Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  Charlie’s lips thinned. “Yeah, she’s always been pretty pissed that Vivian wouldn’t get one when it would have ‘fixed everything.’” She crooked her fingers into disgusted air quotes.

  Kate sagged in her chair. “You know, if Vivian had just explained what she meant right then, this wouldn’t have happened. But she didn’t. You guys never explained.”

  Charlie wasn’t listening to her. She clicked her tongue, her gaze distant. “I’m sure that’s why she insisted that I take the Louisville audition.”

  “What, Jacqueline taking everything?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Probably.”

  Charlie sat in silence for a few minutes, thinking. “The thing is, no one has ever really tried for Vivian, you know? No one ever tried to get to know her despite her disability or fought for her – even you, Kate.”

  “That is so not true.”

  “Oh, come on!” Charlie scoffed. “You barely signed. Like, ever.”

  “Oh my god, I was shy!” Kate cried, making a few people turn and stare. “Why can’t either of you get that? I was shy! Start signing. Now. Go ahead. Let’s count how many people are watching you after five minutes.”

  “That’s her life, Kate! You don’t think people watch her? You don’t think she had to get used to that? You don’t think I did?”

  Kate took a long gulp of her drink to cool her frustration.

  “You know that’s what the break up was mainly about, right?”

  “Yeah, well, I’m sure it was.”

  Once again, Charlie spoke over her. “And I know that you knew a lot more than you let on. I saw you in our lessons. But you never took that extra step to show her that you were willing to meet her in the middle.”

  Kate scowled. She didn’t need to hear this. “I guess I sensed that she was going to throw me away at the first real bump in the road. Just like everyone always has.” Kate ran her hands through her hair, immediately feeling guilty for snapping at her friend. “I’m sorry. I just – as much as Vivian was hurt, I was also hurt. And Max. She didn’t even let me speak as she was dumping me. This tornado of life-crushing anger just blew through and tossed me out the door, with an armed guard, I might add. She might as well have called the fucking cops on me! He literally walked me from the fucking loft to the rink and then to the L.

  “She did her best to humiliate me. And though I suddenly have this fucking rep for ‘never trying’ with her, that isn’t true. I made a mistake with Jacqueline, I know, I let myself get under her thumb, and I still haven’t found a way out. But you know what? No one ever really tried with me either. No one has ever fought for me. You say that she is used to losing, the fact is that she didn’t lose me. She got rid of me. I wasn’t the one who didn’t try, she was.”

  For the first time Kate could tell Charlie was listening to her. It felt so good that she wanted to go on and on. Instead she took a bit bite of her burger to shut herself up.

  Charlie frowned, her finger picking absently at her lip as she thought. “But, I don’t get it. She was losing you anyway. That was pretty clear, right? You were all ‘we can still date five hours away.’ How can you throw away something that’s already gone? You’re leaving. She was just expediting the process, right?” Charlie took a sip of her drink, her eyebrows drawn in thought. “As a matter of fact, why are you even still here?”

  “What are you talking about?” Kate asked, sullenly dunking a fry into her ketchup.

  Charlie waved her hand in an ”earth to Kate” motion. “Louisville. Doesn’t it start soon? She’s been waiting for your resignation, but it hasn’t come. I think she’s starting to get pissed. It’s kind of shitty of you to leave it until the last minute like this. She knows that the position wasn’t deferred, and the season is about to start.”

  At first Kate didn’t understand. Surely, they had been told, but then it became obvious. “Jacqueline didn’t tell you guys, did she?”

  “Tell us what?”

  “I passed on the job months ago. Like, literally, months ago.”

  “What? You’re kidding! And Jacqueline knows that?”

  “Of course she does! She’s my ‘benefactor,’ whatever the fuck that means. Why do you think I need her at all?” She let her face curl into a childish scowl. “I don’t have a freaking job, Charlie, or at least I don’t know if I do. No one has told me anything about Hilary. Did you know I wasn’t even going to take the Louisville audition? I had, like, no interest at all, but Jacqueline pretty much told me that I had no choice. I all but told her it was Vivian that made me want to stay where I was.” Kate stopped to take a breath. “God that woman drives me up the wall. She calls me every day. She even tells me what I should be practicing. It’s like Vivian never became a musician so she’s substituting me and trying to control me like she would have controlled Vivian.” She finished her tirade by letting her head fall onto her arms with a huff.

