Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  “No, you’re not, but remember your deep breaths? Why don’t you do that for a few minutes?”

  Kate walked her son over to the couch and set him down with a kiss that he angrily wiped away. Then, struggling with those tears again, she turned away from both of them and took a seat at the kitchen island.

  She didn’t like to cry, and she liked crying in front of others even less. She sniffed hard and swallowed as Vivian sat beside her. Kate couldn’t look at her, humiliation thick in her throat. She had yelled at Vivian, and then she had yelled at Max. She couldn’t stand herself just then so instead of looking at her, she stared off toward the opposite wall.

  Vivian attempted to pick up the thread of their conversation. “Kate, when you say ‘float you,’ it just sounds bad. I didn’t mean float you, I just meant help, and I didn’t mean forever. I just meant until the next thing came along.”

  Kate shook her head, distracted herself with counting the bricks that made up the far wall. “Honestly, I don’t even want to talk about it.”

  “Kate.”

  “Look, Vivian!” she cried, snapping far harder than she needed to. “I’m not some charity case! I get it. My house is not as nice as yours. Sometimes I have to decide between buying something for myself and buying something for Max. But Jesus, Vivian! It’s not always that way! I’m just still in the hole from moving! And even if I weren’t, are you kidding me?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” Vivian scoffed. “I can see I obviously hurt your pride, but would you not do the same for me? If I lost my positions tomorrow, would you not want to do all you could to help? Would you not try to take me in, would you not assist me in any way you could, including financially?”

  On the couch Max tossed over, his face purple, and angrily punched the pillow next to him.

  “Hey!” Kate barked from the kitchen. “That is not practicing your breathing. Try, please. Now, Max.” She ran her hands through her hair, knowing that her son wouldn’t... couldn’t do it if she also couldn’t. She groaned and leaned forward, putting her face between her knees.

  Vivian stood and wrapped her arms around Kate.

  Kate sat stiffly at first, not wanting to be hugged just then.

  With an agitated growl, Vivian shook her a little. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. You’re a good parent,” Vivian said kissing her eyelids gently. “You’re a good parent, so I have to accept that you’re going. A good parent puts their child first. I just wish you would let me help.” Kate tried to pull away, but Vivian wouldn’t let her. “Stop it, Kate!”

  Kate sighed, wishing she could have some time to herself, away from the sad eyes of her girlfriend and her son. She gave a growl of her own and jerked her chin to the side to pop her neck so brashly that it hurt.

  Vivian’s eyes burned into her, and under that gaze Kate sighed, deflating as she realized she felt like a child. “I’m not completely sure what the right thing for Max is,” she admitted.

  Kate’s phone vibrated and, when she pulled it free, she was surprised to see it was a congratulatory message from none other than Jacqueline Kensington. Kate glanced around, suddenly feeling very watched. Come to think of it, how did Jacqueline know?

  “Who was that?” Vivian asked as she played with a strand of Kate’s hair, leaving a kiss on her temple.

  “Your mother. Congratulating me.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  Kate shook her head and showed her the text.

  Vivian swore silently. “She always knows.”

  “Also, since everyone is already mad at me, I might as well finally tell you. I invited your mom over for Christmas dinner.”

  “You did what?” Vivian shouted.

  With a yelp, Kate clapped her hands over her ears.

  Max couldn’t be calmed, not by Kate anyway. No matter what she said to him, no matter how many times she told him that she hadn’t made a decision yet and that she remembered her promise to him, his eyes just filled with tears. Finally, she gave up and let Vivian take Max for a walk. She wanted desperately to know what her girlfriend was saying to him, how she would calm him, but she gave them space and called the two people she knew she could count on to talk her through this impartially. Well, mostly impartially.

  “Yeah, I heard you won. You don’t sound too happy about it, though,” John said over the phone.

  “I’m not. Look, Char is already on her way over, can I count you in or not?”

  “Count me in for what?”

  “Drinking.”

