Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  “Yeah.” He grinned a boyish grin. “It was great.”

  “Kiss?”

  “Second base.”

  “Good job,” she admitted. His crush on Charlie had been obvious for a long time now.

  “Hey, Kate.” Charlie was behind them, pushing through the stage door with a huge smile planted on her face.

  “Speak of the devil,” John teased.

  “Did you just call me the devil?”

  Kate tried to smile at their playful banter, but her stomach was too busy dropping through the floor. Her eyes were stuck, waiting, watching the door Charlie had come through, but it didn’t open again.

  It took Kate a while to realize that someone was talking to her. “Sorry, what?”

  “Kate!” Charlie groaned. “She’s not here yet. Besides, the meeting is upstairs, I doubt you’ll see any of them for a while.”

  She tried not to wonder where exactly Julia was going to be and failed. “What? I wasn’t – um, I have to warm up.” She pushed her way through the heavy stage curtains and froze.

  She didn’t... she couldn’t... Her palms were instantly slick, and her tongue in her mouth felt like sandpaper.

  “Hey, what’s the deal? You—” John pushed by her and froze as well. “What the hell?” he suddenly growled. “I mean, what the hell, man?”

  In a huddle across the stage, just past the bright lights, Mary was standing with Collin, one of the WCCE board members, and Hilary Ajam. So, she had lost this job then after all. She tried to swallow, but her throat was too sticky to do it.

  “They didn’t even call me,” she mumbled. “John, they didn’t even call me.”

  Ash pushed past from behind them. “What’s the hold-up, peeps?” She saw Hilary across the hall and let out a low whistle. “Wow. Well, it was nice knowin’ ya, Katie.” She clapped Kate on the back and, chuckling, headed to her warm-up seat.

  “Bitch,” Kate said before she could stop herself. She couldn’t have even if she had wanted to.

  “Hey, no!” John hissed. “Look, K, it’s probably a misunderstanding, right? You’re probably fine. You’re just gonna split the season. Come on, they didn’t even call you.”

  Kate nodded automatically, but she didn’t really believe it. There was no reason for Hilary to be here.

  She didn’t have a job. The thought was running circles in her head, threatening to launch her into a full-blown and very public panic attack. She needed a job, and she didn’t have one.

  They hadn’t told her not to come in. She had renewed her contract, right? She had signed a re-up, right? She was about to make a fool of herself. She already had, just for being there if she wasn’t supposed to be. She tried to get angry, but instead just felt that all-too-familiar wave of blue for one moment, two.

  Her heart was beating too slowly as she took a step forward. She thought maybe John was still speaking, but she couldn’t seem to hear. She just knew she had to move, she had to get over there.

  Her cello was five times heavier than usual as she moved across the blond wood of the stage. Was it her or was everyone watching her? She walked across this stage every rehearsal, but this time all of their eyes were bearing down on her.

  She glanced back and met John’s sorrowful eyes.

  She didn’t want to look at him, so she turned back around, but, what could she say?

  She cleared her throat, swallowed, felt it click and... was Hilary – was she crying?

  Alarm bells sounded in her head, and suddenly she realized Hilary was a mess. She was sobbing, and Mary was doing her best to comfort her.

  She wasn’t supposed to be there.

  Panicked and confused she went to turn, but Mary caught her eye. “Kate! Hey!”

  Hilary’s soggy face turned, and all Kate could do was slap a stupid and probably weird smile on her face.

  “Kate. Hi.” Hilary nodded.

  Why was she crying?

  Hilary dabbed at her eyes. Kate couldn’t help but notice she did it with her non-bow arm, making her teeter on her crutches.

  “Hilary, hey!” Kate said, a hand behind her back in case she fell. “How are you?”

  “Oh.” Hilary tried to speak, but burst into tears again.

  Mary began rubbing soothing circles into her shoulder. “Heeeey, it’s okay! It really is. Your job will still be here for you next year. Who knows, maybe you and Kate can share the season or something.”

  Unsure of how to respond, Kate just kept the awkward smile on her face.

  “Hilary was hoping,” Mary explained in a soft voice, “that she could come back this season.”