  “That sounds like Jacqueline. Though you better not let Vivian find out that you’re still seeing her mother.”

  “Funny. You’re real funny, Hseih, but I think she knows. If not,” she shoved her plate aside, her nerves too fried to eat. “She’s sure as fuck going to find out at this stupid opening season board and trustees dinner.”

  “She’s making you go to that?”

  “Of course she is. I still play for WCCE, as far as I know. I did sign a re-up at some point, and they haven’t said anything else.”

  “God, you really are her butt monkey now, aren’t you?”

  “Fuck off.”

  Instead of taking offense, Charlie smiled a little. “You know what’s, like, totally screwed up and doesn’t make any sense?”

  “What?”

  “I’ve known Jacqueline for a long time now and I’ve seen her with people she doesn’t like. She’s the total opposite of this. I mean, look at how she treats me. I’m fucking invisible.”

  “No, I know she likes me. I don’t know why, but she does.”

  Charlie shrugged, chewing silently for a while.

  The tension was draining away, which made Kate glad. It had been exhausting. Her shoulders felt like steel rods, and her nerves were fried.

  “I think she was hoping you would come after her,” Charlie said. Kate jumped a little, pricked. “Viv, I mean. You know, as part of that ‘no one has ever really fought for her’ thing.”

  “She threw me away,” Kate repeated as if talking to someone incredibly slow. “Overreaction.” She pointed slowly and obviously at herself. “Made a mistake.”

  Charlie shrugged. “Whatever, you can be all mad, but that’s just the vibe I got. She wanted to see if you would come after her.”

  “I did! I stalked her all of New Year’s Eve.”

  “I know.” Charlie winked. “She said you dipped her like Fred Astaire. She got all red and blushy when she told me.”

  “Not on purpose.” Kate grinned back, a little proud of that moment, even if it didn’t work in the end. “It just kind of happened that way.”

  Charlie just shrugged.

  “Okay, well, I call bullshit on her wanting me to fight. I did. I left it in her hands. She threw it away.”

  “God, stop saying that. I swear the two of you have your freaking breakup mantras.”

  “Oh?” Kate studied a bird outside the window, hoping she sounded casual. “What’s hers?”

  Charlie mimicked Vivian’s voice. “‘She never even tried.’ ‘She’s leaving anyway.’ Blah, blah, blah.”

  “Goddammit, I’m not leaving! Even if I walk into rehearsal and Hilary is there, I’m not leaving the area.”

  “So, you’re not leaving, huh?”

  “No, I’m not leaving.”

  “Then can I see Max?”

  Kate debated it. The vacant spot in Max left by the absence of the two women was only just beginning to heal. What happened if Charlie dumped her again? But it wasn’t fair to keep Charlie from Max. He lost things just as often as Kate did, whether a person or a place.

&
nbsp; “You can if you listen to my audition pieces.”

  “Deal.”

  They walked to the ‘L’ in silence and took a pair of seats beside a window when they could board.

  “Do you miss her?” Charlie asked finally.

  Kate laughed, letting her head fall against the window. She didn’t really want to answer that. “All day, every day. But I’m pissed. Honestly, I don’t think I would take her back even if she asked me to. She did something unforgivable, Char. She walked out on us. I couldn’t take that twice. Actually, if she did again, that would be the third time. No. I couldn’t do that, not to Max, not to myself. I know you guys don’t agree, but I really didn’t deserve it.”

  Charlie sighed, running her fingers through her chestnut hair before she propped her head on her palm. “No,” she admitted with obvious hesitation. “I don’t think you totally did.”