  “What’s right, Hart? Tell me, what’s right.” Kate was slurring a few hours later. Vivian and Max had not returned, but instead of worrying, she had slumped into the couch with her friends and proceeded to get very drunk. Vivian would never let anything happen to Max. It was probably better that they were gone until she could get control of herself. She hadn’t meant to get drunk, it had just slipped up on her. “He’s a kid! Kids need clothes and socks and toothbrushes! Plus, you know, food.”

  “Yeah, I hear kids eat a lot of that,” John said, squinting through one eye at her.

  Charlie rolled her eyes, not quite as far gone as the other two. “He needs stability. He needs to stop moving all of the time and have a life, a whole life in one fracking, fucking place.”

  “What, you think I don’t know that? See that – that doesn’t help me, Char. Does that mean that I should move because after that I won’t need to move again or… or… or… does that mean I should find a way to make it work here so he doesn’t have to move again this time?”

  “He needs people!” Charlie cried, throwing her an angry glare.

  “What people, Char, what people?”

  “What the hell do you mean?” John shoved her hard enough that Kate yipped and fell over into the couch cushions. “What the hell about us people?”

  “Who? You two?”

  “And Vivian!”

  Kate shrugged and grumbled.

  “I’m sorry, I can’t quite hear you,” Charlie signed, her hands slapping as she rudely glared.

  “Char, come on.”

  They both just stared at her.

  “I just mean, I don’t know, staying for people seems like a stupid reason. People don’t stay. Barbra Streisand was wrong, people do not need people.”

  Charlie sipped her drink. “You’re stupid.”

  “Your face is stupid,” Kate grumbled. “What about Hilary, Char?”

  “Oh, come on, she’s so not coming back yet!”

  “She will eventually!”

  The loft doors slid open, and a splotchy faced but calm Max stepped in followed by Vivian.

  “Hey, kid.”

  Max glared at his mom and flew past her into his bedroom.

  “Glad to see he’s still mad at me.” Kate toasted the air and swallowed another large gulp.

  Vivian surveyed the trio and the half-empty bottle of whiskey on the table, eyebrow raised. She kissed both guests on the cheek and then ran a hand over Kate’s shoulder. “You three work fast.”

  “We’re go-good at what we do, ma’am,” John said with a straight face, despite the awkward side lean he had developed thirty minutes before.

  Vivian chuckled and disappeared into Max’s room as well. With a slightly drunken grin, Charlie stumbled to her feet calling after Max, insisting that she needed a hug.

  “Hey! Stay away from my son! You’re drunk! You’re a bad example!” Kate cried, flopping backward and giggling. “Ugh, I’m a bad example. Maybe I should just give Max to Vivian. She’s better than me.” She made a mental note to thank Vivian for all she had done for Max that night and pushed away a few dark thoughts that pointed out that Vivian had done them because Kate was inept.

  “You’re drunk. You don’t mean that.”

  “Shut up, Hart.” She knew she didn’t.

  “Hey.” John leaned over, nearly toppling into Kate’s lap. “Speaking of decisions, did you make one about Christmas?”

  Kate had been so upset about the audition that
it took her a moment to understand what he was talking about. “Oh! Oh, yeah! Shit. Yeah, right.” Kate scooted closer. “Yeah, I think you’re right. I’m going to do it.”

  “Did you talk to Charlie about it? B’cause I’d’ve talked to Charlie. She’d have told you to do it!”

  “What? No!” Kate shoved his arm. “Charlie’d tell Vivian. She’s horrible at keeping secrets. I just thought that you’re right, I dunno, Jacqueline is her mom. I’d’ve never done anything bad for Max on purpose so why’d she do anything bad for Vivian? She might be a bitch, but she’s not that big of a bitch.”

  “Hey!” Charlie wobbled and landed in a heap next to them. “What are you whispering about?”

  “Shhhhh!” Kate hissed.

  “Who’s whispering?” John cried innocently.

  “You still talking about the audition?”

  Kate groaned as her stress returned. She buried her face in her hands. “Guys, I just don’t know what to do.”

  Charlie stared at her again, her opinion clear, but John shrugged. “Time will tell.”

  Kate scoffed. “‘Kay. Awesome. Thanks.”

  “His haircut is cute.”