  “Right. Right, yeah.” Kate nodded, patting Hilary’s back a little because it seemed like the right thing to do. “I thought you were in pretty good shape. Look at your arm! No cast or sling.”

  “Yes.” Hilary hiccupped and wiped under her eye with her tissue, smearing mascara across her cheek. “But my leg. I can’t – I can’t sit like that. I spend all of my PT time working on my arm and now...” She couldn’t finish through the torrent of tears.

  Mary enveloped her in a hug, her eyes sad as she patted her back and cooed.

  Kate wasn’t sure what to do. Did she stay? It sucked that Hilary couldn’t play yet, but...

  “Kate, why don’t you go get warmed up? We’re going to start in a minute.”

  It felt callous to move away from Hilary, to the chair Hilary rightfully should have occupied.

  Still, when she slipped in, as her heartbeat returned to normal and the panic subsided, Kate felt comforted, secure in her future for the next few months. She had turned down Louisville, but she would be okay. For a little while longer, anyway.

  Kate did her best to concentrate on rehearsal, but the task was nearly impossible with her emotions roller-coastering the way they were. Hilary had thrown her for a loop, and her already tense nerves had been beaten up all the more. And then there was Vivian. She had forgotten for an hour after Hilary that the night was supposed to contain other horrors. Once she had remembered her emotions had gone back and forth as they had been all evening from anger over the fact that Vivian had moved on so quickly, elation at seeing Vivian for the first time in weeks, and distaste for this evil Julia person. She was frustrated with herself. If this was how she was going to be about break ups now then she didn’t want to date anymore. She was smarter than this and yet she had the distinct feeling that this break up was making her stupid.

  “One more week,” Kate whooped into the night air as they walked. “One more week, and assuming Teresa is free, then I am going to tie one on so hard it will become the legendary master of all of I-thought-I-lost-my-job-then-saw-my-lover-with-her-new-lover-post-auditions drinks in the history of Illinois. Screw that—in the world!”

  John clapped her on the shoulder, chuckling a bit. “Well, of course you will! You’ll be celebrating! Drinks will be on me!”

  She should have been touched by his sentiment, would have been if the words hadn’t been exactly the thing all musicians said to their peers about to walk into a sand trap filled with broken glass and angry scorpions. Instead, she changed the subject.

  “She’s deaf, John. Julia is fucking deaf.”

  “So?”

  “So?” her voice squeaked. “How can I compare to that? They’re from the same world! That’s something I can never have in common with Vivian.”

  “That’s like saying a Parisian would only be happy dating another Parisian,” Charlie scoffed, arm in arm with her as the trio made its way down the sidewalk.

  “If both Parisians were deaf, then yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  Charlie rolled her eyes, but punched her hard with a bony fist. “And you didn’t sign again! What’s wrong with you, why won’t you sign? Do you think if I wring your neck hard enough you might actually fucking do it?”

  Kate cried out, batting the assailing fists away. “I did a little bit! Besides, what’s the point?”

  She had vowed on her couch the night of this last
terrible birthday that if she were ever to be given the chance to sign to Vivian then she would no matter what, but that had been before Julia. And now that there was a Julia... she didn’t know.

  “Well, first off you looked like an idiot speaking through me when I know you can speak for yourself, and second, clearly you still think you’ll get her back since you’re comparing yourself to her new date. You won’t do that unless you fucking sign!” Charlie cried, giving her another angry little jab.

  “Ow! Ugh, you know what I said to her on New Year’s? I said I wanted to kiss her every day for the next twelve months. How stupid is that? I would be dating, too, if my ex was that lame! God!”

  “Maybe you should be.” John shrugged, holding his hands up in defense as Kate turned on him. “I just mean, maybe that’s the best thing you could be doing.”

  She wanted to be angry, but she couldn’t. She had to admit: “I’ve thought about it.”

  “I notice Ash has been extra attentive lately.” Charlie threw Kate an accusatory glare that Kate ignored.

  “There’s this really cute guy that I keep seeing at Jewel. And he’s always buying fresh fruit, so that’s something.”

  “Then go for it, Kate!”