  Max’s face when he saw Kate’s companion was priceless. Without a second thought, he flung his violin, which Kate had bought to replace the heirloom still living in the Kensington mansion, onto the couch and threw himself at her. His little eyes squeezed closed in rapture as he hugged Charlie tightly around the neck. “I missed you, I missed you!” He pulled back and craned his neck, looking behind her. “Where’s Viv’n?”

  “She’s not here, buddy,” Kate said rubbing his back. “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh. Why?” His lip began trembling again, as it always did when he talked about her. Instead of crying, though, he pulled a little on his ear and slipped his thumb into his mouth. The women exchanged guilty looks.

  “But I am! I’m here!” Charlie cried, trying to wipe away his sad face by hugging him again. He grinned and hugged her back.

  She settled on the couch, Max glued to her side. “So, when is the audition?”

  “Soon. Very fucking soon” was all Kate could get out of her suddenly sticky throat.

  “You feel ready?”

  “Depends on the day. I’ve been spending most of my time practicing. Jacqueline has been forcing me to go to that stupid massage therapist. Did I tell you that she had her show up at my apartment when I refused to cash in my gift card?”

  “God, that woman is a pain. She’s a genius, an evil genius.”

  “Okay, so don’t get mad at me, all right? But, um, I don’t really think there is such a thing as feeling ready for an audition like this, but if there were, I would credit the massage therapist.”

  “Right. ‘Cause that’s the only reason you would be in good shape.” Charlie scoffed.

  Kate was halfway through her audition pieces, playing for Charlie’s surprisingly well trained ear, when there was a loud knock on the front door.

  “I’ll get it!” Max cried, launching himself at the door before Kate could protest. “John!”

  John came into the living room, Max hanging over his shoulder as he screamed with giggles. “Well, well, look who it is! It’s the pretty, little shot taker.” He paused, covertly glancing around. “Does this mean the Ice Queen is back?”

  Kate shook her head, trying to ignore the emotions battling in her chest.

  “All right, well how are you, pretty, little shot taker?”

  Charlie giggled, tossing her hair over her shoulder, and Kate rolled her eyes.

  It took three more ASL lessons filled with banter and an increasing amount of laughter before Charlie was willing to go out for an evening of drinks with Kate. She wanted to be pleased, but she had a feeling that Charlie finally relenting was more about John joining them than Charlie wanting to see Kate socially again.

  “Vivian would have my fucking hide if she knew I was here,” Charlie grumbled, glancing nervously around the bar as she slid into their usual booth.

  “You’re not allowed to spend time with me?” Kate laughed, pretending that the thought didn’t hurt.

  “No, I don’t think it’s that. Vivian just likes things–”

  “Her way,” Kate nodded, “and her way says I don’t exist anymore.”

  “Right. You’re getting better.”

  Kate had taken to Vivian’s old trick; if words were coming out of her mouth, as halting and exhausting as it was, they were coming out of her hands, too. It was humiliating when she made a mistake, which she did often, but she found that it wasn’t actually as scary as she thought it would be.

  “Thanks. I’ve been studying flashcards and trying to get all the words down. Oh, and Max and I have been having ‘no-talk afternoons,’ as he calls them. I don’t know, though, I can’t get that rhythm that you have.” Charlie’s eyebrows arched, and Kate just shrugged. “It’s good to have something to focus on that’s not, you know, my life.”

  “You know, if you had done all of this before, then you might still be with her.”

  The thought pissed Kate off, not only in defense of herself but because she knew Charlie was right. She had been scared to let loose and try. Perhaps she had been afraid that if she was bad enough at the language then she would lose Vivian, and it had been easy not to put herself out there with Vivian’s remarkable skill at getting by. Ironically, she had lost her anyway.

  “Oh, gee, I can guess what you two are talking about,” John groaned as he slid in, drinks in hand.

  “Sorry, we’ll drop it,” Kate huffed.

  “No, no,” John chuckled, “don’t drop it; just do something about it, K.”

  Kate glared. “What would I do? Besides, I don’t see her anymore. Ever.”

  Charlie chuckled to herself. “You will tomorrow.”