  “Oh. Yeah. Vivian took him when I was gone.”

  “Ooh, he got to see Gloria. She’s amazing. Pricey though.”

  Kate looked from Charlie to the bottle and scowled, lifting it and downing a little more. “Yeah. I bet it was.”

  4

  The next two weeks were hell on earth. Though Kate and Vivian never spoke about the possibility of a move, it loomed over them like an elephant in the room, taking all of the space until they couldn’t breathe. Still Kate preferred the silence... for now. The silence meant she could put Louisville out of her mind until after Christmas at least. Hilary wouldn’t return before the season was over, Louisville didn’t need an answer yet, there was no point in worrying now.

  It wasn’t that she was avoiding thinking about it as much as it was that she had other things to deal with just then, other screw-ups that she had tripped and fallen into. She and Vivian were constantly fighting for the first time. They had started with a fight about Max’s haircut, not because Kate was upset that Vivian had taken him without asking her, but – she didn’t know. She had been upset about another thing bought on Vivian’s dime, and she had been unable to back down. Vivian had met her with equal anger because, despite the many years Vivian had been living in the loft, she had never invited her mother over on purpose. Vivian was a snapping, biting storm cloud of anger, made worse by the soft hint of frost in her eyes from Kate’s indecision and her own sour mood.

  That first fight had dissolved into petty bickering about unimportant things until Kate’s stress was paramount and Vivian looked like she was going to explode.

  Once her anger had passed, Kate begged Vivian to simply cancel with Jacqueline, to let her cancel for her, but Vivian, ever stubborn, insisted that it would be much worse to cancel than to go through with the plans now.

  In short, Kate was in the doghouse. While she hated the fact that Vivian had grown distant, she forced herself to handle it for one reason.

  Every day was another day gone; every day was another day closer to Christmas.

  The calendar on her phone had become her favorite commodity.

  Twenty-five days until the surgery, fourteen until she could tell her.

  Twenty days until the surgery, nine until she could tell her.

  Fifteen days until the surgery, four until she could tell her.

  The closer the date got, the more Kate was able to put Louisville out of her mind.

  Kate had begun to picture it whenever she had an idle moment. In her mind’s eye, she saw herself holding Vivian’s hand, her girlfriend uncharacteristically nervous while the doctor prepared to turn on the device. She watched the beautiful face as she anxiously waited for a sound, to hear for the first time since that little pop all of those years ago.

  Would Vivian be one to cry like in the videos she had been obsessively, albeit secretly, watching, or would she be one of the people who simply looked surprised and a little afraid? Would she remember what the sounds she was hearing meant, or would Kate and Max need to teach her again?

  Often when she got to that question, another would drift up from the back of her mind, making Kate’s stomach cramp.

  Would she and Max still be around by then to teach her, or would that job fall to Charlie?

  She didn’t know, and it didn’t matter in the end, not as long as Vivian was happy. Kate could hardly breathe she was so excited.

  Unfortunately, she couldn’t relieve Vivian’s tension with the promise of her secret gift. In preparation for Jacqueline, they had spent hours at every organic boutique in town for every tiny part of the Christmas meal that Kate had promised not to help cook. Instead she was the pack mule, silently and with an air of penitence, carrying the bags up to the loft, dragging the fancy china from the storage locker in the basement, and enduring all of the paper cuts that came with wrapping the presents to put them under the tree.

  She did everything possible to help while seeming as contrite as she could. It seemed to help. Vivian, though hesitant and removed, was slowly growing less abrasive until finally, the morning of Christmas Eve dawned bright and snowy. Despite the looming visit on Christmas day, nothing but smiles could be seen in the Kensington loft.

  “I hate this part of my job!” Kate whined as she yet again looked longingly at the cooling spot next to Vivian in bed.

  “What part?” Vivian asked, yawning from the sheets.

  “This part,” Kate sighed, taking in Vivian’s tousled morning hair and sleepy eyes. “The part where I have to get up and go play for people on Christmas Eve while you and my son get to hang out in your pajamas, eat cookies, and watch Christmas specials. I know that Charlie Brown is on today, and I bet you guys are going to watch it without me!”