  She just shrugged noncommittally.

  “Well, even if you do start dating someone, you’re never going to find someone that nice.”

  Kate couldn’t argue. “Fuck, Julia was so goddamned nice! What the hell is wrong with her?”

  It had been the social gravitational pull that had brought Vivian and Julia to Kate; not that Vivian had been necessarily willing or happy about it. Kate had been sitting on the stage with John and William while on break, discussing her upcoming audition plans at great length. For the first time all evening she hadn’t been thinking about the imminent appearance of Vivian and Julia or about Hilary. Charlie had slid up behind her, putting an arm around her shoulder, and giving her temple a wet kiss. Kate had smiled briefly, her mind fully focused on shop talk as she wrapped her arm around her friend’s waist. It had always been so easy to be affectionate with Charlie; she gave it so freely.

  “So, do you have this meditation app on your phone or do you get it from the internet?” Kate was in the middle of asking John. “Because I think the idea of meditating in the warm-up room at the audition is so much better than sitting and practicing all the crap you’ve been practicing for months. You either know it by then or you don’t, right? It just—”

  “Gets under your skin and messes you up, right?” John laughed. “Right, right. Yeah, it’s on my phone. I think it’s short enough I can email it to you.”

  When the couple had finally appeared at the foot of the stage, Kate’s heart clenched in her chest so hard that she had burst into a coughing fit. It was a convulsion she had expected, but it had been far more painful and frankly maddening than anticipated. For once her eyes did not sweep longingly to her former lover, but instead they ran up the length of her former lover’s new lover. Julia was beautiful, a fact that kind of killed Kate. She had perfectly wavy auburn hair, strong chiseled features, and strangely soulful eyes. She looked like she could have modeled comfortable and yet trendy fall-wear in shades of rust and yellow and would fit into the shot naturally.

  Kate had been torn immediately between hatred and the absolute need to chuck her cello directly at the woman’s face – either way it was a win/win in her mind.

  She was trying not to pay attention to them, but she couldn’t help noticing that they were arguing lightly.

  “No,” Vivian soundlessly signed. “Let’s just get going. Really, I have to insist.” Her back was perfectly straight, her meticulously tight black pencil skirt, buttoned jacket, and tall, spiked heels were all so perfectly Vivian that Kate wondered if she had seen her mother that day. That thought brought on a swirl of others. If she hadn’t, if she dressed that way because she was going to be in the Symphony Center, then did that mean she made Vivian nervous now? What did it mean if she did? It was foolish that the idea of Vivian’s nerves made her a little excited, and yet she felt a shiver of joy pass through her.

  Back at the foot of the stage, Julia’s sweet face had fallen at Vivian’s words. “But I would love to meet everyone. Can’t we invite them to join us at the bar? Please? I feel as though I’ve heard so much about so many of them! Which one is Ash?” Julia’s excitement filled Kate with something akin to pity. She seemed so pleased while Vivian looked more and more like she wished she hadn’t brought her. “It has to be that one, right? Does her tattoo say ‘love bites’? That has to be her.”

  Completely distracted from her conversation with John, Kate laughed quietly into her hand, pretending to cough.

  “No really, I don’t want to interrupt them, plus…” Vivian’s eyes shot in Kate’s direction and away again in an instant. “Let’s just get going. Charlie will meet us later. There is no need to invite them all to join us. I’m sure they are busy. We were never really a ‘let’s go for spontaneous drinks’ bunch, anyway.” Vivian gave her date a small smile, trying to be convincing, but Kate could also see the way that her free hand was rubbing at her stomach as if it pained her; Vivian Kensington’s nervous tic.

  Kate didn’t feel sorry for Vivian’s battle; if you don’t want your current girl to meet the ex, then you don’t bring the current girl to the ex’s place of work, even if it is your own. Still, she was enjoying watching. Vivian wasn’t simply saying “let’s avoid Kate,” which meant that she hadn’t told her new date about her. That thought was slightly cheering, too. Surely, if she had really moved on so completely, then, in full disclosure, Vivian would have spilled the beans, right? They would have avoided meeting here, and Julia certainly wouldn’t be asking to meet a group of people that included her.