  Kate’s drink exploded out of one nostril and covered the table. “What?”

  “Yeah, she has a meeting at the Symphony Center. Also,” Charlie sipped her drink, pointedly looking away, “I think she’s meeting Julia there.”

  10

  Kate was in a bad mood.

  She had been in a bad mood the entire night before, she had been in a bad mood all day, and she planned on being in a bad freaking mood until the end of time. She was Grumpy the Dwarf. Screw that, she was the Grinch. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that if this damn barista didn’t get her cup of coffee into her hand very soon she was going to gnaw his arm off with her bare teeth.

  She’s moved on.

  Her mind rattled as she remembered the overly casual way that Charlie had shrugged as she said it.

  That’s what you’re supposed to do, isn’t it?

  The thought still filled her with fury.

  “Kate?” The barista called, scanning the crowd with little interest.

  “Thank you, geez!” Kate growled as she snatched the cup. Guilt flooded her immediately at the sour look on his face, so she sighed and apologized. “Not your fault that I’m in a bad mood.”

  The young barista just eyed her wearily.

  It had only been three months since she and Vivian had broken up, and Vivian was already dating this Julia person? How was that possible? Who the fuck was Julia? She didn’t understand how it was that Vivian felt ready to date. Kate sure as hell didn’t feel ready to date, though, suddenly, the inclination was growing.

  The problem was, she hadn’t been able to get more information out of Charlie, who had clammed up as soon as she let the announcement slip. All she had gotten from her was that the relationship was new, maybe not even a relationship yet. “I’ve only seen her around once,” she’d said, and when asked about the notorious Julia, she called her “nice.” That had left Kate spluttering, insisting that she was also “nice.” Charlie had just given her a withering look.

  Kate didn’t know what she was supposed to do with the information. She really wished that she could go back twenty-four hours and not receive the little tidbit of news anywhere near her big audition. She was already enough of a wreck.

  This was the polar opposite of her Christmas morning joy.

  In her mind she had seen Vivian and this stranger constantly: lying in bed laughing, kissing under the tracks of the ‘L’, touching in her elevator. It was driving her crazy. This Julia — this fucking
Julia — was dating her girl!

  She was still grumbling when she crashed through the stage door and, as if fate was against her, she caught Ash’s eye.

  Kate didn’t smile at her but instead marched across the floor. Ash seemed happier since she had heard Kate and Vivian broke up. She had reconnected with John, and thanks to that, she was always buzzing around when Kate was at work. It was aggravating. Everything was aggravating.

  “Hey.”

  Kate sent Ash a glare as she appeared at her shoulder, a soft hand on her arm.

  “Whoa, mama, calm. You just looked upset. You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she grumbled, dropping her things with a crash.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing fucking happened, okay?”

  “Okay,” Ash said uncertainly. “Do you want a hug? Come on, it seems like you could use a hug.” Her voice was soft and sweet. As a matter of fact, it was softer and sweeter than it had been in a long time. Though Kate was sure she didn’t want a hug from Ash, she realized she did want some kind of hug. “Come on, mama. Bygones be bygones ‘n shit. Bring it in.”

  Kate let herself be pulled into a hug, enveloping herself in the scent of her ex.

  “You wanna talk? I gots the time. I warmed up before I got here.”

  Gruffly, Kate wiped at her nose. “No. I’m good. But thanks.”

  The smile that Ash gave her was warm as she gave her arm a reassuring rub. “Okay. But I’m here if you change your mind.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  Ash left just as a chuckling John sauntered up.

  “Shut up, John,” Kate snapped, moving to pass him, but he caught her in a bear hug, lifting her off the ground easily despite her kicking legs and swinging arms. Kate felt like a preteen girl caught by her annoying older brother. “Put me—putmedowngoddamnit!” she cried, muffled against his chest.

  “No sightings yet,” he whispered into her ear. “But I did finally get Charlie to go out on a date with me.”

  “Oh yeah?” Kate grumbled, straightening out her clothes and giving in to the gossip. This news was interesting enough to distract her.