Vivian’s mouth fell open in surprise, but Kate turned away again, embarrassed, depressed. Only, she couldn’t turn her back on her right now, so she flipped back around. The look of absolute confusion on Vivian’s face only made her more upset.

  “You can’t solve every problem by throwing money at it, Vivian!”

  Vivian blinked a few times, fast. “And what is that supposed to mean exactly?”

  Only now Kate wasn’t sure how to continue. She hadn’t meant to say that. It had just popped out. This was not the way to have this talk. She hadn’t decided how to have this talk, but she couldn’t just do it because she was angry. Hands hooked into her back pockets, she shook her head.

  “Kate.”

  Instead of listening, she moved away and tried to open the door to her son’s new room.

  She was met with a knob that refused to turn.

  “Okay.” She gave a dry laugh, turning to Vivian could see her speak. “How did I not know this room had a lock on it?”

  Vivian’s eyebrows shot up. “It has never even occurred to me that it did.”

  Kate knocked. “Max, unlock the door. Max!”

  Vivian unfolded herself from the couch and came to tap lightly on the glass. “Max, this is inappropriate. Open the door, please.”

  Kate’s anger only rose as Max refused to open the door.

  It took ten minutes and a few threats of Santa only visiting t
he good little boys before he opened the door, head hanging, face tear-stained, nose running.

  Seeing him that upset sent a battle of conflicting feelings through Kate. She wanted to scoop him up and hug him to her, she wanted to wipe away his tears, but she was also furious with him.

  Kate made a mental note to do something about that lock before she sat him firmly on the couch. “Max, I understand you are sad, but that,” she angrily pointed back toward the guest room, “is not how you behave! Do you understand me?” She felt Vivian’s hand on her shoulder and realized she was yelling at her already upset toddler. She took a deep, steadying breath, feeling tears burning hot in her eyes. She didn’t want to be in this position. She was angry, but only a very small part of her was angry with him. She was mostly angry with herself, at her career, at Vivian for her kind but oh-so-insulting offer, at the choice she now had to make.

  She had become a musician to create beauty, but was there really anything more beautiful than what she had with Vivian? Then again, could she really know that, if she stayed, she and Vivian would last? The odds were they wouldn’t; that wasn’t how relationships worked in Kate’s experience. They were burning bright together, but eventually they would fizzle out and die.

  Max was scowling when she looked at him again, having won the battle against the tears. His arms were folded tightly across his little chest, his face set. He was ready for a fight.

  “Max,” she tried again in a much softer tone. “Do you hear me?”

  “Yes!” he yelled with a red face.

  “Max!” Kate barked back.

  “Max,” Vivian began, her voice soft and sweet compared to Kate’s, “why don’t you sit on the couch for a few minutes and try to cool down?”

  “I’m in time out?” he screamed at the top of his lungs, creating his own personal green disco with the apartment’s noise sensors.