  Julia had stopped walking, her hand on Vivian’s arm to stop her, too. Her expression had grown concerned, her eyes worried. “You don’t want me to meet your friends? I know we haven’t been out many times but—”

  “No!” Vivian jumped, signing quickly in the way that came natural to her, not as she had ever signed with Kate. Seeing it sent a pang of upset through her so that Kate nearly looked away. “Please don’t think that. I can just tell that they are going over the upcoming audition, and I don’t want to interrupt. If they came to join us for a drink, then you would have to sit through a lot of shop talk and things about WCCE. It would be very boring, I assure you.”

  “I’d love to hear more about what you do! It’s interesting!”

  Kate snickered a little, amused by Julia’s persistence.

  “In truth, they are hardly my friends, they were more…” Flustered, Vivian pursed her lips and tried again. “The only one up there that I have known socially for longer than a year is Charlie.”

  At that Vivian seemed to finally notice Charlie, leaning heavily into Kate’s side, chatting with John over her head.

  With a fake cough, Kate removed her arm from around Charlie’s waist.

  Julia was letting out a silent laugh and touched Vivian’s shoulder in a way that Kate really didn’t like, pulling her attention back from her best friend. “Oh, don’t be silly. They are clearly your friends! You told me stories the other night.” Julia glanced back up at the stage, her eyes sailing right over Kate. “Your friends won’t mind being interrupted, and I’m sure they would love to come and have a drink. Come on.” Julia smiled, her hand slipping into Vivian’s and reducing her signing to one hand. “It will be so much fun!”

  Julia seemed ready to climb onstage and throw herself into the crowd, but Vivian hung back, uncertainty on her face. She glanced across the stage and finally noticed Kate watching. She sent her a blank glower, her hand still rubbing absently at her stomach.

  Kate couldn’t help herself. When Julia was busy looking the other direction Kate smirked and signed, “Something you ate, Vivian?”

  Vivian’s face flushed as she dropped her hand from her stomach.

  “Okay,” Vivian said after waving her hand to get Julia’s at
tention. “Fine, let’s go.” She gestured that she would follow Julia up the stairs to the stage. Once there, Vivian cleared her throat, mask thickly in place. “I apologize for interrupting everyone.” Her voice was strong, but Kate heard her nerves. “Charlie.” Kate also heard the ice when she spoke to Charlie. Was she really going to be mad that Charlie was friends with her? Really? “We’re going to the bar for a drink. Would you like to join us? The invitation is, of course, open to all of you.”

  “All of us?” Kate asked, her words dry. “Oh! That sounds nice! Doesn’t that sound nice, John? Let’s go get a drink!”

  Vivian glared at John, daring him to answer.

  John’s eyes just flicked warily from Kate to Vivian to Julia to Charlie, over and over again like a trapped animal.

  Kate fought to hide a smile, amused and pleased she was getting under Vivian’s skin so easily. “Well, I know that I’m free.” She allowed her grin to grow. “Anyone else?”

  “By all means, Ms. Flynn. Join us.” Vivian gave her a cold stare, but the death glare only made Kate smile more.

  Julia, who had been distracted, smiling and nodding to everyone, finally noticed who Vivian was speaking to. The moment she saw her, Julia’s bright eyes lit up and she waved for Charlie to translate for her. “I’m sorry,’ she apologized to the group at large, “I’m not like Vivian who can read lips and use her voice. I pretty much only have the one language, but, oh,” she gave a happy clap, “you must be Max’s mother! Kate, right?”

  Startled, Kate’s jaw was not the only one to drop to the floor. It seemed each jaw hit with a collective thud including Vivian’s.

  “Um, yeah,” she said as she stiffly shook the hand Julia was offering. She wasn’t surprised when instead of giving it a firm shake, it collapsed, politely and delicately clutching her fingers below the knuckle in a light squeeze. “I am Kate.” And you’re the jerk probably sleeping with my woman, Kate thought. Hi, nice to meet you.

  She couldn’t help but notice the softly manicured fingers, so soft and pretty compared to her own calloused ones.