  Vivian’s lips twitched in the corners as she stretched out, propping herself up so that Kate had to do a double take. “But I thought you were looking forward to this concert.”

  “I was!” she whined again, glad that Vivian couldn’t hear her childish tone. She laughed to herself when she realized that soon she would have to stop doing things like that. “But then I had to get out of bed.” She finished doing the last few buttons on her dress shirt.

  Vivian made a mocking sad face and spread her arms, temping Kate back to the warm blankets.

  It was hard to resist, knowing that Vivian’s skin would smell warm and sleepy, that it would taste like morning under her lips.

  Vivian’s eyebrow popped and with a smirk and a muttered curse, Kate gave in. Fully dressed, she crawled over Vivian.

  “I’m beginning to notice a routine here.”

  “A routine?” she asked, letting her lips trail over Vivian’s angled jaw.

  “In which you prefer not to leave.”

  “Can you blame me?”

  “Hmm? My neck can’t understand you, darling.”

  Kate rolled her eyes, pulling her lips away from Vivian’s skin so that she could say, “I don’t mind leaving so much when this is what I get to come back to.”

  Vivian sighed, her chuckle low and deep in her throat as her head fell back to the pillows, watching Kate with hooded eyes.

  Kate bit the side of her lip, let her hands slide upwards slowly, savoring Vivian’s thighs, her stomach, her breasts, her arms, and then back down.

  Vivian’s mouth puckered into a small O.

  Kate considered moving forward, taking her once quickly before she had to go, but no, the clock told her she didn’t have the time. She groaned and rolled off before her hands could move of their own accord. There was never enough, she could never get enough or be close enough.

  Still, before she got off the bed, she paused and gave Vivian a playful kiss to the temple. Vivian blinked in surprise at the casual contact, and Kate pretended she didn’t see her cheeks go pink.

  Max was already on the couch in the lowest living room
when she came down, a bowl of cereal balanced between his knees as he stared intensely at the prancing reindeer on the screen.

  “Morning, kid.”

  He looked up and giggled at her Santa hat, his hazel eyes sparkling behind his hand. Before Kate could be surprised that he was up, he grinned and leapt, throwing himself at her.

  She caught him, shocked. Thank god for Christmas miracles, she thought. He had barely spared a word for her over the past two weeks. There had definitely been no hugs or smiles or giggles.

  She squeezed him tightly, breathing his little sticky scent in and relishing the hug that was worth a million bucks. “Merry Christmas Eve.”

  He grinned and kissed her with a slightly milky face.

  She squeezed again before he could remember that he was mad at her. She had definitely needed that.

  “I’m off to work. Be a good boy for Vivian. I’ll be back soon, and then we’ll make cookies, okay?”

  “Cookies for Santa!” he yelled and belly-flopped back onto the couch, making her wince when he nearly cracked his chin on the arm.

  “Right, cookies for Santa.”

  “With frosting!”

  “With frosting! Okay, I gotta go. I love you, buddy.”

  “You too, Mommy!” he called back, eyes already glued back to the screen.

  “Go get Vivian. Remember to stomp.”

  She was pleased when he ran past her and up the stairs. He stood just outside the final step to Vivian’s room, stomping hard on the floor. They really had to get a doorbell or something since the room had no door and Vivian liked to sleep sans pajamas.

  The thought made her smile as she pulled on her jacket and then, like a balloon suddenly full of helium, her thoughts soared. They wouldn’t need to do that if the surgery worked. Vivian would hear him coming.

  From a floor below, Kate watched as Vivian scooped him up happily, clad in the bright red and green holiday pajamas she had splurged and bought for her. She looked adorable in the goofy outfit.

  A smile still on her face, Kate stepped into the elevator to brave the outdoors.

  As a rule, classical musicians tended to feel one of two ways about Christmas pops concerts: either they were fun and inspiring, a way to pass along the holiday spirit through love and music, or they wanted to crack their instruments over the head of every single concertgoer. After all, there were only so many Christmas songs in the world, and by high school most musicians had not only perfected each and every one, but could play them by heart.